Hollow Tree Ventures

Monopoly for Moms

2013-05-22T08:34:00.002-04:00

I believe you're well aware of how I feel about family game night - SuperFun family togetherness!

In theory.

In reality, it's often a never-ending Whine Fest. Sometimes I'm not even the only one whining.

In terms of family game night suckage, it's widely agreed that Monopoly is the worst game ever invented - easily twice as bad as Old Maid and lawn darts combined, which at least would have some potential to be entertaining. In the history of family game night, only three entire games of Monopoly have been seen through to their 15-hour marathon completion, and in zero of those cases did anyone care one iota about who won by the time it was over.

Pro tip: When deep in the throes of Monopoly, you can often end the agony by paying fellow players all your money just to take your properties off your hands, if you have any, which I usually don't.

But I have a theory - maybe if they made the game more relatable, I'd be able to tolerate it a little better. I probably still couldn't stand it long enough to finish a whole game, but maybe at least long enough to get all the way around the table once so everyone gets a turn before I swipe all the Scotty dogs and top hats onto the floor in a dramatic hissy fit and declare, "Screw this! Game over."

My family might be spared that scene if, while my pewter shoe tapped its way around the board, I knew I might land on some of these new properties. Instead of arbitrary rent amounts at places I've never been, these familiar locations would make any mom feel right at home.

And let's not forget those Chance and Community Chest cards. Paying everyone $50 because I got elected Chairman of the Board? Getting out of jail free? Bank error in my favor? I don't even know what those things are. Most moms would feel a little more connected to the game with cards like these:

See? Much better. I'd almost be willing to play this version of Monopoly... as long as I don't have to be the thimble.

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As The Dollhouse Turns: Laundry Day

2013-05-19T20:00:00.000-04:00

Episode 21:

Sunny looks up from the computer, where she's been hard at work all afternoon paying bills and updating her 401k investment plan.

What? Oh all right, she's been blogging.

Okay, fine, she's been on Facebook. Sheesh. In any case, she notices that some of the household chores have been slightly neglected. Like the laundry, for example.

Dammit.

Which reminds her, she meant to whip up a batch of that organic, hypoallergenic, inexpensive DIY laundry detergent that Maggie told her about. She hops onto Pinterest really quick to find the recipe.

Three hours later...

Dammit!

She sets about collecting the dirty clothes. Although there are laundry baskets conveniently located directly adjacent to every single square inch in the house where someone might take their clothes off, the laundry seems to be everywhere besides the baskets.

Grrr... dammit.

Sunny yells the fiftieth Last Warning to the girls. "I'm doing laundry! If there's something you need to have clean, you'd better bring it to me NOW!"

"I can get this all in one trip, no problem."

Sunny starts to sort the heaps of clothes into lights, darks, delicates, towels, things that should be dry cleaned but won't be, things that should be pre-treated but won't be, and random junk that falls out of the kids' pockets. Halfway through, she has a better idea.

New rule: If it fits into the washer, it's a load.

Why won't these fit? Oh, there's the problem - the washer's already full with a damp, mildewed load she forgot to move to the dryer last week.

Just as she starts the machine, reasoning that a blend of cold/hot laundry should do just fine averaged out into a single warm wash, Charmeuse walks in.

"Hey Mom, can you wash this jersey for me? I have a game in 20 minutes and this is my only uniform."

Sunny determines this is an important Teaching Moment - it's high time Charmeuse learned to be considerate and to plan ahead!

Then she remembers why Charmeuse only has one uniform - Sunny ruined the others one time when she got the fabric softener confused with the gel bleach. So she changes her mind and determines that instead, this is an important Teaching Moment about how to freshen laundry up with a spritz of Febreze and a quick tumble in the dryer.

"It's just like clean, without the hassle of cleaning!"

Crisis averted, Sunny irons some of Buzz's shirts. Unfortunately, she's a little out of practice.

DAMMIT!

Oh well, she'll just fold it up and put it on the bottom of his stack of shirts in the closet - he'll never notice.

"Uh-oh, looks like I'm running low on salmon-colored cardigans..."

Finally, an entire cycle of laundry is finished - well, sort of. She still has to fold the clothes, including the unwieldy fitted sheets, the kids' inside-out pants, and her prized collection of matching white towels that may or may not have fallen into her suitcase the last time she was traveling.

Don't judge! There were no mints on the pillows -
that hotel owed me some towels.

That's a lot of work, but Sunny's relieved the folding is all done.

Bing!

What? The dryer was still running?!? How many more towels are there to fold?

"Next time, I'll stick to just stealing the shampoo."

Whew! Now she's finished.

Almost.

She suddenly realizes she forgot to put detergent in one of the loads - but does she really feel like tracking down all the clothes she just folded and put away so she can rewash them? That's a solid "probably not." For now, she's just going to relax, rest her eyes, and enjoy the fact that - for the time being, anyway - the laundry is almost completely sort of clean.

Ahhh...

Seconds later, Sunny opens her eyes to a most unwelcome surprise.

DAMMIT!!!

I'd feel sorry for Sunny, if I could see her over this pile of laundry.

Thanks for joining us for another episode of As The Dollhouse Turns! You can see previous episodes here, and be sure to check out more dollhouse fun on the As The Dollhouse Turns Facebook page!

Comments

Have you been spying on me? I NEVER separate, re... by One Classy Motha
My girls are terrible dirty clothing creators. ev... by Les Botchar
I like to think my closet could be that tidy if I ... by Robyn of HollowTreeVentures http://www.hollowtreeventures.com/
I absolutely ADORE stalker-ish love! I try not to ... by Robyn of HollowTreeVentures http://www.hollowtreeventures.com/
How sweet of you - thanks for being here! by Robyn of HollowTreeVentures http://www.hollowtreeventures.com/
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a calorie counter for moms

2013-05-13T10:16:00.000-04:00

I've come to terms with the fact that I lack the motivation and will power required to successfully diet.

However, as the numbers on my bathroom scale continue to edge upwards, to the point I've started getting them confused with the national debt of Bolivia,* I decided at the very least I would keep track of what I'm shoveling into my pie hole on a daily basis. My plan? To discover one highly-caloric item that I don't even really like, which I could subsequently cut from my grocery list and, as a result, effortlessly lose enough weight that people won't call the Humane Society when I try to wear a swimsuit this summer.

*Assuming Bolivia has a national debt - I don't know. I'm not interested in researching global economy unless I can work it into a boob joke.

Of course it didn't work that way. The first day, I entered all the foods I ate into my iPhone app and it became clear there was NOTHING I could reasonably eliminate from my menu, despite the fact that I was approximately 8 skidillion calories over my allotted daily budget.

Eventually it got easier, and now I've dropped about five pounds! I don't feel or look any different though, so the logical assumption is that my will to live must've weighed five pounds, because it's the only thing I know I've lost for sure. That's just Science, people.

Yet I soldier on, because I love a challenge and also I miss pants with non-elastic waistbands. However, I've found that locating foods in the app's inventory and calculating the quantity is next to impossible - because no, I don't know how many teaspoons of sunflower seeds were on the salad I just ate. I wasn't counting them, you stupid phone, I was eating. Duh. Why must you make this so difficult? Huh? WHY? I hate you!

I'm sorry phone, I don't mean that. That was the hunger talking.

Anyway, these apps seem to be designed for people who know the difference between Asian pears and Bartlett pears, who plan meals in advance, using scales and calipers to measure their portions, and that just doesn't fit the busy lifestyle of a mom, nor the lazy lifestyle of this lazy mom. So I decided what I need, besides a Twinkie, is an updated list of foods, in more realistic quantities. Forget ounces and tablespoons and 500 different kinds of lettuce - to make this whole non-diet diet easier to manage, here's what I want to be able to search for:

I think that's a good start! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to update my calorie-counting app. You get credit for exercise, and I feel certain that typing this blog post burned off enough calories for me to inhale a few more Oreos.

Comments

No kidding! I mark it a success if I can even mana... by Robyn of HollowTreeVentures http://www.hollowtreeventures.com/
Hahaha, yes!! Omg if you made this you'd be a ... by Julia Hembree http://twitter.com/juliahembree
Aww, yay - making you laugh out loud is my favorit... by Robyn of HollowTreeVentures http://www.hollowtreeventures.com/
I'll bet that's true. by Robyn of HollowTreeVentures http://www.hollowtreeventures.com/
I usually double the butter called for, to make it... by Gerard Welling
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Mother's Day wrapping

2013-05-11T10:57:00.000-04:00

Okay, I know we're all busy getting ready for Mother's Day - clearing off space atop our dressers for a new 64-ounce bottle of eau de Dollar Store parfum, hiding the waffle iron to prevent a breakfast-in-bed related ER visit, and applying extra moisturizer to our necks in anticipation of macaroni necklace chafing. So I'll make this quick, and full of stuff for moms - stuff you'll actually like. Maybe you won't like it as much as a hug from your kids, but I think you'll enjoy it more than one of those glitter-encrusted books of coupons that nobody ever honors anyway.

