I don’t know if he is oblivious to my pain or if he is just afraid to go there (conversation). Some times I am so frustrated. So alone. So scared of a future where everything is so broken and dark and scary.

I decided last night that I need a break from Candy Crush. It was making me tense, raising my blood pressure, and I was near (literal) tears when it told me I had failed. Again.

Josiah and I watched Safe Haven last night. Really good movie. I won’t give away the story line but there was some background tension. I felt it in my neck through the whole movie and I was physically shaking afterwards. I think I am living on the edge too much of the time and it takes little or nothing to push me over.

I woke up during the night last night have some weird “headaches.” It was like I could see, hear, and feel lightning sizzling in my brain. Never had one of those before.  Halfway expected to wake up dead this morning.

Sorry … just having a broken day …

Broken is a post written by Beth Zimmerman . Please consider visiting the post, on Masterpiece - created to love people and bring glory to God, to leave a comment and find similar content. I'd love to connect with you on my Facebook Profile, Facebook Page, or Twitter Thanks! Beth

I picked Erica up and we headed off to get her registered for the Sober Living House. I don’t think she stopped talking the whole time we were in the car. I did a LOT of biting my tongue!

First she was telling me about a recent conversation with her parole officer in which that woman told her that some time in prison might be what she needed since she seems to believe that the rules are for everyone else and don’t apply to Erica. I bit my tongue and raised an eyebrow as she continued, “I told her I’d heard that speech before.” Um yeah … most of her life! She followed up with a noncommittal ”maybe everyone’s right,” and kept on rolling.

The one that really gets me, and she repeats it every time I talk to her, is a speech about how the root of her problems is a failure to put her own needs ahead of everyone else. The girl believes this crap! I won’t deny that she was swept away by unwise friendships and bad relationships but she entered those relationships with her eyes wide open. Often with us screaming “what are you doing,” in the background! And when she separated from the fathers of her children, we advised her to seek full custody, and she refused because she “deserved her own life and some free time.” I think her problem is rooted in the fact that she doesn’t see anyone’s needs BUT her own!

But therein lies the root of all sin. Wanting whatever I think is best, most convenient, or most comfortable for me, regardless of whether it’s right or wrong or if it hurts someone else! And we are all prone to that temptation. It is only love that allows us to see, and prioritize, others.

I don’t know what the future holds for this girl. I love her but she is not the same person she was when she left our home as a young adult. Life and loss have hurt her. Drugs have damaged her. I don’t know if she can be healed and restored. I know God is capable of that miracle and we will keep praying for it! But He works in surrendered lives and she’s not there yet.

Thanks for praying with us.

Biting My Tongue is a post written by Beth Zimmerman . Please consider visiting the post, on Masterpiece - created to love people and bring glory to God, to leave a comment and find similar content. I'd love to connect with you on my Facebook Profile, Facebook Page, or Twitter Thanks! Beth

image courtesy of Bill Frymire

 

My husband and I have grown weary of our adult daughter calling ONLY when she needs something. And to be honest … I guess I blame her for at least part of the stress that we have been through in the past couple of years. Having your child make such destructive choices makes you question who you are as a person and what you did as a parent. We know that she is responsible for her own choices. But some times the inner voices taunt us and tell us that it’s our fault.

Several months ago her parole officer told her that she needed to go to a halfway house. She was determined to avoid that. She told her parole officer she was living at home. The p.o. came by and asked. I told her the truth. She wasn’t. Then she somehow managed to get an apartment and I guess she thought that would suffice. She called a week or so ago panicked because they had told her she was out of time. She could go to a halfway house, as required, or she could go to prison.

She called my husband yesterday and told him that she needed $325 to move into the halfway house. She doesn’t have the money and if she doesn’t move in by this weekend she will be in violation of her parole and be sent to prison. Part of me thinks … so be it! Yet another part knows that I can’t do that! Well … I probably could. I know though that Bert cannot.

Among other problems … we don’t have spare cash! I haven’t even been able to pay all the bills yet this month! And I need that $325 to make the car insurance payment! But we agreed, with some help from Josiah, to loan her the money so she can move in. However … we also agreed that this is all we can give her! There is a weekly charge to be able to stay at the residence and we cannot, and will not, cover it!

I was going to go to the bank and pick up cash for Bert to take to her. Josiah came in and said that he didn’t want us to give her cash. (Which I understand! I have said the same thing on numerous occasions!) If he was going to provide the money … he wanted it paid directly to the facility. And I’m the only one available to go so I will take her tomorrow and give them the money.

