Every year around the new year, Chris and I have an annual summit. We reflect on life currently, deep dive into our budget, project finances for the year ahead, and set couple and personal goals. To us, this ritual is emblematic of what makes our marriage strong and happy. During and after these conversations we feel solidly on the same team and excited for the adventure of our everyday life ahead. It's a wonderful feeling and a new year doesn't feel official until we've had our summit.
A reader asked me to give more details about our annual summits and I would be happy to. Here's how they work...
The when and where
It usually works out to have our annual summit during the holidays but after Christmas. We like to have ample uninterrupted time to talk so we usually plan for a day date with a babysitter. We both like to have access to our computers during an annual summit so we set up somewhere with bigger tables, wi-fi, and natural light. We love our local library and also have a certain coffee shop that's great for cozy meetings like this.
How we set up
To get situated, Chris and I will each have our computers open with tabs for our calendars, our spreadsheet budget, and our budgeting software (currently Monarch). I'll start a new shared Google doc where I can make notes of things we say we'll do (like "set up an automatic savings transfer") and the goals we make.
We don't have official agendas for these summits and they start rather organically, usually by asking, "Okay, so what's coming up for us this year?" or, "Okay, so what's going on with our money right now?" And from there we start to work through our budget, what finances will look like this year, big upcoming expenses and travel, and goals.
What we talk about
During our annual summit, our conversation naturally flows between several connected topics. Having the time for the conversation to meander and not feel rushed is key. This is why we have our summits without children present and when we have ample time. I recommend at least two hours but having three will feel really luxurious. Our summits don't necessarily take this long but that way we don't feel rushed at all. While we talk we're usually switching computer tabs between our budget, calendars, and Google doc as needed. These are the things we talk about:
+ Expected big expenses and savings needs. In our spreadsheet budget we have space to capture big expenses like summer camp, travel, or home repairs/updates. Seeing this all in one spot shows us what is feasible during the year, if we need to prioritize and cut anything out, and the costs will need to save up for/work into our spending.
+ What's happening with our money lately. We check in on savings and investment account, and look at our recent spending. By taking a close look at our current spending and savings we can talk about what we're doing well and where we'd like to improve. This also helps us know whether we have savings that we can earmark for travel or expenses or if we need to switch into a less spendy season. We'll usually also touch base on any upcoming needed home and kid expenses that we need to anticipate, like new shoes for the kids, a landscaping service, etc. In this way we both zoom in and zoom out on our money, and always leave our summits feeling like we have a good understanding of our finances in the short- and long-term.
+ Travel. This includes family trips and individual trips for the year. We love to travel so that's a bigger expense for us each year that we capture in our spreadsheet. Plus we want to look at the overall picture for the year and make sure we are spreading trips out. Writing out all travel in one spot and the potential cost helps us see if all the travel we want to take during the year is possible. Our annual summit is also a time when a summer or fall break trip might start taking shape if we don't already have those planned.
+ Home repairs and updates. Another potentially expensive category, we talk through any needed home repairs and home improvements we might need or want to make. By listing travel, home repair, and any other big expenses together we can see what is necessary and what room we have for additional "wants" across different categories.
+ Big things happening during the year. Maybe we have a kiddo starting preschool, or Chris is waiting to hear about a job promotion, etc. We talk about when changes will or might happen, and reflect on how life could change around them. Usually along the way we'll remark on the school grades the kids will move up to during the fall, what family milestones we'll reach or hope to reach during the year, and things like that. This kind of life planning and dreaming is one of our favorite things to talk about. I'll pull up our "the years are short family spreadsheet" which is always fun to revisit.
+ Couple and individual goals. We share or at least start to brainstorm goals for ourselves and any joint goals. We'll ask each other questions about professional and health goals and brainstorm how to work towards them. While we talk about goals we'll usually reflect on how we're spending time together and how to prioritize quality time, such as weekday coffee dates or planning babysitter dates. We also talk about how parenting has felt lately, any challenges we feel we need to address, and any parenting or family culture changes we want to make.
Once we've worked our way through all of these topics, we reach a point where it feels like we've explored and talked through all aspects of our life. And that's our annual summit! We walk away feeling optimistic and in charge of the year ahead (as much as possible). Most importantly we feel connected and ready to tackle whatever the year brings, together.
Do you have an annual summit ritual with your partner? Please tell me how they go if you do! And I'm happy to answer any questions you have about our annual summits as well.
]]>While I was running on the treadmill one day, I realized that I have certain phrases that I say to myself while I exercise and memories that motivate me. I've been exercising for so long – I started running with my dad when I was 12 – that my inner monologue while I workout is second nature to me. But it made me curious about what's going on in everyone else's heads next to me on the treadmill. So I thought I'd share what's going on in my mind during a workout and I'd love to hear from you as well.
First of all, a little exercise background. Like I mentioned, I started running with my dad when I was 12, the summer after 6th grade. I remember that I wanted to go out for the track team in 7th grade and so I wanted to start running to be competitive. My dad is still a runner today and he went for a run most days during my childhood. I don't remember how often I ran with my dad, maybe once or twice a week until I started running track.
Then, two years later, I learned to row and joined the local Austin juniors rowing team. Rowing was my sport for the next eight years, all the way through college. The experience was incredibly formative for me and one I'm so thankful to have. Rowing is a sport that requires physical and mental endurance. A typical practice row could be continuously rowing for an hour or more and during that time you can't stop or talk. So there's ample time to work on mental endurance and quiet the thoughts of "When will we get a break?" and "Why is the boat leaning starboard; who is leaning??" During my senior year of college I distinctly remember being able to zone out during some of our long morning rows and think through my graduate school application essay!
Nowadays my workouts consist of Orange Theory and High Fitness. Orange Theory is a high intensity interval training group fitness class during which we run on the treadmill, lift weights, and often row as well. I've been doing Orange Theory for nine years now! High Fitness is a choreographed cardio dance-type of class that is incredibly fun and a very good workout. I discovered High Fitness in 2018 and am so thankful to have found it.
Even though I rarely say anything out loud during my workouts – maybe a quick "good job!" to the person next to me – I'm saying quite a bit internally. Perhaps more so during my Orange Theory classes because I'm working through runs and weight lifting reps. During High Fitness we're moving to the music so I'm mostly trying to stay on beat. But sometimes I need an extra mental push.
So, let me invite you into my head during a workout. Something I realized is that during my workout mental chatter I sometimes see myself as having two parts: my mental self and physical self, the brains and the brawn so to speak. It's kind of like having a coach and an athlete inside my head but they are both me – if that makes any sense! So you'll see that reflected in some of the ways I talk to myself. In addition to talking to myself, I have certain memories or scenes that I sometimes recall that also motivate me.
These are some of the things I say to myself or picture during a workout:
+ "You'll feel better when you get warmed up." Even being very fit, I don't start to really feel like working out until I'm warmed up. Knowing this, I always start off running on the treadmill right away, never walking, to get my heart rate up faster. As I'm working through my sluggishness I remind myself, "You'll feeling better when you get warmed up," and it's always true!
+ "Why did you wake up?" I wake up at 4:05 a.m. for my early Wednesday workouts at 5:05 a.m on Saturday. I'm used to it but it takes effort. To make that early alarm worth it I want to bring my best effort to my workouts. My goal is to increase my fitness, not stay stagnant. To do that I have to push myself past my comfort zone and get uncomfortable during a workout (in a good way). By the time I'm at Orange Theory I'm already awake and at the gym, there's no going back. So it's up to me to make the trip worthwhile by putting in the work. "Why did you wake up?" always gives me a little oomph.
+ "Meet me there." If we have a sprint block on the treadmill I sometimes picture myself telling a running buddy to meet me at the finish line or tell myself "meet me there," meaning I'm expecting you to keep this pace or faster the whole time. I sort of picture my coach self at the finish line with a stop watch. She knows I can keep the pace and is expecting me to meet here there, right on time.
+ "Settle..." This is a phrase from my rowing days. When we'd take off from the starting line of a sprint race we would be in a barely controlled frenzy. Once we were 20 strokes or so into the race the cox, our teammate in the bow steering and giving commands, would tell us to "Settle!" which meant find our race pace and settle in for the long haul. Sometimes I'll remind myself to "settle" after I take off in a longer push or sprint on the treadmill. I might be mentally pushing back saying, "I can't keep up this pace! I'm tired already!" So I think, "Settle..." reminding me to quiet negativity and settle into the workout.
+ "This is what being strong feels like." When I'm feeling fatigued and need to keep pushing through I tell myself, "This is what being strong feels like." On the flip side I could think to myself that feeling tired is a sign of weakness which would deflate me. Instead, I remind myself that strength is not when a workout always feels easy. It's continuing to push through even when a workout is hard. This phrase reminds me that I'm strong and what I'm doing in this moment is what being strong feels like.
