Moments later, at the Hall of Justice... ************************************************************ Yoyodyne Entertainment News August 16, 1996 Issue #56 Worldwide delivery to over 30 cities. ************************************************************ In This Week's Issue: <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> o The Dominican Republic o The Floors, The Flooooooooooooors! o The Kitty Factor o World Travel with Dr. Hans Phelan o The Yoyodyne Dictionary o Letters o Great Web Sites o Credits! <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> ************************ The Dominican Republic ************************ The oldest university in the Western Hemisphere is located in Santo Domingo, the DOMINICAN REPUBLIC. JT Gregory *source: Grolier Electronic Publishing, Inc. ------- That's riiiiiight! So JT Gregory, Ralph Wirthlin, Chris Morong, and a few other people won an envelope full of goodies from Yoyodyne. Hooray! And speaking of the Hidden Question, can I add one clause to the game? When you find the question and know the answer, can you send your name and address along with the answer? That way, if you win, I don't have to send you another e-mail asking for your name and address, and then by the time I get your name and address, I can't remember what you won or who you are, so I have to send you another e-mail asking you what you won. Then you send me back an e-mail telling me that, but not including your name and address, which I've since forgotten/deleted, so we have to start ALL OVER again. So when you send the Hidden Question answer to editor@yoyo.com, please include your name and address, okay? It'll make things way easier. Thanks. ************************************ The Floors, The Flooooooooooooors! ************************************ We had some guy come in to do a free estimate of our floors. He lifted up a bunch of the carpet and looked at the underneath. Then he said the floor was in too crummy of shape to be able to paint it. We'd have to put carpeting down. I guess it wasn't just simple hardwood; it was like, big planks in the middle of places and some of it was rotting away, etc. etc. So Heather and I have a date tonight to go to Sears and check out their commercial carpeting. Not the prettiest, but it's what we can afford. At least we can throw area rugs over it if we want to. I'm hoping to find a nice, deep red. Something that'll spruce the place up a bit. It's so yucky right now. We'll see. ****************** The Kitty Factor ****************** So you know my roommate Heather has a kitty. He's a boy. 6 months old, all black. If I don't look carefully I mistake him for Grover. And Grover for him. His name is Baby, and he's nuts. I mean, my kitties were probably like that at that age, too, and I'm forgetting. But he runs around the house, yowling and having these little kitty acid-flashbacks, and he kind of stalks my cats. Milo has smacked him a couple of times, and Grover hates him. If he even hears Baby in the other room, he starts growling. Milo has slowly come to terms with Baby and now they occasionally have a sniffing-fest which looks like they're smooching. But Grover won't budge. So I'm a little worried. But more than anything, I'm not getting a good night's sleep. Here's the scenario: Baby is out in the living room, my cats are shut away in my room with me. Heather can't keep Baby in her room because he screams and scratches at her door. So he's out in the living room, knowing that my cats are in my room. And he screams and scratches at my door. Which either wakes me up or keeps me up. So then I throw him in the bathroom. You can still hear him screaming and scratching, but at least it's not right at your door, and you can manage to fall back asleep. Then my cats wake me up, running all over my bed and wrestling with each other. I've tried variations, where I put Baby and Milo in the living room and Grover stays with me. This works out okay until about 5 a.m., when Baby realizes that Grover is in there with me and he REALLY wants to see him. Hence, he starts screaming and scratching at my door, waking me up. I throw him in the bathroom, Milo comes into my room and purrs and drools all over me, and by then I'm pretty much awake. It's like having kids sometimes. Except without all the tasty mashed carrots. P.S. The litter is in the bathroom, which brings up the delicate subject of forcing kitties to wait all night to go -- ethical or cruel? Yet, if I threw all of them out into the living room to fend for themselves, Grover would be