I know that many people have found positive thinking and positive psychology life-changing; I’ve definitely picked up some helpful practises from them too, especially around gratitude and appreciation.

But I still feel wary. Not about the positive psychology movement per se, but about this pressure to ‘think positive’ that permeates our culture – the kind that results in people saying “Smile, it might never happen!” or “Children in Africa have nothing to eat so you should be grateful for whatever you’re given” and other equally patronising don’t-give-a-&*^%-about-your-feelings statements.

Why I Love Positive Thinking

If we want something to change, we either need to change ourselves, change our external situation, or both.

When we realise that we need to change something inside ourselves, that realisation lands as a hard truth. We are all human, so we’re totally capable of overlooking the things that are going well in our lives, we are capable of being grumpy to people we love, and we’re capable of focusing on everything that feeds our negative beliefs about ourselves (while filtering out the stuff that shows those beliefs to be wrong).

I see the value in gratitude practises and I see the value in having an optimistic outlook on life. It’s important to me to criticise through creation, and focus on using the good in the world, rather than focusing on trying to change the bad.

Consciously using gratitude and appreciation in my own life has had a massive impact on my sense of fulfilment. I make an effort to be mindful of what I have to be grateful for in my life every day. My partner and I also have a daily appreciation practise, where we tell each other all the things we appreciate about the other person from the last 24 hours. These things, and more, have improved the overall quality of my life and the quality of my relationships.

The Hidden Dangers in Positive Thinking

So positive thinking has benefits; I totally agree with that. At the same time, I’m aware of a subtle yet important difference between gaining benefits from this way of thinking, and self-identifying with this way of thinking.

When we subscribe to a certain movement or way of life, what happens when we want to do something that is true to ourselves but steps outside that way of life?

For several years until October 2012, I identified as a vegetarian. Then, last autumn, I started having strange desires. I would take a second look at chicken dishes on menus, I thought about trying lasagne and, oh my god, did I crave hoisin duck. Wanting these things totally jarred with my self-concept of being a vegetarian, and I realised that I was staying vegetarian because I was attached to the label of being vegetarian, not because I actually wanted to be vegetarian.

When we attach ourselves to the idea of positive thinking, or any way of living, we risk denying our true experience of what we really feel and want. One of the potential pit-falls with positive thinking is that we cross the line between using it as a helpful tool, and thinking of it as a “should”.

When we put pressure on ourselves to think positive all the time, we’re not being real.

Rhonda Byrne and other Law of Attraction enthusiasts promote the idea that it’s all about attitude, and a lot of it is. As humans, we’re perfectly capable of self-sabotaging our experience of life by dwelling on what is going, or might go, wrong, rather than what’s going right.

Changing our attitudes, however, will only get us so far: to be able to reallymake that shift and respect all parts of ourselves in the process, we need to spend time understanding and identifying why we’re catastrophising in the first place.

Here’s the hidden danger in positive thinking: when we become attached to ‘thinking positively’, we risk lose our genuine experience, we lose touch with ourselves, and we give the ‘shoulds’ and the ‘oughts’ an opportunity to pop up and start criticising us for not thinking positively.

All parts of our internal dialogue exist to protect or help us in some way – even if they have a funny way of showing it. When we can understand and empathise with how our ‘negative’ emotions, catastrophising or ‘negative’ thinking might be trying to help us, we can shift our thinking from self-defeating spirals to self-supporting structures.

When life gives you lemons…

Think of it this way: When life gives us lemons, we have several options.

We can just sit and look at the lemons: yep, there they are – big, juicy, sour lemons (dwelling on the negative)

We can ignore the lemons in the room and pretend that nothing happened (dissociation/repression/avoidance)

We can say: “Getting lemons is hard and testing but I’m so glad it happened because these lemons remind me of all the good things in my life” – all great, except at the end of the day we still have those lemons (positive thinking)

We can notice that life has given us lemons, spend some time understanding what the lemons are for, and eventually realise we can add a little sugar and use them to make lemonade (empathising with our internal dialogue and processing our experiences)

How I use positive thinking

I’ve gained most benefit from positive thinking when things have been going well, not when they haven’t. 

