“Talking to him is like running a mental marathon…I could barely keep up…”

Comparisons and contrasts offer great material for conversation. Not only do they help clarify your point, but they can help keep the conversation more interesting (and sometimes even humorous).
See if you can go beyond simple comparisons using “like/as.”

For example, “I’m talking…huge, Godzilla huge.” If you must use a comparison word, try to get creative – instead of saying “you look like a wet dog,” try “there aren’t many differences between you and a wet dog right now” or “I have two words for what you resemble right now – wet dog,” or “you’re not just wet, you’re wet-dog wet.”
Don’t be afraid to expand and explain your comparison. “She’s gorgeous, she’s at the highest level of gorgeous…higher than Kim Kardashian gorgeous… and it doesn’t get much higher than that…”

“Was it Great Dane big or Titanic big?”

You can always state what something is not like. “I’m very upset, not angry upset, but nervous upset.” Or “That’s not trickle down economics, that’s more like mist down economics…” People enjoy hearing contrasts. Stating an exception helps clarify, add contrast, and dimension. They may ask, “You live on Eminem’s old street right?” and you could respond literally, “Yeah… I do live on his street…” Instead, try throwing in some fun exception as well, like, “Yeah…I can’t sing like him…but I do live on his street…”

Many radio personalities use this technique to add balance and substance to their opinions (plus it helps them fill the air time). Instead of saying, “I think he’s an excellent quarterback…” they may say something like, “I think he’s an excellent quarterback…now I’m not saying he’s Joe Montana…but he’s really good…” See how easy that was?

You can also clarify something using actions. Don’t just say, “I don’t want to be here,” contrast it with what you’d rather be doing, “I’d rather gnaw off my own arm than stay here.” For example, “He’s hot…I wouldn’t date him, but he’s hot…”

You can utilize common formulas to create contrasts. “Normally _____, but this time_____.” For example, “Normally I wouldn’t drink hard liquor, but screw it, it’s been a tough week.” Or “Normally I’d call you right away, but I was trying to be mysterious.”
 

Now go compare something.

State your observation as an opinion with a comparison:
“She needs to lay off the mascara – she almost looks like a depressed clown!”

State your observation as an opinion with a hypothetical:
“She needs to lay off the mascara before she turns into a clown…the circus might give her a call soon.”

State your observation as an opinion and add hypothetical intentions or thoughts for the observed object:
“She needs to lay off the mascara – did she think that actually looks good? Did she get up this morning and say, ‘I’m going to put on three layers of purple mascara today because I think I’ll look hot!’ Maybe I’ll finally get a date!’ Too bad it will be a date with a clown…”

Sarcasm is important.
Some of the best observations are simple sarcastic remarks. Always be on the lookout for something that isn’t normal – and then state something the opposite of reality. For example, maybe you’re with a friend and you see a fat slob on a bench eating a giant hamburger, what observations could you make to initiate conversation? How about, “Now there’s the epitome of sexy,” Or “That guy is my role model,” Or “I bet he’s dating a super model…” or “I wonder if he’s on a diet…”
If your sarcasm was met with a good reaction, you can often extend it by adding a supporting example. Look at the following examples:
Maybe you’re visiting a city and walk downtown but find that it’s very boring and empty, you could sarcastically state, “Wow, this place really comes alive at night!” but instead of stopping there, you could continue, “Look out, I can barely make it through all the crowds!”
Maybe your friend burps, “That was really classy…” and you could continue by providing an example to support your comment, “you should teach etiquette classes, you have a real skill for it.”

Poor conversationalists who suffer from a form of shyness are often uncomfortable with being the center of attention.  Many shy conversationalists are not only insecure about their conversational abilities, but many feel that they are wasting everyone’s time.  This often translates into a very rushed and sometimes mumbled or semi-incoherent message.   Sometimes you may race to get the words out so quickly that each phrase loses all energy, emotion, or effectiveness.  Sometimes we forget that how we say the phrases is just as important as what we are saying.  It can be a self fulfilling prophecy – if you think your conversation has little value, then you may sabotage it as it leaves your lips.  Your words may not get a good reaction – thereby reinforcing your expectations that your conversation wasn’t any good to begin with.

