How parents help kids cope with Dover teen's death

In a booming voice, Harry Fox spoke out to a community of parents and children holding candles in their hands. 

“Let’s make this enjoyable,” Fox said. “Matthew would want us to remember him in a joyful way. He made everyone here smile. That’s why we’re here.”

Fox referred to Matthew Gowen, 13, who died Thursday after he was struck by a vehicle on South Salem Church Road in Dover Township. On Sunday, dozens of mourners from children to their parents gathered at Dover Community Park to remember Gowen.

As they looked upon the vigil, the thoughts of parents in the crowd wandered to their peers — Gowen’s parents.

“It’s tough to think of what the parents are going through right now,” James Krebbs, a Dover resident, said. “The whole thing is a nightmare for everyone.”

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For the parents whose children were friends and classmates of Gowens, helping their own children cope with the tragedy brings its own set of tough circumstances — how do you help your child get past something that you yourself have never dealt with?

Here’s how some parents are doing it:

Let them vent

Since Gowen’s death, Nathasha Shortencarrier’s son has been angry — putting blame on the driver involved in the crash.

Shortencarrier realized her son’s anger was an extension of his own personal grieving process and that she needed to let him cope on his own.

“We have grief as adults and we don’t want anyone to downplay it,” Shortencarrier said. “Allow him to grieve.”

Diane Krebb said her daughter Allison's reaction was more inquisitive.

“She was concerned, but sort of puzzled by it all,” Krebb said.

Diane and James let their daughter talk it out, letting her ask questions like where it happened and why it happened. They answered the questions because, if they didn’t, others at school might answer it for them.

“It was important that she knew because everyone at school would be talking about it,” Diane Krebb said.

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Reach out to others

When speaking to the crowd, Fox mentioned how the outpouring of support from the community has helped Gowen’s family. But that same source of support can help parents trying to help their children, too.

James Krebb said part of the reason he brought Allison to Sunday’s vigil was to help her understand the tragedy better.

“It’s hard to convey the gravity of something like this to an 11-year-old,” Krebb said. “We’re bringing her to see how it affects the community when someone passes away.”

The grieving community was also a chance for other parents to share how they were helping their children cope.

“I’ve been talking to other parents, seeing other parents’ opinions, seeing how their kids are dealing with it,” Suzanne Ziegler said.

Beyond the vigil, the Dover Area School District has been coordinating counseling services for students and staff. Parents said many of their children sought out those services when attending school on Friday.

Move on as best as possible

When he was in sixth grade, Charlie Snyder had a classmate who died at a young age from an asthma attack. Now, a parent to his son also named Charlie, he was drawing on past experience to help his son.

He’s told his son that death, regardless of age, is something that happens in life.

“Everybody in life experiences death,” Snyder said. “Life doesn’t stop when someone dies. It hurts. You have to remember who the kid was and just continue living.”

While he tries to help his son move past the tragedy, Snyder’s own thoughts and concerns come to the forefront.

“It does (hit home),” Snyder said. “It could be your kid... Hundreds of things run through your mind.”  

Anthony J. Machcinski is a reporter for the York Daily Record. Follow him on Facebook, @ChinskiTweets on Twitter or email him at amachcinski@ydr.com.