Cheap Wireless Plans are like unicorns, a very rare and magical concept, something people dream about these days. And you bet the Schuplin household could stand to have some unicorns… err… cheap wireless plans in their life!  Our better late than never California honeymoon is happening this fall and that means it’s time to fill the piggy bank with all of the change we can scrounge up! For the record, we are going on our honeymoon around our third anniversary.

Our two line family plan runs us about $140 for the bare minimum minute plan because we both have a data plan, YOWZA! That is so not a cheap wireless plan, althought my data is an unlimited plan! I mean it when I say bare minimum… I talk on the phone less than I shower, and you guys know I only shower twice a week. I remember asking  Michael over and over again if there was a way to drop the minutes and pay the man less so I could shop more. Yes, to shop more because I clearly don’t have enough clothes, shoes, and gadgets in my life. (Drip, drip, dripping with sarcasm.)

Gone are my days of laying on the couch listening to my boyfriend breathe while we ‘talked’ on the phone, and at the same time, preventing the household from using our stone age dial up internet. My phone’s life purpose is to send text messages, hoard unread voicemails, and take selfies for Instagram. I mean, who doesn’t have a catalog of selfies and random meals?

Exactly.

Start working out your nimble fingers because text and picture messages are unlimited with Walmart Family Mobile! Now don’t worry a ton about your data usage because you get 1GB at 3G speeds and you can purchase a ‘boost’ if you need more data usage. Coming from a social media junkie who carries her phone in her sports bra if she doesn’t have pockets, 1GB of data is plenty for an everyday internet-a-holic. I went over the data provided on this cheap wireless plan because of SoFabCon and traveling due to my grandma’s death, AKA not everyday occurrences.

Don’t forget you can activate your phone service right in the store. The sales associate simply called the number for me and got my phone all set up.

Let’s talk about cheap wireless plans because #FamilyMobileSaves

The post Are Cheap Wireless Plans Possible? appeared first on Horrible Housewife.

“you should rinse the dishes after they go through the dishwasher, like my mom does.”

The post Welcome to My Fellow Dishwasher OCD Friends appeared first on Horrible Housewife.

Summer fashion has hit the blog, THIS blog! And no, you don’t have to adjust your screen resolution because I’m not playin‘. Getting dressed is the newest crazy concept I am trying on for size (ba-dum-tshh) and it isn’t as painful as one would think. Well… it is because I have to do a hundred million things to qualify as summer fashion, but it isn’t painful like burning your hand on the stove, painful. Make sense?

And this is where I pause the story for you to clean the wine you just spewed at the screen up.

Summer fashion, to me, means yoga pants and a sports bra, versus yoga pants and a sweatshirt. You might think that is splitting hairs but I am sure 95% of my fellow housewives can sympathize with that.

Amiright, or amiright?

I thought so.

 You don’t want to miss my summer fashion video because I give you permission to shop weekly!

Ehoh! Cheers to my mad shopping enabling skills!

The shopping part is really the only reason I can stomach the hours of prep it takes to be a girl. Who has time for plucking, shaving, blow drying, and EVERYTHING else that comes with having a vagina? I want to be a dude on days like this. I’m serious, a done in 30 minutes kind of dude.
I have a confession… I like to wear shirts that show what little I have left of my goodies. What of it? I spend an outrageous amount of money at Victoria’s Secret and need to get what I paid for! (Now if only postpartum wouldn’t have forced me into the super duper push up bra!)

How did I get sidetracked with my love of cleavage?

Getting back on topic with my tip, use straight pins to keep yourself from flashing the world! I pop it in and BOOM, that shirt ain’t goin’ anywhere!

Maybe if you are nice I will get dressed again next week. Maybe. I’m not making any promises. Nope. No promises so you can’t hold me accountable. You can’t make me.

The post Summer Fashion For the Modern Day & Lazy Housewife appeared first on Horrible Housewife.

Super foods or fast food?