Good conversation is like a tennis match, and good conversationalists take advantage of their “turn.”  They enjoy conversation and enjoy taking time to express themselves.  They are confident that what they are saying has some value to it, and expect the audience to give them time to speak.

Your goal is to be at one with your talking space.  Accept the time you are rightfully allowed.  If you cannot say everything all at once, be okay with a pause.  Focus on each set of phrases rather than how quickly you can spit everything out.  Focus on the quality of your conversation rather than how many eyes are staring at you and what everyone is possibly thinking.

From now on, mentally focus on chunking each main point, phrase, or word.  Force yourself to pause in between main points.  Gather yourself, take a breath, and then say your next chunk of words or phrases.  Put energy, thought, and effort into that chunk.  Then relax again, and say your next chunk.  This rule will instantly make you a better communicator.

This rule will do five things for you immediately:

1. Give you extra time to think about what to say.
2. Allow you to focus and inject more energy into each phrase chunk.
3. Let you breathe.
4. Give you a greater sense of control.
5. Prevent too many mumbles or misunderstandings.

After you grow accustomed to forcing your brain to talk in chunks, your brain will start formulating phrases in chunks automatically. You’ll have more time to think about what you want to say next and your communication will improve.

PRACTICE: 

Read the following out loud quickly, like you’re nervous and speaking in front of 20 people.  And then read it out loud a second time, but try to force yourself to chunk each main point.  Try to break it into at least four chunks.

“We were supposed to go up north but I don’t know what happened I think he decided that it wasn’t a good idea because it started to snow around here and you know how he is about snow. I just don’t know if I want to go up with him anymore anyway.”

See how much better you can sound when you chunk your phrases?

We are not that much different as adults.  We can all be distracted.  If you make a big mistake and your audience starts to focus on it, then your main goal should be to try to move on.  If you cannot make light of your mistake, then you should try to move on as quickly as possible before your mistake really registers in their minds and has lasting consequences.

In order to move on successfully, you need three things:

1. Another topic/phrase
2. A move-on phrase
3. Extra energy

1. Another topic.

Maybe you incorrectly named some product during a meeting, “I think we should purchase the Valmar program…” and a coworker quickly corrects you, “You mean the Valmode program?” When the mistake occurs, your first order of business is probably to correct yourself so everyone knows that you know what you are talking about.  Some people may see an opportunity for humor during a mistake, but in a business meeting, you may not find such opportunity (or feel like taking that risk!).

In these cases, it’s usually a good idea to transition to some other topic.  Before you can transition, you need to know where you’re going.  Hopefully you can think of some other topic to transition to.  It certainly doesn’t have to be an entirely new or exciting topic.  You can simply transition to another type of phrase.  If you were not finished and you had more to say, then by all means transition to your next point.

2. The Move-On phrase.

In the case of the example above, you may say, “Of course, Valmode… that reminds me, I was doing some research and found that…” or “Yeah, Valmode, Bill, what were saying was the cost per unit?” In the first example, the move-on phrase is, “that reminds me.”  Why?  Because it gets their attention – people want to hear what it reminds you of.  Not only that, you said you did some research, so that peaks even more interest.  In the second option, the move-on phrase was “Bill.” Simple huh? It works because everyone focuses on Bill instead of you. You can completely divert their attention with one word.

I’ve heard great speakers even cut themselves off after a mistake because cutting yourself off with some other topic immediately alerts the audiences’ attention that something interesting is coming.

Silence can really hurt here, so almost anything is better than sitting there and letting people think about your mistake.

3. Extra Energy. 

If you want to learn how to recover from a mistake, watch some old clips of George W. Bush speaking.  You could always count on him to make a speaking blunder, but there weren’t many people better at recovering from a mistake either.  During his speech, he would often go off on an incorrect tangent or phrase something poorly – you could literally watch him struggle as he looked for the right words.  As soon as he remembered what he wanted to say, he would say it with much more power and energy, in a way that cut off the old mistake phrase so you would almost forget about how he messed up. You suddenly heard the more energetic phrase and your focus instinctively shifted to the new phrase that sounded much more interesting. His secret was not so much in what he was saying to recover, but how he said the next phrase.

