StarWars Fangirl

My daughter is six years old and she's a gamer. Right now she is a level 22 wood elf in Skyrim. She smiths, making her own steel armor to match Lydia, her house carl, and prefers one-handed weapons and magic along with a dwarven bow. She's part of the Thieves Guild, a Companion, a Werewolf and the Arch Mage of the College of Winterhold. She originally started out playing Lego Star Wars which I picked up on a whim when I bought my Xbox 360 with her in mind. Thus began a massive love affair for her with Star Wars. Legos, posters, books, additional video games, the movies and cartoons — she's utterly sold. Ahsoka Tano is her hero.

Gaming and kids gets a bad wrap in mainstream media. It's quickly blamed for violence and killing off kids' imaginations. I've spent months mulling over my own feelings about letting my six-year-old play a relatively grown-up game like Skyrim where she has to kill, steal, and take on dragons, draugrs and wizards to complete quests. I've decided not only am I ok with this, but that it's teaching her some great lessons.

Before I continue let's get something out of the way. We live on a one acre smallholding in the countryside and are rapidly on the way to growing the majority of our own fresh produce. We're outside every single day and her life does not revolve around gaming, even though she also plays every day. She's an avid artist and has a fantastic imagination. She has chores, helps mind our animals, and has a wonderful social life with her school friends. We're not talking about a situation where my kid is glued, brain dead, to a television playing video games all day. Speaking of television… we don't have one. I have a monitor hooked up to our Xbox and that is how we game.

Whether or not video games can influence kids in a negative way is not my call, but I do not doubt that it happens. In our specific experience with her personality type through monitoring, gaming together, and moderation, it's been a very positive experience. Below are some of the benefits I've noticed from her playing video games.

She's improved her reading and verbal skills

Especially with Skyrim, she's had to really focus and learn to read, sounding out words she doesn't recognize. I don't game when I don't want to so she has to figure it out on her own the majority of the time. What characters say to each other, what is required for a quest, what she needs for potions or smithing — she's on her own and learning FAST. Forget See Spot Run — she's figuring out how to bribe guards to look the other way when she blows into town on a quest requiring her to break the law.

She's learning perseverance

Again, I don't play when I don't want to so if she can't make progress on a quest she has to figure out how to accomplish her goal. Very rarely does she give up on something as hopeless, and come to me asking for help. I've watched quietly as she pushes and pushes until she finally finishes a quest and been there to fist bump her on her successes.

Her problem solving skills are badass

Lego games are based on simple problem solving scenarios. When she started with Lego she was utterly lost as to how to figure out the next step but quickly learned when I refused to solve the problems for her. It helped that it was fun even if you weren't making progress, but eventually she did and finished the game all on her own. In Skyrim as well, if one tactic doesn't work you have to use your brain and come up with a solution in order to finish certain quests. I've watched her take on bosses way too strong for her by doing clever things like leading them to traps or locking them behind gates. The kid is CLEVER. And personally, I'd rather her solving problems in a video game than slumped mindlessly in front of the telly.

She's taking an interest in new hobbies

For her birthday this year, her one request is a bow and arrow set — and she's going to get it. Having taken archery as a kid, I have no qualms about her learning under supervision. In fact I am thrilled. She is determined to catch us dinner and cook it in an inground oven&… we also watch Ray Mears together.

Games encourage her imagination

I was relatively surprised (and delighted) to walk into her class one day (where I teach art occasionally) and hear the kids talking about being an Argonian or Kahjit and elaborately explaining to each other their own actions in a Skyrim-based world. One kid declared, verbatim: "You have committed crimes against Skyrim and her people, what say you in your defense?" (what a guard says when arresting you in game), something he picked up directly from my kid. She also absolutely adores going on long walks around our house to collect ingredients for potions, something she also does in game. Right now there is a bowl sitting on my hutch with a myriad of plants — her healing potion.

She's way more social

She isn't allowed to game when she has friends over, but she loves to play act the games in real life and the other kids in her class eagerly join in. Having had some serious upheaval in our lives with having to move several times after a rather unpleasant divorce, seeing her overcome social anxiety and become a confident little social butterfly is a huge relief to me. It's also fantastic to see other little girls who are normally playing house and Barbie get sucked into being warriors or Star Wars characters.

