Like everything else, familiar Christmas fables have been transformed by 2020. Here are some of the newly mutated holiday classics.
A Charlie Brown 2020 Christmas
It’s Christmas, and Charlie Brown is depressed about the lack of commercialism. The local merchants have closed up shop and just about the only guy making money is Jeff Bezos. Linus says, “I’ll tell you the meaning of Christmas, Charlie Brown. Come on down to the church. We’re having a pageant. And I’d like to see those freedom-hating bastards try to stop us.”
Then Charlie Brown buys a little tree which is clearly diseased, but everyone pretends it isn’t. They all bunch together and sing maskless carols and we don’t actually see what happens next. The End.
Next week: It’s the Great Reset, Charlie Brown!
The Grinch 2020
Once upon a time there was a bright green hero who attempted to save the heedless Whos of Whoville from themselves. “I’m the guy who’s stealing Christmas to keep you safe,” said the Grinch, quoting Manitoba Premier Brian Pallister.
Like the Grinch, Pallister had been slow to accept the reality of the COVID-19 crisis over the summer and fall. But Pallister had a change of heart. His sense of personal responsibility grew three sizes that day. And the Grinch too realized that there was something bigger than himself and his own selfish plans to carve roast beast and ambush tipsy Whos beneath the mistletoe. Remember, in 2020 it is not better to give. And no fun to receive either.
Rudolph the Superspreader
Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say, “What’s with the nose, Rudy?”
“It’s nothing,” said Rudy. “I am still part of the Elite Reindeer Strike Force. Let’s roll.”
Next morning all of the other reindeer had bright red noses of their own. And all over the world people were waking up with bright red noses. This was definitely not what they’d asked Santa Claus for. But somehow Santa had managed to visit every home. It was magic. Not so much Hallmark Christmas Movie magic — more like Voldemort or the flying monkeys of Oz. As it says above the door of Santa’s workshop: Be careful what you wish for.
A Christmas Carol 2020
One Christmas Eve, Ebenezer Scrooge is visited by his late business partner, Jacob Marley. “Jacob!” cries Scrooge. “You died!”
“Yup,” says Marley. “I’m kicking it in Hell.”
“Oh yeah?” says Scrooge. “How is it down there?”
“Wasn’t fond at first,” Marley says. “But honestly, this year I have come to appreciate it. Been watching CNN and Fox and... well, relatively speaking, we’ve got it pretty good. I’m only here because I drew the short straw.”
“So will I be visited by three spirits?”
“Doubt it,” says Marley. “Nobody’s very keen on coming back up these days. Besides, Dr. Bonnie Henry is discouraging travel. And that is someone even the Big Guy does not wish to mess with. Careful Ebenezer — you’re in a risky demographic. Well, I ought to be getting back to Hell. I’ll miss the start of the Star Wars Holiday Special.”
“They play that every Christmas?” Scrooge asked.
“They play it every day,” said Marley. “It’s on a loop. Farewell Ebenezer! By the way, do you know the prize goose hanging in the poulterer’s shop?”
“What about it?”
“Well, spoiler alert — reincarnation is real. Get my drift? Later, Goose Boy!”
The Grinch 2020 Part Two
So then who’s the real villain of the Grinch story? The true bad guy has always been obvious. It’s Max — Max, the faithful dog-turned-reindeer. Watch the damning video evidence. Max makes sad faces when asked to help execute the Grinch’s schemes. But does he stop? Does he dig in his paws and say, “Enough. This will not stand?” No. Max is a good soldier, a faithful member of the Grinch administration. He does what he’s told. Max is a canine Lindsey Graham. He’s a four-legged Bill Barr. Come January, he should be out of a job.
Dear Tyee readers: comments are closed until Jan. 4 to give our moderators a much-needed holiday break. Best wishes to you and yours. ![[Tyee]](/design-article.thetyee.ca/ui/img/yellowblob.png){kind=small}
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