In This Week's Issue:
<><><><><><><><><><><>
o Kitty Mayhem
o Mom
o Our Company
o Letters
o March Horoscopes
o Credits!
<><><><><><><><><><><>
***************
I woke up this morning before the alarm clock. Here's what my cats were doing: Grover Bean was in the hallway, meowing over and over at the top of his lungs. Milo Edward was sitting on top of my new set of pans that were wrapped in plastic, tearing it open with his teeth.
"rip -- rip -- rip -- rip -- rip -- rip"
"MMEOW -- RRROW? -- MRROW! -- MMEOW -- RRROW? -- MRROW!"
I sat up in bed and said, "What is going ON? Why are you guys making so much noise?" They continued with what they were doing. I tried to find something to throw at Milo, but all I had were covers. Grover was out of my sight and reach, so I couldn't get at him either. I laid back down and tried to fall back asleep. Then they started tearing around the house, chasing each other and doing those dramatic kitty screams when they pretend they're killing each other.
That was it. There was no way I could sleep through this. I got up and headed for the bathroom. Milo beat me in there and jumped into the shower curtain. Yes, *into* the shower curtain. Then he sat in it and batted it with his paw, as if in a trance. He made this really annoying plastic scraping sound again and again. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Stop that!" I finally had to pick him up and remove him from the shower.
He ran into the kitchen and together he and Grover started trying to climb into and knock over a paper bag full of garbage at the same time. Basically, the more noise the activity made, the better it was.
It was like they were crazy. Or were purposefully trying to drive me crazy.
"What is wrong with you guys? Why are you being so annoying?" The second I looked at their empty bowl I remembered. I've had these cats for two years, and still I forget. They were out of food, and when they run out of food, they get totally obnoxious and out of control. They don't beg, or sit on my lap and get cuddly, like most cats. They just go ape.
I have the weirdest cats.
*****
This weekend, I am flying down to Orlando to see me mum, who is turning 50 on Sunday. Holy high heels, Batgirl, 50? Yes, it's true, and it is an exciting age, let me tell you. For the occasion, we're getting a room at one of the Disney resorts for the weekend, where we plan to relax, eat food, and possibly visit the parks if it's not too crowded. I wanted to get my mom something really extravagant and special for her b-day, but neither of us could really think of anything, except diamond earrings, which she's getting herself. So I splurged on a plane ticket for myself. I'm the present, if you will.
Ten years ago at the age of 40, my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had surgery and six months of chemotherapy and was told to have regular checkups for the rest of her life, being a possible candidate for recurrence. Today she is healthy and well, and has never had a recurrence.
Throughout my life, I feel I've been blessed with many things. But perhaps the biggest blessing I have is my mother. She is a wonderful human being, a great friend, and a top-notch mom. She has taught me so much that allows me to be smarter than some people as young as I am, and she really listens when I whine.
And I'm really glad she's here, on Earth, today.
*************
It's almost Spring and Yoyodyne is hip-hop-happening with action! We were recently a presence at the Jupiter conference in NYC, where the real Kramer (that the character Kramer on Seinfeld is based on) kept telling everyone our booth was the hippest one there. We couldn't argue with him on that. The fake grass, plastic sky, and clear globe kind of set us apart. We gave away a $500 bottle of wine and ten games of Twister. Seth, Yoyodyne's Top Banana, spoke to an audience of millions (well, okay, but it felt like that many) and Megan, Wendy B. (our new Wendy), David and Sinead schmoozed their way through cocktail parties and various conference events.
We met lots of cool people and made dozens of important contacts, which could mean even more fun games and cool prizes for you, the players of Yoyodyne games. Gee whiz.
We've also got games going right now, games in the works, and even games we just like to think about sometimes. And I'd tell you all about them except that then I'd have to kill you. Sigh.
Arrid's Get A Little Closer Too has 30,000 players -- can you believe it? And Gold Rush, which just started, already has 10,000!
Let us also not forget about Yoyo Central, which is going strong and giving away a free T-shirt each week. Register to play at central@yoyo.com.
**********
-------------------------------
The truth is revealed at last!
-------------------------------
Hi Wendy,
I finally saw the Sprint commercial last night. I had the closed captioning on, and Candace say's "How observant" at the beginning. Now you know.
Mike
----------------------------------------
Questions for the Yoyodyne Entomologist
----------------------------------------
Hi Editor:
Seeing that Dan Oppenheimer is still on the staff, I was wondering if he will actually step up to his billing. So, here goes...
I sometimes find an insect in my house that I have identified as a "locust borer". I live in Massachusetts and I believe I find them outside most of the year and inside sometimes during the winter. What do these guys eat? Should I be concerned that they are in my house? Might they damage flowers and vegetables?
Thanks for any info,
Doug Fuller
fuller.doug@tcs.teradyne.com
-----------------------------------------------------------
Question for your consulting entomologist: Here in Maryland, we have these creatures called Silverfish, which are long, flat, many-legged, and typically crawl on ceilings, teasing your helpless cats. They are also silver-colored (surprise!). Recently, a new type moved into my home, and they are dark brown. Are they still Silverfish?
Thanks,
Beatrice Kondo
----------------------------------
Mike, can you field this one?
----------------------------------
From: GRowlee@aol.com
To: editor
Subject: You printed my letter, but
How do I join your fan club? What's Mike Ewing's address?
P.S. Thanks for printing my address...
