In This Week's Issue:
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o Hi And A Tail
o Personalities
o 1-800-CALL-ATT
o Guinea Pig Corner
o Reviews
o Letters to Editors
o Credits
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Hey, kids! It's me, Wendy. I'm back. As you may have noticed, last week's newsletter was written by our trusty hero, Mark Hurst, who did a swellacious job, I might add. He's getting a big thump on the back right here for doing that. *Thanks Mark!* I especially like the credits. Hee hee. Anyhow, as I was schlepping to the pet store last night to get food for my kitties, I realized that if they knew, like realized knew, that the name of their food was Science Diet, I bet they'd be kinda peeved. I mean, that doesn't sound like any fun at all to eat.
I guess what got me thinking about that was that the pet store was all out of Science Diet, so I bought something called Max Cat on the recommendation of the store owner. Now, Max Cat is a cute name. And it looks as cute as it sounds. It was like little brown ovals about the size of dimes. My cats really liked it, I think. Usually they pick up the food in their mouth and drop the nuggets onto the floor, and THEN eat it. But last night they were actually eating it RIGHT OUT OF THE BOWL. Maybe there's no significance, but it was a relief, because ants have started attacking the stray pellets they leave on the floor.
Although Milo did spit up a little later on, but that's another story. Anyhoo, what with the marketers now making yogurt acceptable to kids by throwing gummy bears and sprinkles into it, it stands to reason that you couldn't get away with naming something you'd want to feed a kid Science Meal, or something, unless you wanted to tell them it said something else, thus scarring them for the rest of their lives once they learn to read and realize that was a big fat lie.
So that's nice, about cats, that first of all, they eat the same thing all the time and don't care, and that their food could be called anything and that wouldn't detract from what they actually thought of the taste. Another nice thing they do is when they greet me at the door when I get home every night, they curl the ends of their tails into little question marks. Oooh that's so cute. As if to ask, "My, did you have a good day? How have you been?" Plus, as I've pointed out to Lucy the Wonderdog, as much as I love her, kitties are self-cleaning.
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I feel like sharing some of the office personalities with you now.
There's Malcolm who sits right next to me, who's being mean to me today. He toils away at his Mac all day long, occasionally taking a break to beg me for candy. He knows exactly who to ask. Malcolm also likes to break into song and dance at unexpected moments.
Anthony sits diagonally from me, chatting on the phone and clicking away on his keyboard. I don't know who he's talking to or what he's writing, but every once in a while he makes a million dollar sale and everyone pats him on the back. Anthony shares my love for all things chocolate-hazelnut.
Chris sits in front of me, spewing out proposal after proposal and asking people if they know of any celebrities who have died. I'm not really sure what he's up to, either, come to think of it...
Anne sits kinda behind me, but I regularly swivel around to make faces at her while she's on the phone. (No, not really.) Anne likes her pizza with broccoli, of all the shocking things, and she enjoys badmouthing our landlords (but who doesn't?). Anne's got this great kid named Madeline, who was once heard to say to Seth when he asked her if she would like to set the clocks in the office, "I'm not really a 'time-setting' sort of person..."
One of our newest recruits, Nana (like the cool shoe!), sits behind me to Anne's left. Nana is one of our new editorial gurus, working on the book side of things. Her desk is always neat and tidy, so we old-timers come in at night and throw extra stuff she'll never know where to put on it to make her less conspicuous. Although the way she shares her cheez crackers with everyone, she's not going anywhere without a fight.
Seth moved! And he's sitting near ME now, which he THINKS scares me, but it DOESN'T! In fact, I recommend he watch his back, as Grover figurines are known to fly through the air around my pod. He might want to start wearing a hard hat. Hey, maybe we should all wear hard hats... That would be soooo adorable...
Karen sits in the far corner, right in front of the windows. She likes to make "bat caves" for herself utilizing the reliable cardigan sweater, to keep that pesky sun off her computer screen. Upon hearing wee Max cry, Karen said with concern to Helene, "I think he needs a Coke."
Next week: The rest of the crew!
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So guess what? We're doing a game with AT&T! Yep, it's true, and we'll be announcing it shortly, but I wanted to tell you first. So you've got the scoop, in your hand. Don't throw it at anyone! It's all fun and games until someone gets hit in the ear with one of those.
Anyhoo, there's going to be a way-cool prize and the game is being designed especially for people with an edu. extension. So all you .com people won't be hearing from us on this one. It's like a secret, .EDU ONLY game. If you REALLY want to play, perhaps you should enroll in college, or become a professor or something. D-oh!