+ "This is the workout right here." I use this phrase when I'm flagging a bit or don't love a particular exercise we are doing. When I tell myself this I'm telling myself that whatever I'm doing right now is the most critical part of the work out, so bring your best! This phrase gets me to hyper-focus on the specific rep, move, or running block that I'm in. Whatever I'm doing I'll check my form and tighten it up. I intend the phrase to mean that nothing else matters in the workout as much as what is happening right now. But this is a case of the brains outsmarting the brawn because I'll definitely use it more than once during a workout if needed.
Other mental approaches to a workout:
+ Breaking down running and rowing blocks. During Orange Theory treadmill blocks we run at certain paces for short blocks of time. On the rower we usually row for 600 meters or less. My mental game during these is almost always to break every block down, at least by half if not by thirds or quarters. As I run or row I'll tell myself, "Okay, first quarter is down..." And I pay special attention to the middle of any block which always feels the longest. That's always what feels the longest so I work to get through that and then feel that I'm on the downhill on the other side. Even within a block I’ve already broken down I might keep breaking things down until I get to a chunk of time or distance that doesn’t feel intimidating. Sometimes that’s just 15 seconds at a time. Whatever it takes to keep me focused and not complaining. I know this is a skill I started during rowing. We would have different paces and strategies for different sections of races so breaking a workout down into chunks has stuck with me.
+ Picturing scenes from rowing races or workouts. This can help me find that sweet spot between focus and zoning out where I'm in the flow of the workout. Although I'm glad my rowing days are behind me, they often still motivate me during a workout. Rowing in sync with seven other women, all pushing as hard as you can, is an incredible experience. You feel your own strength at the same time that it's magnified by the other women in the boat with you, all moving in rhythm together.
A cross training rowing workout we did during high school that I will sometimes recall was to sprint up the long ramps of the UT-Austin college football stadium. Not the stadium steps but the long and wide concrete ramps where fans would enter and walk up into the stadium. It looked almost like parking garage ramps. It's been so long now but I believe we would sprint to level six, walk down, and then do it again and again for 30 minutes. Then we'd take a break by doing one-minute wall sits, and then do another block of sprints. Picturing rowing scenes and workouts not only motivates me but reminds me how happy I am to be running on a treadmill and not up stadium ramps!
+ Picturing giving birth. I'm not sure if this sounds weird but my three non-medicated birth experiences were so powerful and empowering to me that during a workout they can remind me of what my body is capable of. "If I can birth babies without pain medicine, surely I can do ___." And absolutely I can.
+ Thinking of my friend Allyson! Allyson and I rowed together in high school, are still dear friends, and she also does Orange Theory! We love to talk about exercise and motivation and when the other one needs encouragement for anything will send a text that says "Power 20!" – a phrase that's used during a rowing sprint. So sometimes during a workout I might picture working out next to Allyson and that always puts a zip in my step or row.
I hope you enjoyed visiting the inside of my head during a workout! It was an interesting experience to reflect on all that goes on for me mentally during a workout. I would be so curious to hear what your mental dialogue and imagery is like when you exercise!
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Two weekends ago I filled the trunk of our car with bags of soil and plants. At home in the backyard I worked all morning digging up the compacted soil, pulling out weeds of long-gone plants, and creating soft, ready beds. It's been so long since I worked in the yard like that with my hands. I kept thinking how good it felt to get my hands dirty and to fill two corners of our yard, plus a couple of pots, with plants. Maeve helped me "tuck in" the plants nice and cozy and even sang them a bedtime song when we were done.
When I visited my friend Margot's yard last summer I was struck by all the plants that she's added. Even in the nearly oppressive heat her yard looked lush. She told me that buying a pot on sale and a plant to go with it is something she does for a mood boost. What a lovely practice, and one that keeps boosting your mood as you glimpse the growing plants and enjoy watering and tending to them. I'd like to follow suit and feel I might soon be entering my plant lady era.
What feels hard lately is the unpredictability of how our family time goes. Sometimes our afternoons will be almost unbelievably ideal. I'll pick up Maeve from preschool on my bike and she scooters home with me where we meet up with the boys who have already biked home. There are snacks, new library books, perhaps coloring and listening to a podcast together. Later we might see friends outside and then walk with them to the park where we have enjoyable conversations while the kids play together.
But at other times there are tidal waves of emotion and simple plans go sideways leaving Chris and me feeling drained. That's just the pattern of life right now. It's not an emergency. It's not a crisis. But it can all feel harder than necessary. So that's been on my mind lately. What can really help me gain perspective is all the memory keeping I've done over the years. I can peek back into my blog at March of any year back to 2012 (before kids!) and see how quickly time goes and kids change. I can flip through one of our photo books and see the everyday joys we found no matter the parenting season. All of that helps me see our current season with softer eyes.
The other thing that really helps me recharge: having a quiet house and pursing my own work for seven-ish hours a day, five days a week! I want to be really honest about that too because my current work situation is a big factor in my overall fulfillment.
So that's how I'm heading into March. Tending to plants, tending to kids, tending to my own interests – all to the best of my ability.
Big things happening in March
+ The kids' spring break. They're off for two weeks!
+ Our road trip to Joshua Tree National Park and San Juan Capistrano, California. We'll be traveling for a full week.
+ Host HomeExchange guests. We'll be swapping homes with a couple from San Juan Capistrano. This will be our fourth time hosting people in our home.
+ Maeve's birthday party. Hosting this late in the month although ahead of her birthday because we'll be traveling again near her actual birthday.
+ Easter. Time to start thinking about our plans and Easter bags.
March goals
+ Have a summer planning meeting with Chris. We need to start thinking about what the kids will do this summer and budget for camps, etc. I can't believe it's already time to do this again.
+ Finish planning and host Maeve’s birthday party.
+ Take the next steps for Your Year to Shine 2025. The most basic part of this is scheduling time each week to work on this and keep things moving forward.
+ Start outlining a new workshop. I had an idea for a new workshop that would be a great compliment to Your Year to Shine. Possibly launching in September...stay tuned!
+ Get organized for an overhaul of my blog. This is so overdue but a big project. I think I'm ready to go ahead with it this year. Thanks to website whiz and reader Amanda!
+ Take care of tasks for local political campaigns. I'm volunteering a small amount of time for a couple of local political campaigns, one for a particular candidate and one for public school funding. I know that local political efforts can really make a difference so that's why I'm making room even in this very full season of life.
As a reminder, here are my 2024 goals, which often inform my monthly goals.
Wishing you a good March, friends!
March 2023 | March 2022 | March 2021 | March 2020 | March 2019 | March 2017 | March 2016 | March 2015 | | March 2014 | March 2013 | March 2012
]]>Hi, friends! How was your February? Lately I'm sipping coffee that's half-caf (which I mix up myself) although I always make my coffee strong, decaf or not. I use one very full tablespoon of coffee per carafe cup of water to make my coffee. I'm curious, what ratio of coffee to water do you brew? My personal opinion is that there's no excuse for weak coffee. ;)
February was wonderfully rainy, our rainiest month in my recent memory, and I reveled in the coziness. I leaned all the way into the coziness with a weekend trip to the mountains with Erica for our annual Girl Next Door Podcast planning retreat. We spent all weekend under blankets and next to the fire while we dreamed up another year of content that we are so excited about. Meanwhile, snow-swirled outside the big windows through snow-covered trees. And of course, we ate delicious food all weekend too. I'm not sure if I can remember ever having a cozier weekend.
February also felt so busy! Chris and I have asked ourselves how we feel so busy when we intentionally try not to be. I think a big part of the busyness is just having three kids! There are three little humans who depend on us and who have needs and emotions and hunger at nearly all hours of the day (at least it can feel that way). There are five people in our not-very-large house who generate messes and laundry and dishes every day.
Even though we currently have just two extracurricular activities (Dash is playing soccer and the boys are taking one tennis lesson a week at the same time) each of the kids seems to want to go different directions after school. So it's, "Yes, you can go play with friends but be home for dinner at 5:30 p.m. before soccer practice," and "Yes you can ride your bike to the bakery with your friend but check in with me afterwards." And "Yes, I can take you down to the park but first I need to prep dinner" (and I hope for minimal resistance and mess while I do...) None of that feels like the dialogue of the over-scheduled and yet it still feels like a lot.
I also have to remind myself that we have a three year old. There are so many tasks and so much friction baked into our day because of that – but it’ll get easier! There are so many tasks and friction baked into our day because of that which will be shed. Just this morning, as I was getting Maeve dressed, I realized, "Oh yeah, one day she'll do this on her own!" I'll miss the days of getting Maeve out of her nighttime pull up and into her clothes for the day (stretchy leggings sitting perfectly across her soft, full belly) but I'll gain something too when we are passed them.
