It was two days before the actual eclipse was to occur near our house, but for us, the apocalypse was happening now.
Zombies and pure hysteria of apocalyptic proportions. Gather the MRE’s because we have no bunker and there’s some weird cult waiting for aliens a-la an explosion via Michael Bay in our yard, and it’s going down. Hide you kids hide you wife. Hysteria.
What was I doing?
I stood over the kitchen sink, like a totally normal person who has caused said hysteria, stress-eating Doritos. It’s what one does when they have caused the chaos, and are now waiting on their only redemption: the dots of my friends’ text. But this wasn’t just any ordinary text. This was a text that was a response to another text that would seal my fate in the coming hours, and likewise, my family’s fate in the days ahead. I waited with with the inhalation of multiple Doritos, for the response.
Side note: You know there’s stress when I’m eating Doritos over the sink. Either that, or it’s just a normal day. It means I’ve abandoned all reasonable chip intake, and I’m now enjoying every last cheesy taste until my fingers are covered, and I lick those, too. Because nothing eases a guilty conscious and an over-the-top frustrated moment like cheese-flavored chemicals. Duh.
I mean, if the stress doesn’t kill me, the chemicals will. May as well enjoy it while it lasts. And sometimes, eating Doritos over the sink helps me think. Therefore, I’d texted my friend.
But cue record screech and the pause button, because let me rewind a bit in the time frame, if this sounds a little dramatic. I’m about to seal the deal for you that we are, in fact, total lunatics.
There are three kinds of people when it comes to the eclipse: The first option is mostly limited to people who don’t have time for such shenanigans. They also may or may not be frequently told that they see the glass half empty. It’s really because they’re the realistic, sorry not sorry types:
I was admittedly, probably in between that, and a little bit in the confused camp because I needed everyone to calm down, and didn’t really understand all this totality nonsense:
I hate it when there are things like mass hysteria, and the bread and milk are gone from the store. This is how people die.
Yes, today is the day for viral videos and memes. I have no idea why it’s so funny but I feel like this is what people do when it snows. Or eclipses.
{Refresh if it’s not loading.}
And then, there’s this response: {refresh if it’s not loading because smiling’s my favorite}
Jamin, was most definitely, the latter. He is literally Elf on Christmas morning. In fact, I believe he was more excited about this than the actual event of Christmas itself. A perpetual science and history dork, he’d had the eclipse on his calendar for years. Two years, people. The closer we edged to the actual date, the more excited he became. Like, this is actually happening, excited.
He ordered eclipse glasses for everyone months ago, and told the kids we would keep them home from school for a pool party while we watched, thus escalating the excitement.
Because one does not simply watch the eclipse alone.
We’re basically in the path of totality, and we weren’t missing out.
The week before, Jamin even noted that there were pairs of eclipse glasses going for 900 dollars on ebay because of a shortage. There were reports of them selling out in minutes around Nashville. All the hotels were booked. They told us on the news to get gas and groceries. {WHAT?!} Another moment where I just need everyone to calm down so no one dies, I thought. I remember laughing at the ridiculosity of the entire situation.
We were really glad we had our eclipse glasses, and we’d been prepared. It was from here on our high horses that we could chortle at the plebeians. We planned to wait it out in our very own yard so as to avoid the crazies. We were so on top of it. Yay us! High fives!
So now, this is the part where I tell you I have a small problem. It’s one of putting things away. And sometimes, the places where I put them away, don’t always make sense. Jamin calls it my stuffing problem. While I don’t like visual clutter, I can be a little absent minded with my solutions at times. I say it comes with my creative side or something… I can be a little preoccupied. Because Jamin had ordered the eclipse glasses and then… they just sat there. For weeks.
He has the opposite problem, where he doesn’t care if things aren’t put away.
Forever. On the kitchen counter.
And finally, after a standoff of the wills, I lost my everlovingcrap, and put them away like a normal person. And intentionally placed them in the hallway closet. Where they sat for a few more weeks. In my defense, I remember specifically reminding myself that this is where they were located, and that we would not forget. But at least they were out of the way. I would show him – I could put things away and be organized. It’s not rocket science, people.
At the time, Jamin was annoyed. I told him to chill, because I knew exactly where they were.