All you mamas deserve to have the best Mother's Day ever! But in case you don't... no matter how far Mother's Day falls short of your already meager expectations, keep things in perspective with these reminders:

At least you aren't hosting a nightmarish kid's birthday party like the one on As The Dollhouse Turns this week (though happily, you can now be a part of their plastic neighborhood by checking out their brand-new As The Dollhouse Turns Facebook page!).

And keep in mind, you probably didn't a gift as bad as this ridiculous best worst Mother's Day gift I got for my mom when I was 13.

To keep the Mother's Day pep in your step, get a good laugh at a bunch of Mother's Day cards like this one. Then you can share 'em on social media to give your friends a giggle AND help moms in need!

I have your Mom's Day covered on CraftFail too, with advice about how to keep your kids occupied with slime - then send them into the kitchen to make you a treat, and see if they can do better than these Nutella cookie and chocolate cupcake fails.

After that, you'll probably have to clean the kitchen (let's face it - asking the kids to do it will only make a bigger mess). If you haven't already, check out my advice for getting rid of food odors on Home Made Simple. Likewise, you'll be the one to wash the chocolate batter out of their clothes, so make it easier with these laundry room improvements. Then you can finally calm down, think happy thoughts, and cheer yourself up with these stress-busting tips I wrote on P&G Everyday.

From other mamas around the webz...

Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva puts us in touch with the minds of our kids by listing these 10 easy steps to being a toddler.

Your kids aren't toddlers anymore, you say? Katrina Willis (with whom I happened to share the Listen To Your Mother stage last week in Indianapolis) is a mother of older kids and shares her funny but true hopes for parenting's second half.

If you just need a few minutes away from your children, no matter what their ages, lock yourself in the bathroom and read the cover of this Real Moms magazine by Let Me Start By Saying - and wish it was actually a real magazine.

Still not feeling better? Raising Wild Things explains you might be suffering from Post-Kid Stress Disorder - her 20 question quiz will get you diagnosed and make you wish you'd written it yourself (yes, it's that spot-on).

That's all, folks! Brace yourselves for Mother's Day - I'll see you back here next week, when we'll either be rested and relaxed, or we'll just be glad it's over.

Comments

Thanks so much, Dose Girls! Happy Mother's Day... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
The story about your mom is LAUGH OUT LOUD funny!!... by The Dose of Reality http://www.blogger.com/profile/15778610584517345200

The best worst Mother's Day gift

2013-05-09T13:58:00.001-04:00

My mom is the best mom in the whole world, but you'd never know it based on the Mother's Day gifts I've given her through the years.

Oh, she'll claim she adores all the homemade presents, the brag books, the carefully stapled-together stacks of lumpy artwork I've fished out of the bottom of the kids' backpacks. "Robyn, I love it," she always says, even if what I've handed her is a lump of cold spaghetti wrapped in an old phone bill.

But there was one Mother's Day gift that I don't think either of us will ever forget.

It was 1989. I was 13 years old, on the cusp of my snooty, whiny, selfish teenage years - an era that continues to this very day. A new mall (A MALL!!!) had opened downtown in the city where I grew up, so naturally my friends and I had to check it out.

We wandered through little stores and boutiques, giggled inappropriately at the novelty shops, touched everything, purchased nothing. I was looking for the perfect Mother's Day gift, but nothing seemed quite right. Did Mom want the new Debbie Gibson single? No, not really her style. Did she need an engraved pen and pencil set? No, too expensive - let's not forget I need to save money for an Orange Julius. What about an acid-washed denim jacket in my size? No, too selfish, even for me.

It was almost time for our parents to pick us up, and I was running out of time. My friends and I were crossing the food court, Orange Juliuses (Julii?) in hand, when I saw it. The perfect gift. Right next to the escalators stood a kiosk offering made-to-order, personalized wooden trinkets. And the price fit right into my budget: super cheap.

I quickly perused the options, and settled on a key chain - because what mother doesn't LOVE driving?!? Now, the important question was what to have the nice gentleman carve. I watched as he deftly ran blocks of wood through his scroll saw, cutting away the outlines of words and names and simple shapes. My first instinct was to send my mom a sweet message. "Make it say 'I love Mom,'" I told the gentleman.

But then I pictured my mom carrying her new key chain around, pulling the large chunk of wood from her purse like a kindergartner's restroom hall pass. "I love Mom" wouldn't make any sense, I suddenly realized! Would people think she was talking about her own mother? Would they think she was declaring her love for herself?

"Wait!" I said to the mall kiosk carpenter. "I changed my mind."

And what do you think I had him carve?

Now that's better.

I don't have a photo of the real key chain - this was well before the days when every moment of family life was captured on film - but I think you get the gist from this artist's rendering. Besides, what I really wish I had a picture of is the look on her face. The key chain might have been cheap, but the expression on her face when I gave it to her, and the sound of her laughing every single time she saw it?

Priceless.

I wrote this all-too-true story for Mother's Day Your Way, a contest looking for great Mother's Day gifts under $25.

Comments

Well, I'm glad the logic wasn't *completel... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
Awe, I think it was sweet! I can totally see the l... by TNMom http://www.blogger.com/profile/16811407816593020440
She just told me today that she still has it, but ... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
But, she DOES. So, it's not just a gift, it... by BadParentingMoments http://www.blogger.com/profile/00029703381098618823
A birdhouse is a great gift! Assuming she liked bi... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
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Mother's Day cards for the Real World

2013-05-08T10:19:00.000-04:00

I used to work for a greeting card company, so I can tell you with some authority that most greeting cards are full of crap (figuratively speaking, of course). I'm mainly talking about the sappy ones, the ones that spout goofy sentiments we would never say out loud in real life in a million years. And yet, on birthdays and anniversaries, we're perfectly willing to plunk down $4.50 and sign our names underneath whatever garbage is typed inside, as if our husband really believes that we consider his heart to be "a beauteous, rare and fragile gift," just because the card has "Darling" scrawled across the front in gold glitter.

This is especially true of Mother's Day cards. Unless your kids actually speak in verse and regularly use words like "wondrous" to describe you, pretty much every store-bought card you've ever received is a bunch of hooey.

Don't think so? Just grab any Mother's Day card you find on the street, or tucked behind empty envelopes in the Uncle's Birthday - Humorous section of your local greeting card aisle, and look inside. Every single one contains a phrase like, "letting you know you're loved so very much throughout the year," to which, pardon my French, I call bullshit. If I'm so wondrous and beloved throughout the year, why is it that the day after Mother's Day I can 100% count on nobody listening to a damn word I say?

Well, our friends at Rants from Mommyland and Naughty Betty have found a way to fix all that. They've created some awesome Mother's Day cards for the real world - ones that'll make us laugh AND tell the world what we really want for Mother's Day (hint: it isn't breakfast in bed, consisting of burnt toast that's just going to crumble into our sheets and give us another load of laundry to wash).

I know, funny, right? Well, on top of that, they've partnered with Sweet Relish, who has agreed to donate up to $10,000 to Shelter House, a safe place for victims of domestic violence, based on the number of times any of these cards is shared on a blog, Facebook, Pinterest or Twitter. So, get some giggles, share these cards and help moms in need. To see the rest of the ecards and find out more, click here!

Comments

Heehee! Thanks, Devan - happy Mother's Day eve... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
Heh heh. I see what you did there. ;) by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
"If I am so wondrous and beloved throughout t... by TNMom http://www.blogger.com/profile/16811407816593020440
You can have whatever you want for Mother's Da... by The Third Partier http://www.blogger.com/profile/15891036301947412236
Mother's Day breakfast in bed has almost as mu... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
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A Morning Checklist For Kids

2013-05-07T09:23:00.000-04:00

People often ask me how I manage to get all these kids up, dressed, and out the door every morning.

Hahahaha, that's a lie. People rarely ask me that, possibly because you'll note the above sentence lacks the phrases "cheerfully," "with their teeth brushed," or "without large clumps of hair sticking up in every direction."