Positive thinking is a prevention, not a cure. When we’re meeting our needs and feeling fulfilled, that’s the time to engage in positive thinking and take stock of all that is joyous, spectacular and celebration-worthy in life. As we practise positive thinking, we might find that those times increase in frequency and volume.

And there will be other times when it’s compassion, not positive thinking, that will help us the most.

I experience times when it feels impossible to think positively. Even when I see all the good things in my life on an intellectual level, I find it hard to feel them. In the past, I’ve experienced periods of depression, I’ve gone about as low as I think (and hope) it’s possible for me to go.

Positive thinking didn’t help during those periods, because at that time it wasn’t real. Yes, I can force myself to think positively (and I’ve tried) but it didn’t help because I wasn’t meeting my needs by doing that.

What did help was taking a step back from being in the feeling and thinking “I notice that I’m feeling very low right now and that’s OK; this is where I’m at.”

No trying to change it, no trying to tell myself to snap out of it, just awareness, understanding and the seeds of self-compassion.

I’ll leave you with this question: Do you want to be positive, or do you want to be real?

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below. Cheers!

Photo Credit: © 2006-2013 Pink Sherbet Photography via Compfight cc

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Far better for your emotional well-being than the Sunday papers, SFTW features a selection of the good, the inspirational and the quirky. This week, I’ve been giving my Instapaper account a long-overdue clear out. Some of the following links are several months old, but just as valuable as the day they were published.

Enjoy!

Authentic Working

“Make good art.” – Neil Gaiman’s advice to new UArts graduates in this now-infamous commencement speech. I dare you not to be inspired by this (transcript available here).

Authentic Lifestyle

Love Pinterest? Me too. Greatist backs up the value of using vision boards to get clear on goals and dreams in their admirably non-woo article #WTF Is A Vision Board?

Authentic Relationships

This article is more about work than relationships, but the lesson within is relevant to many different contexts: if someone doesn’t like your dancing, go dance for someone else.

Authentic Beliefs and Emotions

A short but inspiring video from Sam Harris, who explains that Your Mind is All You Have and that’s a beautiful thing.

“Your feelings will not kill you” and nine other phrases of wisdom to remind yourself on a daily basis from Madison Sonnier.

This Psychology Today article is several months old now, but it makes for fascinating reading around why the pursuit of happiness might leave you feeling lonely. One of my personal philosophies is that it’s more important to me to be real than it is to be happy. As this article illustrates, placing value on ‘being happy’ is troublesome, as when we experience opposing emotions, this jars with our concept of how we should be and can leave us feeling worse that if we didn’t place such value on happiness in the first place.

On a related note, have you tried expressing gratitude when things feel like they’re falling apart? Kate Swoboda from Your Courageous Life did, and wrote about the results.

Just Because…

I enjoyed reading this moving article from the NY Times about a couple who found their son on the New York subway.

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below. Cheers!

The post Something for the Weekend #3 appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

The rituals I talk about are:

1. Gratitude notes

2. Journaling

3. Sentence Completion

4. Relaxation/meditation

5. Yoga 

6. Unplug

7. Weekly Review

Useful Links

Meditation Oasis

4 Weeks of Self-Knowledge

Living from the Heart

Yoga Download (referral link)

Say Hello

Hannah:

@becomewhour

Facebook: www.facebook.com/becomingwhoyouare

www.becomingwhoyouare.net

Subscribe to the Podcast Through iTunes

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below. Cheers!

The post Epsiode 31: 10-Minute Rituals That Will Change Your Life appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

- Steven Covey The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

“No” is one of the most feared words in our culture.

It has so much meaning: rejection, isolation, disappointment, disapproval, opportunities lost, and doors firmly closed.

And that’s just hearing a “no”. Saying it is a whole other kettle of fish.

