I departed yesterday for Vegas and the annual AAPEX show. The trip was going perfectly until the Chicken Marsala, that I ordered, arrived to my tray table. It was accompanied by some sort of cold, mushy “Greek Style” salad. Now I have had Greek Salad hundreds of times in my life, none of which left me wanting to jump to my death.

I immediately asked the very nice flight attendant, aka my nurse, for something, anything, to rid my mouth of the poison I had just ingested. Jack Daniels is my go to liquor for American Airlines flights. I was horrified as she told me, “Sorry Mr. Captain, but we are out of Jack Daniels, but we do have the new Jim Beam, Devils Cut”. As the words rolled off her lips, I felt the toxins slowly taking control of my mental and physical acuteness. I had to act quickly and besides, what were my options really? “Sure, that would be great!”

As I put the Devil to my lips, it instantly both cured my ails, and warmed my body, like a 90 Proof liquid morphine drip. I sat there, trying not to look at my plate, thinking to myself, who would you rather drink with on a trip to Vegas, an old guy named Jack or The Devil?