Truly, we did have issues there for a while. It seemed like every morning we were running out the door ten minutes late no matter how early we got up, how much we hurried, or how many times I screamed words of encouragement at the top of my lungs with a vein popping out of my forehead.

The biggest morning delay (after the usual crowbar extraction from bed) was always breakfast. Even simplest options ("Bagels or English muffins? Umm, no, I don't remember waffles being one of the choices...") sent the kids into fits of disagreement. And the last thing I have time for, besides breaking up a breakfast brawl at 7 am, is making several breakfasts for multiple picky eaters, considering I barely have time to make one.

Our next biggest problem was that people (I'm not naming names, but let's just say they're all shorter than me) would show up at the door, "ready to go," following some major lapses in their morning routine.

No, honey, you're not leaving for school if your breath could wilt the lettuce on the sandwich in your lunchbox. Why're you putting shoes on when you've clearly forgotten your socks? And no, for the 800th time, your cat-ear headband from two Halloweens ago doesn't fall within school dress code guidelines.

two of my darling cherubs, having a morning "discussion"

Here's the checklist I pretty much have to force my children to go by if I want any hope of getting out the door with them, on time, at least 90% ready for their day:

Get dressed (try to remember underwear this time)
Yes, it has to be clean underwear
Brush your teeth - and I'm your mother, so if you just stand there with the water running I'LL KNOW
Breakfast
Is your homework finished? Sigh. Finish your homework.
Get your backpack
Go back and get your homework - put it in your backpack
Collect any of the following that apply: overdue library books, dioramas, tri-fold poster boards, gym shoes, snow pants that you'll be required to wear at recess if it falls below 40 degrees even if it's June, the oversize t-shirt your art teacher keeps asking you to bring so you'll stop staining your clothes with "washable" paint, flutophones, and all 12 zillion box tops we've collected since last week thanks to the baby's fruit snack addiction
It's time to go!
Where's your jacket? You left it at school? Again???
Shoes! Come on! What do you mean you can only find one?
Where is your backpack???
DON'T MAKE ME GET THE CATTLE PROD!

At this point we get in the car and drive for approximately five minutes, until someone announces they forgot their homework (naturally) or that they were in charge of bringing the class snack today.

As you can tell, there's really only one part of the morning that doesn't send any of us into fits of hysterics these days, and that's breakfast. Why? Because I gave up on the notion that I'd ever be organized enough to serve a hot morning meal of bacon, eggs, toast, pancakes, and pheasant under glass - or even just the pheasant. Or, on most days, even just English muffins.

I've finally embraced cereal as our breakfast of choice. And no, it does not make me lazy - or if it does, I guess I'll have to be content with the hope that my kids being deprived of weekday waffles will build character. Cereal is simple. It's fast. It keeps me sane. The kids still get variety, and they can disagree on which kind they want without breakfast taking any longer to prepare.

In addition to getting us out the door on time, eating cereal has freed up all sorts of extra time for them to argue about who's chewing with their mouth open, who got to read the back of which box already, and who's holding their spoon wrong. Thank goodness. I was starting to worry they wouldn't have time for arguing in the morning.

This post is part of BlogHer's Rush Hour Tips editorial series, made possible by Got Milk?

Comments

This is one of the best examples of mothering geni... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
I have twin girls. When they were in preschool, I... by Helana Windsloe http://www.blogger.com/profile/14525397379771217452
I was lucky with my first and they still had half ... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
It's hell trying to get my 5 year olds out the... by Leigh Ann http://www.blogger.com/profile/09233706048946454000
Hear, hear! I've *never* heard a kid complain ... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
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As The Dollhouse Turns - Birthday Party

2013-05-06T07:07:00.000-04:00

Episode 20:

Sunny and Betty are having lunch while Char and Chenille are at school.

This liquid diet has been so easy to stick with!

"I can't believe Chenille is already six!" Sunny takes another swig of lunch and shakes her head.

"Well, the party sounds like it's going to be great."

"I hope so," says Sunny. "All the other kids in her class have had these amazing cash-stravaganzas - I don't know how the parents manage it. Did you know you can pay Cirque du Soleil to perform in your yard? Or rent all the balloons from the Macy's parade? One of her classmates had helicopter rides!?!"

"Damn, why don't I ever get invited to these things?" Betty asks, pouring herself another glass of lunch.

"Because you don't have kids, dummy. Anyway, I just want Chenille's birthday to be special. That's why I've spent months on Pinterest finding all the mermaid-related foods, decorations, and activities I can. This place is going to be EXPLODING with mermaids."

"Gross."

"You know what I mean."

"Well, she'll love it. Mermaids have been her favorite thing for as long as I can remember."

Later that afternoon....

"Mom, we're home!"

"Guess what!" Chenille prompts. "I don't like mermaids anymore. Mermaids are for babies. Now I like Justin Bieber!" With that, she runs off to change for her party.

Sunny tries to imagine how she can completely change the theme of the party within the next thirty minutes. The starfish cookies could just be stars, right? And maybe she could break the tail off the mermaid cake topper... add an icing microphone and pretend it's the Biebs? He kind of looks like a girl anyway. She starts planning how she'll revamp all the ocean-related decorations as she opens the fridge...

Surely her eyes must deceive her. No mermaid treats? Buzz must've moved them, she reasons. He'd just had the guys over last night, and all that girly food was taking up valuable fridge space he probably needed for beer. She dialed his number.

"Honey, what happened to Chenille's party food?

"Oh, is that today...?"

"YES, your daughter's birthday is today." Sunny rolls her eyes so hard they almost get lodged in her brain stem. "Where's all that food I made for the party?"

"Was that for the party? The guys came over to watch an ESPN special about the Miami Dolphins' 1972 perfect season last night. I thought you made all that dolphin food for us!"

"THOSE WEREN'T DOLPHINS, YOU IDIOT. DON'T YOU KNOW A MERMAID WHEN YOU SEE ONE?" Sunny screams at no one, since she'd already hung up on Buzz.

Sunny will have to settle for plain streamers and no cake topper. Guests will have to settle for stale blueberry muffins and the chicken Sunny had saved to have for dinner later. She sets everything up just as the first guest arrives.

"Cindy's here!" Chenille yells, running to greet her friend. Sunny opens the door and sees Cindy's mom has her arms full.

"I didn't realize you had two younger daughters, too," Sunny says, smiling at the little babies.

"Yeah, I sure do. That's why I was so glad to get your invitation - I have a ton of errands to run, and I figured since you were going to have a full house anyway..."

Sunny's smile fades as Cindy's mom sets the two younger girls inside the door and turns toward the driveway. "See you in a few hours," the woman calls over her shoulder as she sprints back to her car.

Sunny heaves a heavy sigh, sends all the girls off to play, and returns to put the finishing touches on the snack table.

"Hey, who are you?" she asks the kid whose fingers are all over her muffin display.

"I live next door. I saw the balloons on your mailbox and figured you were having a party."

"But... What..." Sunny almost doesn't hear the doorbell ring over the sound of the boy sneezing loudly onto the snack table. Leaving him to infect the food supply with his plague germs, Sunny answers the door.

"Oh, hello Mr. Smith! I didn't realize Lucy was going to be able to come today - you know, since I didn't get a response to the RSVP request."

"Bye, honey!" Mr. Smith calls to his daughter, who runs into the house still wearing her muddy shoes. "Did you say something?" he asks Sunny.

"Oh, I was just..."

"Because I didn't hear you," he continues. "I'm on the phone." He points to his Bluetooth earpiece and leaves.

Sunny goes to check on the children, and finds the party already in full swing.

Music is playing from a sound system her children aren't allowed to touch. Kids are dancing Gangnam style to the Simon and Garfunkle album that happened to be in the CD player. Chenille is having a tantrum on the floor because one of the guests told her the invitation had specified "no gifts." With all the commotion, it takes Sunny a moment to notice the babies have gone completely Lord of the Flies.

Sunny secures the perimeter and starts some games to distract the children. She retreats to the kitchen but can still hear them bickering and complaining that euchre isn't a kid's game. Somehow she manages to ignore it.

She finds a box of cake mix and sets about making a new one - without mermaids or dolphins or Justin Bieber on it. She takes great satisfaction in dying the icing pink with beet juice, imagining the looks on all those little faces when she tells them they just ate vegetables.

Soon, everyone is gathered around, singing Happy Birthday.

One girl sticks her fingers two knuckles deep into the icing and starts licking it off halfway through the song, and all the kids decide to help Chenille blow her candles out, sending cascades of saliva across the cake. Sunny reminds herself to focus on the important things: Chenille seems happy, she won't be tempted to cheat on her diet with a piece of saliva cake, and all these brats will be going home soon.