Bloating or regular bowel movements? Non-GMO, organic, vegan, gluten free or a chemical feeding frenzy? Those are serious questions to think about when you are traveling, and I realized how incredibly easy it is for that line to blur when you are the ONLY person who cares about these things in the middle of BFE Iowa. I’m talking, there was a McDonalds, Subway, and a diner by our hotel. It was awful.

Boy did I have fabulous intentions for this trip. I was a good girl and packed almonds, cashews, apples, water, and plenty of Sambazon Açaí superfood juices! For real, man, I was all about not TOTALLY blowing my lifestyle during our bereavement travel, but that was a flipping pipe dream. There weren’t any healthy pit stops, nor was there anything we could do about our hotel being IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. I wanted to cry because a person can only live on what I packed for so long. And let’s be honest, when a juicy burger is in front of you, regardless of where it is from, you want to get your grub on nom nom nom style.

*Insert artificially flavored tears here*

Do you know how I know we were in BFE Iowa? Our hotel didn’t have an elevator and it sure as heck didn’t have a refrigerator. Sigh… That meant I had to think about what I was going to do with my precious Sambazon juices. And that’s when I had a light bulb moment! (Cut a girl some slack for the lack of light bulb moments!) I could make an ice box refrigerator! Ding ding ding! What do we have for her, Johnny? 

My ice box refrigerator was a bit labor intensive but it worked. Unfortunately, my super food juices weren’t enough to keep me on track during the month long bereavement period because I sit here tonight with too many body parts thinkin‘ they are JELL-O!

Sambazon super food juices are fabulous for travel and would be great for an early morning commute when juicing really isn’t conducive to your morning routine. And since I care about your bloating, one winner will receive three free product vouchers, plus a wooden bowl and spoon valued at $45.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Disclaimer: I received this product for free from the sponsor of the Moms MeetSM program, May
Media Group LLC, who received it directly from the manufacturer. As a Moms MeetSM blogger, I
agreed to use this product and post my opinion on my blog. My opinions do not necessarily
reflect the opinions of May Media Group LLC or the manufacturer of the product. #MomsMeet

The post Don’t Leave Home Without Your Super Foods appeared first on Horrible Housewife.

Toddler says… mama

Toddler says… dada

Toddler says… hi

Toddler says… bye bye

Toddler says… gaga (grandma)

Toddler says… nana

Toddler says… cheers?

One of you guys should have given me the heads up that toddler words are like a waterfall, they come fast and don’t stop… ever. Or maybe you did warn me and I didn’t listen? That is absolutely possible.

And for the record- I swear toddler words have to be what everyone was talking about when they coined the phrase ‘diarrhea of the mouth’. I mean, do they ever stop talking? NO. Is talking better than whining? YES. Will Michael graduate high school if I blink my eyes? YES!

Ermahgerd! High school will be here before I know it! Where does the time go?

 Watch Michael’s ALMOST 2 Toddler Says video

Isn’t motherhood supposed to be about celebrating the little things in life, the moments of simplicity? I think I record most of these moments so I don’t get sent to the funny farm before my time because those days where he WON’T-STOP-WHINING are intense.

Like this week. This week I had to hide from Michael on multiple occasions because 1) he gave me a bloody nose with his truck and 2) he would whine if I wasn’t constantly holding him. (Let’s not forget he is 37+ pounds.) I’m not talking about, “‘wah, life is crappy because I don’t have my favorite pair of slippers on”. I am talking a whine like I was beating him to a pulp. A pulp I tell ya! I know you can relate to how healthy hiding was for both of us. He ended up playing by himself (minus the screams) and I vegged out on Facebook with my blogging besties. Life was peaceful for a whole 10 minutes.

I forgot the reason I was hiding from him in the first place when I watched the playback of this video. *Insert sigh of relief*

What good life stories do you have?

Check this out from Allstate Good Life.

The post Toddler Says is BACK with So Much to Say! appeared first on Horrible Housewife.