miserable. I can find no easy answer. ************************************ World Travel with Dr. Hans Phelan ************************************ ARGENTINES MISTAKEN ABOUT U.S. WOMEN GYMNASTS Judd Hirsch Played by a Woman BUENOS AIRES>> Although I can't imagine that your readers will find much of interest "accompanying" me on the international edema symposium circuit, I am happy to comply with your gracious request for occasional foreign correspondence. Buenos Aires was the site of the five-day 19th Pan American. As July is Argentina's January, "the Paris of South America" was rainy, windy, and cold when my evening flight landed. The phones at the faceless Hilton (Avenid a 9 de Julio, near the Teatro Nacional Cervantes) were out, a chronic inconvenience for the Argentines, it seems. Anxious, tired and bored, I turned on the television and what should be on but the opening ceremonies of the Atlanta Olympics! In spite of the antiquated Argentine broadcast technology -- "ghosts" and "comet tails" -- there was no mistaking our gleaming American pomp. It was an odd sensation, I'd have to think it was like an astronaut's view of earth from the moon, though much more out of focus. Between morning and afternoon symposium sessions, some of us found the old Cafe Tortoni or "sexier" Cafe La Paz (both decorated with leering portraits of tango singer Carlos Gardel, the Argentine Elvis), where the running dialogues concerned the casting of Madonna as Evita Peran (less a question of right vs. wrong than one of wrong vs. very wrong) and the gold medal U.S. Women's Gymnastics team. My niece has since explained the nuances of the drama, but I witnessed the events from the perspective of a foreign culture possessed of the following misconceptions: * In her floor routine, Dominique Moceanu made a little clapping move next to her face. In Argentina this is a very vulgar gesture. She should not visit Buenos Aires any time soon. * Argentine broadcasters referred to the American hero Kerri Strug as "The Piranha," presumably for her tenacity. The name used for her in the cafes, however, translates as "Oinkie." * Shannon Miller was an object of unwholesome interest. By day three of the symposium, enough was enough and I skipped Dr. Randall Sutherland's tiresome program on his research at Ponds Institute (I think it is) to accompany Dr. Edson Gracie of Brazil to the lovely home of Dr. Esther Gilio for drinks before dinner at a parilla. Also present were Dr. Gilio's two snooty teenaged portenas and her amusing nine year-old, Fiora, who dragged me into the kitchen to watch her favorite television program, "Tim." As it turns out, "Tim" is just the Argentine broadcast of old "Taxi" episodes, the Alex Reiger character renamed. It is enormously popular, no doubt owing in part to one peculiar adaption. Apparently for purely comic reasons, Judd Hirsch's voice is dubbed over into Spanish by a high-voiced woman. Every time "he" spoke, Fiora collapsed in hysterical laughter. Even when Tim was giving Chipi serious advice. The morning I left the weather had cleared. Hard, low winter sunlight set the place glowing. Quite magical and made me think that had the symposium been scheduled for a warmer month, I would have skipped the whole thing just to wander the worn colonial monuments, which explains the winter scheduling, I suppose. DR. HANS PHELAN. ************************* The Yoyodyne Dictionary ************************* Dear Wendy, Hi. I have a question about the proper usage of a word. I keep wanting to use the word "snacky" as an adjective to describe something that is nifty or good in a superficial or ephemeral way. For example, a ten-dollar bonus is "snacky," since it is great to have but will leave no lasting effect on one's life. Or a fun ditty on the radio would be "snacky," since it is good to listen to for a week or so, but it is not a lasting piece of art. The problem is that I've never heard anyone else use this term in this way, and I have no idea where I appropriated my definition. Is this a well-understood word, and can I continue to use it in casual conversation? JTK ------- Wow. I defer to the prodigious vocabulary abilities of JTK! I'm serious. NEVER have I thought to use snacky in such a -- well, delicious way. It works on so many levels. I propose, right here, in this very newsletter, that Yoyodyne adopt "snacky" in all of its glory, to be used not only as a way to express the desire for a tasty portion of custard, but also as a way to convey pleasure when approving of something small, but wonderful. So simple, yet