Make sure you not only transition to another phrase/topic, but that you act like it’s even more interesting than the previous mistake phrase was.

Five bad habits/traits.

Five things you’re good at.

Five role models.

Favorite movies (in each genre if possible).

Favorite actor /actress.

Five favorite movie lines.

Favorite car.

Favorite period in history.

Five favorite meals / desserts.

Favorite breakfast, lunch, dinner restaurant.

Favorite place you have visited or want to visit.

Two hobbies.

Five pet peeves.

Five favorite things that make you happy.

Favorite class.

Favorite teacher.

Five weaknesses / things you want to improve.

Five strengths / things you’re proud of.

Five favorite songs (in each genre if possible).

Favorite memory from the past week.  The past year.  The past fifteen years.

Favorite thing about your family / friends.

Five goals you have.

Favorite sports / teams / players.

Favorite clothing items / companies / designers.

Five things you love to do.

A famous person you’d love to meet and talk to.

Five fun flaws (I’m horrible at directions, etc).

Your political views

Favorite game.

Favorite clothing designer.

Favorite books.

Favorite drink.

Favorite part about your job.

Fun observations about women/men.

Favorite part of your best friend.

There are many more but these provide a good foundation.  Exploring these will help you deliver strong (and hopefully fun) opinions, share interesting stories, and offer quick tidbits about yourself without much thought.

Your second challenge: Go back, and where appropriate, think of the opposite of each topic (e.g. your least favorite thing).

Your third challenge: Explain WHY for as many of the topics as possible.  Can you say something interesting, or better yet, a 60 second story involving each category?  If it involves a song or movie – can you think of/say a famous quote or line from it?

Don’t forget; let the other person talk about themselves more than you talk about yourself.

Soften a strong phrase.

“…was that a little extreme? Maybe a little?”

“…or something like that…”

“…not that I really would, but…”

Clarify something possibly confusing or risky.

“…I’m not saying that it was horrible, but that maybe it could use some work.”

“…so ultimately it would end up being just us.”

Provide a reason for saying your statement – which also fills up awkward silence.

“…just figured I’d ask.”

“…because that’s how I roll.”

“ …I just wanted to point that out.”

Add extra emphasis.

“…and I really mean that…”

Help make sure they understand your opinion/position.

“…and that’s a good thing.”

“…and I wouldn’t do anything more than that.”

“…I think that would be enough.”

After giving your opinion or telling your story, sometimes people need a moment to think about it, so to fill up the silence. 

“…and that’s my story.”

“ …it’s been downhill ever since.”

“ …and that’s what it’s about…”

“ you have beautiful eyes… that’s the first thing I noticed.”

Add humor or keep the conversation playful (especially after a mistake).

Icings can be funny and definitely welcome if the main block of what you said was severely lacking in funny content.  Try to learn interesting and humorous icings like, “I don’t know what I was thinking,” or “you probably couldn’t care less, but…” or even silly, “I was just wondering because my brain’s not working right now…” Icings that anticipate funny questions or thoughts can be funny as well, like, “I know you’re probably wondering why I chose the word farthead to describe my dad…” or “…after saying that you probably think I’m crazy, but I’m really not!” Here are a few more:

“…wow, I kinda just sounded like a pirate didn’t I?”

“ I don’t know how to do it… that’s right, I’m not ashamed of being a computer ditz.”

“ I’ve been dying for a kiss, I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing, but…”

Control the direction of the conversation.

Like the Setup and Filler, the Icing helps you control the direction of the conversation.  Your initial phrase may not elicit the response you were hoping for, so adding an icing to it may help you steer the ship in the right direction.   To ensure that your listener is on the same page and understands what you’re saying and what you expect from them, you can try icing phrases like, “…is that okay with you?” or “…I mean in terms of feelings…not so much facts.”  or “…ultimately I think we shouldn’t do it…”

Keep your conversation partner involved.

