My Husband Refuses to Have Sex with Me

My husband and I got married just over 3 years ago. Since then, I’ve been completely starved of sex and intimacy! My husband is a workaholic and is constantly too tired for sex. He also seems to have difficulty maintaining an erection.

When I talk to him about it, he just tells me he’s too tired to want sex. He won’t see a doctor to see if there is anything he can do/take to help with this.

It’s now been two years since we have had sex and I feel like I am dying inside. I feel so neglected and unwanted. I feel like I have no options but to suck it up and deal with it or leave.

At 37 years old, I can’t imagine never having sex or affection in my life again!

But I have a young daughter and also can’t imagine tearing my family apart or being single again. Is there anything I can do? I feel paralyzed with indecision.

~ Amy

Sorry about your predicament, Amy. It sounds brutal.

I’ve written about instances when a guy doesn’t want to have sex anymore like boyfriends who want sex less than their girlfriends and boyfriends who never want sex.

But after twelve years of answering sexual intimacy questions on here, the letter that most came to mind was this one: “I Married a Great Guy. Why Am I So Unhappy?”

Money quote: “He’s very, um, hardworking. On weekends, he’s gone by 6 a.m. and doesn’t come home until dinner — sometimes after. That’s EVERY weekend.” 

That couple doesn’t have a marriage. That couple has a shared living arrangement.

Sounds like you do, too.

I don’t know what pains you’ve taken to remedy your sex life. Couples counseling. Date night. Sex therapy. Viagra. All I know is that, in any relationship, it takes two to tango.

I don’t know what pains you’ve taken to remedy your sex life. Couples counseling. Date night. Sex therapy. Viagra. All I know is that, in any relationship, it takes two to tango.

Your husband may be fine going two years without wanting sex but if you’re not, you’re going to have to have to confront your husband and his constant rejection. You’re not angry with him. You’re not trying to change him. You’re letting him know that you’re sad and will remain that way unless he vows to increase his sexual intimacy towards you – despite how busy and tired he is.

Good husbands want to make their wives happy – especially if the request is reasonable.

If your husband flat out refuses to make an effort to resolve your sexual issues, you must have the courage to start over.

I know it may sound irresponsible to say that given your marriage vows and the fact that I don’t know you. But I have had way too many women turn to me after 25-year marriages just like yours – and ALL of them wish they had the guts to prioritize their happiness sooner.

Staying with each other for the kid is a convenient (and valid) excuse, but wouldn’t you like to see your daughter raised in a functional family with a happy mom who enjoys her home life?

I would.

Do you really want to spend your entire adult life suffering because you made one poor choice three years ago?

I wouldn’t.

When I find I’m in a situation that makes me unhappy, I get out of it FAST.

You should, too.

You are not put on this planet to suffer.

You are put on this planet to thrive.

For every woman out there: if your boyfriend or husband isn’t part of the solution, then he’s part of the problem.

Talk to him, see what he says, and don’t think you’re a bad person for wanting sex and for having reasonable needs. You’re not.