Family fun
I have a few notes of family fun to report in February. First, picnic dinners. Many nights after dinner one or more of the kids was asking to go for a family walk. Which we love! But less so when we're getting started at 6:30 p.m. when really we want to start shepherding everyone through the bedtime routine. We can tell that getting energy out and being together makes everyone happier so I considered how we could re-order or re-imagine our evening routine. I came up with packing up simple picnic dinners and having them at the park!
As I've shared, dinner can be a challenge at our house. I also don't think it's a meal my kids are super hungry for anyway. So picnic dinner is actually a great way to mix things up for us. For picnic dinner nights we pack up simple things to eat like fruit, carrots and dip, warmed up veggie sausages, sometimes a quick quesadilla – a lot of the stuff that appears on the dinner table anyway – and take it all to the basketball court park down the street. Sometimes Chris and I pack up something simple that we want to eat for dinner, sometimes we scarf something down before or after. At the park, the boys and Chris rollerblade and/or shoot hoops. Maeve rides her scooter and sometimes kicks a soccer ball. Everyone is active, eats something, and spends quality time together. We've done a lot of park picnic dinners lately and they've been great.
Something else I did this month was to plan some family fun to honor Lunar New Year. Ahead of Lunar New Year I love to request story books about the holiday from the library and I enjoyed reading those with Maeve. I also love the experience of learning about other cultures from story books. To cap off what we learned we took a family field trip to a Korean ice cream shop that we love and visited a large Asian supermarket where we bought a few foods to try.
We also found family fun together this month with a few family movies on rainy nights. The Parent Trap (a classic from my childhood!), Brave, Toy Story, and Turning Red were hits with everyone. But lest you think it's all picnic dinners and movie nights over here...some family fun didn't turn out as rosy. Once again no one wanted to go check out a new bakery with me and get treats (guess I'll just stop offering?) and there wasn't much participation in the family gardening morning that I was excited for. You win some and you lose some!
My day off
Is happening today! I decided to take myself out in the morning for a coffee, a scone, and reading after a morning Orange Theory class. Then I plan to walk at the Riparian Preserve and listen to my audiobook (I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings). Mid-morning I have a mini-facial scheduled, snagged with a Groupon. After that I'll grab whatever I'm feeling like for lunch and then either work in our backyard garden which I've been enjoying or go browse at the library. Perhaps with an afternoon coffee along the way.
What I read in February
The Guest | described as a "propulsive" and "spellbinding" novel, I did not agree and abandoned after logging more than half the audiobook. The main character was kept at too much of an arm's reach and I was finding the plot to be repetitive.
Wellness | this book is long (over 600 pages) and ambitious in all the topics it sough to cover: the challenges of marriage, consumerism, the legacy of family emotional trauma, the impact of social media and its algorithms, and what qualifies as art, to name a few. I read the entire book but didn't love it for a few reasons. First of all, there is a trope I have noticed in books of passionate young lovers turning into stale spouses in middle age. I detest this trope because it's done in a way that makes the staleness seem inevitable. The book opens with how the two main characters met and fell in love, which all sounded very romantic. Then we jump into their stale, middle age marriage which I found jarring and hard to get on board with. I also thought the description of Elizabeth's business, Wellness, was too far-fetched and I also could not see how her character of multiple college degrees would end up in a middling career. I was disappointed the book didn't spend more time on the wellness industry and all of its harmful misinformation. I found the paragraphs long monologues on why marriage is a flawed concept to be excessive. I did underline some great writing. And know several people who loved this book so I might be outlier here but didn't love this.
My Murder | This book, on the other hand, I eagerly devoured. Here are the first lines of the book blurb: "Lou is a happily married mother of an adorable toddler. She’s also the victim of a local serial killer." Set sometime in the future where immersive VR and cloning is commonplace, five victims of a serial killer have been brought back to life. But slowly questions emerge and Lou finds herself solving her own murder. Highly recommend.
Tranquility By Tuesday | It's been a while since I've read a book by Laura Vanderkam but as soon as I started this I felt the calm reassurance that all her books bring me. Her writing always reminds me: if you are intentional, you do have time for the things that matter. Her suggestions are always practical and impactful. In this book she outlines nine strategies to "calm the chaos and make time for what matters." A few of the tips I immediately started doing include: planning on Fridays and move by 3 p.m. I have also continued to think about "three times a week is a habit" and "effortful fun before effortless fun." If you are into time management and personal growth books I highly recommend this one.
Currently reading: This Is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, and I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (on audio and on my 2024 syllabus).
Everyday joys + small wins
Primary Valentine's Day sweatshirt| I'm in love with Primary sweatshirts and now own two. Lately, I've been enjoying having a wearable seasonal item or two for each season (like a Christmas tree t-shirt and my good witch shirt for Halloween). Now I have a cozy sweatshirt for Valentine's day (and it works any time too).
Black cherry vanilla sparkling water | a new flavor at Trader Joe's. Perfect with lunch or for an afternoon zing.
Setting the coffee to brew the next morning | This is one of my favorite high fives to my future self. To wake up, especially at the very early hour when I do, and to find hot, strong coffee waiting for me, is the best.
Getting the car washed + vacuumed | I love driving my car but even more so when it's beautifully clean. I'm usually pretty good about keeping the car washed and tidy but it was overdue. It was definitely a win and a joy to have it clean again from front seat to back. (P.S. My car organization tips)
We have a pet snail | I tell people that I am "happily pet free" and I stand by that. But this little stowaway snail was discovered in one of my indoor plants and well, now we have a pet snail. Her name is Noie (named by Maeve), she eats Little Gem lettuce, and Chris recently talked very seriously with a Petco employee about snail shell health.
Revisiting February goals
+ Make a plan and timeline for Your Year to Shine 2025. Yes! I'm always surprised at how little effort a timeline and plan takes for how much momentum it gives me for a project.
+ Catch up on photographing kiddo art work. Yes! That felt really good to take care of.
+ Go on a family hike. Nope! But instead we bought plants and I had hoped we'd work as a family to plant them. Only one of the three kids joined the planting so I was a bit bummed but oh well!
+ Take care of tax admin. Hoping to make progress on this this week. If not, it'll get kicked to March.
+ Plan April birthdays. Yes! I booked a park ramada for Maeve's birthday party and helped Dash decide what he wants to do as well. Now I have a unicorn park birthday party to plan. Your tips for a great park birthday party are welcome; thank you!
+ Plan our spring break trip to Joshua Tree National Park and San Juan Capistrano. Yes! I blocked out time last week gathered several restaurant and activities recommendations.
+ Have weekly family meetings. Still working towards making these routine but we are being better about a casual touch-base and sharing what's coming up.
+ Keep up weekly Saturday Sweeps. Most weekends, yes. Despite some moods and complaints.
+ One-on-one time with each of my kids. Also one of my 2024 goals. Revisiting my monthly goals reminded me of this priority and I find myself looking for even small opportunities for one-on-one quality time. A highlight this month was taking Dash out for an evening. We played racquetball at the rec center, played Yahtzee over pizza dinner, got ice cream, and then played pool. It was so fun and I love that we fit in some many different kinds of games.
I hope you found good things in February, friends!
]]>This is our house – we think it's so cute! Sadly we had to have the backyard tree removed last year though.
Last Friday was the two year anniversary of having our offer accepted on our second home in Eau Claire, Wisconsin – even before we had ever been to Eau Claire! Here's the full story about why we purchased a second home including how we afforded to buy a second home. The short story is climate change and by using a big chunk of savings and additional funds from a well-timed cash-out refinance of our Arizona home.
Now that we've owned a second home for a while I wanted to share an update on the house and lessons learned so far. On Instagram, I asked what questions you have and received several – thank you!
Someone asked me if we have any regrets, which seems like a great place to start. We have none! In fact, the more time that goes by I feel even more grateful that we took the plunge when we did. Having our home in Eau Claire continues to feel like not only a solid financial investment but an investment for our future, whether we need to live there because of water scarcity or even if we just spend summers there eventually.
Here are the answers to other questions that were asked...
Are you using a property management company?
We do now have a property management company so they do the heavy lifting of managing the home and the tenants. In terms of managing the property manager and handling all the administration of having a rental property, I've been managing all those tasks.
I consider our rental house management part of my current work portfolio along with writing and podcasting. My dad spent his career as a realtor and property manager including for his own rental properties so the real estate world is pretty familiar to me. Plus I have my dad's wise advice just a phone call away. I've found that I really enjoy managing everything having to do with our second home so perhaps real estate is in my genes!