I expressed some frustration because she only calls when she needs something. Also I have offered to pay her to help with housework, yard work, cleaning out our sheds, etc. She never shows up. Like I said … there is part of me that wants her to start facing the consequences of her choices. And I said so.

A few minutes later, Josiah, my tenderhearted son, came into the living room and told me that there is nothing in Erica’s life to indicate that she has been saved. (Christian) And if she died tonight … she would go to Hell. Therefore we must take every single opportunity we have to speak love, mercy, forgiveness, grace, and truth into her life!

He’s right. And in my focus on how offended and hurt I am … perhaps I am not as loving as God calls me to be. But this part of my life … it just isn’t easy!

Justice and Mercy is a post written by Beth Zimmerman . Please consider visiting the post, on Masterpiece - created to love people and bring glory to God, to leave a comment and find similar content. I'd love to connect with you on my Facebook Profile, Facebook Page, or Twitter Thanks! Beth

I have sat down to this empty text box several times this week. Just can’t seem to find words … or energy. I have allowed myself to slip back into a few bad habits, or out of good ones, and I need to find a way to change that.

I came home from church, and lunch with friends, on Sunday and changed into shorts and a t-shirt. I was still wearing them this morning when I FORCED myself to go take a shower. Such is life with depression (some times). Too much work to change into pajamas, bathe, put on clean clothes, etc. But like I said … I forced myself through it, took a shower, and put on clean clothes. I will make good choices again tomorrow. I promise.

I allowed myself to get addicted to Coke Zero again. Really bad thing about that is that I am convinced that aspartame is responsible for the majority of my (non-tension) headaches. I have got to give the stuff up again! This isn’t going to be pretty! I drank the last Coke Zero in the house yesterday so I have 24 hours down. The next 48 will probably be rough but then it becomes more a matter of choice rather than addictive “need.” I just better remember this next time I am tempted to indulge!

The other habits that I have slid back into are late nights of TV and internet, followed by sleeping in, and eating wrong. I allowed myself some “leeway” during BlissDom, and a visit with my parents, and I can’t seem to pull it back together. I’m eating sugars and grains (both major no nos) and I am not exercising. I have got to get back to water aerobics and some strength training!

I know! I know! The caffeine, in the soda, is interfering with my sleep! And eating wrong, no exercise, and poor sleep, mess with my depression! I think I need a keeper!

I have already given up the soda. I will eat right as soon as we buy groceries. And I will go back to the YMCA next week if it kills me!

Bad Habits is a post written by Beth Zimmerman . Please consider visiting the post, on Masterpiece - created to love people and bring glory to God, to leave a comment and find similar content. I'd love to connect with you on my Facebook Profile, Facebook Page, or Twitter Thanks! Beth

A few years ago we needed to buy a new vacuum cleaner. I, always looking for the most efficient way to do my work (more time to blog), wanted a Dyson. Hubby, with an eye on the budget, picked up a Eureka, at Sam’s, for $69.95. He thought it “looked like a Dyson.”

The first time I used it, it did a pretty good job. But I still wanted my Dyson and I grew increasingly frustrated with this machine’s full dirt cup, filthy air filter, and progressively less effective suction.

This past Saturday I was home alone and determined to get my house really clean.  One of my self-assigned tasks would be vacuuming. I sat down with my non-Dyson to dump the dirt cup before vacuuming and sighed in frustration as buts of dust and hair filled the air and covered the carpet around the trash can. I tried to pull as much debris as possible off the filter before wedging the dirt cup back into position. As I sat glaring at my assorted vacuum cleaner parts, I noticed some directions written inside the machine … behind the collection cup.

1. Thoroughly wash and dry filter screen and foam filter ring. Regularly.

2. Replace air filter every 6 months.

3. etc.

So as I said, I’ve owned this thing for years and never even considered washing the parts! (A natural housekeeper I am NOT!) I wonder if you have to do that with a Dyson? And I had never even considered replacing the air filter. I wasn’t going to go to the store to buy a new filter at that moment but I did figure I could at least attempt to clean the innards of the offensive machine.

