Trying to control anger by focusing on angry thoughts and hurt feelings is like fanning the flames. It's far more effective to pretent you're a fly on the wall of a situation, new research confirms. In situations that trigger anger, you probably tend to focus on your anger and hurt, trying to understand it, get the other person to see what they've done, perhaps even wallowing in it a bit, self-righteously. You allow yourself to be immersed in it. But it's a trap.

Control anger during conflict like a fly on the wall was written by Tammy Lenski and originated at Lenski.com.

Knowing your conflict hooks and how to handle them is like having a conflict resolution magic wand: You have portable power to turn the little conflicts into nothing and the bigger conflicts into manageable ones. We had just moved from the Burlington, Vermont area to a small town in New Hampshire. The move had been a whirlwind, our Vermont house selling in a matter of days, far faster than we anticipated, and resulting in a new house purchased in a day, a moving van scheduled in a narrow window, and a mad rush to sift and pack a lifetime of belongings. The day after we moved...

Your conflict resolution magic wand was written by Tammy Lenski and originated at Lenski.com.

A friend was sitting at her desk, her beloved lab at her feet. Suddenly, the dog yelped and looked up at her. This happened several more times, the dog's gaze becoming increasingly more accusatory. Finally, he got up and left the room. Later, she learned...

Conflict pain and the dog beneath the desk was written by Tammy Lenski and originated at Lenski.com.

How do you decide how much of a relationship conflict's flotsam is worth pursuing? How do you focus on the important matters in a relationship conflict and not get sidetracked by trivial ones? Janet, a reader, contacted me about my recent post, Starting a Difficult Conversation. She asked,

5 effective ways to focus on what’s important in relationship conflict was written by Tammy Lenski and originated at Lenski.com.

Being exposed to arguments between parents is associated with the way babies' brains process emotional tone of voice, according to a new study to be published in Psychological Science. "The researchers found that infants from high conflict homes showed greater reactivity to...

Parental conflict linked to infant brain function was written by Tammy Lenski and originated at Lenski.com.

Starting a difficult conversation (or negotiation or mediation) can feel like opening Fibber McGee's closet -- chaotic, overwhelming, and hope-sucking. But don't run. A colleague shared the closet metaphor with me years ago and I've passed it along to countless others since. The messy, over-filled hall closet was a running gag on the 1930s-1950s radio show. Chaos ensued whenever someone opened the closet door and the contents spilled out (click here to listen to the closet door being opened...go ahead, I'll wait). When you start a difficult conversation...

Starting a difficult conversation was written by Tammy Lenski and originated at Lenski.com.

Google Reader is shutting down (details here). If you follow my posts with Reader, you won't receive anything from me anymore and I'd be sad about that (sniffle sniffle). To continue receiving posts from me, you can:

• Try one of the Google Reader alternatives like feedly (I'm liking feedly so far).
• Sign up to get my posts by email.

You’re invited… was written by Tammy Lenski and originated at Lenski.com.

I'll be in Fayetteville and Little Rock, Arkansas in April to teach full-day special topics seminars for the Arkansas Conflict Resolution Association. If you're a mediator in the region, I'd love to meet you in person at one of these two mediation training seminars! Both seminars have already been approved for Arkansas CLE/CME credits (including ethics), you can attend even if you're not an ACRA member, and earlybird registration rates are good for a few more days. Both mediation training seminars are suitable for both new and advanced practitioners and both are also suitable for conflict management coaches and other ADR professionals. Registration and information links are at the bottom of this post.

Special topics mediation training in Arkansas was written by Tammy Lenski and originated at Lenski.com.

People under stress start paying more attention to positive information and discounting negative information associated with the decision, say researchers. Important implications for negotiation and mediation, if the outcome desired is hoped to stand the test of time.

Stress changes how people make decisions was written by Tammy Lenski and originated at Lenski.com.

My friend, There are some things I want to say about mediation with me, things I hope you'll ponder before we gather, things I hope can guide you as we talk. I may mention them a time or two during our time together.

A loving letter to my mediation clients was written by Tammy Lenski and originated at Lenski.com.