Woodling: Aggressive sister's visit causes anxiety
Q: I have a sister who is 5 years older than me. We have had a conflicted relationship for as long as I can remember. She is very verbally aggressive and has a dominating presence while I tend to be more passive.
When I speak up it always ends in a big fight where we go sometimes months without speaking. She lives out of state and is planning on visiting at the end of the month.
She will be staying at my house, which always gives me major anxiety. My sister will criticize everything from my weight, parenting style, how I decorate my house… you name it.
I know my sister has insecurities and is jealous about many aspects of my life. I can ignore her negative behavior for the most part, but by the end of the visit I am usually out of patience. What can I do to ensure this visit goes smoothly?
A: The anxiety you are experiencing is a sign that you feel a loss of control. How your sister chooses to behave is not in your control. For this reason, ensuring a smooth visit is not in your control.
The good news is, you are in control of how you respond to your sister and can choose to establish healthy boundaries. Shifting your focus to the parts of this situation that you have control over helps to decrease anxiety.
When you take the approach of ignoring your sister’s hurtful comments, you are not communicating your feelings, needs, expectations and boundaries.
This approach puts you in a position to have your needs neglected and eventually feel depleted of the love and patience you would like to give in the relationship. You are human and can only handle being emotionally neglected for so long before you reach a boiling point and become aggressive back, or possibly passive aggressive.
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It’s a vicious cycle passive communicators find themselves caught in.
Your responsibility in breaking this negative communication cycle is to be consistently assertive. If your sister says something hurtful to you, speaking up about how her comment effected you gives her an opportunity to either nurture that feeling.
Using “I statements” is a good tool for this type of communication. For example, “I feel hurt when you make comments about my weight.”
You can follow that up by expressing specifically what you need. For example, “What I need from you is to show me support and love by focusing on my strengths rather than putting me down.”
You want to communicate this in a calm and confident manner using a relaxed tone of voice and body posture.
The scary part about communicating assertively is how your sister may respond. We hope she would be receptive and willing to consider your feelings and needs.
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However, if she chooses to be neglectful in supporting you, that may be your cue it is time to set boundaries. The more she chooses to be disrespectful despite your efforts to express your feelings, the thicker the boundary must get to protect you emotionally.
This may include not engaging in an argument, stop participating in the current activity, and possibly no longer welcoming her into your home.
I think its fair to give your sister the chance to meet your needs and understand it may take her a little time to adjust to your new assertive approach. However, you have a responsibility to teach people how to treat you.
Only you can uphold those expectations and protect yourself emotionally from an unhealthy relationship. It’s difficult when it involves family, but sometimes it is necessary.
If you have a question related to emotional well-being that you would like to submit for consideration to be posted and answered in this column, you may email your inquiries to contact@pamperyourmind.com.
Kristin Woodling is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Chief Executive Officer of Pamper Your Mind LLC in Satellite Beach. Details about the practice and services provided can be found at pamperyourmind.com.