She's empowered

Skyrim is fantastic for being egalitarian, and as a strong feminist that mattered to me. Whether male or female (she's played both sexes and had same sex marriages — kudos Bethesda!), you're just the Dragonborn, a warrior. There is no objectification in the game either, something that is unfortunately rampant in the gaming world. She faces foes on her own strength and overcomes them based on her own wits, skill, and determination. There are no set gender roles in Skyrim — women are Jarls, Companions, in the City Guard, Shop Keepers, and Hunters. When she grows up she wants to be an artist, a librarian, and a warrior. As far as I am concerned, that is badass.

Games let her safely confront her fears

When she first started watching me game she was nervous of the fantasy baddies, especially Draugrs and the Falmer. She started off collecting ingredients for me and slowly realized she had nothing to fear of the baddies in game and confronted them all one by one. She's lost her fears of fantasy boogey men in real life because she's kicked the ass of anything intimidating in her games. Does that mean she is getting desensitized? A bit. I don't find it a negative thing at all, though. She's distinguishing between reality and fantasy more now than she ever did before. I'm thrilled she is losing her fear of things that don't exist. She hasn't been desensitized to death, despite impressive kill stats — she still cried for two days when a fox took off with our beloved duck Lily.

I'm not interested in convincing anyone to go out and buy a gaming console for their kid or to ignore any negative effects gaming can have on kids. I am interested in the positive aspects gaming has had in my kid's life and discussing that aspect of it, because it is there. I took the risk of letting my kid explore gaming under my supervision and on the whole it's been a completely positive experience once we got moderation under control. I'm sure there's more aspects as well — I've heard mention of gaming fine-tuning motor skills. What about the rest of Offbeat Mama readers — do you let your young kids game?

I AM CONFUSED. Photo by supafly, used under Creative Commons license.

We're currently expecting our first, and on a bit of a tight budget. My wonderful Mum has offered to make cloth diapers for us, but my diaper pattern research has been confusing as hell!

I don't know the difference between pre-fold and fitted, I don't know if one-size is best, and I don't know what to make them from or how to hold them shut. This child is going to be diapered in a paper towel and duct tape if we can't get easy-to-understand information and assistance.

Parents who have made their own cloth diapers: what patterns did you use, and how easy was the process? — Summer

Bassey's son the day of the doctor's appointment. Photo via XOJane.

XOJane recently ran a piece called Does Anyone Else Feel Like They Broke Their Kid?, in which the author reflects back to an encounter at a doctor's appointment when her son was two.

To the casual observer, the Parenting SPY is just the guy making a deposit at the bank or the old lady weighing melons in the store or this very woman staring at me in the waiting room. Sitting next to me in her judgmental crocs trying to figure out if I'm a good parent. I haven't quite worked out who Parenting SPIES report to or why. Actually, no, scratch that, they report to my mother.

I decide to sit up straighter in my chair and readjust my ponytail. I look over to make sure that Boogie isn't trying to force a tiny embrace on anyone. He's counting the fish in the tank, "One, two, three, five, eight, double-you, auntie, Elaiwe… " I smile to myself.

"Well, isn't he a charming little man," the Parenting Spy says.

"Yes. He's a good boy," I reply. I think quickly about a way to slide in that I read to him every night (okay, every other night) but she's already moved on to her next line: "And he's dressed like a little teenager!" I'm certain she's not using the words she really means.

You can read the entire piece at the source.

Photo by Melissa LaRue Photography.

This just makes me smile. Over and over and over again.

Photo by ginsnob, used under Creative Commons license.

Not good.

When I found out I was pregnant, I quit drinking full stop. It wasn't easy. I was going through an emotionally challenging time without my go-to friend, alcohol. Thankfully, the scent of alcohol from an open bottle of wine and even on the breath of others made me nauseous in the first trimester. I knew that I did not want to put my child at risk by drinking while pregnant. I wanted to give him the best start possible. I had other women who had children explain how an occasional glass of wine while pregnant was okay, but I did not feel safe explaining why an occasional glass of anything wasn't okay for me.

