Brent Batten: May the sales force be with you as latest 'Star Wars' film opens

Unless you’ve been living in a galaxy far, far away, you know that “Star Wars: The Last Jedi” opens in theaters Thursday.

The premiere of the ninth installment of the "Star Wars" saga is turning into an event bigger than a weekend on Jabba the Hutt’s party barge.

Which, come to think of it, would make a good product.

Outfit a pontoon boat with sunshades, deck guns, a band, a plank to walk, some prisoners to feed to the sarlacc and boom, you’ve got a tie-in.

Which, as crazy as it sounds, wouldn’t be the worst product alignment to come out of the "Star Wars" series.

Every time a new installment premieres, we’re bombarded with product promotions attempting to latch onto the brand’s popularity.

At first it was innocent enough. Toys such as light sabers and Luke Skywalker action figures marketed to kids.

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But during the 40-year run of the franchise, marketers have gotten more sophisticated, or maybe more cunning, and branched out into other areas.

You can buy clothing, food, luggage, office supplies, pet products, automotive accessories, kitchen utensils, hygiene items, musical instruments and more under the "Star Wars" brand.

It’s no coincidence that the opening of “The Last Jedi” coincides with the Christmas shopping season.

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Consider that for generations at this time of the television advertising year, an adorable animated Santa would ride a Norelco shaver down a snowy slope. “Even our name says, ‘Merry Christmas,”’ then the narrator would intone as N-O-E-L was highlighted on the screen.

It was a tradition as dear as “A Charlie Brown Christmas” or “Rudolph.” The perfect ad for the perfect gift for dad.

But this year, Norelco has eschewed Santa for its “Star Wars Shaver.” It looks to be the same three-headed electric shaver the company has been hawking since the days of Burl Ives, only with a couple of mysterious symbols replacing “on” and “off.”

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The manufacturer boasts, “Join the resistance against pulling with a V-Track PRO blade system to battle up to 3-day stubble.”

To paraphrase the earlier commercials, “Even our name says N-O.”

Here are some other "Star Wars" brand products with tenuous ties to anything having to do with the story or characters of one of filmdom’s strongest franchises:

For $70, you can own a “Star Wars: The Last Jedi” handbag. The black bag is like any other purse except on the side, large gold letters spell out “Rule the Galaxy.” Promoters add, “And rule it in style. This black crossbody handbag from Loungefly and Star Wars has a golden verbiage plaque on the flap, interior ship printed lining, interior center zip pocket, and a removable strap.”

I can’t wait for the scene in the movie when Rey goes shopping in downtown Mos Eisley with her trendy new bag.

Remember in “The Empire Strikes Back” when Luke had to sleep in the steaming entrails of a slain tauntaun to avoid freezing to death on the ice planet Hoth? Well, now you can own a child’s slain tauntaun sleeping bag, complete with intestines printed on the inside lining. Pleasant dreams, little one.

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Part of the charm of the "Star Wars" series is that it studiously avoids anything that could be considered bathroom humor. But the marketers aren’t nearly as scrupulous in exploiting the "Star Wars" logo. Past product offerings include "Star Wars" toilet paper, "Star Wars" adult diapers, "Star Wars" barf bags (on airplanes and, one presumes, TIE fighters) and a Yoda version of the classic Magic 8 Ball in which one learns the answers to eternal questions by turning Yoda upside down and peering into his posterior. (Unseemly, it is.)

"Star Wars" products have ranged from as unsubstantial as an empty box (unable to keep up with demand, a toy maker promised to send action figures along later) to as substantial as a new car (Nissan sold a special edition of its Rogue line to coincide with the release of “Star Wars: Rogue One” in 2016).

With all this "Star Wars" merchandise out there, a true fan would need a suitcase to carry it all. Not to worry, there’s a full-size Kylo Ren suitcase from American Tourister for only $150. Ideal for that trip to a galaxy far, far away.