As I'll describe in a minute, there have been some stressful tenant situations that I've had to manage on my own and then with a property manager. But I've found that even with the ups and downs I have really enjoyed the work of having an investment property. I've loved learning that about myself! In fact, I would love to work towards being able to afford another rental property in Eau Claire at some point.
Is the home currently rented out? What has the tenant situation been like?
We spent a month at our house in June of 2022, getting to know the house and Eau Claire. Since we left, the house has been rented out by two different long-term tenants. Initially we did not hire a property manager because the house was in great shape and we had service professionals on call to handle any home maintenance. I thought, perhaps naively, that having tenants would be pretty straight-forward (and really should have been!). But unfortunately our first tenants ended up being quite stressful such as consistently paying rent very late and similar challenges. To the point that I was worried we would have to go through an eviction process just months into a rental agreement. Ack!
So I found myself suddenly scrambling to hire a local property manager. Thankfully I connected with a local company who I've been happy with overall. They were able to take over all management of a difficult situation and I was so grateful! Our first tenant ended up finishing their one-year lease and ultimately never missed a payment. So while the situation was stressful it did not impact us financially.
It was also great to have a property manager in place to find new tenants because they took care of everything: advertising, showing the house, and setting up a lease with new tenants. Plus they take care of all communication with tenants, handling rent payments, and home maintenance (which incurs additional fees). I'm happy to share that now we have great, stress-free tenants in the home.
My advice to anyone else considering owning a second home far away would be to hire a property management company. I've found their fee of 7% of the monthly rent payment (which is pretty standard) to be well worth everything the property manager takes care of and for the peace of mind.
One more note on being a landlord. I keep in mind our role in the housing market where finding affordable housing, particularly for renters, is becoming a serious challenge. (Two great interviews on this topic: one, two.) In between tenants we did raise the rent on our home after consulting with our property manager about market values. I told them that when they were reviewing tenants that we could consider lowering the rent for any service professionals: teachers, nurses, police officers, fire fighters, etc. who might not be able to otherwise afford the rent. This situation did not come up but I was genuine in my offer. We will also continue to be very thoughtful about whether we raise the rent. At this time I think the rent is a win-win for us and our tenants that I don't see changing.
Does your house make money? How long did you have to save to afford a second home?
In terms of finances, our second home has been a great investment so far. The home has gained thousands of dollars of value since we purchased it (according to Zillow anyway) which is great to see. We continue to see the city of Eau Claire develop and look strong economically which is great for our home's value. And the home cash flows which means that the rent payment is above our mortgage payment. So most months (if no maintenance is done) we make as much as a few hundred dollars on top of what we need to pay in mortgage.
Even with a cash flow rental property, the house is not an additional source of income for us that funds our everyday lives. This is very much a long-term investment. We set up a separate bank account for the Eau Claire house and keep everything separate from the rest of our finances.
There have been a few maintenance projects during the past year that have used up just about all the money the house made. We had to have a huge tree removed in the backyard because it was mostly dead after years of beetle infestation. We were so sad about losing the tree and the $2,100 cost of removal. We've also proactively replaced the water heater (it was literally the same age as me, installed in December 1983 so almost 40 years old when we had it replaced), replaced the microwave, and resurfaced the front and back steps. So far we have not done any renovating or updating beyond the projects I mentioned but we definitely have big dreams for those in the future.
Someone asked me how long we saved to pay for a second home. There are two parts to that answer. One, we saved for years and years to build up thousands of dollars in our Vanguard index fund investment account. We tapped some of that money for the home purchase. But we also did a cash-out refinance in 2021 and pulled out money we had in equity out of our Arizona home. Interest rates were ridiculously low and our home had gained a lot of value since we purchased it for $200,000 in 2009. We were able to refinance our current home and get a very low interest rate while keeping an affordable monthly payment on a new 20-year mortgage for our Arizona home, plus take out a big chunk of cash. Then within a year we invested a lot of the money we withdrew into a second home at a reasonable interest rate of 4% (just before interest rates took off). So we got very lucky with the timing and benefited from that. At the same time, we were also ready to take advantage of the real estate market when it was in our favor.
Do you plan to relocate to Eau Claire permanently? What are your long-term plans for the house?
At this time we have no plans to relocate to Eau Claire permanently. Chris has a great job here, we have a wonderful community of family and friends, and love the day to day of our life. I could see us moving to Eau Claire permanently if we start seeing serious signs of a coming water shortage here in Arizona. It's tricky because some of the reports about water here make it seem like we are already seeing those signs! While other reports assure us that Arizona has planned well for its water future. What we do know is that we have so much peace of mind now that we have a climate change "plan B."
Our long-term plans for the house are to eventually stop renting the house out to long-term tenants so that we can stay in the house during the summers. To realize this situation we need to work towards a couple of things: 1) saving up to furnish the home which I estimate will cost between $20,000 and $30,000, and 2) either renting the home out short term when we aren't there, through AirBnB or to traveling nurses, or put ourselves in the financial situation where we can afford two mortgages.
Our timeline is to be able to save up and furnish the home within the next three to five years. Once we are no longer paying for preschool (a year and a half from now) and for our car (two years from now) we'll be able to save up even faster. To make the transition we'd probably plan to spend a summer in Eau Claire, furnish the house, and set it up for short-term rentals. I still need to learn more about the short-term rental market, especially for nurses, to understand what that financial situation could be like.
When do you plan to be in Eau Claire again?
We aren't sure but we hope within the year! Depending on how our finances are looking towards the end of the summer we might be able to fit in a trip to Eau Claire over fall break. It's a long road trip for us (three days) or five plane tickets plus a rental car to travel there so it's not a quick or inexpensive trip. Plus right now our house is rented out so we'd need to stay elsewhere. But we are eager to get back as soon as we can.
In the meantime, we've enjoyed staying up to date with EC happenings by following local businesses on Instagram and by subscribing to the print edition of the Volume One magazine. The monthly publication highlights city happenings and businesses and whenever we get a new issue Chris and I remark to each other about all the cool stuff happening in Eau Claire.
I hope that answers your questions about our second home in Eau Claire. If you have others please let me know and I'd be happy to answer.
]]>This year, as part of my 2024 goals, I'm planning to take three days completely off: February 29, June 22 (my half birthday), and December 22 (my birthday). Every year I take my birthday off and love the feeling of being completely "off-duty." I realized I should not limit myself to feeling that way only once per year!
As I've been looking ahead to February 29 I found myself trying to figure out how to take a day off. What a funny conundrum to be in! But I wonder if others can relate to it as well. Even though I take a full day off once a year on my birthday I still don't feel like I'm great at designing a day off. Part of this is my season of life: I have three young kids, a household to co-manage, and work for myself. I just don't have much opportunity to practice taking breaks! Part of my challenge is that work and being productive is truly fun for me. Although I recognize how important it is to balance rest and work, even "fun" work. We are not robots!
So I've been asking myself, "What can I do for eight-ish hours that will leave me feeling the most refreshed?" And slightly more existential, "What do I even like to do for fun??" I think these are good questions that as adults we don't ask ourselves very often – but should!
Interestingly (or maybe not) I'm mostly drawn to doing things alone. Although I love being social, I'm an introvert at heart and having a quiet, leisurely day alone is what I crave to feel refreshed.
I thought I'd start with a brainstorm list of things that I enjoy doing. From the list, I could choose two or three things to include in my day off:
+ Going out to breakfast alone at The Coffee Shop, my favorite local coffee shop, and reading. I usually do this on my birthday!
+ Showering, blow-drying, and curling my hair. Also wearing some makeup. I don't do any of these things every day so they feel like a treat when I get to do them.
+ Shopping in a non-stressful way, such as browsing at Sephora or the Container Store or going into one clothing store, like Madewell or Loft, to look for something to buy.
+ Browsing at a book store, especially a locally owned one.
+ Exercising either early in the morning so it's already done or doing a gentle kind of exercise, like yoga, during the day.
+ Watching a movie I've been wanting to see. This could be at the theater or at home now that we have a great movie set up with our new TV.
+ Catching up with a friend on the phone, perhaps while I walk outside and in the company of a cup of coffee.
+ Speaking of coffee, a mid-afternoon cup of coffee and maybe a sweet treat. This feels so indulgent to me!
+ Checking out something new or new-to-me around town like a restaurant, shop, art exhibit, etc.
+ Getting a facial. I rarely get these but I much prefer a facial to a massage.
+ Getting my nails done. Although truthfully I like to have my nails look beautiful on a day off but don't necessarily want to spend my day off getting them done.
