Bullying: How to recognize it, and how to help your child handle it

• Make sure to communicate with your children

Editor's note: This story was originally published Feb. 11, 2018. It was republished Feb. 16, 2019, without any changes. 

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Editor's Note: To protect the identity of the students whose parents contributed to this story, last names have been omitted. 

Bullies are not going away, and there will always be children and teens who are targeted by them. 

But there are things parents can do to help their kids keep their bullies at bay, or at least keep their taunts from affecting them as much. 

In the 2015 Pennsylvania Youth Survey, about 21 percent of students in Franklin County said they had been bullied in the past 12 months. That's higher than the state rate of 16.9 percent. 

Personal appearance, including hair and clothing, was the top reason for which students reported being bullied, at 47.3 percent. Size (height and weight) was the third top reason, at 37.5 percent, while the second top reason was the unspecified "another reason," at 38.8 percent. 

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Bullying more visible online

Leslie Harne, a licensed professional counselor and a registered play therapist for Summit Health, said she has seen an increase over the past several years of children needing help due to being bullied. Harne has been working at Summit for the past nine and a half years.

However, Christy Unger, director of programming for Healthy Communities Partnership, disagrees. She said she hasn't noticed more students being affected, but she has seen the methods of bullying change. 

Cyberbullying seems to be the most common type of bullying young people face today, Unger and Harne said. In fact, about 20 percent of students in the area reported that they were bullied through texting or social media, according to the youth survey. 

Harne said she believes easier access to laptops, cell phones and tablets is one reason cyberbullying is on the rise. Children are joining social media at younger ages, and that has led to bullying beginning earlier in life, she said. 

Middle school was once the point when most parents of students experiencing bullying would begin to notice issues, but now Harne is seeing students who are being bullied in elementary school, and even as early as pre-school.

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"They tend to connect with other people, and I think because it is through text and not face-to-face, the kids feel (more free) to say more harsh and negative things to one another," she said. "So, you have people messaging one another, and saying nasty things to one another, putting each other down, that sort of thing, because it's more anonymous, I think, when it's through social media rather than face-to-face." 

Parents need to be aware of the risks social media poses for children, Unger said. Also, students must be aware that their online behavior is permanent and could have legal implications. She said all parents should monitor their children's online activity, and educate themselves on the ways children hide behaviors and activities on cell phones.  

Harne also tells children who are being cyberbullied to save all the text messages and other online messages, so they have concrete proof of what was said to them and who said it. 

Aside from cyberbullying, another form of harassment that Harne has noticed in the area is students trying to coerce other students into sending inappropriate images of themselves. Although both genders can be the victims or the perpetrators, she said she has seen several young girls who were bullied or harassed to send nude pictures to boys. 

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When Harne encounters youth in her work who are dealing with this, she first tells them they must cease and desist immediately, because it is technically considered distribution of child pornography. For a child who has already sent pictures, Harne then helps them process it. 

"It is almost like a sexual assault, in a way, because they're being coerced and bullied and talked into doing this," she said. 

She also tells the parents to contact the school, the other person's parents and the police, if necessary. 

Communication is key

No matter the type of bullying, both Under and Harne recommend parents consistently communicate with their children.

Unger reminds parents to be a "safe person" who children feel like they can come to for assistance in dealing with a bully. She also said it's important to empathize with the child, and realize they may not feel comfortable addressing or standing up to a bully. 

Harne suggests opening a discussion about bullying, and inviting children to share if something happens to them. She also said parents should be more specific when talking to their child about their day, asking question like: how is it going with your friends? Who did you eat lunch with? Are you getting along with everyone OK? 

This is the same approach Tuscarora School District parent Stacy takes with her two kids. 

"As a parent, you really, really have to be involved and be on top of things," she said. "You can't just - when you get that silent treatment - you can't just let things go. You really have to dig, and sometimes you have to get somebody else to talk to them."

But having an open dialogue isn't the only solution.

According to Harne, parents also need to be active in their child's social and school activities. She added that noticing how children interact in these settings, and looking for behavioral changes - such as grades dropping, difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite or eating too much and staying away from social situations - are indicators something is wrong. 

If parents notice any of these signs, she recommends talking to the children and getting the facts about what happened. From there, if the child is being bullied, parents should help them stick up for themselves and assert to the bully that they need to stop behaving like this, and if they do not stop the child will let their parents and the school know. 

When should parents go to the school?

If talking to the bully does not work, the next step for a parent is to go to the parents of the bully or the school's administration - but only if they are sure what the child experiencing falls under the definition of bullying. 

"Sometimes parents run in to the school too quickly, and it's almost like the boy who cried wolf," Harne said. "If it happens over and over again, unfortunately, the school will then begin to feel like it's just an overreactive parent." 

According to the Centers for Disease Control, bullying is defined as any "unwanted aggressive behavior(s) by another youth or group of youths, who are not siblings or current dating partners, involving an observed or perceived power imbalance. That's higher than the state rate of 16.9 percent.These behaviors are repeated multiple times or are highly likely to be repeated. Bullying may inflict harm or distress on the targeted youth including physical, psychological, social, or educational harm." 

Harne said parents should definitely contact the district if a child is injured, their grades are falling, they have difficulty going to school or something has been stolen, and explain their expectations to the administration about how they want the situation to be handled. 

Unger encourages all parents to communicate with the school about bullying on school property, but also reminds parents that bullying is different from a standard conflict and the two are resolved differently. She also said parents shouldn't assume the school won't help, and instead should report the facts of what happened and see how the administration can assist. 

Tuscarora School District parent Nicole said parents should be professional and calm when going to the district. 

"Don't go cussin' and hollerin' at the school, because it doesn't fix anything," she said. "They do not respond to that." 

Be the bigger person

As a mother, Nicole also works on reassuring her child that, when they are bullied, it's "not (their) fault, (they are) not a freak, (they are) not anything that (the bullies) are claiming (them) to be, and that nobody ever has the right to put their hands on (them)."

She also tells her child that she is impressed with the way they handle the situation, "because it's harder to walk away from somebody that's being mean and hateful, than it is to hit them in their mouth." 

Chambersburg Area School District parent Dorethea tells her child to ignore the bullies. She also reminds her child, who is 18, that they could be criminally charged if they get into a fight. 

It's important parents show their children how to appropriately handle the situation and be assertive - not aggressive, Harne said. 

"You have to remember that the kids are watching what the parents do," she added. "The parents are a role model for appropriate behavior, and so it's important for the parents to remain respectful, but assertive with the school, with the other parents, with whomever is involved in it." 

Nicole feels the same way. 

"(My child) knows that (their) knee-jerk reaction is to want to hit (the bullies)," she said. "My knee-jerk reaction is to want to go find their mothers, I'll be honest, and show them why it's not okay. That doesn't accomplish anything, and that's what I teach my (child). We need to tell our kids not to just take it, but that our reaction to it is what's going to change it. If we meet violence with violence, it's just going to continue. So, we can't do that. We have to keep pushing the school, call the principals, call the superintendents, have meetings with the teachers, go sit in their office for two hours, leave endless messages, tell them this is not okay." 

For more resources on how to prevent bullying, visit stopbullying.gov and pacer.org/bullying.

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