Friends, I am so excited.

Summer usually means business slows down a bit, which actually is okay with me. You see, when Jenna died it was around this time of year. Summer was about to begin and as much as I don’t love the heat, the heat of the summer that first summer without her was one of the most bittersweet memories I have.

Summer is like the sigh of relief after a rough couple of months every year. I feel it building after Christmas and building, and building. Until May 18th comes around and I can feel my chest split wide open.

And then, almost like magic, I can breathe again.

This is summer.

Maybe not officially, but I feel that revitalization in life again.

Inspired a bit, actually a LOT! I am working on a project with a handful of other artists and I just can’t wait to spill more about it. Sometimes I wish I could tap away at my keyboard and make money doing just this, because writing to me is like therapy.

Maybe one day. But until then I will squeeze moments throughout my day to keep at this. It helps me process life. And release whatever my heart is struggling to put into words on so many occasions.

But summer. Oh, summer. I cannot tell you how glad I am that you are almost here.

I can already taste the strawberry lemonade and the feel the damp humidity that lingers well into the evening. And while you bring a plethora of mosquitos and sunburns along with you, I welcome you. Because you are the constant, faithful reminder that life is here. Life is now.

And I am so, so ready.

I have a few things on my bucket list so far… do you have a bucket list for summer time?

Also, four days ago this young man lost his battle against cancer. His legacy is pretty amazing. “You don’t have to find out you’re dying to start living.”

ps… I wrote on the MOB Society yesterday on childhood memories and the magical outdoors!

The post Summer, how I love you. appeared first on Small Bird Studios.

One day I’m going to miss this.

The changing diapers.

Wiping runny noses.

Playing ‘clean up’ fifteen times a day.

The nights that involve six hours of broken sleep.

Hearing Bubby talk about how he wants Daddy on this new schedule.

Washing these littles fingers and toes in the bath tub.

Holding their hands and feeling them grab my finger with their fists.

Finding monster trucks in the sheets, or cherrios and crackers in the couch cushions.

Watching Evie back away from the bottle to talk and babble softly for a few moments and then return to eating.

The way she calms down and snuggles in my arms.

The way they need me. I’m going to miss it.

I already feel this sense of urgency, and that time is swallowing us up much too quickly. In a few days Evie will be five months. It feels only like yesterday we were bringing her precious self home to us. It makes me wonder if I am doing enough. Taking enough pictures and videos. It makes me wonder how much time I spend looking them directly in the eyes, and drinking them in as much as possible.

She smiles, and lights up our world. She laughs too. She looks for her brother when she hears him talking.

He talks to her about his cars and trucks. Showing her the car as he talks and talks, fully trusting she isn’t missing a beat of it. She struggles to hold her head up high, but she is so eager to watch him. Listen to him. Watching them bond over trucks and cars, baby talk and afternoon snacks… it’s just beautiful.

That they are my babies. Their mommy. The one that is so needed by them.

I’m going to miss this one day.

But today, my goodness, today… I might be tired, but I am so incredibly blessed.

The post One Day appeared first on Small Bird Studios.

I am such a dork but today one of my small dreams came true and I made my own lotion!!! Well, sunscreen that is. I used this recipe!

Why I decided to make my own:

- most sunscreens out there are actually not doing their job

- lots of sunscreens are actually doing more harm than help

- this sunscreen is all natural and safe on babies!!!

- it is SPF 30

- it’s actually cheaper than organic/ natural sun protectors in the long run. To buy the supplies up front (I went to amazon), it is pretty pricey but the ingredients go a long way

Me and the Bubs actually wore it outside today and it dried clear and felt smooth and silky like a ‘normal’ sun protector. I used four ingredients. Four! I am so excited about using it on the beach:)

The post DIY Sunscreen appeared first on Small Bird Studios.

It amazes me that this well, this well of absolute sadness and grief is never ever empty. There is always something down there.

Something that motivates me to be a better person.

Something that brings me to tears.

Something that moves my soul like nothing else in the world has ever moved me before.

Something that can make a perfectly good moment burst into a wild goose chase of what ifs and could-have-beens.

The well is sometimes low… and on the days it is low it would be easy to forget it altogether. Life is easy to carry on. Life almost seems NORMAL.

And then there are days that the well is full, tears are behind every smile, and you just feel like a complete mad woman. Running from happy to sad to a blubbering mess in a matter of seconds.

Today the well overflowed. The well wasn’t just present. It wasn’t just full, it pretty much washed over me.