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And now, the first official installment of Guinea Pig Corner, brought to you by Teen Angst Lip Gloss. Because when you're a teen, your lips need special gloss that can hold up through those long hours of sulking. (I'm allowed to make fun of teens because I'm mentally still one, thus my frequent whining.)
In a letter to us, our official Yoyodyne Guinea Pig wrote:
Aloha my advisors,
Since I am your guinea pig and have no questions, I will share a story with you. One of my acquaintances (not friends) is a certain moron named Bo (why Bo? my guess is he couldn't remember anything longer). Once upon a social studies class we were copying notes (most people in my class, excluding myself copy the 4 blackboards of notes word for word -- Bo is one of them)
Fifteen minutes into copying the notes someone asks, "How long does it take you to put up the notes Mrs. Buttram (if you haven't guessed, that's the teacher)?" She replied,"Oh, about five minutes." Then Bo said (what later became known by me and several others as a bo-brainer), "Dang, do you use a typewriter or something?"(and yes, he was serious) What is one to do about the Bos of the world besides humoring them? (feel free to answer me)
P.S. If you for any reason need to email me (i.e. you get extremely bored, have a valid answer to one of my questions or just want to stalk me) due to eWorld shutting down please send mail to my aol account WINCE@aol.com instead of BelayBoy@eworld.com
Your piggy
*8-)=
Travis
**********Karen's response:**********
Travis, does Bo bother you? I mean, does his dumbness ever get in your way? or is it merely distracting/amusing? Unless he's being mean to you or a nuisance, you must let Bo (and all of the Bos you will meet in life) be Bo. It's in your best interests to try to learn to coexist with numbskulls at an early age. Later, you will be very thankful for this advice.
**********My response:**********
Hey, Travis,
Just get this and remember it forever: There's going to be lots of Bos in your life, so you might as well get used to it. Don't pay him any more mind than you should your gym teacher. They won't even be asterisks in the history book of your life.
Unfortunately, your next Bo could turn out to be your boss, or worse, your dry-cleaner, in which case we suggest you move to another neighborhood. And let's not forget the parade o' Bos you'll meet in college, assuming you're going. Wait till you find out that some of the biggest idiots in the world not only go to college, but thrive and actually graduate. Then they run for office. Gah.
You may find this hard to believe, but it's small comfort knowing you're smarter than a Bo. In fact, you may become envious at times of their ignorant bliss. As well you should -- Bos are way happier than you or I will ever be. Bo will have more friends, because he's easier to get along with and goes with the flow, unlike someone with a mind of their own. Bo may even get your vote someday, when you're not thinking clearly.
But I digress. For now, Bo is the guy copying notes off the blackboard in social studies. And if you can just cling to that vision from now on, you can learn to live with him, as he is, in all of his Bo-ness.
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THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN (a T.V. show on NBC every Tuesday night at 8:30)
I was all prepared to hate this show. A sitcom about aliens -- how original. But I gave it a try. The first episode made me laugh so hard there was no way I was going to miss the next one. Sure enough, the next week was perhaps even better, since I knew the characters a little bit.
Jeff Jarvis at TV Guide said this show was a string of "one-second gags," but I strongly disagree. The whole thread of John Lithgow (absolutely BRILLIANT as the "Head Commander" and "Dad" of this group) learning how to kiss with Jane Curtain (of SNL and "Kate and Allie" fame) was *brilliant*. After getting the sudden urge to kiss her after she applies lipstick ("Are you planning on doing something important with your mouth later? Because you've just painted it bright red!), he embraces her and kisses her. Shocked, she slaps him. He slaps her back. She slaps him, then kisses him. They release, and he slaps her.
Later, when they are leaving the party, he says goodbye to the hostess, who gives him a peck on the cheek. He straightens up, looks her square in the eye and slaps her clean across the face. Now that's comedy.
The entire cast of this show is outstanding, including the gorgeous "woman" who gets hooked on makeup and yells at the counter lady at the department store for getting her hooked on the samples and then wanting money. The weird guy (that's the only way I can describe him) is great, and I love his squinty eyes and nasal voice (Jennifer likes his haircut and furry jacket). The teenage boy plays it a little over the top, but he's good for a child actor. I never expect much.
Give Third Rock a try, if you're into that sort of thing. It's definitely the Mork and Mindy of the 90s.
