Please Advise! Has Death Lost Its Sting?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Boston University announced it will be begin awarding posthumous degrees to students who died before completing the coursework. Do you think this is a good idea?

Signed,

Morbidly Curious

Dear MC,

Dr. Steve intends no disrespect to the dead, but he is pretty sure he got one of those degrees in high school. During his final month of Grade 12, Dr. Steve did not show up for a single history class — for all the teacher knew he might have been rotting in a ditch somewhere. But they passed him anyway. Dead or alive, nobody wanted to see his annoying face again.

So as an expert slacker, Dr. Steve has some concerns about Boston University's posthumous degree plan, especially if it is adopted by high schools. Most teenagers would rather die than write a book report on Moby Dick, and now they may get that option. The standard excuse could shift from “The dog ate my homework” to “The dog ate me.”

At any rate, the Boston University plan will give a whole new meaning to the phrase “Your loved one has passed.” Students may develop the attitude displayed by battle-weary veterans in war movies: “Don’t get friendly with the new guys. You don’t know if they’ll be around long.” And we could see more convocation ceremonies filmed by Sam Raimi. Someday in the distant future historians will perhaps be debating whether Carrie was a documentary about high school life.

But this is a political column MC, and it is to the political implications that we must turn. What does Boston University’s plan tell us about death as a political force? There are disturbing indications that in 2020 the Grim Reaper may be losing his mojo.

Take the late Herman Cain. The American pizza magnate and former Republican presidential candidate died of COVID-19 on July 30. But that didn’t stop him from sending out a tweet attacking Joe Biden this week.

There was a time when Death didn’t put up with that sort of nonsense.

And it also raises the unsettling possibility that Cain might still be showing up for work elsewhere. If your Godfather’s Pizza shows up ice cold, you know somewhere zombie Herman Cain is smiling.

Cain may have made a savvy political move. By dying, he has aligned himself even more closely with current Republican values. The U.S. COVID-19 death toll is marching higher into the six-figure range — as of writing, north of 170,000 and rolling like the meter on a gas pump. Republicans across the country are banding together to push those totals up, up, up, as if they’re part of some macabre Labor Day telethon. (Herman Cain could host; or why not Jerry Lewis?) Safety measures are socialism, the theme goes — fighting against COVID-19 is anti-Trump.

Trump’s infamous remark that he could shoot someone on New York’s Fifth Avenue without losing his supporters remains perhaps the one indisputably true thing he has ever said. In fact, it’s clear he was being uncharacteristically modest. If there is one thing COVID-19 cannot kill, it is Trump’s base of support. Although he’s lagging in the national polls, Trump still has more than 40-per-cent support. That represents tens of millions of Americans who remain loyal to a psychopathic imbecile attacking his own health authorities and spouting quack theories and dangerous bullshit while COVID-19 burns through the countryside like napalm.

Not that the Trump administration is remaining idle. The president promoted the worse-than-useless hydroxychloroquine. And thanks to extensive government experiments, we know that you can’t kill COVID-19 with tear gas.

Now, as infection rates and death tolls spike in the vast majority of U.S. states, the White House is taking action to kill the United States Postal Service. Based on current estimates, more than 200,000 sympathy cards may be delayed. (At least entertainment-starved Americans can thank Belarus for a preview of coming attractions.)

The pandemic has taught us valuable lessons. One is that people will adjust to anything, but the way they adjust depends on their priorities. Many have adjusted by wearing masks, practising social distancing and altering their routines to protect themselves and their neighbours. Others have adjusted by devaluing human life in order to protect their prerogatives.

Then again, different people do have different priorities. After a wave of cancelled U.S. college football seasons that included the University of Massachusetts, UMass coach Walt Bell spoke to sports magazine the Athletic. “You know, my dad passed away in 2008, my biological mom OD’d in 2012. And to be honest with you, this is probably a tougher day than both of those.”

Well, Dr. Steve is a big sports fan himself. But the pain of cheering for the Canucks cannot be equated with the death of a parent. After all, if one’s parents died every spring without fail, a person would eventually get used to it.

Meanwhile in B.C. our infection numbers have staged the biggest comeback since flared jeans. With Death squawking for attention across the province, it makes sense that a desperate Premier John Horgan would seek help from Deadpool. Ryan Reynolds promptly responded by pleading, “Don't kill my mom.”

We owe a big thank you to Reynolds for his public spirit. Take it from Deadpool, kids — wearing a mask is cool.

And faking your own death to obtain a high school diploma is at least worth a shot.