After I had the baby, I was worried that I would give in to temptation and start drinking again. I was breastfeeding, and it meant a lot to me, so pumping and dumping wasn't something I wanted to do on a regular basis. I have to admit I had a beer or a glass of wine a few times over the course of my son's first year, and yes, I did pump and dump. I felt guilty for drinking, I felt guilty for pumping and dumping, and I felt like I failed myself and my son. And you know, the glass of beer or wine just wasn't as satisfying as I remembered.

I was able to use breastfeeding as the excuse for why I wasn't drinking when I went to industry events or company happy hours. I received grief from my co-workers and manager after I was done breastfeeding, but still not drinking. I ended up telling a few co-workers and my manager that I had a history alcohol mis-use, and I didn't want to be that kind of mother. I knew it was going to be really hard not to drink after I was done breastfeeding; I never expected peer pressure to drink in a professional environment.

My son is now 16 months old. I feel safer in my recovery. I still think about drinking from time to time, but when I do, I quickly think about how much joy I feel hearing my son's laugh and being sober for every moment of his life compared to the momentary pleasure I experienced from alcohol.

For those of you trying to struggling with recovery, please find comfort in the knowledge that you aren't alone. Ask for help. Reach out to other mothers. Go to meetings. Do what you need to do to feel safe and be there for your children.

There are tons of resources for those recovering from alcoholism that range from the fun (like this post about mocktails on Offbeat Bride) to serious and/or support groups (Alcoholics Anonymous being the most well-known). There's no way for us to know what might work for you, but if you're in a similar position as this post author and looking for help, it's out there.

On a scale from one to ten, just HOW delightful do you find the above fruit balloon garland? Because I think it's one of the most magical things I've ever seen. This garland was for a planned fruit party, but I'm thinking these balloons would be PERFECT for a kid's birthday shindig… or even an adult's.

If you've got readers in the house, you'll probably love this idea: instead of ditching torn pages or old books, laminate the pages and turn them into place settings!

Now you can have your own pop-up ZOO!

I had to Google Suminagashi to find out what it is (aka paper marbling), but man: now that I know, I'm all over this:

It's a SKATEBOARD SWING. Repeat: Skateboard SWING.

I LOVE the idea of turning games into real life! You can see more amazing inspiration at the source.

Wanna make your own baby gladiator sandals? Do it.

LEGO INSPIRED BIRTHDAY PARTY!! (!!!)

Photo by Whitney Lee Photography

Before I saw this photo in the Flickr pool it had been so long since I had played Connect 4 that I couldn't even remember the name of the game. Thanks, Whitney Lee and this little dude for jogging my memory!

Photo by matryosha, used under Creative Commons license.

There were some complications to planning this outing, however, because I am 7.5 months pregnant and feeling both tired and whale-like. When we started our email conversation about possible activities, I had to shoot a bunch
of stuff down because I physically cannot do it right now (i.e., roller skating, going to an hour-long standing-room-only play, hanging out at a bar where I would be super jealous of everyone else's delicious stiff drinks).

Amidst all of the discussion, I started to feel a bit irritated that most of them didn't seem to understand the limitations of late pregnancy. And then I took a step back and realized that a few short years ago, I was the one who didn't understand. I remembered that what I should focus on was the fact that they wanted to include me enough that, in the end, they had me pick the activity so I'd have fun and be comfortable, too.

This got me thinking about the nature of my female friendships and how most of them have changed since the spawning has begun (or not, as the case may be). I find that I can now divide my friends into two categories: mom friends and mom's friends. I have just a small handful of friends who fit into both categories — that is, they were mom's friends before becoming mom friends — but for the most part, my friends are one or the other.

It's not that what I'm looking for in a friend has changed, but once you add a kid to the mix, it's basically like inventing a second (or third, fourth, etc.) personality to contend with in the relationship. A similar sense of humor is still as important for mom friends as for mom's friends, but the ability to go with the flow is a vital addition to the friendship equation these days.