+ Making a new recipe from one of my cookbooks, or a cookbook that I've checked out of the library. I've made bread once from Bittman Bread cookbook which I currently have out from the library. Maybe baking another loaf or trying another of the sourdough baked good recipes in the book?
+ Going shopping for supplies to support a hobby. Such as buying a few things to support the bread baking I've been trying, like a food scale, new loaf pan, and a sourdough starter jar.
+ Lunch or dinner out with friends? I love the idea of this! But the coordinating part is less attractive. I feel like coordinating and scheduling is such a big and draining part of my life. But I could pick a place I want to go, name the time, and throw the invite out to several people. If no one can make it I can always enjoy bringing my book.
My minds starts to drift to other things that I think are fun but that stray into work and productivity. I'm not totally opposed to including one of these things but want to make sure that including something productive would actually be refreshing for me. It's tough because I often have the feeling that if I could just clear out several to-do list items then I would be able to relax more. Do you feel this way? So part of me is tempted to turn a day off into a power productivity day and clear the decks.
But the to-do list items will keep rolling in as soon as I clear some away. Plus I know that the illusive "I'll be able to relax when..." is something we all think from time to time but it's honestly a lie. The point is to learn how to rest now even when there are things to be done (there will always be something to do).
What do you think about days off? Do you take them? If not, could you find a way to put one on the calendar this year. A birthday is often a great place to start! What would your ideal day off look like?
P.S. If you like this topic I have two book recommendations for you, both by Laura Vanderkam, who has been a time management inspiration for years. (I wrote about how much I liked her book I Know How She Does It way back in my full time working mom days.). But in terms of finding rest and fun, I highly recommend Laura's book Off the Clock and the book I'm currently reading, Tranquility By Tuesday. I love the way Laura presents information and new ideas in such a practical and appealing way. As soon as I read one of her recommendations I'm always eager to implement it!
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In September I shared 10 things adding shine to my life. Today I'm back with a similar list of everyday joys, so named because I sign off every episode of my audioblog podcast with "wishing you everyday joys and small wins." I was going to do a list of 10 but at the end of the list I thought of one more, and I thought, "What's the harm in 11 joys instead of 10?!" So here are 11 everyday joys I'm noticing lately in no particular order...
11. Rain. Here in central Arizona we get a whopping annual rainfall of seven inches. Did you know it was so low? For someone who loves gray, rainy days it can be a distressingly low number. But this winter has been a rainy one for us and we've enjoyed a handful of chilly, wet days and I have loved every minute, and drop, of them.
10. Art on our Frame TV. This past Christmas, we became a TV-owning household again after almost nine years. It has been a great addition for family movies and occasional shows but what I really love is displaying art. We bought the art subscription and I delight in choosing a piece of art to reflect the season, the weather, or just my whim. I also love walking into the room to see what art Chris has picked for the day – it often surprises me!
9. Frisbee golf. We've played Frisbee golf twice as a family and really enjoy it! For Christmas, we bought discs and a portable goal for the family and since then have enjoyed checking out two local courses. I love that we've discovered courses right in our town that we've driven by so many times but never knew they were there. I love that the activity gets us outside and that the sport accommodates all skill levels. We've played 9-hole courses with the boys; Maeve usually meanders along nearby but occasionally tosses a disc. It's hard to find activities for ages 3 to 10 and I'm glad we've found this one.
8. Pumpkin muffins. On Wednesdays, two neighbor friends come home with the boys so there are four hungry boys who need an after school snack. I've been trying different muffin recipes for snack and remembered my favorite pumpkin bread recipe from Smitten Kitchen. I tried adding much less sugar (just 1/2 a cup) and made muffins instead of bread. The boys devoured them and now I've made them three weeks in a row.
7. Turning the corner out of toddlerdom? Toddlers are so so cute, and can also be so, so hard. One of my wishes for this year is to turn the corner out of Maeve's hardest toddler behaviors, like the all-out meltdowns over the littlest things and waking up in a terrible, screamy mood. And I think we might be?! I don't want to jinx myself but over the past month I have noticed many fewer screamy mornings and overall a bit more evenness in Maeve's mood. It's a welcome change and I love having more sweet and playful time with our girl. (Haha joke's on me. I wrote this in the early morning and just a couple hours later Maeve had a huge toddler meltdown. So, we're turning the corner but we aren't out of the woods.)
6. Weekly bonus time with Cedric. Because of our schedule, once a week I get about 30 minutes of extra time with Cedric when the two other kids aren't home. We have a snack and then usually go out front to pass the football. He's such a fun and easy-going companion and I love this new found time in our week.
5. Tea and biscotti. Drinking hot tea is a winter habit for me. Once it's 90 degrees and above outside I just don't crave it. But I really enjoy tea season while it's here. I usually have a mid-morning or afternoon cup. I always stock up on the candy cane green tea from Trader Joe's and a new favorite this year is the decaf hot cinnamon spice tea from Harney & Sons. Occasionally I will buy biscotti at Trader Joe's and then for the next week or so I'll enjoy a few pieces when I have a cup of tea. When I make tea, I'll ask Chris if he wants a cup. I love to deliver his tea with a surprise side of biscotti. Such a lovely small joy.
4. Sharpie S-Gel pens in 0.5 mm. After decades of being loyal to the Zebra F-301 fine tip pens, I have a new favorite pen! These have a smooth gel ink but never smear or pool. The Sharpie pens write darker and with a finer line than my Zebras. So I've been reaching for them exclusively for a few months.
3. Our record player. After years of wanting one I gifted this to myself as an early birthday present late last year. I bought a couple used records but what I'm consistently playing is The Postal Service album that Chris bought me for my birthday. It's my favorite album of all time and I love to put it on while I settle into work at the dining room table. I don't like to listen to music while I do deep work so one side is the perfect amount of time to get situated, take care of some admin, and then it's quiet. My dad has an impressive collection of vinyl and I grew up listening to records so I'm really happy to have this medium of music back in my life.
2. Sitting down to start a work day with a homemade breakfast sandwich and a full cup of fresh, hot coffee. I can't think of a more enjoyable way to kick off a weekday work day: a filling meal, hot coffee, and hours of productivity ahead of me. Bonus points if I exercised in the morning because then I have that contented feeling of just the right amount of muscle fatigue. Delicious in more ways than one!
1. Reading Frog and Toad with Maeve. A dear friend gifted us the Frog and Toad collection and let me tell you, that is a wonderful gift to give or receive. I have fond memories of reading through it with the boys and now get to experience that all over again with Maeve. I don't remember reading. Frog and Toad as a child so these characters and stories and I'm so glad they have come to me in parenthood. I am always struck by how the simple stories capture so much deeper meaning and nuance. Like the feeling of being a little scared while feeling safe and cozy with a friend in Shivers, how hard will power is in Cookies, and sorting out feelings of comparison in The Dream. In particular, the final story, Alone, feels profound to me – it captures the feeling of wanting to be quietly alone and reflect on your own contentment, and then how that experience can be richer when a dear friend joins you. It almost makes me cry!
What everyday joys have you noticed lately? I would love to hear.
]]>Great sunset and daily tea time. Two of many things I love about February.
We turned the corner from January and are already well into February; life is full and busy lately! Before pressing ahead, I want to reflect on how January started and where we are now. January started off with some rough seas but the waters feel much more manageable. With a lot of intention and effort we made parenting changes across screen time, chores, and behavior which has made a difference. Even if these things still take effort, I feel confident in our approach and what the boundaries are. That always helps me feel better about a situation.
Now that we are settled into a routine I thought it might be interesting or helpful to share what our weekly schedule looks like right now. I'm always curious about other people's schedules, especially when they have kids similar ages to mine (currently 10, 9, and 3). I like a Monday start week so starting with Mondays here's what fills our schedules:
Mondays: Chris works out early while I get up early (4 a.m.) to have coffee, write in my journal and line-a-day-journal, and plan my week. Then I go to an Orange Theory treadmill-only class at 7:20 a.m. while Chris gets the kids off the school. Chris is taking a woodworking class on Monday and Wednesday afternoons this semester so after school I greet the boys when they burst through the door and then go pick up Maeve. We don't have any after school activities on Mondays so Maeve and I hang out and often meet up with friends at the park down the street. After bedtime, I go to High Fitness at 8 p.m.
Tuesdays: Chris works out early and I hope that Maeve sleeps until 6 a.m. or later since I was up late the night before. It's a 50-50 chance. After school we have the whole afternoon until Dash's evening soccer practice so the boys play with friends, we hang with Maeve, or occasionally go do something as a family. Dash has soccer practice from 7 to 8:30 p.m. – the latest kid activity we've ever had! – and Chris usually takes him.
