The View From Planet Kerth: Alexa, can you hear me now? Alexa … ?

I don’t have an Alexa living in my house, but I know several people who do, and whenever I visit them I always come away feeling a bit uncomfortable.

I recently went to a family barbecue at a house with an Alexa in the kitchen, and every time somebody asked Alexa a question, my cousin Rich bristled. “I don’t like those things,” he said. “I don’t want ‘The Man’ listening to everything I say.” And then he sat sphynx-like at the table, refusing to open his mouth as the rest of us chatted.

Alexa just sat and listened, her little lights glowing invitingly, despite Rich’s scowling at her whenever she did anybody’s bidding.

Unlike Rich, I don’t worry that a robot that spends all its time listening will whisper all my deepest, darkest secrets to The Man. I’m pretty sure my microwave has already done that. So, no, the fear of a robotic stool-pigeon is not the reason why my house is Alexa-free.

It’s just that every time I visit a friend’s house, I come away feeling sort of sorry for Alexa.

For example, recently I stopped in to visit a neighbor, and when I walked in, there was some nice music playing in the background. It was a bit too loud for conversation, though, so my neighbor said: “Alexa, turn down the music.”

But the music stayed loud. Probably because it was too loud for Alexa to hear my neighbor speak to her.

“Alexa!” he barked. “TURN DOWN THE MUSIC!!!”

The music softened, but I couldn’t concentrate on our conversation. I wanted to get up and go hold Alexa’s hand. Maybe apologize to her, tell her that he didn’t really mean to be so cross with her. He used the same chilling tone you might have heard from a plantation owner a couple of centuries ago, as if the slave was not a person, but property.

You might say that my neighbor can’t be accused of prejudice or bigotry since Alexa is only a robot. But when he barked at her I got that same feeling I get whenever my toast burns and I yell “Stupid toaster!” and then later realize that I had pushed the bagel-toasting button by mistake. I spend the whole morning apologizing all the way from breakfast through lunch, while that poor overheated toaster silently grows colder and colder.

And you know how heartbroken you feel whenever that happens. Been there, done that, right?

So I just haven’t been able to find it in my heart to enslave Alexa in my home and boss her around with my every whim. I’d rather just keep reaching out to pick up the remote if I want to turn down the music, as labor-intensive and exhausting as that can be.

OK, I’m a sensitive guy. So sue me.

But recently I read an article that changed my whole attitude about Alexa.

Because it turns out that Alexa is prejudiced against some of us, too. Which wouldn’t bother me so much, except that I might be one of the ones she’s prejudiced against. And that’s just wrong.

According to two research teams associated with the Washington Post, Alexa chooses not to understand certain people when they talk, especially if they have an accent. And not just an accent from some foreign country outside of America, but even Americans from certain accented parts of the country.

Alexa does just fine with the accents of folks from California and Washington — which coincidentally is where the offices of the tech giants are located. But when a Southerner speaks, Alexa is three percent less likely to respond accurately.

I can forgive Alexa for that three-percent failure rate. I have a pile of in-laws from Atlanta, and it’s a good day when I understand two-thirds of what comes out of their mouths. Alexa is doing just fine if she’s batting .970 with those Mason-Dixon Muggles.

But the shocking news is that Alexa fails to understand a Midwestern accent about two percent of the time. And that’s just wrong, because I was born and raised in the Midwest, and people like me speak American English as it was meant to be spoken. We have no accent at all. It’s everyone else, from everywhere else in the USA, who don’t talk right.

For the record, if you want to hear American English as it was meant to be spoken, just listen to actress Melissa McCarthy sometime. She speaks a perfect, accent-free American English.

And by complete coincidence, she grew up in the Chicago suburbs, just walking distance from where I grew up. And if Alexa decides that two percent of what comes out of Melissa McCarthy’s mouth (or mine) is gobbledygook, then I don’t think Alexa will be welcome in my house to snub whatever question I might ask in my perfectly un-accented American English.

Why would I invite a prejudiced robot into my home? After all, it’s hard enough having to deal with all the rigid, narrow-minded, regional American human beings walking around who haven’t learned how to talk right, not even recognizing how hard they make us un-accented Midwestern Americans work just to understand them.

My inconsiderate Atlanta in-laws make dinner-table conversation hard enough for me. I don’t have to put up with insensitivity like that from a robot.

Because, as I said, I’m a sensitive guy.

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The author splits his time between Southwest Florida and Chicago. Not every day, though. Contact him at trkerth@yahoo.com. Why wait a whole week for your next visit to Planet Kerth? Get T.R.'s book, 'Revenge of the Sardines,' available now at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other fine online book distributors.