One by one, the parents come to pick up their kids. Cindy's mom is last, which is just as well because Cindy was busy in the bathroom.

Finally all the partiers are gone, the girls are tucked into bed, and the mess is... well, the house is still a mess, but Sunny feels she deserves a break anyway. She eases her tired body onto the couch, glad the day is behind her. So much chaos. So many children. Thank goodness it's all over.

But wait...

"Whose kid are YOU???"

Thanks for joining Sunny and the gang on another episode of As The Dollhouse Turns! If you're so inclined, you can check out all the episodes here and visit their brand new Facebook page - go ahead, I'll save you some cake.

Comments

Nooooooooooooo! I'm sorry, I probably shouldn&... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
I lol'ed at your threat! You could make two ty... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
You just blew my mind - I get Sunday mornings back... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
Agreed! Now if only I'd stop getting the left ... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
My dad is a genius. He suggests dropping my kids i... by Anonymous
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that's a wrap

2013-05-04T17:23:00.000-04:00

I survived my Listen To Your Mother performance! And, some other stuff happened this week, too.

Yup, you heard me correctly - I got up on stage and read one of my word thingies that I wrote, and I was barely even nervous, possibly thanks to the bottle of wine some of us took swigs from in the green room.

First I got dressed up (oops, sorry, I meant "dressed up" - you know I don't wear clothes that aren't at least 400% spandex) at the hotel, after the nice hotel folks loaded us up on water and energy bars (they seemed to be suffering under the delusion that my husband was in town to run in a marathon later that weekend). I'm not sure what they thought I was there for, but I can say with certainty that they didn't mistake me for a runner.

You can tell I wasn't nervous at all in this photo by the natural way I'm smiling and staring off into the distance, as if maybe I'd like to curl up in the fetal position, preferably on the soil of a distant country, and become invisible.

Then I headed over to the beautiful Indiana Historical Society, which was in no way intimidating. Ahem. You'll be happy to hear that the view from the podium into the empty auditorium did not make me throw up in my mouth a little; the thought of 600 eyeballs staring at me while any one of a zillion things could go wrong, leaving me to slink back to my seat on stage and continue to be scrutinized and possibly ridiculed for the rest of the show, not to mention the rest of my life once the YouTube video is released, didn't even cross my mind.

Or maybe it did. Briefly.

But everything went great, the other ladies in the show were amazing, and we had a fabulous time, as you can tell in these photos that show our wonderful directors trying to get us to pay attention while we goof off and generally act like giddy fourth graders.

You can see the whole thing when they compile all the shows into a YouTube extravaganza, but that might not happen until fall (?!?), so until then, please feel free to use your imagination. And of course, thanks to you all for your words of support and encouragement, which really did help cut down on the nerves. MUAH!

Okay, what else?

As if I needed to cheer up after all that, I shared my top 5 mood-boosting tips over on P&G Everyday, based on my years of experience ~~being crazy~~ trying to perk up when I'm stressed out, overwhelmed, depressed, or otherwise feeling like a crabbypants.

In another fit of perkiness (with a side of snark), I wrote a list of reasons my kids laugh, paired with photo evidence. Spoiler alert: POOP! (Wait, come back! The poop isn't in the pictures.)

On CraftFail, I learned that some people try to make meatloaf appetizing by turning it into dessert, and I shared a tutorial for a really useful way to ruin a pair of gloves.

Finding the Funny was here again (first Wednesday of every month!) and we had 298 great posts linked up! I'm not going to even begin to pretend I've had time to read them all, but you should click over and check them out! Here are some that've made me laugh so far...

I Like Beer And Babies categorizes our annoyance levels with her Mommy Tolerance Threshold Scale.

Abby Has Issues helps a sister out by writing Martha Stewart's online dating profile for her.

Ellen from Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms shares some important (and frighteningly hilarious) info from her days as an OB/GYN resident on In The Powder Room.

If you aren't on this list, PLEASE don't be offended. You're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone it, people like you. Including me! I just need a few more lifetimes to get through that list... You can help me out by letting me know in the comments - what were your favorite posts?

Comments

Thanks so much! I'm seriously considering audi... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
Congrats on LTYM! Next year you can look forward t... by Leigh Ann http://www.blogger.com/profile/09233706048946454000
That's funny - a bunch of us went into panic m... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
No doubt - I was definitely not feeling worthy of ... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
Aww, you look so pretty. That's a great pictur... by Kate Hall http://www.blogger.com/profile/04940266024306074097
Plus 12 more...

Reasons my kids are laughing

2013-05-02T00:39:00.000-04:00

When our kids are tiny babies, we do all sorts of silly things to make them laugh. Facial contortions, crazy voices, you name it - anything to get a giggle.

Once they get a little older, they start to find ways to entertain themselves. However, if our early attempts to amuse them can be considered silly, their own methods are downright ridiculous.

One of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop prompts today is to create our own version of the tumblr page Reasons My Son Is Crying, where people can submit pics of their kid crying along with the reason why they decided to throw a fit - because obviously not being allowed to play with knives is a perfectly rational reason to have a tantrum, right? Apparently so - for a kid. Well, instead of focusing on kids' nonsensical reasons to cry, I'm going a slightly different direction. So, without further ado, I present to you:

Boogers. Toots. Poop.

seeing the words "toot,"
"boogers" or "poop" in print

long, made-up stories
about toots, boogers and/or poop

a sibling picking boogers

...especially when she discovers
her finger has poked through the tissue

OMG - BALLOONS!!!!

OMG - A BOX!!!!

any joke at their parents' expense

pulling the heads off of dolls

biting the heads off of Peeps

eating Play Doh

static
(the most hilarious form of electricity)

unconventional hats

stuffing their faces with cake

keeping their faces 2 inches apart
(funniest during flu season)

repetition of any kind

making goofy faces

making messes

continuing to make a mess
when they've been told to stop

27-year belated discovery of the phrase,
"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

How about you - what ridiculous stuff makes your kids giggle? And how do you stifle your own laugh when one of them comes up with a really hilarious joke about boogers? I'm asking for a friend.

Comments

You're NEVER too old to bite the head off a Pe... by Robyn of HollowTreeVentures http://www.hollowtreeventures.com/
This is funny. I hear my 7 year old and her cousin... by Donetta Sifford http://twitter.com/donettasifford
I have to admit to secretly thinking some of this ... by Robyn of HollowTreeVentures http://www.hollowtreeventures.com/
Haha awesome!! Love this take and all of these thi... by Julia Hembree http://twitter.com/juliahembree
So glad you were here! Thanks for sharing the link... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
Plus 20 more...

Excuse me while I panic

2013-04-30T20:00:00.000-04:00

Ack! Listen To Your Mother is on Thursday and, aside from crippling stage fright and a few bouts of nervous vomiting, I have one main problem - I don't know what to wear. Part of the problem is that I've been ~~sitting on my butt~~ working from home for two years, so none of my old work clothes (read: clothes I can reasonably expect to be appropriate for public viewing) fit me anymore. The other part of my problem is that I've been too ~~lazy~~ busy for laundry lately.

While I go try on everything I own and see how many pant sizes I can lose by doing jumping jacks from now until Thursday, why don't you go ahead and link up? Oh wait, I forgot to mention... it's Finding the Funny time!

Welcome to May's Finding the Funny!

Meet the Hosts

Anna @ My Life and Kids

Kelley @ Kelley's Break Room

Robyn @ Hollow Tree Ventures

Kerry @ HouseTalkN

Julie @ I Like Beer and Babies

Keesha @ Mom's New Stage

Meredith @ The Mom of the Year

Anna @ Random Handprints

Ellen and Erin @ Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Toulouse @ Toulouse and Tonic

The Rules

Link up an old or new funny post. Link up as many times as you want (we're serious.)

The party is open until Friday at midnight. The earlier you link up, the more clicks you'll get.

Click around and meet the other funny bloggers that are linking up.

Follow the Finding the Funny Pinterest board. We'll all be pinning our favorites throughout the month.

We don't ask you to link back to us or include a button on your blog, but we do ask you to send out a tweet or post about the party on your Facebook page. Be sure to use #findingthefunny.

Comments

Agreed! Thanks for the backup - at BlogHer, I'... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
I bet you looked lovely and anyone who says they d... by BadParentingMoments http://www.blogger.com/profile/00029703381098618823
Believe me, if I'd known that when I auditione... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
Venn diagrams are my favorite. Thanks for the enco... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
"every wedding since 2008" - I love that... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
Plus 11 more...