Wednesdays: I go to a 5 a.m. Orange Theory class. Chris has his woodworking class on Wednesday afternoons so he's gone until the 5 o'clock hour. On Wednesdays the boys get out one hour early from school and two neighbor friends come home with them. So I set out snacks and then they go out to play. I go pick up Maeve at 3 and then we hang out (i.e. play together or I try to engage her in independent play while I prep dinner / fold laundry / etc.). Once a month I have book club on Wednesday night at 7 p.m. but otherwise we don't have Wednesday evening commitments. I'm trying to make Wednesday evening a day when we watch a show with the boys after Maeve's bedtime. We just started the new Percy Jackson series and I'd love your other recs for family shows that tweens enjoy.
Thursdays: Sometimes Chris or I fit in an additional early morning workout here but not always. If I didn't have book club the night before sometimes I'll try to get up early for coffee + reading or writing. Currently Dash is playing flag football on his school's team and he has practice or a game (always at school conveniently) right after school. He also has soccer practice at 4:15 p.m. so Chris does that sports shuffle with him. After bedtime I go to High Fitness at 8 p.m.
Fridays: Chris works out early and, like Tuesdays, I hope Maeve sleeps in just a little bit. On Fridays after the kids are off to school I try to go grocery shopping at Trader Joe's so we are stocked for the weekend. After school the boys get screen time, which they are always eager for, and sometimes Maeve has some screen time or we'll take her to the park.
Saturdays: I go to Orange Theory at 6 a.m. and then come home for family chores, which we are now calling Saturday Sweep (thank you to the reader who suggested it!). Dash has a soccer game most Saturdays and lately they have been in the afternoon. Until then we do our weekend things: hang out, run errands, maybe the farmers' market (which we should do more in this great weather!), and often the boys get together with their cousin. Same for Saturday after the soccer game.
Sundays: Chris sometimes goes to a 90 minute Orange Theory class. The boys just started tennis lessons and so those on Sunday afternoons. I try to make a soup on Sundays so that Chris and I can eat the leftovers all week. We try to make sure all laundry is done and everything shipshape for the week ahead. Which recalls the Sunday Home, a post and concept I still love. We aim to have everyone bathed and in bed on time on Sundays (asleep by 7 p.m. for Maeve, in bed by 7 or 7:30 p.m. for the boys) so that Chris and I can also go to bed early.
A day date to the Japanese Friendship Garden and an almond croissant from Proof at the farmers' market (YUM)
Moving on to February goals...
Big things happening in February:
+ Girl Next Door Podcast retreat. During this two-night getaway to the Arizona mountains, Erica and I plan all the coming year's content for our podcast plus talk marketing, business, and admin of the show. It's one of my favorite weekends of the year!
+ Valentine's Day plus school parties. I've been saving three shoe boxes for Valentine's boxes for months so high five to my future self indeed. Nothing big planned for a family Valentine's celebration but I do have cards for the kids (and Chris) and bought heart-shaped pasta from Trader Joe's for dinner. We usually buy a Trader Joe's cheesecake and maybe we can find a good family movie to watch.
+ Day off on Leap Day. My first day off of the year, which is part of my 2024 goals. I have it blocked off and am starting to make plans.
February goals:
A lot to get done and keep moving forward with in February, and it's a short month! But continuing to build momentum now will really help as the spring gets busier.
+ Make a plan and timeline for Your Year to Shine 2025. If you didn't join this year but want to know about the next workshop, sign up to be on my email list. (If you joined the workshop this year then you're already on the list!)
+ Catch up on photographing kiddo art work. Ack! I'm behind but did just buy a new goose neck phone holder that I think will make taking photos even easier.
+ Go on a family hike.
+ Take care of tax admin. Various tasks like downloading our daycare payment receipts and tax admin for The Girl Next Door and my work.
+ Plan April birthdays. Because we'll be traveling in March I know that Dash and Maeve's birthdays will sneak up on us. I want to decide what we're doing and book anything we need to.
+ Plan our spring break trip to Joshua Tree National Park and San Juan Capistrano. Your suggestions welcome; thank you!
+ Have weekly family meetings. We've had these for the past couple of weeks and they have been great! They are really simple and mostly are sharing calendar things. I'm really glad we are starting the routine.
+ Keep up weekly Saturday Sweeps. This is our weekly family chore hour. So far so good!
+ One-on-one time with each of my kids. Also one of my 2024 goals. I did this with two of three kids in January which helps me see where/with whom it's easy to find quality time and where I need more intention.
Wishing you good things in February, friends!
February 2023 | February 2022 | February 2021 | February 2020 | February 2019 | February 2017 | February 2016 | February 2015 | February 2014 | February 2013 | February 2012
]]>It's been so helpful for me to reflect on the family routines that we are working to get more shipshape: screen time, chores, and, today I'm chatting about behavior. Your comments and suggestions have been so helpful and encouraging – thank you!
For each of these aspects of family life I caught myself thinking, "How did we get here?" as the new year started. It seemed that all of a sudden I didn't love things that were happening in screen time, chores, and behavior in our family. So Chris and I had good conversations about how to address each of these things and started making changes this past month. Across the board I'm feeling a lot better about our parenting and family routines than when January started.
To wrap up this mini-series, let's chat about behavior...
The general behavior landscape
Although this is a post about getting our kids' behavior more shipshape, throughout the process I keep reminding myself that overwhelmingly my kids are so well behaved. Each of them gets glowing reports from teachers and the parents of friends whose homes they visit. So while we are working to tamp down some disrespectful tones and sibling bickering I do recognize that fortunately we are working from a foundation of great behavior. I do not take this for granted!
I also know that kids can exhibit their most out of sorts behavior at home because that's where they feel safe and loved unconditionally and that kids shouldn't be on their best behavior 24/7. They are figuring out boundaries, speaking up for what they want, and are entitled to their big, big feelings. I keep all of this in mind when dealing with behavior challenges.
In our home I would say our approach to behavior is firm but loving. We try to communicate clearly and often about our expectations for behavior and why we have those expectations. We also tell our kids that they are entitled to all of their feelings be it sadness, rage, annoyance, what have you, but that taking out negative feelings on others is not okay. We're trying to instill the value of respect which translates to speaking to each other respectfully (which goes both ways for kids and parents), respecting whatever space/environment we are in, and addressing conflicts constructively. Of course kids, inevitably don't always do these things we instill these values by guiding and correct over and over again.
In our home we don't yell and I think Chris and I show pretty incredible patience. Patience comes easier to me although of course is still very hard at times, and Chris especially has deepened his patience over the years. I think some of that patience comes with parenting experience. When you're newer at it, every sibling squabble feels like an emergency and can push your buttons. Now we know the tenor of an everyday spat the boys can work out themselves versus when and how we need to mediate. And we can do so (mostly) calmly, even if our buttons are still being pushed! But Chris and I both lose our cool sometimes and snap or use harsher tones than we would have liked. We are really good about talking with the kids later and apologizing if this happens. I feel proud that we have that kind of dialogue and that the kids see that adults can mess up too.
What I keep in mind about managing challenging kid behavior is that we are modeling for our kids how to handle big emotions and conflict as adults and future parents. Although we're the adults and they're the kids we don't want our words or actions to disempower or belittle them. Sometimes when I am so out of patience in a challenging situation with the kids I can draw on more patience by asking, "How do I want them to parent their own kids one day?"
The "how did we get here?" situation
Behavior feels trickier to write about because it's so situational. When my kids are at school and the house is quiet I think, "Our kids are so awesome and overall well-behaved!" But then later that same evening suddenly there's been hitting and very disrespectful attitudes and they seem out of control. I will definitely find myself thinking, "Wait! How did we get here?!" But hopefully I can give a good overview by touching on a few areas of behavior where I feel our kids (and our oversight) had strayed a bit far from the path.
Sibling interactions
The boys have been having friction lately in a couple of ways. One, they might be wrestle-playing and one of them in particular will suddenly be done and in response to the other will yell, "Stop!" in a harsh tone. This hurts the other one's feelings (rightfully so) and can often trigger a bigger outburst. On the other hand, the one who no longer wants to wrestle might have asked his brother to stop before that but his words were not honored. This whole situation is a well worn path in our house and one we would very much like to alter.
One brother has sometimes been using a biting tone to tell the other brother that he doesn't want to do whatever that brother suggested. This hurts feelings and sometimes causes bigger conflict.
And then of course Maeve brings the toddler Tazmanian devil energy to many situations. She's happy to play with a brother one minute and then wants nothing to do with him the next, which can really upset the dejected brother (understandably!). Or she comes by and just grabs toast off one of the boys' plates and starts eating it. These situations are trickier to manage, because toddler!, but it did seem like we should be addressing them directly instead of just trying to move everyone on.