Wi-Fi cameras have always been my unicorn of photography, with good reason because a Wi-Fi camera is what you would call an enabling device for someone who is ALREADY a workaholic. And by workaholic I mean I have an upstairs and downstairs workstation. I mean I wake up to a tablet on my nightstand and have another tablet within arm’s reach while we are in the kitchen juicing. A workaholic in the sense that, I looked at our trip to Iowa as a vacation to get work done KID FREE; no toddler chores; no whiny toddler; no needy husband. Just work in the middle of Nowhere, Iowa.

Let’s just talk about the elephant in the room for a minute… selfies TOTALLY count as working when your mani/pedi is as sparkly as mine was!

Note: All pictures are from our trip to show you quality pictures really are possible when you are away from your in home studio, with just a Wi-Fi camera.

Mallery’s must haves for traveling

• Power strip.
• Chargers for everything.
• Camera.
• Tablet.
• Power inverter.
• Comfortable pants to sit indian style in.
• Hotspot.

What would you say if I told you I found the holy grail for those of us needing to work while we traveled? I’m talking Twitter parties while driving through corn fields and pictures that don’t need me to pull out a cord to upload them because I have a Wi-Fi camera.

Brace yourself because I absolutely did find what I am describing! The theme of our trip quickly became ‘let me solve your problem with one of my gadgets’ because I constantly heard things like this:

“Look this up for me.”

“Figure out where we are going.”

“What do you mean you are leaving the room? I need your hotspot!”

Gadgets make me the almighty tech goddess… until they die. When they die I go into hiding until things are charged back up because losing my tech goddess status isn’t allowed.

Confession: I refuse to own a traditional point and shoot camera because I have traveled to the dark side of photography and I’m not going back, you can’t make me! *Throws self on the ground like a 2 year old with an extra pouty face*

Check out the video to see why this Wi-Fi camera is pretty epic

• Samsung Galaxy 2- $180
• Samsung NX1100- $500-600
• Adobe Lightroom 4- $150

Except you can pick up all three for $599 at Sam’s Club! Well slap me silly & call me Shirley, that is a fabulous deal!

Okay, you can quit trying to lick the raindrops off of the vault now! If this picture doesn’t sell you on the photo quality this Wi-Fi camera is possible of producing, I don’t know what else you are looking for. The Samsung NX1100 isn’t your mama’s cell phone. This camera is going to take your selfies to the next level and save you time with the Wi-Fi capabilities. If you have a pimple, we will know. If you have fuzz on your teeth, we will hold our breath because we all know what morning breath smells like. It is just that good.

I would be remiss if I didn’t reiterate a key point from my video I haven’t really mentioned here yet: the tablet can serve as a remote control! A remote control, guys! I said the Samsung Galaxy 2 is a REMOTE CONTROL! How cool is that? It is cool enough that I got in trouble because I was sitting on the couch all day fidgeting with my new gadget. Whoopsie!

I <3 gadgets so much!

The post Wi-Fi Cameras Save the Day appeared first on Horrible Housewife.

Getting beautiful during the week can mean a couple of things:

• I want something.
• I had to go somewhere that wasn’t the gym or grocery store. (Not likely.)
• I am doing a fashion & beauty post for work.
• I screwed up because that is what I am known for. (VERY likely.)

So let me tell you how the hairstyle strategy works in my household.

I do something wrong like: yelling at him while he is at work; setting up photography stations throughout the house; not doing any chores; or breaking something. Would you believe me if I said on the day in question all of these party fouls happened? It’s true.

Now comes the hard part…

In order to reduce the severity of my dirty deed(s) I must complete the ritual of: taking a shower; putting on makeup; changing into street clothes (bonus points for jewelry); and doing something, anything, with my bedhead. I pretty much have to transform into a 1950′s housewife in order to be forgiven for my actions, or lack thereof.

And now you are wondering why anyone would fall into my hairstyle strategy trap. Trust me, I can feel your vibe all the way through the interwebz. It’s a solid strategy because when he comes home to a Stepford Wife he doesn’t know if he should be angry at me or shocked because I look put together. It really is genius. You should try it.