Lighten Up - 5 tips to banish bad moods

2013-04-29T06:00:00.000-04:00

One of my many, many talents, besides remaining incredibly humble despite my obvious genius and my ability to eat three Big Macs in one sitting, is finding new and exciting things to get bummed out about.

It can be something really big ("Probably sometime between now and never, a giant meteor will crash into Earth and kill us all, and most likely ruin the flower bed I just spent all morning weeding!"), or something that's only a big deal to me ("That car just honked because I was crossing the street too slowly, and now they're going to be late to the gym and not get the good treadmill and they hate me and I'm worthless and I should probably curl up in a dark room with a pint of ice cream and a Sylvia Plath novel!").

So, if it wasn't obvious before, it should come as no huge surprise to you that I've spent countless hours in therapy. Most of those leather couch hours were whiled away in my teens and twenties, because these days I'm loads happier ("Oh no, I'm a humor writer, and being happy isn't funny - augggghhh, I'm too happy to be funny! My career is over!" -- See? I told you. Getting bummed out is my special gift.) Happy or not, you can tell I still know plenty about working myself up into a grumpy stress ball, so I still use lots of the advice my head doctor gave me for nipping negative thoughts in the bud.

I have an article up at P&G Everyday ("Yay, another writing gig, even though pretty soon they'll probably fire me for being a dangerously slow traffic obstruction who lies about weeding her flower beds and eats ice cream in the dark!") with five quick and easy ways to keep a positive attitude in a world full of Negative Nancys (um, like me). Click on over to find out how to make sure your glass stays half full, and I'll be around shortly to top it off with more wine.

Comments

It's definitely a work in progress. :) by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
You said the word "nipping" which brough... by Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point http://www.blogger.com/profile/11447821094473597560
Yeah, but it's tough not to pass out at the 2 ... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
No, don't shut up! I love it when you stalk me... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
Back deck beer! Back deck beer! After we have a fe... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
Plus 5 more...

the fruits of my slacking

2013-04-27T06:00:00.000-04:00

I felt very much like I worked non-stop this week, and yet all I have to show for it is the mind-blowing, life-altering awesomeness listed below!

No, really, I was a writing slacker. Luckily, other people wrote amazing stuff, so the Interweb didn't suffer too much in my relative absence.

I did manage to write a quick list of the top 10 ways a mom spends 30 minutes (but wishes she didn't).

I also posted about my 19 tricks to make laundry suck less, which was published on Home Made Simple.

On CraftFail, we saw some oatmeal pancakes that looked oddly like salsa, and a fruity fish centerpiece (Best Facebook Comment award goes to Ashley, who said it looked like "an angry pickle with teeth," which is incredibly and hilariously true).

Finally, I wrote a ridiculous tutorial on making customized icing lettering for birthday cakes - and of course the comments are waaayyyyyy more informative than the actual post (big surprise!).

Aaaaand... that's it. I'd probably be more productive if I weren't so busy scouring Pinterest for important stuff like this:

Or stuff to buy for my mom:

Or stuff to post on Facebook:

Hollow Tree Ventures21 hours ago

I've been over on Pinterest avoiding work, but I took a break because you needed to see this.

But, like I said, a whole lotta awesomeness came from elsewhere on the web.

Like this funny list from Raising Wild Things, confessing 25 ways she's like a preschooler.

Or there's this, quite possibly my new favorite thing, the first in a series of Gay Vs Straight posts featuring the painfully hetero Nicole Leigh Shaw of Ninja Mom and the undeniably fabulous lesbian Deborah of Peaches and Coconuts, in which they answer questions under false names, make you laugh, and then you have to admit that based on their answers you can't tell which one smooches a lady-spouse and which one smooches a spouse of the traditional variety. If you don't laugh out loud at the haiku they wrote about their first periods, then I just don't know who you are anymore.

Hmm, but I'd better wipe that smile off my face, as Paige Kellerman reminds me of the 10 "easy" steps of potty training I have ahead of me in the not-too-distant future. <<sobs>>

I just know you'd hate to miss a moment of this nonsense, so if you haven't already, visit my subscription page so you don't miss a thing! Or apparently now you can follow on BlogLovin' too, which is what all the cool kids seem to be up to these days. As always, I'll love you forever.

Happy weekending!

Comments

Get yourself at least one from each of the kids: o... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
THE MUG! THE EMMER-EFFIN' MUG. That is all. I&... by BadParentingMoments http://www.blogger.com/profile/00029703381098618823
Awesome! If I can't help people waste a bunch ... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
Arggghh, pin-blocked by The Man. I always knew The... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
Thanks for all of those awesome links! I successfu... by TheSocialButterflyMom http://thesocialbutterflymom.com
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A B+ Halo Birthday Cake: a story in pictures (mostly)

2013-04-25T16:04:00.001-04:00

Some of you might remember that I suck at cake decorating, considering I shared my past cake-tastrophes a while back. So why on Earth would you take my cake decorating advice? Especially since my hopes of salvaging Jake's eleventh birthday cake (which he wanted to have a Halo theme) were looking pretty grim?

My mom brought the cake over.
There may have been some lid-related collateral damage.

Well, I think it turned out okay - maybe a solid B+ even, with the help of my mom's candy writing around the edges - and I think you could get an A+++ with five gold stars if you tried this and avoided all the stupid mistakes I made.

Supplies:

waxed paper
regular icing (not gel) in a tube or some other contraption, like a plastic baggie with the corner cut off, so you can squirt it out with some degree of accuracy
Sharpie
pattern for lettering (I used the Introwebz on my computer, since I use the Introwebz for everything except maybe as a hood ornament)
frosted cake, preferably not smashed (see above)
more patience and brains than I have

Okay, so first I pulled up the Halo logo on my computer, but you could use whatever word or picture you want for the pattern. I held the waxed paper up to the screen and LIGHTLY traced the lettering with Sharpie (I said LIGHTLY - please don't send me the bill for any computer screens you scratch/break/impale with your pen).

PRO TIP: If I'd known how I was going to end up doing this, I might've used some kind of non-toxic edible marker for this part. If they make those. And if I'd had one lying around. And if I felt like it. But I didn't, and nobody's been hospitalized with Sharpie poisoning. Yet.

I started to cut the letters out because I was going to use the waxed paper as a stencil, but I quickly realized that was dumb, and I'm only telling you so you'll know why there's tape on the back of my "H".

Instead, I covered my letters with icing, adding layers as the icing firmed up so the letters would be nice and thick. I tried smoothing out the top of each one with my finger, but that was too hard so I gave up and decided that the logo should be, um, textured.

Then I stuck the whole thing in the freezer for a couple hours and turned my tongue blue, eating raw icing straight from the tube.

When I took the letters out of the freezer, I thought they looked pretty great - until I realized my logo was wider than the damn cake. So this is the part where I tell you that, before you start, don't assume that your computer screen is narrower than your cake pan.

My husband fixed the chocolate frosting damage,
because he's awesome like that.

While I was cursing about the size issue, the letters started to warm up and I couldn't get them off the waxed paper, which isn't surprising since it only takes about four seconds at room temperature for them to need another trip to the freezer.

Soon, I'd peeled my letters up, staggered them so they'd fit on the @#*&% cake, and we were ready for candles.

My mom's lettering around the edges is cute, yeah?

Jake didn't seem to mind that the logo was all janky; I think he was just glad none of his friends were there to hear our horrid, off-key rendition of Happy Birthday.

So what about you guys? Are you experts at decorating cakes, or do they end up more like my cake-splosions? Please say cake-splosions - and then send me pictures so I can put them on CraftFail!

Comments

Eating and getting it all over the place is my fav... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
I think the letters look pretty good. My cakes usu... by Meg Sluyter http://www.blogger.com/profile/09220988711073975534
Did you cook it first? You definitely don't wa... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
I went ahead and tried this out but I don't th... by Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point http://www.blogger.com/profile/11447821094473597560
Oh, but it would be so much fun for us to get toge... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
Plus 8 more...

19 Simple Tricks to make laundry suck less

2013-04-23T06:30:00.000-04:00

As a person who hates doing laundry, I'm sort of an expert at making it as super-easy as possible - and as a person who loves you, I want to share the tricks and tips I've learned for simplifying your laundry duties. But since this is a humor blog, I'll bet you're expecting a list that starts like this:

become a nudist
let your kids run around wearing nothing but a diaper until they're 12 years old
hire someone to give you a massage so you can relax while you plan which load to wash first, and then pay that person to do your laundry for you

And so on. But instead, I'm going to surprise you with actual information!