so significant. Snacky. Example sentence: "Glow-in-the-dark nail polish? Ooooooooh snacky!" (P.S. I find the use of "oooooooooooooh!" before "snacky" to be quite tasty.) ********* Letters ********* Dear Editor, I am on only my second newsletter, and I am thrilled. Quite impressed with your writing style, Wendy, as well as your keen appreciation for the absurd in life. (What else would you call a clear liquid with yellow dots?) I also appreciate your courage -- both sharing your self with us and drinking the liquid from hell. I am also impressed with Karen's advice. As a Psychology student, as well as resident counselor and dry shoulder for family and friends alike, I have to say her responses are right on target in my opinion. They are exactly the responses I would give, were I asked, and had enough time to respond creatively, and had such a gift for the spectacular turn of phrase. Keep up the good work. It is like visiting with friends on the other side of the continent. Wish I was closer -- I would help pull the carpet. - Toni Herrick, Los Angeles, California - --------------------------------------------------------- Wendy, I can only say... You're the greatest. And I don't know what that Orbitz stuff is but it sounds revolting to the extreme. Thanks for risking life and limb and testing it out for us. You are too brave. Alicia Patrick --------------------------------------------------------- Hey Wendy: I just love your newletter. I think your insights are really cool and I can never answer your hidden questions. Anyway, How did you get a great job, like writing a newsletter on the Internet??? Could I get a job like yours? If at all possible, give me any hints to get a job like yours. I am a recent graduate of Western Michigan University and I am looking for a permanent job. I am currently working but the work is just temporary. You guys just seem to have so much fun that I would love to know how to have that much fun on a job!! :0 Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks, Heather Grimes, The temporary worker -------------------- Editor's Response: -------------------- Heather the Temp: You should write us a nice e-mail telling us you are, what you like to do, and why we would love to have you here. Send it to greatjob@yoyo.com and if it makes sense, we'll write you back, probably asking more questions. After that, who knows. That's how I got my job here. : ) --------------------------------------------------------- >I'll go through my e-mail again and send prizes to 10 of >the people who answered, just randomly. And then I'll find >a question that (hopefully) isn't so ambiguous for this >week, so we can all get back to business. > >How's that sound? : ) Not bad! I suggest we replace the phrase "Wisdom of Solomon" with "Wisdom of Wendy". That updates the cliche *and* is more fun to say. Just a thought. -- Mad, impetuous Harold Norris --------------------------------------------------------- ** High Priority ** Hi all, I know you have been getting accolades for your newsletter, but I would just like to say that I love the credits! I am always antsy just to see what they will say. So I skip over the body of the letter and go straight to them. Weird, huh, e. --------------------------------------------------------- Ms. Hall (His Boy Elroy), We out here cannot really know if the Wendy Hall who sends out the YEN is a real person or the very clever invention of (perhaps) her evil twin. We can, a little, identify with the joy and irritation of the visit of a forgetful Mom. We try hard to relate to the large discomfort of meeting a long- absent Dad. And we get to see sides of our own interest in other people in our reactions to the adventures of Wendy Hall, Editor. Thank you for showing us these parts of who- you-are. We are more alive because of you. Geoff martin_geoff@prc.com --------------------------------------------------------- I have subscribed to this newsletter for several weeks. I now am of the opinion that Y.E.N. should stand for the Yoyodyne ESTROGEN Newsletter. While I am at times amused at the content and the sharp and talented wit of Ms. Wendy, I read it each week with the same sort of macabre curiosity one has in trying to positively identify the species of a roadkill (or listening to the Howard Stern radio show). The newsletter has all the male perspective of a "Cathy" cartoon strip; it could use a little more balance. For example, the movie review on Independence Day could have discussed a little more about the aliens and the special effects rather than