Brent Batten: Good things come in small, easy-to-open packages
Brent Batten
One of the best parts of the Christmas season is opening presents.
One of the worst parts is opening packages.
There’s a difference.
Presents come in wrapping paper held together with Scotch tape. At most, there might be a ribbon and a bow holding it all together.
Packages come in dense cardboard immune to all but the sharpest box cutter, reinforced with twist ties and covered in the sort of tape that turns that sharp box cutter into a butter knife.
Opening presents gives you a warm rush of excitement.
Opening packages gives you a warm rush of your own blood.
Kids are probably to blame.
For generations they been shaking presents to figure out what’s inside.
At some point someone decided enough was enough.
They’d bind products so tightly in their packages that nothing short of a 7 on the Richter scale would reveal the slightest clue as to what’s inside.
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So now, here we sit on Christmas morning, Junior happily unwrapping a remote-control car, then tearing at the box to get it out.
Several unsuccessful minutes later, he hands it to Daddy, who dutifully examines the packaging, then troops off to the garage to get a wire cutter and screwdriver.
A few more futile efforts to free the car from its stanchion leads to another trip, this time for a utility knife and a pry bar.
Ultimately, Junior is directed to open another present.
“We’ll figure this one out later, son.”
There’s no way the movement to make packaging impenetrable is a coincidence.
It must be a plot hatched by mad scientists, sadists who delight in the thought of people hurting themselves. Or maybe the manufacturers: If you break something trying to get it out of its package, you'll probably buy another one, right?
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How else do you explain the advances in packaging technology?
Like the CD cases sealed with bullet-proof cellophane and a piece of tape so small you can barely see it. But try to break that tape with a fingernail or anything else short of a Bowie knife, you learn just how far the science of adhesive tape has come.
Or that plastic that covers seemingly every item sold in the toy department. It’s soft to the touch, transparent to the point of being invisible, but it’s as tough as a rhino’s hide.
It can be melded into shapes that defy any attempt to get an angle with a pair of scissors. The best you can do is make a series of small cuts with a variety of tools until the product can be coaxed out of its shell. Be sure to check the back of the package before doing so. There’s probably an anchor back there as well.
We’re used to warnings on packages, “Adult assembly required.”
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They should add a new one, “Adult opening too. Read instructions before attempting.”
The evil packaging scientists have wormed their way into the snack and beverage world as well. Bottles of water almost dare you to figure out how to open their flip top.
Potato chips fly in all directions when you finally rip open the “easy-open bag.”
This Christmas I’m hoping to get a lot of presents, just as long as none of them is a package.
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