I knocked the air filter against the edge of the trash can until it stopped dispensing dust and debris. YUCK! Then I took the filter screen (a metallic mesh cone) and foam filter to the kitchen sink to wash them. I ran hot water over the filter screen and it rinsed clean fairly quickly. Next I held the foam filter under running hot water and watched in disgust as the water flowed, in a steady black stream, from my hand and disappeared down the garbage disposal. I would periodically squeeze the foam to get more filth out of it. I’m not sure how long it took. I wouldn’t have believe a little foam ring could hold that much dirt. Finally the water was running clear so I squeezed the foam firmly to get it as dry as possible and then left the pieces on the counter to air dry. An hour or so later I put my little Eureka machine back together and proceeded to vacuum.

I couldn’t believe the difference it made in the results to start with a clean vacuum cleaner! It was able to work far better and pulled a lot more dirt out of the carpets. I actually enjoyed walking on them barefoot for the next couple of days!

Don’t get me wrong … I still want a Dyson! But at least now I know what it takes to get this wannabe to do a halfway decent job! If your vacuum cleaner isn’t working as well as you would like … you might want to consider reading the directions! =) And clean the filters!

But I Wanted a Dyson is a post written by Beth Zimmerman . Please consider visiting the post, on Masterpiece - created to love people and bring glory to God, to leave a comment and find similar content. I'd love to connect with you on my Facebook Profile, Facebook Page, or Twitter Thanks! Beth

I waged a war against infertility throughout my 20s. Accepted that God had a right to plan a different life for me, when I was 30, and had my one and only baby 3 days before my 31st birthday. I wrote about that journey, here, on Natasha’s blog. Today I want to share with you another story on the same topic.

I’m not sure anyone, who hasn’t been there, can imagine what it is like to face infertility … for a full decade … while all of your friends and siblings have baby after baby. What it does to your heart to read of abandoned, and aborted, pregnancies, when you face one negative test after another. How it feels to go to baby showers, and work in church nurseries, wondering if it will ever be your turn!

There was a period of time in which just seeing a pregnant woman sent me into something too close to rage. I ranted and railed against a God who would taunt me with dreams of a future that He wouldn’t allow. I came to a place of peace and acceptance, when I came to Christ, in March of 1989. The rage was gone but a certain sadness remained. It was manageable most of the time but some days … are just hard!

I did have one baby, so technically what I had was limited fertility rather than complete infertility. I also had 2 first trimester miscarriages. One of those is the beginning of this story. It was September and Josiah was 6 years old when we found out we would have another baby and we were thrilled!  We celebrated this new life (a baby girl that we planned to name Libby) for less than 2 weeks when I realized something wasn’t right. I made an appointment at a obstetrics clinic and went in for an exam. The doctor, who had no understanding of how much I wanted this baby, calmly announced that she thought it might be an ectopic pregnancy and she wanted to do an ultrasound. She sent me back to the waiting room (full of pregnant women and new mamas) to wait for the ultrasound to be available.

I huddled in a corner of the waiting room, weeping and praying. Begging God to not make me choose to terminate this pregnancy. If they said it was ectopic and I had to have surgery … I wasn’t sure I could do it. God answered that prayer and I lost my precious baby while sitting in a waiting room full of mamas and babies. I was broken, and for a while I mourned deeply, but time and grace brought healing. At least until the following Mother’s Day.

I have several dear friends with large families so it was inevitable that one of them would have a child around the same age that “Libby” would have been. Our church was doing baby dedications on Mother’s Day and our friends asked us to stand with them as they dedicated their baby to the Lord. We were honored. I didn’t realize until I was standing there, on a stage, in an auditorium full of people, that had I not miscarried … we would be dedicating OUR baby this day! And I lost it. I stood through the dedication service with tears pouring down my face and then I ran out of the auditorium.

I don’t think our friends understood what happened and I never wanted to explain … to anyone. It hurt too much! Our friendship never fully recovered. I suspect that she thought I resented her children. I didn’t. I just mourned my own!

God is good and He restored my peace and joy after another, shorter, period of mourning! He gave me a vision of my baby girl in Jesus lap. And because I KNOW that she is a soul created by God … I believe I will see her, and hold her for the first time, when I get home to Heaven!

This Mother’s Day … please be aware of those among you with empty arms! The ones mourning the deaths of children gone too soon. And the ones mourning the death of their own dreams! Both are incredibly hard and the mourning is deep and painful!

