Carolyn Hax: Dealing with Dad's dementia and new nasty streak

Adapted from a recent online discussion:

Carolyn: My father is in the early stages of dementia, and his controlling and critical side has turned into him just being mean. If my mother weren't alive I don't know how much of a relationship with him I'd have, but I am committed to staying close to my mother and making sure he's safe and cared for, regardless. I see them regularly and we talk on the phone.

It's getting harder to shrug off my father's nastiness, especially because it's not directed at me — just the whole universe, and sometimes my mother, who actually deals with it very well. I'm afraid I'm going to burn out and leave my mother alone to deal with a man who's increasingly unpleasant. My other siblings live far away. Any thoughts?

—Big Meanie's Child

Child: There's an excellent "This American Life" segment — among other resources on the topic — on "meeting patients where they are," as in, not trying to talk them out of incorrect notions, but instead joining them in the conversations they want to have and redirecting as needed from there. Go to Act 2, about 27 minutes in: bit.ly/TALdementia. Learning not to antagonize him could be a game-changer.

Please also avail yourself of expert help for families and caregivers dealing with a loved one's dementia. Your dad's doctor can steer you to local organizations and support groups, as can a geriatric social worker or local hospice.

And read "Being Mortal," by Atul Gawande. It's an important work about care that serves patients' needs instead of just assuaging loved ones' fears. A real eye-opener.

Re: Dad with Dementia: People with early dementia know their memory is failing. It's the worst part of the beginning stage. If your dad was never verbally abusive but now is, it may be frustration and fear talking.

Also, dementia is not a normal part of aging. There are so many medications out there that can help, so please get a second opinion. Some docs still assume it's a normal part of aging and write the patient off, so advocate for your dad, if you can.

—Anonymous

Carolyn: What are some kind ways to respond to a divorce announcement from (good but not close) friends? For us it was totally a surprise, but it seems rude to point out that it wasn't obvious they were having trouble.

—Seeking a Kind Response

Response: There's no need to respond with your opinion at all, since divorce makes for vulnerable people, and people who feel vulnerable often mistake any opinion for judgment or pushback. "Thanks for letting me know, and I'm sorry — this must be tough on you both." Then listen. If appropriate, say it doesn't change how you view your friendship, and offer a sympathetic ear.

Re: Divorce: I wouldn't even say "I'm sorry." Sometimes divorce is a relief. "I hope you're doing OK" is my default.

—Divorced Person

Divorced Person: That is better, thanks — but I hesitate to endorse such narrow parameters for saying the "right" thing in response to someone's news. A lot of support gets withheld out of fear of awkwardness and misspeaking, so bigger targets do help. Plus, even a welcome divorce must have been difficult at some stage, or else the marriage would still be intact.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Washington Post Writers Group