KillSomeTime.com: Recent Jokes

Silicone Enhances Everything

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 12:00:00 UT

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?" Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

Taking Her With Me

Sat, 08 Jun 2013 14:26:29 UT

Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different." "The last few years I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii and my wife got pregnant." "Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas and my wife got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob says, "This year, I'm taking my wife with me..."

Always Keep Your Condoms In Your Car

Thu, 23 May 2013 13:00:00 UT

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnt overcome and didnt really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldnt say a word. She said, Im going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me. I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldnt ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

Pulling out

Mon, 13 May 2013 13:50:00 UT

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldnt think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said,"Yes she did." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time."

Whorehouse

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 14:34:16 UT

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

Moms Balloons

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 15:15:00 UT

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" Johnny says, "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

FBI Hiring Interview

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 15:09:25 UT

The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her." The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..." The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

Ashes To Ashes

Sat, 23 Mar 2013 15:00:28 UT

This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them... "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." "You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."

Blonde Joke One Liners

Sat, 16 Mar 2013 15:15:16 UT

Q. How does a blonde interpret 6.9? A. A 69 interrupted by a period. Q. Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A. So her male would get delivered to the right box. Q. If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? A. The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions. Q. What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease? A. Her IQ goes up! Q. What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde? A. A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys. Q. What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common? A. Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter. Q. What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date? A. If you're not in bed by 12, come home. Q. What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A. Change. Q. How does a blonde moon walk? A. She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor! Q. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? A. Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do. Q. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month? A. Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds." Q. Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A. Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. Q. What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? A. "Nice tits!" Q. How does a blonde high-5? A. She smacks herself in the forehead. Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours? A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. Q. Why do blondes have legs? A1. So they don't get stuck to the ground. A2. To get between the bedroom and the kitchen. A3. So they don't leave trails, like little snails. Q. What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station? A. The Air Pump! Q. Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor? A. She thought it was pregnant because missed a period. Q. How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? A. Flattered. Q. Why do blondes always die before help arrives? A. They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1". Q. What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? A. Last year's hide and seek champ.

Tricking a Nun

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 15:38:26 UT

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! " The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"