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Opinion
Media

Please Advise! Any Reasons to Be Thankful?

Even in the worst of times, you can always count on Doc Steve to see the positives.

Steve Burgess 7 Oct 2021TheTyee.ca

Steve Burgess writes about politics and culture for The Tyee. Find his previous articles here.
StanleyParkHorseCarriage.jpg
Sure, we had hungry coyotes roving through Stanley Park all summer, but it could have been worse — it could have been raccoons. Photo by Steve Burgess.

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Thanksgiving is here. What are you thankful for?

Signed,

Tofu Turkey

Dear TT,

Dr. Steve is indeed feeling much gratitude this week. He recently travelled through a dark period of alienation, a state of solitude that left him unable to reach out, trapped in a hell of disconnection. Then Facebook came back online. Dr. Steve is fine now, and thankful for the return of kitty cats and waterskiing squirrels. Dr. Steve would like to ask for a Facebook on/off switch we could throw during election campaigns, but gratitude is not about making demands.

Dr. Steve is also grateful for many other things. For instance, this new Squidward spinoff show — it’s so violent, Dr. Steve is grateful SpongeBob isn’t involved.

The Korean series available on Netflix (actually called Squid Game, to be precise) depicts a world of desperate people invited to play life-or-death games for cash. It’s even worse than Elton John being forced to do Uber Eats ads. Things aren’t all bad for the players though — they do get more bathroom breaks than at Amazon.

Anyway, Dr. Steve is grateful that he is not so far in debt that the idea of playing Machine Gun Hopscotch might seem like an attractive option. And grateful that Sheriff Andy and Barney Fife aren’t around to see what’s on TV these days.

Dr. Steve is grateful Stanley Park is open again, although he is sorry for the coyotes. Dr. Steve is also grateful that the Whistler woman fined for feeding local bears 10 cases of apples, 50 pounds of carrots and up to 15 dozen eggs did not relocate to Lost Lagoon. Coyotes would be the least of our problems once we were facing down raccoons the size of sumo wrestlers.

Dr. Steve is grateful he is not considered a serious candidate for leadership of the Green party.

Dr. Steve is grateful that the two Michaels, Kovrig and Spavor, are home at last. He is less pleased that the hostage takers still have a veto on the UN Security Council.

Dr. Steve is grateful he never ran over Surrey Mayor Doug McCallum’s foot. He would never hear the end of it.

Dr. Steve is grateful to live in a true democracy, where the opinions of scientists, experts and medical specialists are given no more weight than those of an essentially random collection of popular public figures. One day perhaps the Nobel Prize committee will broaden its exclusive focus and acknowledge the important research done by Nicki Minaj about her cousin’s friend’s testicles.

Dr. Steve is grateful he has a vaccine passport. He just wishes he had somewhere to go. Dr. Steve has been flashing the passport every time he goes into the kitchen, just to show it someplace.

As the latest U.S. debt ceiling crisis continues, Dr. Steve is grateful he does not possess a trillion-dollar platinum coin, which would almost certainly get lost down the side of the couch. Besides, they’d probably make you buy 3.6 billion bags of Doritos before giving you any change. However, Dr. Steve does look forward to hearing a new Barenaked Ladies song about it.

Dr. Steve is grateful the Canucks are back. (Dr. Steve expects his gratitude to diminish rapidly once the actual season starts.)

And finally, Dr. Steve is grateful to be an older guy. Being old in the 21st century is the equivalent of eating a great meal in a fancy restaurant and then getting to leave before the bill arrives. Pretty sweet deal. Thanks kids!

And Happy Thanksgiving to all! [Tyee]

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