Martha Stewart once said the laundry room is the single scariest place in her house. Abraham Lincoln called the laundry room “the second greatest threat to this nation” and Justin Beiber said that the laundry room was the reason his 19th birthday party was uber lame.

While you’re trying to figure out which of these quotes is the least accurate (all of them) and why on Earth I brought them up (no reason), pop on over to my latest article at Home Made Simple where I give you 19 ways to make doing laundry more pleasant, safer, faster and maybe even somewhat bearable. You can thank me later - I'll be here, trying to fold this fitted sheet instead of just wadding it up in a ball and stuffing it under the towels.

Comments

Seriously, that's some kind of crazy impressiv... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
Ha! I think I'm actually more comfortable with... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
So true! Now if someone would come do all the clea... by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
Girl....just another reason we need to meet....I c... by TNMom http://www.blogger.com/profile/16811407816593020440
Girl...check YOU out! All grown up and serious an... by Susan Coates http://www.blogger.com/profile/14326459642109333347
Plus 13 more...

10 ways a Mom spends 30 minutes

2013-04-22T05:58:00.000-04:00

Debating with toddler over the nutritional value of fruit snacks versus actual fruit
Searching through your Mom Purse for a tissue that isn't already used or wrapped around a giant wad of bubble gum
Attempting a 5-minute phone call while your kid repeatedly calls your attention to his reenactment of today's episode of Spongebob
Glaring at husband for asking if you have PMS - because you do have PMS, so he should know better than to ask
Eating crackers at the kitchen couter while you try to think of something to make for dinner
Getting an amateur manicure, which boasts every color nail polish ever invented and extends from the tip of each fingernail all the way up to the second knuckle
Nursing a foot injury sustained while navigating LEGO explosion littered with Barbie shoes and a broken yo-yo that your child insisted on keeping for no conceivable reason whatsoever
Vacuuming glitter out of your daughter's backpack
Turning socks right-side-out
Watching your kids sleep, because they're so precious and angelic. And mercifully quiet. Maybe a little too quiet. They are breathing, right? Better watch a few minutes more, just to make sure.

How do you find yourself wasting 30 minutes at a time? If you can think of ten, link up with today's Monday Listicles prompt at The Good Life: Top 10 Ways To Spend 30 Minutes!

Comments

These are glamorous days, I tell ya'. ;) by Robyn of HollowTreeVentures http://www.hollowtreeventures.com/
You always completely capture my life. Livin' ... by Julia Hembree http://twitter.com/juliahembree
Glad I'm not the only one! by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
Yes to all, but 5 and 9 is so me!!! by Stasha http://www.blogger.com/profile/17836396076018306616
You got THAT right! :) by Robyn Welling http://www.blogger.com/profile/08491681502102208047
Plus 20 more...

hearing Voices, cussing babies, and other funny stuff

2013-04-19T14:42:00.000-04:00

Happy Friday, my week-weary friends! Whatcha say we kick off the weekend with a wrap-up?!?

First up in the Big News Department, I'm going to BlogHer'13 in Chicago this July! So if you're going too, let me know - maybe we can exchange fruitcake recipes, by which I mean sit together while we learn a lot of important stuff about writing and blogging, by which I mean drink gallons of wine together.

As if that weren't special enough, I'm excited about the remote but delightful possibility of being one of BlogHer's Voices of the Year! Two of my posts are nominated, and it would make me do cartwheels of joy (figuratively speaking - I don't get enough calcium to risk doing real cartwheels) if you stopped by to give them a vote! You can vote once each for all your favorite entries, so giving mine the old thumbs up won't keep you from voting for your other blogging besties. And the nominees are...

How To Fail At The Puberty Talk in the Humor category - if it made you laugh, please vote HERE!

The Parenting Cha-Cha in the Heart category - if it made you sniffle or smile, please vote HERE!

12 deserving bloggers will get to read their winning pieces at the conference, which is a huge honor and a great opportunity - your vote helps choose the People's Choice Honoree in each category, which is even more specialer and awesomer. If chosen, I can pretty much guarantee I'll do something incredibly boneheaded, which will result in hours of amusement for you, so there's that to look forward to. Thanks, as always, for your support!

Okay, okay, so what else happened this week?

I was on Home Made Simple with a quick checklist that'll make doing your laundry easier, safer, and more enjoyable (and NASA said it couldn't be done)!

The gang from As The Dollhouse Turns showed off their Facebook timeline - although they probably should've at least pretended to be embarrassed.

I listed why my kids think it'll be so great to be an adult - and why they're so wrong it's ridiculous.

I wrote a quick limerick about my favorite place (to hide from the kids).

Bethany of Bad Parenting Moments perfectly summed up my feelings about going to the park.

Tara of You Know It Happens At Your House Too might've made me tear up a little with this sweet post about kids growing up too dang fast.

On CraftFail, we saw some un-gummy gummy bears, got introduced to Peep poop, and found the bright side of watching Lightning McQueen cupcakes crash and burn.

Mommy Shorts invented Baby Mugging, which started on Instagram as #babeinamug (yes, I'm there, too - @RobynHTV) and does not actually involve stealing babies' wallets, as the name might imply. Basically, people hold up coffee mugs with their kiddos in the background and snap a pic, making it look like the kid is popping out of the mug. It's adorable. Maddie was asleep when it showed up in my feed and I would've had to pour coffee on her face to make the pic work, so I cheated and used Photoshop.

Or, if you're feeling klassy...

I think the answer to both of those questions is fairly obvious.

Finally, I'll send you off into a happy weekend with these tweets that made me laugh:

Sometimes I think "Jen, you're almost TOO friendly." But then I can't remember the last time I smiled and realize I'm just friendly enough.
— Jen O. (@JenO_Eh) April 18, 2013

Why is it that my kids absolutely love something until I buy it in bulk?
— Raising Wild Things (@rsngwildthings) April 12, 2013

I'm eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it's six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I'm still better than you.
— AnotherBottleofWhine (@KateWhineHall) April 18, 2013

I don't know. Sticks of butter rolled in oats? Sounds like a legit after-school snack.
— Nicole Leigh Shaw (@NinjaMomBlog) April 17, 2013

Mom's favorite hiding place (in limericks)

2013-04-18T01:20:00.000-04:00

Perhaps you'll think I'm speaking in poor taste
when I tell you all about my favorite place.
I visit when I'm feeling low,
or when I feel an urge to go
far from the people whining in my face.

"Mom, I need some fruit snacks right away!"
"Mom, she's repeating every word I say!"
"Hey, I got here first!"
Caillou's on - ugh, he's the worst.
This kind of crap goes on all night and day.

Sometimes moms just need some privacy -
we sneak off, just my iPhone and me.
With the internet I rest
from the laundry and small pests
while I'm pretending that I have to pee.

Before long, there's a knock upon the door.
"Are you in there?" "Just one minute more!"
"You going number One or number Two?
I have things you need to do,
and we've crushed your cookies on the kitchen floor."

I sigh, and press the flusher on my seat,
wash my hands, unlock the door in my defeat.
I smile at their shining faces,
of my annoyance there are no traces
(because I'll always have my porcelain retreat).

Thanks to Mama Kat for her writing prompt today, "write a poem about your favorite place to be." When you're a contributor to a book called I Just Want To Pee Alone, how can you choose any other favorite place?!?

the sad reality of life as an adult

2013-04-16T16:44:00.000-04:00

My kids always fantasize about finally being Grown Up. And the emphasis here is definitely on fantasy - I think their expectations of how exciting it'll be are a little unrealistic.

"As soon as I'm old enough," Jake muses, "I'm going to order a pizza all for myself!"

That's right - dream big, dear. Ordering pizza is loads of fun.

Then Zoe chimes in. "I want to make my own food in the kitchen! With knives! And make magic potions out of... of... mandarin oranges and... cimmanon."

Yeah, I really take my ability to use knives and magical citrus powers for granted.

On the one hand, I hate to tell them about the disappointment they're going to experience when they order that first pizza, and instead of being the most gratifying experience imaginable, they find themselves out in the driveway digging through the glove compartment for loose change because they don't have enough cash to tip the delivery guy. Or when they make their orange/"cimmanon" potion and not only is it NOT magical, but the entire kitchen is coated in stickiness and they're the ones who have to clean it up.

But on the other hand, what fun is parenting if you don't get to burst their bubble every once in a while?

Sorry kids, but the actual benefits of adulthood aren't really all that exciting.

