New York Times bestselling author, Lysa TerKeurst, returns to the podcast to explore forgiveness, an issue so many leaders struggle with.
Every time someone leaves, criticizes you, betrays you or otherwise harms you, how do you forgive? Should you forgive? And, how do you set boundaries that keep you and others healthy?
Welcome to Episode 379 of the podcast. Listen and access the show notes below or search for the Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts and listen for free.
Plus, in this episode’s What I’m Thinking About segment, Carey talks about how forgiveness works in leadership.
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CONVERSATION LINKS
Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa TerKeurst
Forgiving What You Can’t Forget
Forgive and Forget by Lewis B. Smedes
Why You Should be the First to Apologize, and 5 Keys to Doing it Well by Carey Nieuwhof
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INSIGHTS FROM LYSA
1. When you find yourself getting hysterical, it’s historical
Have you ever woken up and had a great morning but then, a random bit of irritation or criticism hits you, and it completely destroys your good mood? Maybe you thought you preached a great sermon but had a few extra painful complaints from the audience after, or a few staff members gave you more negative feedback than you expected.
Why are little things like that able to completely hijack your mood so quickly? Lysa has learned that when she gets hysterical, it’s a historical issue. So, when something gets her unusually angry, it’s usually not the thing happening to her in that moment, but something in her past that’s resurfacing.
The same thing happens to you, and if you want to overcome it, you need to work through those historical wounds.
2. Why “forgive and forget” is bad advice
In preparation for writing her new book, Lysa interviewed people in focus groups about what they believed about biblical forgiveness. One of the most common things she heard was that the bible teaches us to “forgive and forget,” and that we, as Christians, should be able to do that without issue. Through 1,000+ hours of biblical study for this project, Lysa was able to find that “forgiving and forgetting” isn’t actually biblical.
She found that biblical forgiveness is us remembering what happened to us, amd rather than using it as a crutch or a weapon, we should use it as a testimony. When this happens, we aren’t focused on what happened but much more focused on the wisdom and life lessons that come from that pain.
3. Forgiveness isn’t about your emotions…it’s about cooperating with God
Early on in her journey, Lysa had a wrong view of forgiveness. She thought forgiveness was her bossing her feelings around or trying to conjure up enough spiritual maturity to grit her teeth and say, “I forgive you.”
But, she quickly realized that her ability to forgive was, and is, not based on her determination. She realized that her ability to forgive is based on her cooperation with what God has already done through the blood of Jesus.
The same is true for you. Your emotions are probably not able to forgive everyone who’s wronged you. But, when you cooperate with the forgiveness that Jesus has already given you, and is extending to that person that wronged you, you can begin to forgive them yourself.
Quotes from Episode 379
A mature version of forgiveness is when we decide that we ourselves have suffered enough because of what other people have done to us. @LysaTerKeurst Click To Tweet Expectations are really premeditated resentments. @LysaTerKeurst Click To Tweet Forgiveness is not based on my determination. Forgiveness is based on my cooperation with what God has already done through the blood of Jesus. @LysaTerKeurst Click To Tweet Forgiveness is the way we keep our hearts swept clean. @LysaTerKeurst Click To Tweet No matter what happens in the relationships where you've gotten wounded, whether there's a reconciliation or not, a redemption story is still yours for the choosing. @LysaTerKeurst Click To Tweet Redemption is between you and God, and no one else's choices can mess that up for you. @LysaTerKeurst Click To Tweet When we find ourselves getting hysterical, it's historical. @LysaTerKeurst Click To Tweet When a marriage implodes, there's never just two people that are affected. The shrapnel from that devastation goes out and hits people in different ways. @LysaTerKeurst Click To Tweet Hurt feelings don't often want to cooperate with Holy instruction. @LysaTerKeurst Click To Tweet Sin comes as a package deal of consequences. @LysaTerKeurst Click To Tweet It's often the people that need boundaries the most that refuse to cooperate with them. @LysaTerKeurst Click To Tweet A boundary is not meant to shove the other person away. It's meant to hold us together. @LysaTerKeurst Click To Tweet We really do have to experience some healing before we can help other people heal. @LysaTerKeurst Click To Tweet When hurt sits unattended in the human heart too long, it turns into all kinds of versions of hate. @LysaTerKeurst Click To Tweet It's not so much that we have different political views and different thoughts on how the problems of the world can be solved. It's really that we all have a lot of unresolved hurt in our heart. @LysaTerKeurst Click To Tweet We have a story that we tell ourselves, and we've got to make sure the story we tell ourselves lines up with not only the truth, but the most healed version of who we are. @LysaTerKeurst Click To Tweet What revenge really is is you signing up to get hit and hurt twice by that person's offense. @LysaTerKeurst Click To Tweet There's a big difference between secrecy and privacy. Secrecy is us hiding from other people, things that are making us more and more unhealthy. Privacy is withholding some details for the purpose of healing. @LysaTerKeurst Click To Tweet If you're the leader, you should be the first to apologize. @cnieuwhof Click To Tweet An apology is ownership. It says, ‘I'm responsible.’ @cnieuwhof Click To Tweet If you’ve blown it, and you're the leader, please apologize. @cnieuwhof Click To TweetRead or Download the Transcript for Episode 379
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Next Episode: Beth Moore
Beth Moore explains how she stays engaged on social media despite the controversies and challenges she gets, how she handles her critics, and shares some of the back story of her life and leadership and how she’s staying resilient over the long run.
Subscribe for free now so you won’t miss Episode 380.
