‘I knew what the cost would be’: Why sexual assault victims stay silent

Rachael Denhollander was the first to publicly say, "It happened to me."

She was the first woman to speak out against what she sees as USA Gymnastics' cover-up of sexual abuse by longtime team doctor and former Michigan State University faculty member Larry Nassar.

About 140 women joined her in accusing Nassar of sexual assault, often during medical treatment. Most recently, Olympic gold medalist McKayla Maroney said she had been sexually abused by Nassar starting when she was 13: "I had a dream to go to the Olympics," Maroney wrote on Twitter this week, "and the things I had to endure to get there, were unnecessary, and disgusting."

In July, Nassar pleaded guilty to federal child pornography charges, and faces 22 to 27 years in prison when he’s sentenced Dec. 7. He still faces 33 charges of criminal sexual conduct in Michigan.

Women are bringing sweeping attention to the prevalence of sexual assault with the social media movement #MeToo, showing just how ingrained male harassment of women — and even young girls — is in society. It follows a wave of Hollywood stars coming forward with sexual assault allegations against film executive Harvey Weinstein.

Denhollander, 32, spoke by phone Wednesday with IndyStar about why #MeToo is both empowering and heartbreaking, why victims of all ages feel as if they can't speak out, and what it will take to change the culture.

A gag order prohibits her from speaking about the criminal case against Nassar, but she and dozens of other women are pursuing civil lawsuits against him.

More than a year after her story came out in the IndyStar investigation, "Out of Balance," she said she feels like people are finally listening to her.

IndyStar investigation:A blind eye to sex abuse: How USA Gymnastics failed to report cases

Former USA Gymnastics doctor accused of abuse

IndyStar investigation leads to U.S. House passing sexual abuse legislation

Olympic official: We failed young athletes

Question: What's it like for you to read women's stories about #MeToo?

Answer: Oh, man. It's heartbreaking. Because it is a culturewide problem. There's no segment of society that's immune.

What stood out most to me was: Why is it such a big deal that all these women are speaking out? Well, it's because they've been silenced for so long.

The #MeToo movement is unique because women are finally speaking up about what they go through every day. So we need to ask the question of, "Why are we making it so hard for women to speak out? Why didn't we listen the first time?"

I thought (screenwriter) Scott Rosenberg's piece (on Facebook, about the Harvey Weinstein scandal) was just phenomenal. It was someone who finally took responsibility: We could've known. We knew what was going on. We like the benefits too much to care about what was being done to the women around us. That was the first time I'd ever seen a man take responsibility for that.

That's really what I'd hoped to see from USAG and MSU. Abuse happens. Predators happen. And we shouldn't be shocked it happens. Where the rubber meets the road is what our response is when abuse happens.

Both those organizations had an opportunity to stand up and demonstrate true leadership. To say, we recognize the damage that we did, we recognize the responsibility that we have, we recognize the dynamics we put in place to let this happen to little girls for 30 years.

Instead, they closed ranks. They vilified the victims. They refused to take responsibility. If you can't acknowledge what you did wrong, don't pretend you understand what you can do to change. Change starts with recognizing what you could do differently.

So I think the #MeToo campaign is a phenomenal beginning for women and victims to be able to regain their voice. But I grieve that it had to be done this way. I grieve that it's such a big deal that they got to speak out. And I grieve that they're largely standing alone.

Q: What do you think it would have meant to you to have the #MeToo movement when you came out about being abused?

A: Those first few weeks and months waiting to see if anyone else was going to speak up was absolutely hellish. Within 24 hours, Nassar knew that I'd come forward. And I was alone. That was really scary.

In the first few weeks until the child porn was found, the things that were said about me, the things that were said about Jamie (Dantzscher), who was anonymous at the time, were really quite vile. And it demonstrated perfectly why these victims were silent.

I was not surprised. I knew what the cost would be.

With Harvey Weinstein, people are asking, why didn't these women speak up earlier? The process you have to go through is so revictimizing. Then, society as a whole has really turned against you for speaking up. Victims know they're going to be vilified. Their character is going to come under attack immediately.

So to place the blame on victims — the victims of Harvey Weinstein, the victims of Larry — for not speaking up earlier is misplaced blame. I couldn't stop Larry Nassar, not by myself, not without anyone listening. And neither could any of these girls. There were people who could have, but didn't.

More:McKayla Maroney accused him of sexual assault. Here's what other gymnasts say about Dr. Larry Nassar

Q: You've said you decided to speak out about your sexual abuse after reading IndyStar's first investigative piece about USA Gymnastics. How did you make that decision, personally?