I want my kids' version of adulthood to be the reality - it's all shopping and leisure time and guilt-free calories. Not only is the list of real benefits totally lame in comparison, but at age 37 I should probably still respectfully apologize to my mom for my language in that third list item (Sorry, Marma) so I'm pretty sure that spouting random obscenities doesn't even count as a benefit.

It's too bad, really. So kids, if you're reading this (and you'd better not be), just be content with childhood for now. You'll be grown before you know it. And hell, that's a real damn shitty kick in the ass.

As The Dollhouse Turns - Facebook timeline

2013-04-15T07:04:00.000-04:00

Episode 19: Facebook

These days, everyone's on Facebook, and the gang from your favorite fake daytime drama is no exception...

Whoa, there - better pull the plug on this before Grandma starts uploading selfies.

Hey, did you know As The Dollhouse Turns is on Facebook IN REAL LIFE?

As always, if you wanna see what all the I Just Want To Pee Alone buzz is about, you can check it out here.

More real-life dollhouse drama next time - until then, please feel free to catch up on previous episodes of As The Dollhouse Turns! Then click the Top Mommy Blogs banner below, while I go find an excuse to send the kids to their rooms.

Weekly? I don't know the meaning of the word.

2013-04-12T14:25:00.000-04:00

It's a shame that the phrase "Weekly Wrap-Up" rolls off the tongue so much more gracefully than "Wrap-Up Published at Undetermined Random Intervals Because Sometimes My Brain Function Is A Hot Mess," since the latter would be a lot more accurate. However, in addition to being verbally cumbersome, it's also hard to fit a phrase that long onto a cute graphic like this one.

Plus, I wrestled with Photoshop making that stupid graphic for a lot longer than I care to admit, so let's just keep calling it "weekly," mmmkay?

But enough about me - what about me?

Awesome Junk That Happened

Huffington Post included me in their Best Parenting Tweets of the Week - TWICE! Once for giving a diet tip, and then again with another sort of food-related warning.

I made my debut on Home Made Simple with a quick article about removing kitchen odors which, unlike most things I write, contains actual real information (!!!).

I also made my writing debut on In The Powder Room, with a post that blows the lid off the New Mommy Wars - it's approximately 20% real information and 80% snark, and I hope you like it because I want the nice kids over there to invite me back over to play.

I was quoted in a funny Babble article about sibling hugs - see if you can tell which awkward hugging photo features my lovely children (hint: it's the one with a purple baby. It also has my name under it).

I made it onto the Indianapolis cast of Listen To Your Mother, and explained why it's probably going to ruin my life.

Awesome Stuff For You

I Just Want To Pee Alone, the high-larry-us book I'm in that's all best-sellery and is still available for purchase hint hint, has morphed itself into a community blog! Check out the site here - they're now accepting submissions, so send something in for a chance to get published there and possibly get Internet Famous!

If you're looking for a way to follow along with HTV besides Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest (<-- worth it solely to see my scowly baby avatar), RSS, email, or G+ (yes, people use that now!), it appears as though I'm also on BlogLovin - who knew?

Other Awesome Awesomeness

On CraftFail, Anna of Random Handprints shared her crummy cracker nails, I learned what ombre curtains are and what they aren't supposed to look like, and I actually managed to craftfail a post about craftfailing, requiring a public apology to add to my list of shame.

For my birthday, I gave a gift to my future self in the form of evidence that I was/am kinda dumb in my thirties:

My kids destroyed my dining room making Peeps hats, which you won't be surprised to hear turned into a massive (but sugary) CraftFail.

My mom and I collaborated on this handy list:

I called out Barbie's phone for being soul-crushingly irritating, and made a graphic in which it's a tad more realistic - like mine.

I baked up some cake-tastrophes.

I revealed my 10 pathetic superhero moments.

Other People Are Awesome, Too

Carisa at M.Carisa was inducted into the Scary Mommy Society (woot!) - you'll love her post about how having your second child differs from the first.

My new friend Mouths of Babes shared this gem on her Facebook wall - too bad I couldn't relate at all (ahem):

This stuff also made me laugh:

If modern medicine really cared, they'd offer an epidural to get you through the pain of toddlerhood.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) April 2, 2013

"Can I help fold those clothes?" asked my favorite today.
— Raising Wild Things (@rsngwildthings) April 7, 2013

Nothing says "I am at the cutting edge of fashion" like looking to your right to see a 70yo woman in the same outfit as you.
— LetMeStartBySaying (@LetMeStart) April 11, 2013

I cut my toenail too short, so women who had a natural childbirth? I totally feel your pain.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 6, 2013

The spelling of cantaloupe alone proves that we don't know what we're doing as a species.
— Benjamin Wallace (@BenMWallace) March 25, 2013

My morning workout is actually just me squatting the butt space back into my jeans.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) April 5, 2013

Thanks for reading all that. I totally owe you a beer. Or a mimosa, if you're reading this in the morning. Or a nice, tall, refreshing glass of tap water. Or maybe I'll just write some more stuff for you next week.

Excuse me while I powder my nose.

2013-04-10T07:45:00.001-04:00

It's been a long time since I've been to a bar (or out of the house in general), but as I recall, the worst parts were always the ladies' rooms. They. Were. Horrible.

I'm not just talking about the wetness on the floor, which you could only pray was water from the sink or a spilled beer. Nor am I referring to the empty toilet paper rolls dangling uselessly next to overflowing bins of tampon wrappers. Yes, those were gross, but sometimes there was something lurking in there that was even worse.

The ladies themselves.

Now hang on a minute, I'm not hating on all my fellow females - just the mean ones. Back then I always dreaded finding a clutch of women batting their eyelashes at themselves in the mirror, tossing their glorious tresses, applying 87 coats of lip gloss and giggling conspiratorially over the broken soap dispensers. The ones I'm specifically classifying as Worse Than a Clogged Commode would fall silent, watch you shuffle by, and then start giggling again as you clicked the lock on the stall door.

What the hell, ladies?!?

I'm not saying it happened all the time, but the Judgy McJudgersons are everywhere, so it's bound to happen to most people sooner or later. And it doesn't feel so great.

At least it got better as we got older, right? RIGHT? Well, yes, to a certain degree, since now I just don't care if someone giggles (or laughs right in my face) in the ladies' room. But as adults, there's still some nasty backbiting that goes on between girls. The McJudgersons are still out there, but instead of caring about your bar-fabulous hair or clothes, they suddenly have an opinion about your parenting - and now they're changing the game.

I'm thrilled to have been invited over to In the Powder Room today to talk about the New Mommy Wars! Find out who's fighting who these days - and who the real enemy is. You don't even need to roll up the hem your pants - they keep things classy over there. Well, okay, not classy, but definitely clean. Well, wait, not necessarily clean, but hygienic. I promise you'll like it - In the Powder Room gals only giggle with you, not at you, and there's always somebody willing to spare a square. Lip gloss optional. See you there!

Proof I'm Listening to My Mother

2013-04-09T07:00:00.000-04:00

In honor of Mother's Day coming up next month, and my appearance in the live reading extravaganza Listen To Your Mother on May 2 in Indianapolis (and the fact that we're having our first rehearsal today) (Yipes!), and of course most importantly in honor of my very own mother, I'm going to share 10 things she has taught me.

Don't get me wrong, she's taught me lots more than 10 things. Heck, she's taught me hundreds of things about gardening alone, but I suck at gardening so I typically forget all that stuff immediately. I also forget how to make soft boiled eggs even though she's told me a dozen times, I can't remember if she has a particular stance on solving the global financial crisis, and I was covering my ears and yelling "LALALA" if she ever gave me advice about feminine hygiene.

However, there are certain things my mom has said through the years that (unlike information regarding which plants are perennials and which prefer shade and which will die if I don't water them for two years) have really stuck with me. And while the things that've stuck with me probably number in the bazillions, I'm going to limit this list to ten because I don't want to injure the internet or cause you irreparable eyestrain by typing them all out.

Maybe your own mama has taught you some of this stuff, too. Or maybe you'll learn something new. Maybe you already stopped reading at the mention of Mother's Day because you forgot about it and you're wondering if you still have time to order flowers (yes, you do). But one thing about this list is for sure: from now on, my mom has proof I was listening. At least some of the time.

This is why you should listen to your mother - face it, she's always right. That guy she said was scum, but you didn't believe her because you were in pink-puffy-heart-LOVE? He was scum. Thought your life was over because the cool kids made fun of you? Nope, Mom was right - they were just jealous of your awesomeness. Did it seem far fetched when she told you that everything comes back in style eventually? Of course it did, but just take three steps into Target today and your eyes are instantly assaulted by neon yellow racer-back tank tops that clearly arrived on the loading dock via a DeLorean sent from 1985.