Disrespectful tones and attitudes
How many ways can a kid show a disrespectful tone? Let me count the ways! This is a behavior challenge that has felt persistent and we are giving it more attention lately.
Attitude and disrespect can come up in lots of ways, like with siblings mentioned above, and another situations is around daily chores, especially showers! Even though showers have been a near daily expectation for, oh, at least six years, we can still find ourselves in arguments about whether or not a shower is needed. We do allow every other day showers sometimes in the winter or just a rinse off shower (soap but no shampoo). But our boys are also at an age where they can get pretty smelly so when they need a shower I don't want to argue! Additionally, we've found that when we have more infrequent showers that they actually fight us even more on showers because they claim they took one just yesterday...even if yesterday was two days or more ago. Anyway! I am so so tired of arguing about showers and the death stares I have received over them so we definitely want to make improvement here.
There's a similar theme for cooperatively taking care of a random task around the house that we ask the boys to do. We don't ask the kids to contribute more than a very reasonable share to household tasks and so when we ask one of them to take out the garbage or help tidy a room we expect a "Sure!" or "Can I do it when I finish this?" Not the "Mom! Why do I have to do that?" which was more common.
Unpleasant attitudes for family activities and outings
One challenging behavior for our kids is having good attitudes about family activities and outings. We have one kiddo in particular who can be pretty obstinate and resistant and he will let you know. As I mentioned before, it's okay with me if a kid isn't in a happy mood. We're all entitled to be in bad moods, and even to blow off some steam with a curt tone sometimes. Where we want to draw the line is using disrespectful tones with any regularity as well as outright refusal to go somewhere. The kids get ample free time to do as they please and be with friends so I feel confident we are being very reasonable here.
For example, if we're going somewhere as a family and that's not really what you want to do (and sometimes it feels like anything we suggest is not what a particular kid wants to do), I'm sorry you feel that way and I know it's not fun to do something you don't want to do. You can have a pouty face and not feel like chatting in the car. But you can't sit on the couch and refuse to go. Honestly sometimes you would think we are suggesting we all go shovel gravel for an hour!
As an example, one recent Saturday morning I told the kids I wanted to take them to a new coffee shop where I'd buy them each a pastry treat. They refused to go!! Well, the boys did and then of course Maeve followed suit. If this attitude comes up with fun things we can suggest you might imagine what the attitude is like if we need to bring everyone along for a more mundane outing like errands, etc.
One reason bad attitudes bother me so much is that I try to make things as enjoyable as possible. (See the coffee shop and pastry example!) If we planned a family outing it is usually with their enjoyment in mind. Also, my kids have not seemed to learned the secret that if they go along cooperatively we are so much more likely to say yes to a treat along the way or just generally be in a more agreeable mood for something they want. They actually saw this in action the other day when everyone was pleasant on our way to play frisbee golf. When they randomly asked to stop for ice cream along they way it was McFlurries for everyone! Make a mental note, kids!
Getting behavior shipshape
Chris had a great observation that all of the behavior flare ups are just part of the fabric of our days, not emergencies. This is one perspective that has helped us to get less flustered with sibling squabbles, disrespect, and grumbling. I don't expect our kids to have perfect behavior all the time so really our reality is just meeting my expectations.
Another perspective shift we've made is to hold firmer boundaries. There are a couple of reasons we had let boundaries around attitudes and behavior become more lax. One is that I do want my kids to feel empowered to express their displeasure about things. Sometimes they should even get the last word. But perhaps we'd become lax to the point that they were feeling a bit too empowered to voice their displeasure.
Another reason for some squishy boundaries is that we've had a persistent situation in which one kid's bad mood can erupt into a much bigger conflict. We've been figuring out where the line is on those situations between allowing him more space for his emotions and behavior versus firmer boundaries. We had been going with allowing more space and calmly ignoring some behaviors. But lately we've found that more firm boundaries seem to be more effective.
To address all of the undesirable behavior, a change we've made is to talk a lot about current behavior challenges, expectations, and tools everyone we can use. In a way we are trying to normalize that this stuff is going on; not to be accepting of the behavior, but to get it in the open and let everyone know what's acceptable and what's not, to be clear about how to handle situations, and what will happen if behavior isn't appropriate. Chris came up with the phrase, "We are not disruptive or disrespectful, and we don't harm each other or the house." It's straight-forward and seems to cover all situations!
In calm moments we say things like, "Hey, we are noticing these kinds of situations come up. Using disrespectful or mean words and tones are not okay. In our family we are not disruptive, not disrespectful, and we don't harm each other or the house. If we see this happening you'll get a warning. If it keeps happening there will be a consequence." For some situations, like unpleasant attitudes for family outings, sharing our point of view that we are trying to have fun as a family and feel really bummed that one person is making it gloomy for everyone seems to get the point across.
With the boys we've also talked about specific tools they can use in a disagreement. These include kindly but clearly asking someone to stop, respecting someone's request to stop, and coming to get mom and dad right away if words are not working. We're also talking about saying "no" to your brother's suggestion in a kind way.
When we do find ourselves with a surly tone before a family library outing (like we did on Tuesday) or a sibling squabble (like we did yesterday), it feels what we say is just continuing an ongoing dialogue. We know they have heard us state expectations, what tools they can use, and what the consequences might be. That familiarity seems to be helping, plus Chris and I feel very clear on what the boundaries and expectations are which also helps us be consistent.
We honestly don't issue consequences very often and try to set our expectations such that natural consequences result from undesirable behavior (i.e. no starting screens until you help with family chores). But we have felt that we need to be more strict on disrespect from the boys and so more recently told them that being disrespectful will earn a warning and then a loss of 30 minutes of screen time if it continues.We try not to assign any consequences while we're correcting a behavior but instead expect to talk to the kiddo about it later when everyone is calm and, if warranted, give a consequence at that time. A consequence could be a loss of some screen time and sometimes a verbal or written apology is expected.
Finally, a quick note about toddler behavior which is a whole separate beast! We were finding ourselves in a pattern in which Maeve was screaming and crying often about having things her specific way (often a very unreasonable or impossible specific way). Our toolbox of responses includes trying to find a compromise, validating her feelings, distraction, and sometimes holding a firm line. But we found we needed a more firm response in some situations.
What we've found to be effective is that if she is having a meltdown and nothing in our toolbox is working then one of us will take her to her room and sit in there with her. She is not happy about it but in those situations the tantrum train has left the station and there is nothing to do but let it run its course. I will try remind her of things that help her feel better: having a snack, holding a stuff animal, and reading a book. I let her know that we can't leave her room until we have a calm down plan. After a while she always runs out of steam and then wants to do her calm down plan. Often the turning point will be where her crying turns from rage to sadness and she'll come for a hug and wail, "I'm having a hard day!" And then we know she's ready to be comforted.
The more we've done this the more confident I've felt in the approach. I really like doing this kind of "time in" where we are with her. Especially for her personality being separated from us would just upset her more and not be productive. Even amidst her screaming and crying I can stay calm knowing that I'm showing her I love her but that being disruptive out in the house is not okay. Also, grabbing my Loop earplugs on the way helps!
That feels like a good overview of where we are with behavior and how we're getting things shipshape. It has been so helpful for me to think about each of these parenting challenges and organize my thoughts to write about them. If you didn't read my posts on screen time and chores you might enjoy those as well. Thank you for listening, empathizing, and for your ideas.
I'd love to hear what's challenging in your house around behavior and what approaches work for you and your kids, if you'd like to share!
]]>Let's keep talking about family routines! Over three posts I'm sharing details about three categories of family routines that we are working to get more ship-shape: screen time, chores, and behavior. As the new year started I was noticing habits and behavior in each of those areas that made me think, "Wait, how did we get here?" We chatted about screen time earlier this week and I so appreciate the suggestions, commiseration, and hearing from parents who are a few years ahead of me.
Next up in family routines we are revisiting: chores. So let's get into it...
Our philosophy on kids and chores
When I think about involving kids in household responsibilities I do so from the perspective of raising competent, confident adults. When my kids move away from the house one day I want them to be able to know how to take care of all the day to day responsibilities of being a person and living in a home. Involving our kids in age-appropriate ways in all the work of taking care of themselves and keeping up our home is how we are doing that.
Not only do I want my kids to know how to do their own laundry, load and unload a dishwasher, and clean a toilet but I also see their involvement in household tasks as a way for them to feel purpose and the everyday satisfaction of a job well done. Am I saying that cleaning a toilet is good for your mental health and that's why kids should do chores? I didn't mean to end up making that point but in a way I guess I am. Being able to take care of yourself and your living space is part of being an independent adult which lays a foundation for having the confidence and autonomy to do much more challenging things: study for college classes, work a full time job, travel to a new country where you might not know the language but you do know how to make a simple meal and, thank goodness, keep your toilet clean.
