Your ability to make life more difficult is unmatchable. If an easy solution is available—and I mean a mind-numbingly obvious one—you decide that maybe the fix can’t be so simple and that you’d better let things marinate for a few days, at which point, yes, they’ve now become the nasty thing that you imagined, seeped in a rancid cesspool of indecision and procrastination (and, literally, rotting food). By the time you get ready to take any form of action, someone has come along and done the cleanup for you, which is what you wanted all along.
Typically, you are one of those people who doesn’t check voice messages because they make you anxious. You have an extreme fear of the unknown and are marginally equipped to navigate adult life. Like the Soaker, you avoid making decisions, but, rather than acknowledge problems and put off solving them, you delay identifying the issues altogether until you have no choice—because, well, you’ve run out of places to eat your breakfast. Besides, if a bill is mailed and no one is there to open it, does it even exist?
You’re made up of equal parts courage and fear. You’re brave enough to start any old task that pops into your overactive mind but too afraid to finish one godforsaken project. You balk at the notion that if one door closes, another one opens, because, afraid of making the wrong decision and missing opportunities, you leave them all ajar. Your life is dominated by what-ifs, and you’ll likely never learn to take definitive action—at least not until you crack the top of your skull on a cabinet-door edge.
Greedy glutton? No. Self-absorbed free spirit? No doubt. You leave a spoonful of banana pudding in the bowl and a swig of orange juice in the bottle because you’re too busy with your own life to think about anyone else’s. You’re fun as hell to be around because you live for the moment, but, when faced with the unfortunate consequences of your actions, you claim, “It’s not my problem,” when in fact you, my friend, are everybody’s problem.
You’re a visionary who lives by the maxim “There’s got to be a better way.” And that way is yours. Your unbridled and unfounded confidence helps you discover new paths, even if they turn out to be ones that others have abandoned with good reason. To your credit, you’re willing to risk physical harm executing your creative yet lazy strategies, because there’s nothing a $12.99 plastic pole can do that your God-given right leg can’t do better, notwithstanding a soggy sock and that cramp in your hamstring.
Let’s not mince moldy garlic—you’ve got severe abandonment issues, which cause you to hold onto every damn thing. A perpetual people pleaser, you fear tossing something that may have potential because, well, it will all be good if you just wait awhile and add a little Lawry’s. It’s not. Lesson almost learned.