I will admit to being a bit close-minded about the cultivation of mom friends initially, which I think is really due to the fact that transitioning into motherhood was quite difficult for me. What I've come to realize is that both kinds of friends are crucial. The fact is that both pregnancy and raising a kid are things that can't be fully understood until you're in the situation itself. In the same way that I used to call one particular friend for dating advice and another friend for career advice, I need to have one friend I can talk to about freelancing as a mom and another I can call for advice on kids' crafting projects. Contrary to what I thought when my son was born, it does matter that you have some friends with kids, because no matter how well-meaning and understanding your childfree friends are, there are some things they just aren't going to get on a gut level because they haven't been there. This isn't a dig at those friends — it's just reality.

However, those awesome friends? I need them now more than ever. They are one of the tangible links to my life as me, just me, before my big picture included a kid or a house or a spouse, or even a job in some cases. Our shared memories remind me of who I still am beneath all of these crazy adult responsibilities I've taken on. And these women will be around when my kids are grown and gone, and we'll be planning our retirements together.

I'm not saying that I've remained close with everyone I was friends with pre-baby. A few of them were not as interested in sticking around as others, but I've been lucky enough to keep most of them. I think that in general, keeping mom's friends who were really friends to begin with is not that complicated. It basically boils down to not talking about baby poop all the time. I know that I'm possibly in the minority in that I find baby poop simultaneously boring and disgusting, but really, if I don't want to discuss it, I can't expect my childfree friends to care.

This sums up my approach to hanging on to these friends: don't make everything about your kid. Make time to see them without
the kid in tow, and make sure you talk about things other than your kid. That being said, I'm not interested in maintaining a friendship with someone who visibly checks out of the conversation if I take fifteen minutes to tell her what's happening in my three-year-old's life. His life may be filled with smaller things, but it's still important.

I've had more trouble connecting with mom friends, but what I've found is that if I can imagine being friends with the woman (not necessarily BFFs, but better than acquaintances) without having kids, I'm happy being mom friends. This assumes a couple of things: one of which is that we talk about things other than our kids sometimes, and the other is that we have compatible enough parenting styles that I'm not horrified by how she relates to her kids.

My other big realization, which I know goes against some of the advice floating around out there, is that you should not treat finding mom friends like you treat(ed) dating. I understand why people say that (nerves, how to find each other, how to approach without seeming needy), but honestly, I believe that is over-thinking it. It gives too much importance to the innocuous act of setting up a play date. And if you take it that seriously, it's hard not to be offended if your hang-out time gets repeatedly canceled because someone's kid gets the flu and then she gets sick and then her baby gets sick and you don't get to see each other for two months (yes, this has happened to me). If a date had ever done that, it would've been the end; if a mom friend does it, I shrug it off and we try again later.

Doing these things has allowed me to slowly build up a network of mom friends I truly like and relate to. And while I recognize that I will likely not be friends with all of these women twenty years down the line, that's okay. We can still have fun together with our kids now, and there is nothing wrong with that. And if ever a day comes when I do need to talk about baby poop, they will be ready to hear it when I call.

• How do you find offbeat mama friends?
• Finding offbeat mama friends: a follow up!
• Organize an Offbeat Mama meet-up in YOUR area

WANT BABY. Photo by shanelkalicharan, used under Creative Commons license.

I'm way past the age where everyone I know is getting pregnant. At 33, I'm at the age where many of my friends are having their second child and dealing with toddlers. But, for me, this is the age where I'm finally considering having a baby of my own. Considering is not the word. Obsessing. CRAVING.

Maybe it's because I'm no longer sane about it but I feel like a baby is just going to fit right into my life (parents out there, I can hear you laughing!). My husband is terrified, but I'm ready to just jump in. I get that bringing new life into the world is life-changing. I get that my life will become more difficult. Perhaps it's something you can't understand until you have one, but I want to try.

How did having a baby REALLY change your life? — Sara

All photos by Pushba.

The last time anyone mentioned Ariel's fave Russian goth mom Pushba was back in October when Ariel actually met her, so I figured it was time for an update… and what a good one it is. Pushba's son, Elisey, recently celebrated his first birthday, and the party was an amazing soiree filled with kiddos, bright colors… and a big blue cake with a baby on top.

Waaaaake up!

His older sister, Lada, looking ever-so-fab.

BIRTHDAAAAAAAY!

I'm in love with this cake.. even the little baby on top of it.

You can get in on even more birthday fun at Pushba's blog.