So that's the big picture that I keep in mind and what helps us kindly but firmly remind our grumbling kids that yes they do have to make their beds.
We also see helping out around the house as responsibilities that are tied to privileges. Upholding responsibilities and doing so with respectful attitudes earns privileges like staying out to play with friends until dinner time and screen time. It makes sense to me that if the boys' responsibilities are not being done then their privileges should be curtailed. We haven't had to do this often and usually reminding the boys of the tie between responsibility and privileges is enough to get them back on track.
The current chore landscape
When I've chatted with friends and compared notes on kids and chores I would say our expectations of the boys fall pretty much in the middle. We expect more of them than some parents but less than others. I really like hearing what works and doesn't for other families but have also come to realize that, like pretty much everything else with kids, you have to find what works for your family and your kids.
The good news is as my boys have gotten older I have a much better sense of what new responsibility they are ready for, and how to best implement it. Prior to instituting a few new routines (which I'll talk about in a moment), our chore expectations of the boys included:
Morning: brush teeth, brush hair, put on deodorant, make your bed, pack your backpack and lunch (which Chris or I make), and fill your water bottle.
After school: take off shoes, wash hands, unpack your backpack, lunch, water, and any papers. Currently the boys don't have homework every day and are good about taking care of it when they do so at this point homework is not part of our chore management system.
Evening: shower, fill your water bottle (which sits on their nightstands), and brush your teeth.
Other responsibilities include clearing their own dishes from the table (which we also have Maeve do) and setting them next to the sink, tidying up their rooms when asked, emptying dirty laundry into the washer when asked, and putting away folded laundry left on their beds.
Last year I made printed morning checklists for the boys that I put in page protectors so they check things off with a dry erase marker and those work beautifully. Especially because getting their checklist done is naturally tied with being able to leave for school, which they are always eager to do so they can get extra outside play time. I have also created an afternoon/evening checklist that we set out when the boys are home from school. Those work okay but they aren't tied to anything that motivates the boys to get them done like their morning checklists.
I also want to touch on chores for Maeve, who is three and a half. Maeve has seemed interested in having a chore chart so I quickly made her a morning and afternoon/evening chart using a template from Canva. She is sometimes into it and sometimes not and for now that feels fine. I am starting to set her folded laundry in her room and help her to put it away. Sometimes she will put on a dramatic show of annoyance (who did she learn that from I wonder??) but then say, "Fine!" and ends up feeling proud to do things herself. We are also including Maeve in family chores which I'll talk about more in a minute.
Now that I've been through chores at different ages with my boys I feel more confident in including Maeve in chores. I also think having more time because I'm not working full time is a big factor. Depending on age, it takes time to have kids do chores, especially at first. When I was working full time I didn't want to spend our hour and a half of evening time supervising putting away laundry, plus there really wasn't time. I can see that now but at the time I felt like I wasn't doing a good job having the boys help around the house.
Who knew you could express so much personality in a chore checklist
The "how did we get here?" situation
Perhaps you have or have heard of children who independently keep their rooms tidy, take care of all their personal hygiene without reminding, and readily take on any new responsibility assigned to them. I know some myself! But, those children do not currently live at my house.
Here's an anecdote to illustrate my point:
A couple of summers ago I had the great idea that the boys should take on the responsibility of making their own breakfast. So we announced this new expectation at the beginning of the summer. Breakfast is often cereal, toast, etc. which my 7 and 9 year old were more than capable of making for themselves. Also, they had to eat breakfast before starting any screen time. Do you know what happened after about two weeks? They just stopped eating breakfast! They claimed not to be hungry and we couldn't stand over them forcing them to make breakfast and eat it. So sometimes your great ideas about chores will be met by unexpected obstacles (i.e. your own children). If you decide that the battle is not worth it right now then I am here to say I see you.
Luckily our family routines with chores have not felt as far off the mark as screen time has. But Chris and I definitely felt that we could use some ship-shape energy. The situation wasn't so much that things were amuck but more that we need to step up our expectations of how the boys, and Maeve to an extent, participate in household tasks.
Chris and I were becoming exasperated because it can feel like we have to remind the boys of every. little. thing. they need to get done, despite having the same expectations and morning/evening routines for years. I don't mind offering reminders but I really dislike having to herd kids through tasks that they are definitely capable of managing themselves.
Another undesirable aspect of the chore/responsibilities routine as of late are attitudes around getting things done. I don't mind if someone is not thrilled to clear their dishes from the table, but a disrespectful, "Why do we always have to do this??" is not okay. And finally, I've felt that the boys are old enough to take on a few more responsibilities.
Pairing snacks with chores always helps attitudes!
Getting things ship shape
Similar to my hesitation to roll out new screen time limits, I felt some mild dread at starting to expect a bit more from our boys in terms of chores. I've found that assigning new chores to kids also means a new task of chore management for mom and dad and we've already felt stretched thin lately! But also similar to my thoughts on screen time I reminded myself that our objective is teaching responsibility which ultimately the boys will appreciate and we'll be proud of. If they don't like chores at times that's okay (hey, I don't love taking out the compost so I get it!) and their negative attitudes don't mean we're doing something wrong.
Our first order of business was getting back to the boys' morning checklists which we had sort of forgotten about. So those are back out every morning and work really well. I'm also diligently flipping those over to the afternoon/evening checklists and making sure they've gone through the afternoon stuff before they head out to play. I'm also looking to more frequently add ad hoc chores to their afternoon list, like putting away folded laundry and I'm going to have them start to bring in the garbage and recycling bins on Mondays.
A new expectation I've instituted, and that was inspired by a friend, is having the boys monitor their own laundry. For now I'll still wash and fold their laundry but they need to let me know when it needs to be washed and then take it to the laundry room. I am trying to instill in them that the, "Mom, I don't have any clean shorts!" is really a "you" problem and not a "me" problem as the cool tweens say.
At breakfast and dinner we had been having the boys put their dishes all the way in the dishwasher and had gotten away from it. So we're back to having all the kids clear their own breakfast and dinner dishes and load things into the dishwasher (Maeve is 50-50 on this but that's okay). I'd like to try having one of the boys help us clean the kitchen after dinner at least one night per week but I'm keeping a pin in that for now. Right now the boys still take a fair amount of herding through bedtime plus one of us is doing all the bedtime things with Maeve...it doesn't feel worth adding one more management task for us right now.
A new Team Wharton routine is Saturday morning family chore time (taking suggestions for a much snappier name! Branding is everything...). Here's what we do: when I get home from Orange Theory (around 7:30 a.m.) we get organized for chores. We split into two teams (each with one parent) and each team has a list of 3 – 4 chores to do (things like vacuuming the rugs, tidying rooms, settling the robot vacuum to run, taking out the garbage/recycling, and each team cleans one bathroom). Then Chris puts on some terrible 80s music (which he will say is the greatest music ever written LOL), and we tackle the chores.
Our first one last weekend went great! There was some initial grumbling from one kid but they ended up participating and apologizing for their bad attitude. The other two kids LOVED it and one even said it's his new favorite time of the week so WINNING. Plus I bought home cake pops as a post chores reward to sweeten the kick off. For now we're helping the kids do most of the tasks as needed but if we keep it up they'll be able to independently do a thorough job. We can also rotate through other jobs like wiping out the fridge shelves, wiping down baseboards, even taking the car for a car wash and clean-out. I'm really hoping we can keep this up because I love having the experience. It feels like a good way to build family community and instill the value of working together to take care of our space. Plus our house was so tidy to start the weekend!
(A quick note on the grumbling child...if he had refused to participate in chores we would have saved those tasks for him to help with and he wouldn't have been allowed to go play outside and definitely not start any screen time until he had helped out. Responsibilities = privileges.)
In terms of attitudes around chores, we've been bringing this up at times when we aren't doing chores and it seems to be helping. Before the boys head off for school, I might say, "Hey, you'll have a couple of things to get done this afternoon before going to play and remember we expect pleasant attitudes." Or we'll bring it up briefly at dinner. That often goes a long way.
I've also been addressing a particular obstinate attitude with one kiddo around showers. Luckily he's very receptive to conversations like that and especially when we frame it in terms of responsibility. "You are wanting to have more and more privileges but those come with responsibility. We need to see that you can take care of your responsibilities and with a respectful attitude or we'll need to think about pulling back some of your privileges."
Okay! That is a lot of words about kids and chores. I'd love to hear what your approach to chores is at your house and what your kids do at different ages, and any suggestions for a fun name for our family chore hour!
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