'Am I OK?' a question to answer from the inside

As you might expect, those in my line of work often hear the question, “Am I normal?”

      Folks beset with emotional or interpersonal problems (most of us at some point) frequently end up wondering whether they are off kilter in a psychological sense.  Now, this sort of self-examination is not typical of those who blame others or external circumstances for their distress or dysfunction and embrace the attitude of ‘I’m OK and you’re a mess.”

      But for the rest of us, there are several approaches to answering the “Am I OK?” question.  The one widely embraced in traditional mental health circles is to look at symptoms.  If a person has a certain set of psychological and behavioral indicators, they often hear themselves defined as “not normal” via a formal diagnosis — clinical depression, anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, etc.

      Once so labeled, it’s common to feel like one is defective and in need of fixing.  And it’s not unusual for such people to think of themselves as different in a bad way and for this notion (“I’m weird”) to take up residence in their identity.

      Another approach to answering the normal/abnormal question is the comparison game, and you don’t need a mental health professional to go this route.  When we feel out of sorts, it’s common to compare ourselves to others in our midst who, on the surface, seem just peachy. 

      As you might expect, this often creates a “me-them” mindset that leaves one feeling estranged from all the seemingly OK people in one’s social environment.  For many of us, feeling normal involves belonging to one’s tribe, so to speak, meaning conforming to familial and social definitions of normalcy.  Absent that, it’s a short mental hop to “I’m strange somehow.”

      Of course, there are those who prefer to think of themselves as abnormal, sometimes wearing this as a badge of distinction.  As one remarked to me, “What’s so great about being normal?”  It’s a valid question.  After all, just because certain behaviors or lifestyles are common doesn’t mean they’re normal (healthy, fulfilling, etc.).

      In the past, many of these folks were cast out, in a manner of speaking, from family or community and made to feel as “other” rather than “us.”  Rather than turning on themselves (“What’s wrong with me?”), they turn on their detractors (“I don’t want to be like you”).

      If there is a litmus test for being normal, it likely resides in how our feelings and behaviors either help or hurt us as we strive to navigate existence. Someone living a normal looking life may be utterly miserable, while another who operates outside the lines in a quirky or eccentric fashion could feel fulfilled and satisfied.

      If one’s mental state and behaviors undermine inner well-being and disrupt one’s life satisfaction, that’s abnormal and warrants some intervention.  But if who you are merely makes others uncomfortable or fails to conform to their expectations, it may be the relationship itself that is abnormal, rather than you.

      Normal is not based on sameness or conformity.

      It’s about being OK inside one’s own life.

Philip Chard is a psychotherapist, author and trainer. Email Chard at outofmymind@philipchard.com or visit philipchard.com.