Fact: The only time I rock a straight hairstyle is when I go to the salon and Cortney does it because I am too lazy to round brush my own hair! I don’t even wash my hair the 3 days following a hair appointment!

Do you think round brushing mommy’s hair would count as one of the reasons people have kids? I mean, we already know a perk to being a parent is the 24/7 access to a head scratcher and a lawn mower, so why not this too? My ‘make mommy’s life easier because she sacrificed her body to birth you’ ideas are brilliant!

Back to the hairstyle

Let me attempt to bring this post back to beauty and further away from bad wives with child labor ideas. (One day I might grow up to be a true beauty blogger.) It was nearly impossible to straighten short hair with my old flat iron because it is SO wide. I was to the point of A) burning my head or B) burning my fingers, and neither option is very desirable. Thankfully my swagalicious Conair Infiniti Pro Tourmaline Ceramic Flat Iron has changed all of that!

Here is a video tutorial showing how I created my straight hairstyle in under 15 minutes

Because I know you guys are curious…

Michael came home from work and suggested my kid free work days start back up!

Strategy never fails!

The post Hairstyles to Rescue a Bad Wife appeared first on Horrible Housewife.

Why oh why was a frizz head born to a mom with straighter than straight, oily hair? Why didn’t she know how to do my hair as soon as I released my first cry? Don’t people know girly problems like frizzy hair rival how we feel about our first period?

“Excuse me? You want me to do what with that?”

I will never forget the day Cortney (hairdresser, BFF, friend since 7th grade) turned me into a real life female with the touch of her wand. It all started with a simple, “Do you want me to show you how to curl your hair?”

To which I replied, “Heck nah, curling my hair is WAY TOO much work for this lazy girl! I don’t even shower and get dressed on a daily basis!”

Little did I know of the events that would follow…

Ermahgerd! I made those curls… ALL BY MYSELF! Me. The non-girl. The laziest housewife in the entire Midwest. Surely I was dreaming because I created those curls in under 10 minutes- wet to finish.

And then the Instagram selfies started…

‘Look what I can do!’

‘Look at my new trick from a different angle!’

‘Just in case you didn’t see my new hair!’

All I can say is this- getting one step closer to my womanhood badge of honor is a big deal, yo.

Here is a quick video tutorial for the above curls.

Let’s get technical for a minute so all of the folks here for beauty, instead of non-girl rants, are satisfied. Prepare to have your mind blown:

• Conair Infiniti Pro Series hair dryer, with diffuser
• Curling iron <~ I am open to suggestions on curling irons that make my life easier.
• Redken Curvaceous- Wave Ahead
• Redken Curvaceous- Shampoo and conditioner
• Redken Wax Blast 10 High Impact Finishing Spray

At the time of my hair lesson I had this dinky Revlon dryer that took FORever to dry my hair into a frizzy mess.

How I felt about that hair dryer. ~> “This sucks. I quit!”

I wouldn’t have believed you if you told me the Conair suite at SoFabCon would have legendary swag. Swag I would willing to send my suitcase over the weight limit for. Swag that would dry my hair in… wait for it… 3.5 minutes!

This is what a mind blown sounds like. ~> “Say whaaaaat?”

So what if it took me 25 years and a blogging conference to find my inner girl. All that matters is I have arrived into my two obsessions: filling in my eyebrows and doing my hair.

The post Curls a Non-Girl Can Create in 10 Minutes appeared first on Horrible Housewife.

So, you want to breastfeed your baby? Good for you! Believe it or not, our breasts weren’t slapped on the front of us just to bring the boys to the yard, they are there to feed our babies. But don’t get me wrong… breasts do come equipped with a delightful bonus AKA stimulation! Yeeeeah buddy!

There are oodles of posts out there on how to nurse your baby. Read their tips because you are going to eat, sleep, and breath breastfeeding for the next 2 years. Oh, you want to get schmammered with the girls next weekend? There is a tip for that. But that is not what I want to talk about; I want to talk about the ‘other’ things you might not think about when it comes to breastfeeding.