Fast forward a little more with our normal lives, and this is the part where the stress took over of living and working in 1700 square feet with five people and two giant dogs in the middle of a downstairs rehab.
Because we went into purge mode a few weeks before starting said rehab. We cleaned out three storage units, and fifty-five moving boxes. {No, I don’t know if I should feel relieved or very much ashamed – we’ve easily gotten rid of two thirds of our belongings over the past 1.5 years} And then because I freaked out a little right before school started, I also decided to clean all the things.
Jamin asked me again, if I knew where the glasses were.
Duh, Chill. I replied. I know exactly where they are.
You’d think I was nine months pregnant, because in cleaning all the things, I cleared out about seven trash bags of outgrown clothes, donated items, and old books and supplies, from the upstairs of our house, alone. Our things breed when we’re sleeping.
Do you see where I’m going with this?
Because it’s like a train wreck a-la steroids on top of the perfect storm. On top of fifteen years of marriage.
Fast forward to Friday night. I was working, and it had been a long day. When Emerson sauntered into the studio, and asked if I knew where those glasses were. Call it her intuition. But I dismissed her. They’re in the closet… I’ll get them out in a bit, I mumbled, waving her away. She came back and asked again, ten minutes later.
Fast forward to thirty minutes later, and I was starving, ready for dinner and a shower, ready to relax with the kiddos for the night after an exhausting first week of school and work on a new schedule.
Jamin, who was fully aware of my little problem, mentioned it again since he’d overhead Emerson’s quandaries: “You know where the glasses are, right?”
“Oh my gosh y’all get off my case!” I exclaimed, dramatically clomping up the stairs and to the hallway closet.
“If you lost those,” he followed up jokingly “This is grounds for divorce.”
I knew he would be fuming if I’d lost those glasses. I knew he’d be full of I-told-you-sos, and I was ready to show them. Another example of how everyone needed to calm down over this totality thing, I dramatically swung open the closet door: “Y’all are ridiculous. They’re right he—–”
But I froze in my would-be moment of triumphant vindication, because the glasses, the very glasses I’d kept for the last few months, were no longer there.
I distinctly remembered them being there.
But here we were, weeks later, and they no longer existed.
Sometimes, I wonder, if when we die, we’ll see some interesting stats.
Like, how much time of our lives we wasted waiting in line. Or looking for parking places. Or searching for inanimate objects we stupidly lost. Because I’d be willing to bet the answer the answer for the last one, is half. Half of the time we spend here on earth wasted on stupid things. And nothing drives me battier.
Cue me, trying to stay calm.
Cue me, the panic rising in my throat when each search slowly but surely yielded nothing.
I just knew they’d fallen somewhere. I was like a raptor with rabies, and dismantled the closet I’d so neatly put back together a week before when once upon a time I was so pleased with myself and my acute organization skills. Once upon a time, my little world was in order and made sense. Now I was disgruntled by total first world problems, searching for pairs of glasses. But not just any glasses. The glasses my husband had wisely purchased months before. The glasses my kids were counting on to experience something so fun with us.
Cue me, freaking out and climbing the shelves in each closet like spider man. I checked the tops. I checked the bottoms. I checked under every nook and cranny. No. Glasses.
I even mimed the idea of moving them a few times, trying to see if I remembered placing them somewhere after I’d placed them in the closet.
This. This, my friends, is how people officially go crazy.
It didn’t take long for the kids to catch on, because they knew what I was looking for. We went so far as to dismantle the lego containers, hoping they’d somehow been dropped in. And buried.
I was officially no longer using common rationale.
My brother can later be quoted, reenacting our back to school purge with: “What is this crap?!” And throwing the priceless eclipse glasses away. Because we’re now guessing that is what happened? Who knew that some stupid cardboard and plastic filmy stuff could be so important? Because other than the ghost who we’ve now fondly named as Ben in our house as a scapegoat to such nonsense, I had absolutely no excuse.
Have you ever had those moments where you know you screwed up, and you simultaneously felt equal parts guilty and stupid? Because now the younger two were catching on to the severity of the situation while mommy went bat crap cray searching through all the things. And they were on the verge of tears, exclaiming they wouldn’t be able to see the eclipse. And I did it. I was responsible.