As to my “knowing” that this baby was a girl … I “knew” that Josiah would be a boy and I was right. Somehow I also “knew” that this child was a girl. If I’m wrong … I suspect that the boy will forgive me for always thinking of him as Libby. =)

Mother’s Day and Infertility is a post written by Beth Zimmerman . Please consider visiting the post, on Masterpiece - created to love people and bring glory to God, to leave a comment and find similar content. I'd love to connect with you on my Facebook Profile, Facebook Page, or Twitter Thanks! Beth

There is a huge quilt show, in Kansas, every year that starts Mother’s Day weekend and runs through the following week. My sister-in-law, from Pennsylvania, is a quilter and is on the Board of Directors so she and her husband spend every Mother’s Day weekend in Kansas. Kansas is closer than Pennsylvania and my husband loves his sister so he too spends every Mother’s Day weekend in Kansas.

I think I hate Kansas!

I have asked, several times, if I can please go. For 5 years it wasn’t possible because I needed to work. This year he says “no” because they will be doing a lot of walking … which I can’t do. I would be okay staying in the hotel room while they explore Wichita but I suppose that would be awkward to everyone else.

Things have been better lately. He even walked past my recliner and “tweaked my toes” yesterday. (That’s one of the little things that I never noticed until it didn’t happen anymore. A friendly touch as he walked by me.) And yet my insecurities are still in overdrive.

I am choosing to believe that he isn’t lying to me anymore. But there is still a voice in my head, or heart, that is hollering that he says I can’t go because he doesn’t want me there. Or worse yet … that seeing his sister is a cover story for something else. Something worse …

I know, that given the path we have been on for the past couple of years, that it is normal for me to feel this way. And if we were in a better place … I would talk to him about it. Try to make him understand. I don’t feel like I can do that. Either he would “let me go” and I would feel awkward and resented all weekend or (more likely) he would leave alone as planned, with both of us feeling broken and hopeless all weekend long. Lose. Lose.

So I talk to you instead. And I continue to pray for healing. And I choose to trust … because if I decide I can’t do that anymore … it will be the beginning of the end!

Mother’s Day is a post written by Beth Zimmerman . Please consider visiting the post, on Masterpiece - created to love people and bring glory to God, to leave a comment and find similar content. I'd love to connect with you on my Facebook Profile, Facebook Page, or Twitter Thanks! Beth

I sat down with Brandi Jeter, of Collective Bias and Mama Knows It All, for a blog critique. I wrote about that here. I’ll wait if you want to go read it real quick.

{Cue Jeopardy Music …}

After I decided to follow Brandi’s advice, focus on this blog, and put the other one on hiatus, I set about trying to move my followers from there to here. I knew, from previous experience, that I could ask you to slide on over and some of you would do it. But others are, like me, procrastinators, and you would get lost in the shuffle. Moving the mail people was easy! Those of you who subscribe in a reader … not so much! I couldn’t figure it out so I wrote to Feedblitz Support and asked them for help. And some time yesterday afternoon … it happened! So even if you were subscribed only to Beth Zimmerman … you now get Masterpiece because it’s my only blog. At least for a while. Although BlogLovin seems a bit confused as to which blog to assign my posts to which may just be because they are duplicates.

One of the things that was driven home to us at the Conference was the importance of having a way to contact our audience by email. Only about 1/8 of my subscribers are currently using the email subscription option and I would like to know if there is anything I can do to improve that. I created a super-quick 5 question survey that I would truly appreciate your feedback on. It should take you about 30 seconds to complete. Thank you in advance! Click here to take survey

Are You Wondering How You Got Here? is a post written by Beth Zimmerman . Please consider visiting the post, on Masterpiece - created to love people and bring glory to God, to leave a comment and find similar content. I'd love to connect with you on my Facebook Profile, Facebook Page, or Twitter Thanks! Beth

I’ll write more about SoFabCon in days to come but for today I am inspired to write a post motivated by the closing keynote. Jasmine Banks, of Just Jasmine, planned and coordinated much of SoFabCon (while taking grad school finals … the woman is a beast) and discovered last minute that the speaker scheduled for the closing keynote (J.C. Little of The Animated Woman) was not allowed to cross the Canadian border. Since transporting 300 bloggers from Arkansas to Canada was not an option … Jasmine decided to share her story with us. Honestly … I think it was meant to be! A perfect closing keynote for an amazing weekend! Reinforcement of the Social Fabric message to discover and embrace our own voice and our own story. I walked away determined to rewrite my About Me/Welcome page. Here’s my story …

My mother sent me an email, after reading one of my blog posts, to correct some of the details. I probably made a mistake when I responded that if my kids decided to write their stories … I hoped I would be wise enough to not read them. As far as I know … Mom hasn’t read my blog since then. I’m sorry about that and one of these days I need to say so. But here’s the thing …

This is my story, in my words, and from my point of view. I may totally misinterpret the intentions or attitudes of the people whose lives intersect with mine. I may remember events differently than they actually occurred. I might remember words that weren’t actually spoken or not remember words that were said. I’m not intentionally rewriting my history. Just sharing it from my perspective.

