To succeed as a father, share the sorrows and magnify the joys

Being a father has taught me some challenging lessons.

It has been, and remains, an education in its own right. I’m sure the same holds true for you mothers out there.

There are days when parenting compels you to take some long looks in the mirror. I could read you a litany of my miscues and shortcomings as a dad, but that wouldn’t help me learn from my past mistakes; just feel bad about them.

Nonetheless, over my three plus decades as a father and more as a psychotherapist, I’ve pondered what it means to be a good parent. The main tenets seem simple. Their execution can prove far more complex.

The first of these reflects a Swedish proverb: “Shared sorrow is half sorrow, and shared joy is double joy.” First, a parent needs to be present and positively engaged with a child. Not easy in our frenetic, techno-saturated, distracted culture.

Think of two circles, one representing you and the other your child. Early in a kid’s life, these circles should overlap to a large extent. They’ll separate more later, as they should.

When a child is troubled, the parent who joins him or her in that arduous space has the best chance of assuaging the young one’s distress and providing a safe emotional haven. Children must face their demons, and a parent’s engaged presence affords a measure of courage that helps them do so.

Inversely, by celebrating a child’s good times, a mother or father magnifies the positive vibes, helping create optimism and confidence. Don’t ignore or dampen a son or daughter’s hopes and joys. They can be hard to come by.

This connects with the next parenting tenet, which is the need to see one’s child as a unique individual, not a clone of mom or dad. It’s hard enough for a youngster to discover her or his true nature and life calling without a parent pushing an alternate version. We are there to nurture, not force feed.

Another precept is kindness, which includes empathy, respectful discipline and forgiveness. That doesn’t mean anything goes. It does mean distinguishing between the child’s essential worth and his or her problematic behavior.

The personhood of one’s daughter or son warrants unequivocal love. The same benefit does not accrue to all of her or his actions. The adage is, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.” It’s an oldie but a goodie.

Finally, there is role modeling. Our children observe us intently and pick up more than their share of nuances. Setting a high, but not perfect standard and teaching by example are among parenting’s greatest powers.

All these practices together do not guarantee a positive outcome. We all know parents who have displayed these attributes yet endured a train wreck of a kid.

While I never suffered that fate, during a rough patch with my teenage son I asked him if he’d ever been a 16-year old before. “Of course not,” he replied, and I said, “Well, I’ve never been the father of a 16-year old before either, so maybe we can help each other out and do our best to get along.”

I guess that’s the last thing being a parent teaches us.

Humility.

Philip Chard is a psychotherapist, author and trainer. Email Chard at outofmymind@philipchard.com or visit philipchard.com.