Sometimes, gratitude comes from a decision to be thankful

Thanksgiving poses the question: What determines whether a person is grateful or, instead, mired in “woe is me” self-pity?

Not that I’m knocking self-pity, which has its place. However, as the saying goes, “It’s OK to visit Pity City … just don’t move there.”

Those who do take up permanent residence feel mistreated by life, other people or both. Some of them fall into the spoiled brat category, which is particularly distasteful.

So, why do some give thanks for the goodness in their lives, and even sometimes for the ills befalling them that impart valuable life lessons, while others remain mired in thankless resentment? And, how is it that people visited with great loss and tragedy can come out the other end feeling grateful?

For many, it’s a choice.

Like most things in psychology, gratitude arises from a combination of factors. There is evidence that a person’s inherent temperament, the one she or he brings into the world, lays the footings for a grateful mindset, or not.

But, as with many things genetic, DNA is not destiny, at least not in the psychological realm. One’s innate nature may lay the foundation for an attitude of gratitude, or not, but choices and accompanying experiences largely determine the outcome — thankful or thankless. It’s called epigenetics (Google it).

So, even if predisposed to feel grateful, painful or traumatic life experiences can threaten that attitude. Inversely, unappreciative folks may receive blessings that make it more difficult to remain an ingrate. The deciding factor is how one chooses to interpret and respond to such life events.

Essentially, when it comes to attitude adjustment, volition is the secret sauce. As the adage goes, “Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you react to it.”

Well, sometimes life serves up the ingredients for reacting without our asking.

Life accommodated Timothy in this regard, although painfully. A grumpy yet financially successful fellow who, nonetheless, felt insufficiently rewarded by fate, he woke up to his ingrate mindset when his dearest friend died suddenly, victim of a senseless crime.

It was like an existential slap in the face. He could have sunken deeper into “life sucks,” but elected instead to see blessings where, before, he only saw their absence. In a spiritual sense, he came to.

For Cynthia, no life-changing event was involved. She knew being grateful was the right mindset, but life didn’t provide any high amplitude events to drive that home. She had to seek it out intentionally.

Research shows giving thanks through ritual-based practices can instill an attitude of gratefulness. Cynthia used a gratitude journal where she wrote each morning and evening, listing people, experiences and circumstances she considered blessings, including small ones.

She learned that, when we are grateful toward life, it responds in kind. Thankful people report higher levels of happiness.

As for me, I am grateful to all you readers out there. You are a blessing in my life, and I hope, on occasion, I serve as one in yours.

Many thanks.

Philip Chard is a psychotherapist, author and trainer. Email Chard at outofmymind@philipchard.com or visit philipchard.com.