So sure, I might not have been paying attention if she ever advised me on whether or not potatoes need to be scrubbed before boiling (Dirt has minerals in it, right?), and I don't really know her views on the Bieber/Gomez breakup (I suspect she doesn't care), but that doesn't mean I wasn't listening.

The important stuff? It's all there.

_____________________________________________________

As for Listen To Your Mother, if you're going to be on or around the Indianapolis general vicinity on May 2, and you're neither a creepy stalker nor someone who hates me and would like to publicly sabotage my efforts to not look like an idiot on stage, I'd love for you to come see the show! Tickets are on sale here - hurry now, because prices go up on April 15th!

Also, as a bonus, some of the other writers who'll be at LTYM Indianapolis have agreed to play my reindeer games and post their own lists of things they learned from their mamas (I told you they were cool). I'll add them as they're published, so check out their posts below and read their bios to see what kinds of people they were before they were forced to spend multiple hours with Real World me! So far we have...

Hillary at Midwestern Berliners
Amy at The Fourth Frog Blog
Amber at Amber Page Writes
Katrina at KatrinaAnneWillis.com

10 Ways I'm a Superhero (plus another super thing)

2013-04-07T22:23:00.000-04:00

If I'm being completely honest, which I am (for once), there have only been two times in my life I truly felt like a superhero - like I could do anything, up to and including leaping over tall buildings and tying steel I-beams into Windsor knots.

Those two moments? The two times I pushed fully formed gigantic human beings out of my body.

I'm not saying all mothers (okay, all parents - simmer down, Dads) aren't heroic. You're just as much a superhero as anyone else, no matter how your babies came into your life. But my firstborn came along three months early and I was in too much of a drug-induced fog to feel terribly heroic, and I got my oldest two boys by marrying my husband which, far from heroic, was the easiest thing I've ever done. So as for feeling like a superhero, there was something about surviving the pain of childbirth with only minimal scream-cursing that made me feel like I could take on any challenge the universe might throw at me and roundhouse kick it in the face.

Or... something more motherly.

However, it's not every day that I give birth to a person (thank God). This would probably come as a big surprise to my neighbor, who thinks that Maddie is a new, different baby every time we walk by her house, a feat I couldn't achieve even if I had my uterus replaced with a jet-fueled conveyor belt packed with infants. Since I don't plan on ever letting that happen, I have to focus on the slightly less dramatic, everyday victories that let me exercise my inner She-Ra. Here are 10 of my more recent superhero moments.

I convinced the baby to wear pants for a few hours.
I finally sewed a button back onto Zoe's favorite cardigan, which was awesome until I found out the sweater doesn't fit her anymore.
I remembered I had a load of laundry in the washer before it got all mildewed.
I found a ton of cute, name brand clothes at a garage sale in my size, and treated myself to a new wardrobe now that I'm back down to my pre-baby weight!
I didn't cry when I got home and realized that, since I've been wearing my yoga pants uniform for so long, I was wrong about what "my size" is. Apparently my pre-baby weight has rearranged itself into a shape that only elastic-waist cotton/spandex blends can handle.
Okay, I cried a little. But then I took action, in the form of digging the elliptical machine out from under a pile of boxes and actually using it, without falling off or having a heart attack. Then I celebrated with a sleeve of Rolos.
We made it through the toddler "No" phase. Unfortunately, the "No" phase is followed immediately by the "I Can Do It Myself" phase, which is equally frustrating and twice as time consuming.
I made four last-minute birthday gifts in two weeks for Zoe's classmates. The presents looked relatively cool but cost almost nothing, which is a good thing because I'm starting to think the girls in her class have turned 8 about six times each this year.
The baby heaved an irritated sigh and grumbled, "Fine" in a voice that sounded eerily like my own, and I managed to leave the room before my laughter revealed whether or not I think her pint-sized attitude is hilarious.
I read an entire book, cover to cover, with more than eight pages and zero cartoon characters!

Impressive, yes? So I know you're dying to know - which book did I recently finish, despite the fact that the few places I get to read without interruption do not have snack access? It's an awesome new book by Scary Mommy!

I actually read it while I was on the elliptical machine, because, come on - I'm not really working up a sweat on that thing, I'm just using exercise as an excuse to hide from everyone in the basement for 30 minutes, five times per week (okay, three times per week - sometimes two). I could probably take a nap during my workouts, for all the effort I put into it. In that half hour I might only burn about twelve calories, but I get about 40 pages read, so it's time very well spent.

This book is all about telling the truth. And it's really, really funny. And scary (if you still believe any of these motherhood myths). In it, Jill Smokler speaks the truth about all the vicious lies people tried to tell us about parenting, back before we knew better. I promise, you won't be able to stop reading it either. Who knows, it might even inspire you to hop on your elliptical and pretend to exercise, too!

You can buy it on Amazon after it comes out on April 9th, or pre-order TODAY, which I strongly recommend - so strongly, that I pre-ordered a copy even though I already own it! Why would I do that, other than the fact that I'm bad at math? Only because I love Jill, and she lets me be a Scary Mommy Contributor despite the fact that I often come off like an ass in our email correspondence - oh, and because of the awesomest pre-order giveaway in the history of forever!

What's that I heard you ask? Is I Just Want To Pee Alone, the hilarious anthology of which I am a part and which is an Amazon and iTunes best seller, a part of the five giveaway packages? Well, as a matter of fact it is! Along with some other really great stuff, so you should enter. Or don't - you entering will decrease my chances of winning, so instead you should just buy my book and Scary Mommy's book and all the other stuff in the prize package individually and call it a day. Heh heh.

Believe me, spreading the word about the giveaway is almost as painful as childbirth.

Almost.

Thanks to Stasha and her Monday Listicles for today's listy prompt!

I'm not the only one lucky enough to be in the Scary Mommy Society! Head over there and read some great stuff from people like Motherhood, WTF? and Toulouse & Tonic here and here.

Name that mess!

2013-04-06T10:00:00.000-04:00

It's spring break around these parts, which is the excuse I'm currently using for why my house is a mess. Actually my house is pretty much always the same amount of messy, but as long as the kids are here I might as well blame them, right? And in case you were wondering Is her house really all that messy?, first of all you must be new here, and second of all, I think the fact that SocialMoms and Clorox are actually paying me to discuss my messiness right now should tell you everything you need to know.

In truth, however, all my messes can't be blamed (directly) on the children. Feast your eyes on this:

This is my kitchen sink. Try to look past the cheap laminate countertops and the broken, leaky pull-out sprayer thing next to the horrid $10 faucet. Ignore the builder grade cabinetry, the utter lack of back splash, and the sparkly pink flower sticker on the windowsill. Pretend you don't see the red Solo cup that the baby drew all over with Sharpie and refuses to let me throw away, or the two dozen empty Diet Coke cans waiting to be crushed and recycled (YOU'RE WELCOME, ENVIRONMENT). What we're focusing on here are the dishes.

Sometimes we'll manage to get all the evidence of dinner rinsed and shuffled into the dishwasher, but most mornings this is pretty much what I wake up to. Okay, usually it's a lot worse, but I actually did some of the dishes last night - though apparently not the two knives jutting off the top of the coffee maker. And no, before you even ask, I did NOT drink a huge glass of wine out of the gigantic goblet you see in there.

I drank a margarita.

Fine, two margaritas.

Which, in addition to the exhaustion of having a bunch of kids running around all day with a case of the Spring Break Crazies (Ah ha, I knew it was their fault somehow!), might be part of the reason why this was one of the days I awoke to a...

Dishsaster: What you find in the sink the next morning, when you were too tired from cooking and serving a huge dinner to clean up the aftermath promptly.

That's one of the words I submitted to Clorox's Ick-tionary, the funny online dictionary of life's icky messes.

Most of my life is a giant mess, and Clorox found a way to bring humor to life's everyday (and the sometimes unbelievably extraordinary) messy situations with their Ick-tionary. Not only can you head over there and laugh at the words and definitions people have come up with, but you can even share your own words, play games for a chance to win $25, get coupons (While they last!) and snag some advice about how to get your messes (dishsasters included) all cleaned up.

Because let's face it - life's gonna get messy. You might as well laugh about it.

Then maybe put the kids to work with some of those cleaning tips.

This blog post is part of a paid SocialMoms and Clorox blogging program. The opinions and ideas expressed here are my own. To read more posts on this topic, click here.

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