-----------------------------------------------------------
To: editor
Since I already have a patch (which my lovely and very patient spouse has sewn on to my bowling shirt, thus totally confusing the people I bowl with who now think I work for NASA) I do not seek revival of the hidden question for material gain. I just like to read the question, figure out the answer, and then sit there smugly looking at the computer knowing I don't have to reply because I HAVE A PATCH!
So whadyasay? Throw a bone to us game-playing inquisitive types frolicking out here in the cyberhinterlands.
Give a hug to Max too when you finally get to see him.
Shannon Kennedy
--------------------------
Our Little Piggie
--------------------------
From: BelayBoy@eworld.com
To: editor
Wendy,
Well, seeing as I don't have anything better to do I'd be happy to be a guinea pig (I hope I'm spelling this correctly) and in answer to Kawatts@eworld, I am really an eighth grader, if I wasn't I wouldn't have a cool emotion like *8-)=
travis
P.S. If you're still letting people mooch off of you could I be the official Yoyodyne guinea pig?
--------------------------
Hi Wendy-
In regards to hot chocolate, my wife and I agree with Tom Wilkinson. We use Ibarra chocolate from Mexico (You can find it in many supermarkets -- at least in California). It comes in circles with cinnamon, almonds and sugar already mixed in. You put a couple of sections of Ibarra in the blender, add the preheated milk, frappe, and you get a frothy, chocolately treat.
Also, in response to TINSELAV about Frank, the cockroach: Cockroaches aren't typically cannibalistic, (they might go after baby cockroaches if hungry), but since they are omnivorous, they will eat dead cockroaches as well as any other organic debris they can digest. Since you saw no other cockroaches during the time you had Frank, it's likely he was alone and wasn't really protecting his turf. So the answer to your question is -- wait and see: it sounds like you don't have any more cockroaches. If you start to see more, then you might want to consider calling an exterminator (Although if it were my office, I would catch a few, put them in a terrarium with some dog food and a dish of water, and let the others live free).
If you want to attract more cockroaches, be sure to leave out food in dark spaces, like cupboards and under desks. Also, be sure the water pan under any refrigerators remains full -- never empty it: Cockroaches love to hang out under the refrigerator. If you are really desperate for more cockroaches, you can always catch a few elsewhere and then release them in your office. Within a few months, you'll have Cockroach City.
Also, in response to Jeff's comment about my slacking ways -- you're damn right! But of course, I'm in the credits and you aren't.... hahahahaahahahaha. Besides, I meant what I said about answering entomology questions -- see above. I am providing an educational service (and I am actually typing this with a straight face).
Dan Oppenheimer
*******************
ARIES: The uncertainty you fear may be what is necessary before you can ascend to greater heights. Ask yourself this: Why pay for a StairMaster when you live on the third floor of an apartment building?
TAURUS: Many of your emotional upsets can be traced to the odd solar patterns this month. Oh, those wacky planets.
GEMINI: It is your nature to be optimistic and to look for the best in people. A good yardstick for you might be to find out if they've been on America's Most Wanted or not.
CANCER: You may not be able to explain the reasons behind your decision, but since when do you have to? I mean, it's not like you owe anybody anything. After all, it IS your life, and what you choose to do with it is your business. And why are they meddling in your life, anyway? What business is it of theirs? Not that you should be totally paranoid or anything, but it's always a good idea to question people's motives when they start asking too many questions, if you catch my drift.
LEO: Deep down you know the tide has turned, but it may take awhile for your suspicions to subside. Think about getting that sweater dry-cleaned.
VIRGO: Find it within yourself to forgive those who may have unknowingly hurt you. A cute Band-Aid can work wonders for the ego, too. Like the ones with Bert and Ernie on them.
LIBRA: It is entirely possible that you have allowed an emotional matter to drag on too long. Tell Kato he simply cannot stay with you anymore.
SCORPIO: You have the talent, flair and ability to strike out on your own, but your insistence on playing it safe has held you down long enough. Get up, get down and boogie till you just can't boogie no more.
SAGITTARIUS: A helpful way to look at your situation is to realize you have the freedom to take what you like and leave the rest. That's what a buffet is all about.
CAPRICORN: Let fear take a backseat to adventure this month. In fact, while you're at it, clean out the whole car and stock the trunk with emergency supplies. You can never be too careful.
AQUARIUS: Your solar chart seems to indicate that you should stay in the background and not waste your energy. Bulk up on your favorite salty snacks instead.
PISCES: Ask yourself if you are willing to apply all of your energy to what you want to get done. Then explain to the person behind you that your horoscope told you to do that.
************************************************************
Editor, Writer, Saltine-Lover: Wendy Hall
Copyeditor, Scene-Stealer, Married Girl: Jennifer Konig
President of the Yoyonews Fan Club: Mike Ewing
Consulting Entomologist: Dan Oppenheimer
This issue of the Yoyodyne Entertainment News was sponsored by Malcolm's Meaty Cannoli. When it's gotta be cannoli and it's gotta have meat, it's gotta be Malcolm's!
Yoyodyne Entertainment News is published every Friday. To subscribe (it's FREE!) send e-mail to yoyonews@yoyo.com.
Send letters of thought-provoking quandary to editor@yoyo.com.
To get more information on Yoyodyne, or to find out about the spiffy games we're currently running, you can send e-mail to win@yoyo.com and/or newsfaq@yoyo.com.
If for any reason you would like to cancel your subscription to Yoyodyne Entertainment News, send e-mail to newsquit@yoyo.com.
Ta-daaaaa!
************************************************************