Some icings can help you keep the conversation going when your conversational partner is not holding their weight or may be lacking in social prowess.  Assuming your conversational partner is interested in conversing with you, then a good icing can guide them and help them come up with something to say.  Here are some examples, “…don’t you think so?” or “…am I crazy for thinking that?” or “…is there anything else you can think of?”

Meta-talk can save the day.

If the listener is not responding like you anticipated, you can try to use a Meta-Talk observation about yourself, or them, or the situation.  For example, if you see that they are not reacting well to what you’re saying, you can add an icing to try to switch gears, “You’re like ‘no, I don’t think so…’” or “You’re looking at me like I’m crazy!” or even, “wow that came off weird…” or the ultimate silence killer, “well this is an awkward silence.” 

You could get defensive and say, “No I’m not!”

Or you could step outside of the attack all together and comment about the attack and/or attacker.

Here are some examples:

“Are you always this kind?”

“Your voice is annoying me now.”

“That sounded like it was meant to insult me…”

“How does it feel being such a jerk?”

“Luckily I don’t care what you think.”

“Are you always this angry?”

“Oh, you’re trying to be funny now, huh?”

By talking about the talk, you can remove yourself from the attack and step outside of it.  Comment on how they said it or their possible motivations for such an attack.  Try to avoid responding to the content of their attack.  Doing so shows the attacker that you are ignoring their attack mocking it at the same time!  By analyzing and dismantling their phrase or their delivery, you can take away its power and place yourself above the role of a “victim.”

The bully wants nothing more than for you to react to the content of their attack.  And in most social situations, you have to respond with something, right?  Many poor conversationalists feel pressured to respond quickly, so they pick the easy route and respond to the easiest part – the content and message of the attack.  But meta-talk allows you to offer a normal response and at the same time avoid their attack.  Got it?

Meta-talk is the perfect method for subtly mocking your attacker.  For example, they may say, “You’re a huge asshole,” to which you can calmly retort, “that sucks, I thought I was just a small asshole, have I already moved up to being a huge asshole?”

Meta-talk by its very nature implies to the audience that you are above such trivial arguments or fights.  Breaking apart someone’s attack is a very mature and honorable thing to do  – while still giving you the satisfaction of defending or attacking them back. Plus, there is also low risk for meta-talk, so use it often!

Use this principle to your advantage.  By bringing up how others have agreed to your proposal, you will be more likely to persuade.  Just remember, people are more likely to follow those who are similar to them.  If you tell a CEO that all the call center representatives are doing it, the CEO may not care.

A poor conversationalist would take the bait and respond, “No I’m not!”

Instead, expose the source, “Are you trying to make me act defensive? Because it’s not going to work.”

Everyone you will ever face is only human.  In order for them to attack you they must undergo some thought process as to what to say, how to say it, what their goals are and so on.  Don’t forget that. They may come off as invincible and intimidating, but they always have some weakness or insecurity.  And all you have to do is point out what they are trying to do – their possible intentions.  In fact, you do not even have to go that far, because you can simply ask them what they are trying to do.  A classic is “Why are you trying so hard to _____?”

Go straight for the source.  Bring up their intentions, their thought process, their reasoning, and their effort – anything but the attack itself.   This is a great way to dodge the target.  The attacker will be expecting you to respond to the attack.  Side stepping it and attacking the source of the attack is equivalent to removing the clothing of their argument and exposing the bare thoughts underneath. Try to get at what they are doing and why they are doing it.

Here are some more example phrases:

“Are you obsessed with ________?  Can’t you think of something else?”

“Do you really think you can persuade me to ______?”

“You’re still hung up on _______, let’s try to move away from that and get down to the real issue.”

“Do you always side with ______?”

You can even pre-emptively defend yourself if you have a feeling they may be ready to pounce.  You can use a phrase like, “I suppose you’re going to ______ now huh?” Or, “I know you’re thinking ______, but…”

If you’re too late, you can at least act like you saw it coming.  That usually zaps some of their thunder.  Try something like, “yeah I knew you were going to say that…” or “I knew that was coming…you always do that…”

Be on the lookout for underlying messages or possible meanings.  Instead of responding to their attack, respond to one of the possible underlying messages.