I misplaced the glasses.
And apparently, they were worth 900 dollars, at that.
I was so angry, I couldn’t even be upset. I was so in denial that something so stupid could happen. That I was so absent minded. I’m pretty sure I had a stroke and a seizure all at once, and blacked out from sheer frustration and all the bottled up emotions. And there was no coming back from this.
So fast forward 2.5 hours later, after tearing our house apart, and here I was. Totally stress eating Doritos over the sink with abandon. I no longer had any sense of self preservation because the end of the world was here and there were no eclipse glasses to be found anywhere within a twenty mile vicinity of our existence. I was to die over the stressful aftermath of misplaced glasses, which were apparently everyone’s key to seizing the future and ensuring wealth and happiness and also probably the entryway to Heaven or something.
So I, whilst eating said Doritos, I texted my family to see if they had any.
I even put out a humbling S.O.S. on Facebook, hoping someone somewhere might actually have some.
On a whim, I texted a friend. And that was when my redemption arrived. She replied with “We might have extra – let me check!”
And so cue the chemical cheese and my waiting. On the dots. Who knew dots could carry such power?
In the end, all is well. We’re pleased to say we have a happy ending here with our total first world probs.
Children are happy.
Marriages are saved.
And I’m thankful to a couple of friends who absolutely came through to the rescue.
We can now die in happiness when the aliens land to take out the entire human population.
Wheeee.
For what it’s worth, the dumb glasses will probably turn up next week.
And also for what it’s worth, it will probably be cloudy on Monday.
The irony wouldn’t be lost on me.
Why did I write all this? Because if you’re having a bad day, I’m just hoping that you’ll think of me, stress eating Doritos like a rabid velociraptor after tearing our house completely apart whilst riddled with a debilitating side of mom guilt.
The time some doritos and eclipse glasses saved my marriage. You’re welcome.
And then you’ll go outside, and see a little bit of that eclipse – even if it is with old school paper and pinhole.
Happy eclipse day everyone!
April E Cheatham says
Haha! The eclipse mania is crazy. Here is my edition of eclipse craziness: Husband left yesterday for a training trip outside of the totality range. We live near Nashville so we are in the range of totality. My parent’s bought eclipse glasses for themselves and the grandkids. Their actual children are left to fend for themselves. Nice right? So I just need 1 pair for myself since my kids are covered and my son is getting a pair for free from the school system last Friday. So now I have a pair if I use the one he gets. Get a call on Saturday from the school system saying the glasses they gave the kids have now been determined to be faulty so we shouldn’t use them. So now I’ve just decided that I will just do the pin-hole idea with the kids and not worry about staring at the sun. But here is where I know the Lord hears even our smallest requests because on Sunday our preacher (who is from Hopkinsville, KY, where the full totality will be) had enough glasses for everyone at church on Sunday and said to take as many as you needed!!! The Lord provided in my time of need!!
Shirley says
Hahaha!! We have all been there! Trouble is people always remember the bad things you have done, not all the good …
I don’t think much is supposed
to happen here in England. You are definitely going to have the best chance in the States.
I hope it’s not the end of civilisation..I’ll be so bummed…it’s my birthday on Wednesday & im booked to see an outdoor screening of Dirty Dancing on Thursday!!
Anna says
Amazing – this made me laugh so hard!
Janet says
This is priceless. I’m so gLad you not only recorded it for your family but for us to enjoy as well. Hilarious !!!!!
Layla says
I’m rolling thank you for always keeping it real! Dang you eclipse glasses! Hope you had fun watching today!
Bonnie says
I’m so glad that your friend had glasses that you could have and saved your Marriage and Tears From the Kids!!!! The pictures are adorable 🙂
Kasey says
Hilarious! Thank you for always being so real.
Caroline says
Oh so so so funny! Just one big thanks for being real and hilarious all at the same time!
Becky says
Youve just described my life. This happens at least once a month. My son is so bad at not being able to find things he has a little sign in his room that says, “it’s not lost until your mom can’t find it”. You are absolutely right, those glasses will show up next week somewhere, it happens every time. Glad all is well at your house and everyone got to experience the esclipse together.