Please Advise! Of All the Bad Things Happening, What’s the Worst?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

What is the greatest challenge facing our province and our nation today?

Signed,

Curious

Dear Curious,

Murder hornets. No question. Have you seen them? Look at those eyes! They’re like real-life versions of animated villains with evil stares and exaggerated features. And they’re here! One was found in Abbotsford, and a nest with over 200 queens near the U.S. border. Don’t be fooled, RuPaul fans, these are the worst queens since Snow White. Some of you may have complained about annoying traffic tie-ups last time Queen Elizabeth came to town, but there was not a single case of anyone being swarmed and stung to death — we would almost certainly have heard about it.

Murder hornets! It’s right there on the label — they’re not jaywalking hornets. Not parking violation hornets. Soon, I promise, you will be nostalgic for the good old days when one could while away a lazy summer’s afternoon whacking ordinary wasp nests with a stick. Frankly it seems selfish to bring children into this world where they will merely provide prey for the terrible winged hordes.

Admittedly, there are other reasons why Dr. Steve is focusing on the murder hornet threat. Murder hornets can be photographed. They are big, they look menacing, they make great TV. Dr. Steve understands murder hornets, whereas Dr. Steve is struggling a bit with, for example, the casino money-laundering scandal. That seems more complicated.

There are some easily grasped aspects of the appalling money-laundering story that is currently unfolding before B.C.’s Cullen Commission, though. Rich Coleman, the BC Liberal minister responsible for gaming at the time, is certainly a recognizable figure. He seems to be that old standby, Shadowy Figure Near the Top (perhaps played by Brian Cox). He is not quite Madds Mikkelson at the poker table with a bleeding eyeball, but Coleman is still allegedly a player, as described in witness testimony.

Still, the details of the money-laundering case, while disturbing, are somewhat complex. Murder hornets are easier. Imagine a murder hornet trying to testify at an official inquiry: "Name?"

"Ummm... Mulder Hermit."

"Says here your name is ‘Murder Hornet.’"

"I object, your honour. Hey, could somebody please open a window?"

One reason murder hornets are so scary is they can fly. But again, they are relatively large and brightly coloured. They make a loud buzzing noise that pretty much proclaims, "It is time to go dig out the can of Raid." Dr. Steve only wishes every airborne threat was like that. COVID-19 rates are hitting record levels in B.C., as well as Manitoba and Ontario where the pandemic is threatening to skyrocket. Dr. Steve is afraid of coronavirus. Coronavirus does not have big, googly evil eyes, making it much harder to spot. Dr. Steve prefers his terrors to be more vulnerable to attack with a rolled-up magazine.

Alberta Premier Jason Kenney is in isolation for the second time due to COVID-19 exposure. Wouldn’t it be more fun to see him being chased by murder hornets? Sure it would.

And wouldn’t professional sports be better if they were dealing with murder hornets instead of COVID-19? You could probably retrofit a Zamboni to deal with those. We had mosquito-fogging trucks when Dr. Steve was a Manitoba lad, and those insecticide clouds just gave him chemical immunity. Better than a bleach injection. I think Canucks season ticket holders would be fine with the occasional murder hornet swarm. We’ve had plenty of experience booing visitors wearing black and yellow.

Yes, it’s been a year. As 2020 crawls to its bitter denouement, Donald Trump will be stacking sandbags in the Oval Office and putting the Lincoln Bedroom furniture on Kijiji; Doug Ford, Jason Kenney and Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis will be serenading hospital wards with their rendition of "Three Blind Mice"; and Santa will have Rudolph in quarantine until that nose calms down a little.

Dr. Steve would much rather focus on the murder hornets. All things being relative, they’re the simplest of all evils.