When nursing babies are breastfeeding:

• You are no longer a fine dining restaurant: Your little one now demands a more lively atmosphere, turning your mammaries into a set of bongos.
• You are required to learn the ways of a contortionist: If you want your little one to fall asleep in that car seat you had better get your breast in their mouth, by any means necessary.
• Oh, you wanted to get out of bed? Too bad your little one had different morning plans! While you were snoozing your nipple became lodged in their mouth and is now guarded by their ruthless chompers.

Oh and that Boppy pillow everyone says YOU NEED TO HAVE? Now that mombo nursing pillow has been introduced to the scene the Boppy pillow is so 2005. See ya! Adios! Sayonara! Good riddance! I actually tested them side by side with Michael and mombo ended up earning a place on my baby registry must have list, and the Boppy earned a place in the basement.

What is the big deal, you ask? Listen up because I am only going to say this once- don’t waste your money on that ‘other’ pillow. Here is why I prefer the mombo nursing pillow:

• There is a firm side so your little one doesn’t slip down while still attached to your precious nipple. I don’t know about you but I adore my nipples right where they are located.
• There is a soft side so when you finally get to plop a bottle in the mouth of your little one you can put them in there and they can feed themselves comfortably. Note: This is when you should probably start brushing your teeth again.
• There is vibration: what baby doesn’t need their own personal back massager?
• Mombo is high quality: No joke. After one (very large) baby my nursing pillow isn’t a pancake like some other brands. I don’t know how to explain the pancake thing besides ‘not being squishy’.

Check out mombo for yourself: Comfort & Harmony on Facebook - Comfort & Harmony on Twitter and at Babies R Us.

The post The ‘Other’ Breastfeeding Secrets appeared first on Horrible Housewife.

The Day I Became One of Them

I will never forget the day I became ‘one of them’. I ran into the gas station on the way to a birthday party to buy a couple overpriced green juices because I didn’t get a chance to juice that morning. I sucked up the out of line price tag because I refused to get stuck with the temptation of sugary sodas surrounding me. I am strong. I will triumph over my sugary desires.

My heart beamed proud rays of “that’s my kid” as Michael ran around snatching vegetables from the food trays and annihilating pizza, all while drinking his green juice. (Pizza is included in our 20% allowance.)

Then I helped cut the cake.

It was a cake any child would love to have at their party. Heck, daddy Michael turned into a 4 year old when he saw a cake full of things we don’t have in our house. I admit I died a little inside when I realized this was the only dessert option. I thought to myself, “I should eat an all white piece because the others are chock full of food dye.”

It was at that very moment I became ‘one of them’.

I am slowly winning over my family with tasty Paleo cookies, daily juicing, and gluten free splurges. You see, I am okay with slow and steady if it means I win the overall lifestyle race. With that said, I need to admit my secret weapon that rivals ice cream. I’m not even joking, guys! Chunks O’ Fruti® makes 100% natural fruit bars that have become a staple in my household. Honest to goodness… they have replaced any trace of ice cream in our freezer.

I have found something in Fruti I never thought I would, unless I payed out the rear like I do for my Paleo ingredients. These fruit bars don’t have any additional colors or flavors because REAL fruit is the first, and main, ingredient AKA no high fructose corn syrup (HFCS). Give it up for all natural food where the fruit & water-based bars are verified by the Non-GMO Project! *Insert round of applause*

Guess what, I didn’t have to trek down to Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods to purchase our Fruti bars! Kudos to Sam’s Club for trying to offer better options for families with different food requirements. The box is even separated into smaller ones so we can shove them in between all of our frozen chicken.

And now my journey for more delectable finds to share with my oh-so-skeptical family continues.

Although I am a member of the Collective Bias®  Social Fabric® Community, I was NOT compensated (or asked) to write a post about Chunks O’ Fruti®. I wanted to share my born again eating habits with you so you could be just as shocked as I was.

The post The Day I Became One of Them appeared first on Horrible Housewife.