A: It has always been something I've been willing to do. The issue was I never saw hope. And the last thing I wanted to do was come forward and be unsuccessful, and to let Larry know that he was in power to continue and that he couldn't be caught.

The more times a victim speaks up and they're silenced, the more empowered abusers become.

It wasn't so much a brand-new idea as it was that there was finally a chance. I finally saw a chance. And the tiniest chance was worth the risk.

Q: You had tried to tell people about the abuse before, including when you were working with young gymnasts. What kinds of reactions would you get when you tried to speak up?

A: The response I got was not malicious, but it was very unintentionally damaging. When I spoke out, the response I received was that they were going to continue to send girls to Larry. They couldn't find any record of complaints against him or any questions at all about what he was doing. And I was warned for my own sake to keep quiet.

At that point, my thought process was: If I can't even get a friend to take this seriously, if I can't even stop a friend of mine from sending little girls to someone I said is a sexual abuser, there is nobody who is going to believe me. There was nothing I could do.

Q: What was it like for you after the IndyStar investigation came out?

A: It was very painful for those details to come out, and to come out so publicly. That was very difficult, and that's still something I wrestle with.

I was very grateful for all the women who came forward, so we weren't standing alone anymore. And it was also really heartbreaking to have confirmed how widespread the abuse was.

(Some of the victims) said, "I did tell someone. I told them in '99, in 2000, in 2004." That was really painful, because it re-emphasized to me that I was right.

Q: Has speaking out changed you, or changed the way you cope with what happened?

A: Yes and no. I've really had to re-go through a healing process. I'm really still in that process, to be honest. I'd reached a good place in healing before this.

In order to stop him, I've had to release every shred of privacy and dignity I've ever had. There's nothing that's off-limits. There are videos and images and pictures of me, graphic images, that nobody was supposed to have. I really wrestle with that. I hate that I was put in that position. It increases the damage exponentially, and that wasn't necessary. Had MSU and USAG been doing what they should have, this wouldn't be necessary.

There's another aspect of the #MeToo campagin: These victims should have the choice to share only with the people they want to share with and heal privately. They shouldn't have to take to Twitter and disclose to the public at large to be taken seriously. They should've been protected long before it got to that point. That's not just on the abuser. That's on the enablers, too.

Q: What has it been like talking to other sexual assault victims?

A: There have been very, very few victims of Larry's that I've had any contact with whatsoever. And if I did, we steered clear of details because we still have a battle to fight. We want to be very careful not to open ourselves up to accusations of collaboration. And that's been very painful, too, because I really care about these women, and there's not a lot on a practical level that I can do to help them. We're not able to talk together and grieve together. I hope that day will come, I really do, but right now we're still bearing the costs.

Q: What was it like to testify against Nassar during a hearing?

A: It's a really difficult experience. It's extremely painful. You have to make the choice again to release details that no one was supposed to know. You have to relate graphic explanations in front of the person who did that to you, knowing he shares the same memories. I really feel that's a significant revictimization, but it's necessary. It's one more dimension where you see victims having to bear the cost that goes far beyond the initial round of abuse. There is a cost of speaking out. There is a cost of stopping your abuser. The great weight of that falls on the victim.

I think it's very important for victims to remember where the shame belongs and to take every opportunity to put the shame back where it belongs. It belongs with the abuser, and the abuser only.

Q: Do you feel like you have any sense of closure?

A: The biggest thing for me is knowing he's not going to have access to little girls again.

My hope with the discussion that it's generated is maybe this time we will make some serious societal changes.

Q: What do you think it will take to make those societal changes?

A: People need to be willing to speak out within their own communities. You will find very few people who won't pay lip service to how horrific sexual assault is. But when it is someone in their community who is accused of doing it or enabling it, all of a sudden, "Well, that's different."

Everyone says they support what I'm doing. But when I start talking about their community, "Well, that's different." I've been told to shut up when talking about Joe Paterno. I've been told all kinds of things when talking about the Catholic Church or evangelical cover-ups. Everyone is willing to talk about it when it's Donald Trump, but not when it's Bill Clinton. Or the other side, everyone is willing to talk about it when it's Bill Clinton, but not Donald Trump.

They feel there's an exception to the rule. Everyone is willing to care until it costs them something. But then we're never going to reach a point of change.

Q: Looking back more than a year later since the IndyStar investigation came out, what are some of the things you are thinking about?

A: I'm really grateful for where we are. I'm grateful that someone finally listened. I'm grateful for the progress that's been made. I'm mildly hopeful that actual change might come.

But I'm also really grieved because it's a year later, and still no responsibility has been taken. This is what we need to do better.

Call IndyStar reporter Stephanie Wang at (317) 444-6184. Follow her on Twitter: @stephaniewang.