Abandon hope all ye who click here

If you're reading this column, you're probably pretty miserable. (You're only one sentence in — trust me, it gets worse.)

You see, if you clicked on this article or picked up a newspaper to read it, you are most likely someone who follows politics. You're plugged in. You need information to make sense of the world.

But statistically, you're also more likely to be unhappy than someone who doesn't follow the news at all.  According to a data dive earlier this year by American Enterprise Institute president Arthur C. Brooks, people who were “very interested in politics” were about eight percentage points more likely to report they were "not too happy" about life. And the data Brooks used was from 2014 — well before Hurricane Donald sent everyone scurrying to their partisan bunkers.

Other data further illuminate the dyspepsia of the plugged-in. According to a March 2016 Gallup poll, only 30% of Republicans thought the election process was working as it should; by a two-to-one margin, American citizens think the country is headed in the wrong direction. President Donald Trump's approval ratings are gasping to stay above 40%, while the only way for Congress to improve their reputation might be to sign Colin Kaepernick.

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That's why in 2017, it makes sense that those glued to politics are less happy; the entire system is now set up to belittle and degrade those with differing opinions, and the incentives are greatest for the inveterately obnoxious. The president is just as likely to name a pan of lasagna to a federal appeals court as he is to broker a budget deal, leaving the average political observer scrolling through Maggie Haberman's Twitter feed with their phone in one hand and a cyanide pill in the other. (And if you nodded at that observation, you are, by definition, addicted to politics.)

As always, social media is to blame for much of our misery. The online world is a constant pageant of the theatrically aggrieved, pummeling the insufficiently enlightened with humiliation and mockery. Even the First Lady of the United States can't volunteer to help hurricane victims without subjecting herself to ridicule for wearing high heels while boarding her plane to Texas. (One soul-deadening Washington Post column accused Trump of serving up "a fashion moment instead of an expression of empathy.")

Do you support Congress deciding America's policy for undocumented children brought to America by their parents, rather than the president unilaterally making the decision? According to New York Times columnist Charles Blow, you are complicit in "the end of unity" and the "rise of factions and fascism." Are you an unironic Taylor Swift fan? Shame on you, as the pop singer is evidently "an embodiment of Trump culture." Do you want to pay tribute to a deceased friend, as comedian Steve Martin did for actress Carrie Fisher, by calling her "beautiful?" You are a "sexist" and will be shamed into a public apology.

It's the guiding principle of political discussions in 2017: Nobody gets out of here until we're all miserable.

Of course, there are deeper reasons as to why the politically engaged might be less fulfilled than the blissfully unaware. As Brooks notes, knowledge of government workings imbue citizens with hopes for what elected officials can do for them — hopes that are rarely met satisfactorily.

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Faith in government and politics robs people of their personal agency, as they wait for lawmakers to fix the economy or turn down the thermostat on the earth or make sure their kids are getting a better education. (This is why, as Brooks has also written, conservatives tend to be happier than liberals — they accept that their happiness is in their own hands, rather than in a compassionate government.)

It may be counter-intuitive to suggest that we all might be happier if we all knew less; but all we're currently learning is that the best way to make yourself look better is to demagogue others, as if virtue is a zero-sum game. We should all take a time out, walk outside, and talk to our kids and neighbors. Just pretend there's a solar eclipse every day. 

(Just make sure you eventually come back inside and read some more political columns, to counteract any fleeting joy you may have just felt.)

Christian Schneider is a member of USA TODAY's Board of Contributors. Follow him on Twitter @Schneider_CM

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