There are several huge gaps in my memory. I don’t know what hides in those places. Most of them are from my childhood and teens but there are some from my adulthood. I think that perhaps those are the times when I was living in the pit of (undiagnosed and untreated) depression and the blank spots are to prevent me from revisiting despair. I have given up on trying to fill in those blanks.

For some reason, it has always been easier for me to share, even the hard parts of, my story, online. Perhaps the computer screen provides a layer of protection that I need in order to share my heart. Whatever the reason … I have found compassion and acceptance from my readers and so I continue to share even when some would caution that I share too much!

On the day that I write this I am morbidly obese and battling severe arthritis that leaves me close to immobile. My husband and I are trying to reconnect and salvage our badly broken marriage. 33 years will not be thrown away lightly but it is neither pretty nor inspirational right now. My oldest stepson has announced that he no longer wants to be part of our family and we are not to contact him. My stepdaughter has spent time in jail on drug charges and is struggling to get back on her feet and reconnect with her children. My youngest son (23) wants to be a career missionary in the Middle East. We are in debt, up to our eyebrows, and struggle to just pay the basics. My dining room holds a treadmill and a home gym so we never eat at the table. One wall of my master bedroom is filled (floor to ceiling) with boxes filled with “deal with this later.”  In a lot of ways I feel that I, a control addict, have lost control of my life!  But …

I choose to have hope. I choose to grasp hold of joy. I choose to believe that God has a good plan … to prosper and not to harm me!

This is me … and what you will read here is my story. Thank you for listening!

This Is Me is a post written by Beth Zimmerman . Please consider visiting the post, on Masterpiece - created to love people and bring glory to God, to leave a comment and find similar content. I'd love to connect with you on my Facebook Profile, Facebook Page, or Twitter Thanks! Beth

I spent this past weekend in Rogers, Arkansas, at SoFabCon. It was totally divine intervention that got me there because I hadn’t even heard of Collective Bias or Social Fabric a month ago! I won a ticket to the conference, and a gift card that would pay for my room, and then found a couple of girls willing to share their room. Rachel, of Bubbly Nature Creations, put up with my allergy induced snoring, and Natalie, of Great Contradictions, slept on the hide-a-bed so I could have the real bed. They were both a fabulous introduction to the Social Fabric Community!

The weekend started with a cocktail party, at Crystal Bridges Museum, hosted by Kraft. The evening was cold and rainy but we were offered a courtesy shuttle with door to door service so we had minimal exposure to the drizzle. There was a hum of chatter, all around me, as we drove from our hotel to the museum. I mostly stared out the window at the rain, the gorgeous green trees, and abundant paths and trails that might even inspire ME to take up running! Northwest Arkansas is beautiful! Even in the rain!

We arrived at the museum, where we were led to an awe inspiring, glass conference room overlooking water and woods. Beyond beautiful. I stood there, biting my lip, trying not to panic, as crowds of “strangers” surged around me. I don’t know if Sandy, of Organize with Sandy, saw my deer in the headlights look or if she is just naturally exuberant, but she called me by name (I was NOT wearing a name tag and I cannot fully express how welcome it made me feel to have person after person know who I was and call me by name), recognized that I was new to the group, and began introducing me to others. I lost my panic and began to enjoy myself.

I won’t even try to comment on, or tag, everyone I met because I am not great at names and I don’t want to forget anyone precious but I will tell you that this was one of the warmest, and most welcoming, crowds I have ever been in! And they have a LOT of fun together! From hog calls (Arkansas Razorbacks) to Awkward Stretching (you’d have to be there) and beyond!

I maintained my teetotaler status and enjoyed the buffet of “fancy snacks”. (No idea how to spell hors doerves.) I discovered that I am not a fan of hummus but I love fingerling potatoes roasted in olive oil and sea salt. I also REALLY like figs with honey.

It was still raining when we returned to our hotel around 9:00 and we wondered if there would really be snow on the ground when we got up the next morning.

Tune in tomorrow to find out …

SoFabCon Begins is a post written by Beth Zimmerman . Please consider visiting the post, on Masterpiece - created to love people and bring glory to God, to leave a comment and find similar content. I'd love to connect with you on my Facebook Profile, Facebook Page, or Twitter Thanks! Beth