Sometimes to swim with the sharks you have to be shark.  If all else fails, you can simply make up their intentions.  Making up pretend intentions is also great for play fights.  And if you’re not playing, leave some grain of truth in the attack so it sticks better.

For example, “No matter what I say it won’t change your mind because you just want to prove that he wants to leave the company,“ or “I’m not going to sit here and come up with some examples that might satisfy you, when we both know that you don’t care about civil rights at all…” Both of these casts some doubt on your attacker and also forces them to defend your claim.

How would you respond?

Or what if a friend asks you, “Why are you always so defensive?”

The last thing you should say to either of these statements is, “I didn’t mess up!” or “I am not being defensive!”

At any point in a conversation, someone may intentionally focus the attention on you – and not always in a good way.  Someone may scold you, taunt you, or even ask a seemingly innocent – but loaded – question.  There will often be pressure to give a response – especially if there is an audience involved. In other words, a spotlight – or target – could shine on you at any moment.

Targets are sometimes hard to recognize to the untrained eye – they can at first appear innocent and so you may just respond without much thought.  Too often, responding directly to the target is a trap and has no good outcome.

Bullies often test the waters to see if you’ll react.  If you do react how they were hoping, they know they’ve found an easy target.   When the bully has you in his sights, and when the target is on your head, your goal should be to get it off of yourself as soon as possible.

It is critical that you become proficient at dodging and controlling targets. 

Let’s look at the aforementioned example.  Maybe you and a team of co-workers had just finished a project that failed to achieve the necessary goals.  Another co-worker learns of the projects failure and says to you, “You really messed up this time didn’t you?”  Rather than looking at all possible explanations, the attacker simply places the blame (the target) on you.  Your goal is to quickly dodge the target or place it elsewhere.  What if you said, “No I didn’t…it wasn’t my fault…” The attacker could then say, “But you were heavily involved with the project…”  And you might respond with, “I didn’t mess up the project though…I did what I was supposed to do…” and the attacker could say, “Well apparently, what you were supposed to do wasn’t good enough…”

The problem with this response is that the target remained on you the whole time!  And even worse, you are both arguing about how badly you messed up the project.  That’s not a good argument to be involved in.

Most attacks are based on a specific assumption or premise.  If you respond by accepting the assumption or premise, then you’re going to have a hard time keeping a good position.  Try not to allow them to define what the issue is about.  In this case, the attacker assumed a few things; first, that it was your fault, and second, that the project was a complete failure to begin with.  You could change the psychological dynamic of the conversation to make it work in your favor (as much as possible).   Either move the target away to someone else, or dodge the target entirely.

Let’s look at some alternative responses to place the target elsewhere:

Try introducing an assumption that puts you in a better position and puts them on the defensive,  “You know, maybe if you offered to help us these past few months, we wouldn’t have been in this position.”  This phrase puts the target squarely on their head.  Now it’s their turn to play defense.

Or simply reflect the target back on them, “This project isn’t really any of your business…”

Or if you know some information about them, you could try, “Maybe you should worry about your own projects…I hear the XYZ project is already behind schedule…”

You could also not accept assumption that the project was a failure:

“Actually, we accomplished most of our goals…the problems occurred after the deadline was pushed up…there was only so much we could do with that timeline.”

You could also not accept the assumption that it was your fault:

“Just for your information, there were five people on the team, and we all contributed…there were some internal issues that you don’t know about.”

“I’m not going to sit here and try to place blame on any one person, we are a team…”

Sometimes, it is necessary to quickly clear your name, and saying the “It wasn’t my fault” response is fine, as long as your next few phrases move the target elsewhere.

Sometimes, the premise is easy to spot, and sometimes it’s tucked behind additional phrases that can distract you.   Always be aware of what the attack is really about – sometimes the attacker throws other phrases at you as distraction.  The Presupposition Rule examines subterfuge tactics in more detail.

Remember, look for opportunities to use a “You” statement instead of an “I” statement.