Texas school shootings: How to talk to your kids about the Uvalde massacre

Another school shooting.

With at least 19 students and two teachers killed at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde on Tuesday, parents might be at a loss. How do we explain this to our kids? What can we say that we haven’t said multiple times?

After the Las Vegas concert mass shooting in 2017, Jane Ripperger-Suhler, a child psychiatrist at Seton’s Texas Child Study Center, had this advice for parents about how much we should say about a mass shooting. It’s good advice for what has happened today.

We need to be careful about who is watching TV with us and how we explain it.

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“It really depends on the developmental level of the kids,” she said. Consider how you think your child will take what they see on TV, she said. “I wouldn’t watch a lot with preschooler.”

For kids already in school, you can watch some with them, but be prepared to talk about it and answer their questions. You can ask things like: “What do you think about this?” “What questions do you have?” Gauge if they want to talk about it, but, she said, “I wouldn’t force them to talk about this.”

Explain things in the simplest yet factual way you can. You could say, “A kid walked into a school and shot students.”

You can focus on how you are feeling, that you’re upset and that you also don’t understand why this happened, but be careful about how you are reacting. “If a parent swoons or becomes frantic, a child is going to do likewise,” she said.

Most importantly, remind kids that they are safe; that you will keep them safe, and when they are at school, their teachers will keep them safe.

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Helping your child move on from trauma

If your child seems to be fixated on what happened in these shootings, you could encourage them to draw, build something or act something out, if they don’t want to talk about it.

If they don’t seem to be able to move on after a few days, are afraid to go to school, are too scared to go to bed, are having physical symptoms of stress or behavior problems, get them help sooner rather than later, Ripperger-Suhler said.

Be especially aware if a child has experienced a trauma before. Watching this scene on TV will not cause post-traumatic stress disorder, she said, but it can be more traumatic and disturbing to some kids.

Ripperger-Suhler said it’s important to go about normal life. And that normal life means going to school.

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If your child expresses some fear about it, reassure them that you will keep them safe.

“Parenting is hard, and it’s really hard when all this stuff is happening,” said Julia Hoke, a psychologist and the former director of psychological services at Austin Child Guidance Center. “We have to reassure them we are safe. It’s the thing you have to do.”

You also want to be authentic and genuine, she said, but you have to put up a wall and not show them the true depths of our own fear and anxiety. “They are going to take the cue from us.”

Hoke has this advice for parents whenever there is an act of violence or terror: “it really depends on the age of your kid.” Very young kids might not need you to say much of anything, she said.

Helping older kids cope and understand what's happened

For older kids, give them a simplified version of what is happening. Prepare yourself for what you are going to say and check your emotions before you talk to them.

“You’re going to check your own anxiety level,” Hoke said. “Our inhibition isn’t as good when we’re feeling stressed out ourselves.”

Many kids already will know what is happening because schools will be talking about it, their friends will be talking about it, and they have access to social media. They are looking to their parents and teachers to reassure them. “Your goal in talking to your child is making sure they are feeling safe,” she said.

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Don’t go into graphic or gory details. “Even with older kids, you don’t want to overshare,” Hoke said.

That might mean you limit their access to TV news and social media right now. You might not want to have the news running in the background at all times. You’re trying to avoid exposing kids (and really yourself) to a secondary trauma.

“Generally when stuff like this happens, it’s important to maintain your normal routine as much as possible,” Hoke said. That doesn’t mean you ignore what’s going on.

Give kids updates, but remind them that adults and law enforcement are going to do everything they can to keep them safe. Also remind them that if they see something weird with one of their friends or classmates or are concerned about one of their classmates, they should tell an adult immediately.