the wardrobe of the First Lady and the 'hunkiness' of Bill Pullman. I'm sure that I'll be fascinated by the future narrative describing the replacement of Wendy's carpeting. I'd like to see a 'This Old House' angle. Realistically, however, I am expecting the 'Brady-girls-build-a-clubhouse- of-their-own' version. That's just my opinion -- I could be entirely missing the point. Mr. Concerned -------------------- Editor's Response: -------------------- Dear Mr. Concerned, Don't make me hit you with my purse. --------------------------------------------------------- Oh the disappointment! I just KNEW that you were going to let us have the URL for the orbitz drink-people. And then when you didn't...I was crushed. Your description of the Satanish drink was extremely vivid. I was simultaneously horrified and intrigued. I just had to see this for myself, and I knew Wendy would help me out. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to read your description again. Randy -------------------- Editor's Response: -------------------- Sorry, I forgot. The URL is www.orbitz.com. It's a spooky site. (No pun intended.) ***************** Great Web Sites ***************** People have requested on various occasions that I point the way to some cool Web sites in the newsletter. The thing about it is, I really don't care for the Web. I don't surf. It's slow, and most of what you find is either stupid, boring, or both. But I really wanted to find something good this week, so I started looking for Tupperware sites. I just love Tupperware. (That's right, it's an estrogen thing.) I thought maybe if I found a groovy site I could peruse the newest models, perhaps order an item or two. I went to Yahoo and searched under "Tupperware." Seventeen sites popped up. Wow. I went to a few "regular" people's sites (the 90s way to sell products, right?) and ended up on the Official Tupperware site. Let's face it, what I wanted were pictures. In the end there was nothing I really needed or could afford, but there WAS a link to some kind of Web Mall. I went for it. Whilst perusing for beds, I came across "area rugs." Online? Could it be? I clicked onward. Well. Let me tell you, I've found area rug heaven on the Web. Here are the sites, with a little reviewsky: * Area Rugs On-Line: www.3dmall.com/8/frames.html This site had LOTS of rugs. It seemed like most of them were 6 X 9, which is a pretty good size, I think. The prices varied anywhere from around $100 to $200. The best thing was all the PICTURES which I could stare at and drool all over and was I ever delighted when I discovered you could click on the pictures TO GET A BETTER LOOK. Delivery was within 2 weeks (not bad, methinks) and they gave you the price of shipping and handling right under the rug's price. Wasn't bad. * Rug Merchants: wsp2.wspice.com/worldmarketonline/rugs/ This site didn't have as many rugs, BUT they were way cheaper. The rug I had my eye on was $69.95 INCLUDING SHIPPING AND HANDLING. I know I'm yelling a lot, but this was exciting stuff for me. I'm telling you, I'm usually bored to tears on the Web. Even the Pee-Wee Herman sites are a yawn. I hadn't thought about the miracle of online shopping. This site also allowed you to click on the rug to get a better look, to see the colors it came in, and they also seemed to be primarily 6 X 9s. A few of them were really ugly, but most of them were quite nice. What I wonder is would it be totally stupid to order an area rug over the Internet? Not because of the credit card thing, but the sight-unseen thing. I mean, they looked swell in the pictures, and someone had written up charming descriptions of each rug, but hey, who knows? Of course, for $69.95 including shipping and handling, that might be a risk I want to take. I wonder if there's any return policy. I should check on that. ************************************************************ Credits! Editor, Writer, Macht Kinder Froh: Wendy Hall Guest Copyeditor, Und Erwachsene Ebenso: Malcolm Faulds Official Credits Reader: e. Yoyodyne Entertainment News is published every Friday (and it's FREE). To subscribe, simply send an e-mail to yoyonews@yoyo.com. Send queries and explanations to editor@yoyo.com. To get more information on Yoyodyne, or to find out about the spectacular games we're currently running, send e-mail to win@yoyo.com and/or newsfaq@yoyo.com. If for any reason you would like to cancel your subscription to Yoyodyne Entertainment News, send e-mail to newsquit@yoyo.com. Schnecken! ************************************************************