Please Advise! Are There Any Spicier Candidates to Vote For?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

I am disenchanted by the major parties in this B.C. election. What other options do I have?

Signed,

Freddy Fringe

Dear Fred,

I’m afraid that depends on your location, Freddy. Politics is sort of backwards that way. When it comes to movies and entertainment, it doesn’t matter where you are anymore — Netflix and other streaming services are available everywhere. But when it comes to political options, we are thrown right back to the dark, medieval days of Blockbuster, when your ability to find Mannequin 2 or Prayer of the Rollerboys really depended on the dubious shelf stock of your local video outlet.

But if you’re lucky, you live in Peace River South or Boundary-Similkameen, the only two provincial ridings with Wexit BC Party candidates. Dorothy Sharon Smith carries the Wexit BC banner in the north, while Arlyn Grieg managed to score the prized Wexit nomination in the southern riding that includes Princeton, Osoyoos and Oliver.

Either Wexit BC victory would come at the expense of the BC Liberals and, presumably, the province itself. No doubt victorious Wexit candidates would promptly fire on Fort Sumter (or in a pinch, Dawson Creek) and raise the flag of secession. With a double win they would be poised for the kind of deadly pincer movement so often favoured by General Robert E. Lee.

Of course, not everyone will get the chance to vote Wexit. What are some other electorally exotic options? There’s always the Communist Party — a famous brand, ironically. Here’s one of their candidate videos. Not very slick, really — perhaps the workers should download the means of production.

But with only four candidates, the Commies are outnumbered by Christian soldiers — the Christian Heritage Party of BC can boast five. New leader Laura Lynn Tyler-Thompson (a former national People’s Party candidate) has tweeted recently about such pocketbook issues as: Are Black Lives Matter supporters practicing witchcraft and raising the dead?

BLM admitting to summoning the dead? Mainstream media doesn't say a word. https://t.co/HBestdaR03

— Laura Lynn Tyler Thompson (@LauraLynnTT) October 4, 2020

Recently, Tyler-Thompson bragged that refusing to wear a mask on an airplane got her moved to “a much better seat!”

I'm feeling great, how about you? Haven't worn a mask yet. Have told every single establishment that I am exempt. I have not even had pushback really except on the airplanes where I was the only one on board not wearing a mask . I got moved to a much better seat. Really worth it! https://t.co/7rBPuHcPbx

— Laura Lynn Tyler Thompson (@LauraLynnTT) September 27, 2020

It’s practical tips like these that some voters crave. Others who prefer loftier ideas might want to train their eyes on the BC Vision Party which, with three candidates, advocates the creation of One Vision One World Centres. What are they? Their website doesn’t say. Perhaps they are shaped like giant spaceships? Let’s just say they are because that would be a cool idea and a real vote-getter.

The really big fish in the electoral kiddie pool are the Libertarians, with a whopping 25 competitors. And why not? Running for office isn’t so different from the usual Libertarian routine of knocking on doors asking if you’ve read the good news about Atlas Shrugged. Like the other Libs, these Libs are running against the ICBC monopoly and the curse of fossil fuel regulation. The Libertarians also want to rally the province against the tyranny of Dr. Bonnie Henry. It’s “time to recognize that the emergency has passed,” says the Libertarian platform.

They also want to limit income assistance payments to three years, maximum, after which recipients would get cards good only for purchasing food, rent and hydro. And maybe a copy of The Fountainhead.

Anyway, the good news is, you have 25 opportunities to vote for someone else.

Every small party hopes to exploit divisions and perhaps sneak through a divided field for a surprise win. That has to be the BC Conservatives’ plan. With a grand total of only 17 candidates (a chilling glimpse into the future for Erin O’Toole?), they punch under the weight of their famous name. But their candidate in Chilliwack, Diane Janzen, once ran for the Liberals. Meanwhile, the incumbent Chilliwack Liberal MLA, John Martin, is a former Conservative candidate. Just a reminder that brand-name corn flakes and the generic kind often come out of the same factory.