COMIC RELIEF (a monthly magazine dedicated to comic strips and funny stuff)
Seth tossed this on my desk many months ago. I took it home on the bus with me and devoured it before I reached Yonkers. Wow, it's great. Always articles by Dave Barry, who I want to hate, but he really is a good writer and a funny guy, and lots and lots o' comics. Matt Groening, Nicole Hollander, AND Lynda Barry all in the same zine? Me in heaven! I would've thought this magazine was like MAD, except that I just read a MAD for the first time since I was 10, and I realized that it stinks. Sort of like Beefaroni; substantial proof that your tastes truly do change as you get older.
Comic Relief is good stuff. Lots of political humor, which means you won't have to read the paper or watch the news, and Calvin and Hobbes to give you tattoo ideas. All in a package you can toss across the room at your co-workers.
QUAKER CHEWY LOW FAT GRANOLA BARS (specifically, "S'mores" flavor)
I just couldn't eat those dry granola bars anymore. They're good, but a girl can only take so much, you know? So I went for the chewies. Boasting "2 grams of fat per bar" I figured they'd be a little sweeter version of the wholesome, lightly sweetened Nature Valley granola bar I usually eat. Of course, they didn't have a flavor that didn't involve chocolate chips, but they could just be out of those or something.
Well they're worse than a bag of M&M's. I mean, I don't feel sick after a bag of M&M's, but I'm positively comatose at the end of one of these bars. They're like heroin or something! Yeesh! But every morning, right around 10, I get that snacky feeling, and I go for what is there. But I'll tell you something: If *I* think something is too sweet, there is something really wrong with a product; you know what I'm saying?
The problem is that granola bars fall into that category of "snack", not "dessert". If I want dessert, I'll get dessert. A granola bar shouldn't ever be dessert. That is sick and wrong. If I want a snack, I'll get a granola bar. But just like those evil yogurts with their chocolate chip swirl sugar cookie chunk flavors, those evil marketers have taken something wholesome and made it cheap and tawdry. They put snacks in a mini-skirt to appeal to the candy people! And I'm one of the candy people, but for the love of God, when I want a snack, I want a SNACK! Can we just distinguish what is candy and what is wholesome goodness and stick to it???
Oh, my, it's time for me to lie down now.
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Awwww!
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Dear Mark;
You did a swell job pinch-hitting for Wendy! You should take over whenever Wendy needs or wants a break! You can be the beloved guest host!
Regarding "The Big Point", you are quite right. I am reminded of a quote, which I cannot attribute (I can always remember the quotation, but never who said it): "I would rather be the person who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the one who sold it." See? See how this stuff ALWAYS comes together?
Barb Kirby
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Mark,
You are such a GOOD little democrat. You deserve a treat.
Denise Anderson
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Mark-
Contrary to your opinion, a fine job pinch-hitting for Wendy this week. Especially the part about the old Dave. I was just talking about that to a friend the other day-you forgot to mention, however, when Chris Elliott's Brando did the fabulous banana dance-he would put a bunch of bananas on the floor, the band would strike up a tune, and in the break of the song Brando would throw up his hands, shrug, and say "Bananas." Then he'd walk off the stage. Try it at work someday.
paul debruler
seattle, wa
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*Mark's* Hidden Question (I don't do those anymore, member?)
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"The chair is against the wall" is from Red Dawn.
Michael Liebetrau
lt@u.washington.edu
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Okay, the last bug letter. Really.
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Andrea asked about earwigs, where their name comes from and what they do with their pincers. The name derives, not surprisingly, from an old superstition that earwigs can enter people's ears. They do not. It is believed that the pincers are used in mating (the male may clasp the female during copulation), and/or that pincers are used for defense. You can easily determine the sex of a particular earwig: Earwigs are sexually dimorphic in terms of their pincers (this means that they look different in males and females). The males have curved-in and usually toothed pincers, whereas the females have straight (or nearly straight) and untoothed pincers. Earwigs feed on decaying vegetable matter, although a few feed on living plants and a few are predaceous on other insects.
Dan Oppenheimer
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Double Awwwwww!
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Dear Wendy,
I just wanted to write to say that while YOUR newsletter can't be matched in personality and plain fun, the guest writer, Mark, did a very good job! His style is different than yours, true, but he should be proud to have done such a good job and not be so hard on himself. One day, he might have his own newsletter that's as great as yours! Thanks, Mark and Wendy!
-A Gemini who loved Mark's version of her horoscope as much as Wendy's
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Editor, Writer, Set-Design: Wendy Hall
Copyeditor, Sound, and Lighting: Jennifer Konig
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My goodness. Rilly?
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