Carolyn Hax: Mother-in-law overstays her welcome

Adapted from a recent online discussion:

Carolyn: My mother-in-law and her husband used to come to the city where my husband and I live about every other month, stay in a hotel, visit friends, and spend time with us. Just before the holidays last year, her husband left her, and we invited her to stay at our apartment for a weekend (we live in a small apartment that has reasonable guest accommodations for a single person, but not a couple). My husband was hesitant to do this, but I convinced him it was the right thing to do. It wasn't. She extended her one night stay to three without asking (just telling us what her tickets were). She walked into our bedroom while we were in bed at 7:00 one morning, and generally didn't respect our time or space. When we left we agreed that having her stay with us was a bad idea. In the almost-six months since then, she has asked to stay with us again quite a few times. My husband has responded to every single request by saying that we will be out of town (we travel a lot, this is often true but not always true). My question is, how can we reset things so that we can see her when she visits our city but she stays in a hotel (she can certainly afford it, though unfortunately there are none in our neighborhood)? We have gone to see her since this visit, but I feel terrible that we are actually seeing her less while she is dealing with her divorce. I would honestly be OK with having her stay with us for one night (and locking the bedroom door), but based on last time, I don't think she will respect that boundary.

— If You Give a Mouse a Cookie

Give a Mouse a Cookie: Some form of the truth has to be better than the dodging, because dodging means you don't see her.

Whether the truth you tell is that you and your husband have decided you aren't comfortable having guests in your small apartment after all, or that you were fine with one night but three was a strain and you'd like for her to be in town for more than a night, or that, geez, Ma, you walked in on us at 7 a.m. without knocking!, your husband just needs to tell her you'd love for her to visit but you're going back to the hotel arrangement, "Thanks so much for understanding."

Re: Mouse Cookies: If you can afford a vacation with your mother-in-law not at your house (in other words, a hotel, cruise, resort, etc.), then organize it. This keeps her out of your space and allows all involved some autonomy.

— Anonymous

Anonymous: It's an elegant solution, thanks. Realistically it probably works for only one visit a year, not only because it's expensive but also because she'll eventually notice she's never invited to your home — but as a way to relieve the pressure on you to host, it can be effective and generous both.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com

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