Please Advise! I’m Frustrated with My Electoral Reform Options!

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a Ph.D in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

The Tyee has published an informative series on the upcoming electoral referendum. Which electoral system do you prefer?

Signed,
Voter

Dear Voter,

None of the above. Feel free to read the recent Tyee series on electoral referendum choices and make up your mind. But as for Dr. Steve, he has applied his renowned political wizardry to an examination of numerous other electoral systems in search of the perfect option. Some of the ideas he has analyzed:

Farcical Aquatic Ceremony

Some watery tart lobs a scimitar at you. This qualifies you for supreme executive power. It helps if you haven’t got shit all over you.

Drawbacks: Somewhat medieval. And really, it’s not appropriate to call people “tarts” anymore.

Hot-Dog Eating Contest

Self-explanatory.

Drawbacks: Kind of gross. And while hot dogs may not be the chosen sustenance of the one per cent, eating 70 of them in 10 minutes is simply not a sustainable strategy.

Last Candidate Standing

In this system a wide array of political hopefuls declare their candidacy. The list is then winnowed down through a scandal-based process of attrition.

Drawbacks: the winner is often not the scandal-free candidate but the one whose outrages are so flagrant, so shameless, and so numerous that they cannot be easily listed in debate or discussion. One transgression is a scandal; 1,000 transgressions are a brand.

Thunderdome

Two enter. Only one leaves.

Drawbacks: This method would seem to favour a two-party system. However, many post-apocalyptic societies do employ a kind of playoff format that allows for greater participation.

Lawyer Up

Candidates run for office, pounce on opportunities to allege they are slandered, and sue for big bucks. The one left with the smallest legal bills wins.

Drawbacks: Political debate may wither to mumbled niceties.

The Survivor System

Winning candidates will be required to find safe, suitable Vancouver accommodation while earning as much as the average barista or hotel staffer.

Drawbacks: Juggling four jobs while sharing a one-bedroom apartment with three roommates means crucial decisions may be made after 72 consecutive hours of espresso, Red Bull, and a single box of Bugles.

Devil’s Triangle

No one is quite sure what this means. That allows for a great deal of creative freedom.

Drawbacks: Who knows?

Rule by Emperor Gritty

From a giant throne made of Muppet skins, Gritty enters your nightmares to issue formal decrees. You will obey.

Drawbacks: Orange leaders have recently proved problematic.

Elias Pettersson

He rules.

Drawbacks: Weak supporting cast.

Proportional Putin

Candidates are nominated, begin to campaign, and are subsequently jailed or murdered. Later the victorious incumbent thanks the public for their continuing support of democracy. Always popular, this system never seems to go out of style.

Drawbacks: tends to discourage opposition. (On the Putin website, this is listed under “Features”.)

Electoral Minority

Although this description sometimes refers to a parliamentary minority government, it can also apply to any attempt to win a majority government by attacking minorities.

Drawbacks: Prone to virulent outbreaks of hypocrisy.

Girl Guide Method

Candidates sell cookies door-to-door, on street corners, and outside cannabis dispensaries. Victory depends on total sales figures. This approximates the current system in its emphasis on fundraising.

Drawbacks: You don’t actually get to vote, except with your money. This may be what is sometimes referred to as “saying the quiet part out loud.”

Vote Buying

This much-maligned system — which, as the name implies, involves paying people to vote for you — can actually be cost-efficient if the victorious candidate subsequently declares that he/she has already paid for your vote and is thus under no obligation to bankrupt the treasury with dollar-a-beer schemes and the like. Payment is made up front. Simple, honest, and effective.

Drawbacks: Can lead to nasty turf battles with the Girl Guides.

SNLV System

Candidates are ranked by the possibility they offer for hilarious Saturday Night Live impersonations. Voters use a ranked ballot to choose their favourites.

Drawbacks: May favour Sarah Palin, Donald Trump, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the late Ed Sullivan. And after you finish laughing, you may wish to drink cough syrup until unconscious.

But each of these systems is flawed, and ultimately Dr. Steve would reject them all. Instead he would submit an alternate proposition:

Catch-22

In the face of the issues facing the province — Vancouver’s affordability crisis, the fentanyl epidemic, homelessness, the struggle to fund new transit infrastructure, balancing resource development with environmental issues and First Nations buy-in among other issues, it seems to Dr. Steve that candidates offering themselves up for office at the provincial or municipal level must be insane. Sane candidates must be found. These candidates will be people who have no desire to be at Vancouver City Hall or the B.C. Legislature for any reason whatsoever. All names listed on the ballot will therefore be disqualified — voters will write in their alternate choices at the bottom. Obviously you cannot vote for yourself, since your desire to win would be disqualifying.

By the way, Dr. Steve would absolutely love to be premier or even mayor. So don’t even think about it.