Realizing what tomorrow is.

I am at the point where I am sick and tired of being sad. Just fed up with it. Sadness is so endless… because the loss of a child is infinite in the fact that it transpires into every facet of life.

I know as a Christian we should seek comfort in the word of God, cast our cares on him. But today I had a thought that I just wanted to be happy.

Is that okay?

I just don’t want to feel it. Because something about that deep dark black hole, it has a sucking power. And it’s easy to get lost in. It’s almost too comfortable at times.

We had a fantastic double date tonight, and on the way home it hit me like a ton of bricks. What the heck was I doing? Laughing, carrying on? I was beating myself up, wondering how on earth I could be so ‘okay’ when a day like tomorrow is on the horizon. The day she died. The day I vowed I would never forget. The day that made me question whether or not I’d ever be happy again.

And here I am, four years later. So okay. Yet, so incredibly sad.

The tears will come regardless. Whether I fight them to the teeth or not.

But there is something I plan to do tomorrow, and that is at least one random act of kindness.

And possibly blasting my music much too loud. But I’ll save that for the car.

During birthday week, on her birthday actually, I did a random act of kindness and it was the most exhilarating, rewarding and humbling feeling. I wish I could have captured the person’s face in a photo.

IT WAS PRICELESS!

I was the only person in line at Starbucks one Sunday evening. I was hoping there would be someone behind me to pass this RAOK on to. But alas, it was just me and the cashier.

So I went on with my order, purchased a drink and a $5 gift card. She was swiping my card, asking me my name and then I asked her if she actually liked the drinks there. Because you know, sometimes after working somewhere (even Starbucks!) you might get burned out. She said she did. I pushed the $5 butterfly gift card into an envelope and handed it to her.

“This is for you.” I said. My voice was shaky. I was too scared to react.

She was STUNNED. “Are you serious?!!” She looked down at it. “Are you serious?!”

I nodded, and suddenly realized why this whole random acts of kindness movement is so dang popular. BECAUSE IT IS AWESOME.

We ended up chatting a little bit more about birthday week, our daughters and the reason we are doing it. We connected through instagram and she has been so inspired to do this herself.

So tomorrow, if you would like, I would so love it if you took part in the RAOK in Jenna’s name.

Tomorrow, this well might be overflowing, but I will do everything I can to keep my head above the water. Laughing through the tears. Fighting the sadness. And doing everything I can to make sure my baby girl knows she is so loved, so missed, and too incredible to let this day slide by without making someone else’s day… with even the smallest gesture of kindness.

***UPDATE***

If you decide to join in and share your RAOK’s on Instagram/ Twitter, please use the hashtag #RAOKJENNA so we can see them!:)

The post Fighting the Sadness. appeared first on Small Bird Studios.

Full of laundry piles, sick babies, dirty dishes, grocery runs, bills, emails, bad hair days.

Life gets full.

I have always felt like a part of me is a writer. Not to be confused with the writer that writes best-selling novels and travels the world on the publisher’s dime. But one who craves to write because it is like breathing to her. It’s not always clear, it’s not always methodical. And it is definitely not always profitable, but it is life sustaining. It helps me process life.

Life has been full.

My heart has been full, but words have been scarce… not quite sure how to come here and express it all. Me and my son fell terribly sick on Wednesday (crazy Texas weather!), emails and orders fell the wayside, and the rest of this week has been catch up.

And while some inspiring words escape me, I am actually okay admitting that today, this whole week actually has sort of been like limbo to me.

Waiting. Hoping. Believing.

That while life can just be so full of the mundane… there is inspiration all around.

And I will wait for it.

Hope for it.

Believe it.

It really is all around.

Just yesterday I was flipping through my instagram pictures and I rested on this photo for a while, and I seriously wanted to bawl. No matter how many sweet moments he fills my life with, it just never seems like they last long enough. If I could but bottle this time up forever… as I lay these precious babies down each night my heart breaks a little, knowing that one more day has passed in the lives of their ‘littleness’.

I was getting sick as my little man was starting to feel better on Wednesday and I was lying on the couch, covered up. In the middle of his playtime in the living room where we spend most of our days, Bubby walked over to me, and put his hand gently over my head and said,”It’s okay sweetheart. I’m going to take you to the doctor.”

I almost just cried writing that out.

Love like this.

Well, I think that it plenty inspiration for now.

Life may be full, but it sure can be oh, so sweet.

The post When Inspiration is Scarce and Life is Full appeared first on Small Bird Studios.