Brent Batten: Latter day Welcome Wagon offers a warm — make that a hot — welcome for O.J. Simpson

In a bygone era, when you moved into town the Welcome Wagon would pay a visit, with a hostess to hand out gifts and make you feel at home in your new neighborhood.

Of course, also in a bygone era, when you committed crimes you were reviled and sent to prison for life, not made a reality TV star and sought-after selfie subject.

But that bygone era is, well, bygone, so as the possibility that O.J. Simpson might move to Naples looms ever larger, it is left to a new organization — The United Neapolitans Welcome Wagon, or UNWelcome Wagon for short — to roll out the red carpet to greet the former NFL star, should he decide to make this his home.

Given his history though, a welcoming letter might include a few subtle suggestions that perhaps he would be happier elsewhere:

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Dear Mr. Simpson,

We understand you are considering a move to our lovely town of Naples, Florida.

As you know, Naples is a beautiful spot situated on the west coast of the Florida peninsula, which is extremely prone to hurricanes. Don’t let the fact that Naples hasn't been hit head-on by a major storm (Wilma struck closer to Marco Island in 2005) in more than 50 years fool you. We’re overdue.

Among its many attributes, Naples is blessed by a tropical climate that means mild winters with temperatures typically in the 70s and 80s. And brutally hot, humid summers with frequent, violent thunderstorms and torrential downpours.

Our town is known for the pristine environment surrounding it, including the wonders of Everglades National Park, which is just a big swamp when you think about it, and the Big Cypress National Preserve, another big swamp, only with more trees.

You’ll enjoy the opportunity to experience abundant wildlife including bears, which get into your garbage bins every week on trash day; panthers, which you’ll never see; alligators — you’ve read about the recent spate of alligator attacks, right? — and mosquitoes. Boy, are there mosquitoes.

Be careful not to disturb any of the many endangered species you’ll find here. That would constitute a probation violation, and we wouldn’t want that.

Rest assured, Collier County is a safe community with a low crime rate. Our law enforcement agencies and prosecutors are highly competent and rarely mishandle evidence or make disastrous errors in courtroom strategy. Our judges don’t allow trials to turn into circuses, so justice will not be made a mockery of here.

Leisure opportunities abound in Naples and Collier County.

We understand you’re an avid golfer, so be advised Naples is sometimes referred to as the Golf Capital of the World because it has so many courses. Most of them are private, mind you, and nonmembers can get on only in the aforementioned brutally hot summer. The ones that are open to public play in season charge greens fees that are sky-high, especially if you have other financial obligations, such as a large civil court judgment against you.

To be honest, if you’re big onto golf, Myrtle Beach is probably the better choice.

As an athlete, you’ll appreciate Southwest Florida’s status as a sports tourism mecca. We have spring training baseball — glorified practice, really — just up in the road in Lee County. Then again, if you’re going to pay $8 for beer, why not do it someplace where the games count, like Miami or Tampa?

There’s the U.S. Pickleball Open. Try as we might, it’s hard to take a sport named pickleball seriously.

Youth sports are a big draw and local teams are always looking for experienced volunteers to serve as coaches, although coaches have to pass a background check so …

Many Collier County residents enjoy shopping on Fifth Avenue South, Third Street South and Mercato, to name a few destinations. As nice as they are, though, none of them measures up to Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. You’re familiar with that area, right? Lots of nice places to live out there. Brentwood, Encino, Laguna Hills. We understand you’ve ridden around the neighborhood. Slowly. In a white Bronco.

Do you like the beach? Naples and Collier County are world famous for their beaches.

A couple of them, Barefoot Beach and Delnor-Wiggins Pass State Park, made Dr. Beach’s list of top 10 beaches nationally in 2015.

Just so you know, Siesta Beach right up the road in Sarasota topped this year’s list. None of ours made the cut in 2017. Trending downward, one supposes.

Do you like to eat?

Naples has many fine-dining establishments featuring rich, exotic fare from around the globe. Of course, if one has been eating mostly bland food, a prison diet for instance, it might be best to steer clear of such establishments for a while.

These are just a few of the factors we hope you’ll consider when deciding where to live.

We here at the UNWelcome Wagon hope you will find the information useful.

If you have any further questions, feel free to call us at 1-800-GOHAWAII.

Connect with Brent Batten at brent.batten@naplesnews.com, on Twitter @NDN_BrentBatten and at facebook.com/ndnbrentbatten.