One of the most important aspects of my personal development has been learning when and how to say N-O. Before I started consciously examining this, saying no was a real challenge; it still is sometimes. The important thing is to stay conscious of how we feel about any given situation so that we don’t get caught out and end up agreeing to something that isn’t true to our needs in the moment.

Why it’s hard to say no

• Fear of rejection – because if we say no to someone they’ll think we’re an asshole and never talk to us again, right? A great way to overcome this particular fear is to turn it around and ask yourself: “How would I feel and respond if someone said “No” to me about this?” Chances are, it’s probably not a relationship-ending deal breaker.
• Fear of causing trouble/appearing unreasonable - The fear of being “unreasonable” is one of my biggest obstacles to saying “no”. Here’s the thing: saying no isn’t selfish, it’s healthy. What I’m currently working on is turning this fear around and asking myself “What does it say about the other person if they think about me like that because I said ‘No’”? and, more bluntly, “So what?”
• Fear of missing out - 

How to know when to say no

• Use the ‘best friend’ test: If my best friend were telling me about this situation, what would I advise them to do?
• What is my internal dialogue saying? If you can hear a little voice saying “no”, then hear what that voice has to say before deciding either way.
• Does this jibe with my current needs? Even if something sounds good in theory, it might not fit with your current needs and goals. In this case, you might be offering  a ‘let’s wait and see’ no rather than a hard no.

How to say “No”

The Learning Process

1. Think of it as learning a new skill. If you want to become a black-belt ninja in saying “No”, that’s what this is: a learning process.

2. Practise when the stakes are low.

3. Get support

4. Accept there will be set-backs

The Six “No” Situations

(This section refers to those times when we really do want to say no, not when we actually want to say yes but we’re paralysed by fear, self-sabotaging, or anything else – those situation deserve a blog post of their own)

In case you missed Something for the Weekend last week, take a look at Alexandra Franzen’s guide to “How to Say No to Anything Ever“. It’s a simple yet effective framework that will help you stay on track when you feel your ‘no’ getting wobbly.

How you say no will vary depending on the situation.

1. Someone requests that you start doing something or take on an extra commitment

“I’d like to think about it first, I’ll get back to you in X amount of time” (only say this if you do actually want to think about it)

“I’m not in a position to do this right now.”

“I appreciate the offer, I have other priorities that are really important to me right now so I won’t be able to take you up on it.”

“I can’t do this, but [insert name here] might be able to help.”

“I have a lot of commitments so I can’t take anything else on right now.”

2. Someone requests that you stop doing something

“X really meets my needs, so I’m not willing to stop doing it right now. I do want to find a middle ground where we’re both happy though.”

“I’m not sure why it’s important to you why I stop doing X, so I’m not willing to stop doing it right now. Let’s talk about it.”

“I’m not comfortable stopping X right now, but let’s revisit this in [insert time period here].”

3. Someone tries to sell you something

“No, thank you.”

“Thanks for your offer, I’m not looking for something like that now so I’ll pass.”

“I’m not interested right now, thanks for asking.”

4. Someone you don’t know or don’t like wants to socialise or deepen your relationship

“I appreciate the offer, I have a lot of other commitments that are taking up my time right now.”

“I don’t have a lot of time to do X right now, but let’s reconnect in a couple of months.”

“Thanks for asking, I’m happy with my current circle of friends and I’m not looking to deepen my relationships with anyone else right now.”

“Thanks, I’ll have a think about it and get back to you.” (only use this if you are actually going to think about it and get back to them)

5. Someone offers a solution to a current problem (and the solution doesn’t work for you)

“Thanks for your feedback, that doesn’t fit with what I need right now.”

“I appreciate your suggestion, I’m looking for something a little [cheaper/detailed/informal/other adjective] right now.”

“That doesn’t fit with what I want in the long term, but thanks for your suggestion.”

6. Someone won’t take ‘no’ for an answer

“I’ve said before that I’m not interested/willing to do X, that’s my final answer.”

“I’ve told you two times now that I’m not interested in doing X, please stop asking.”

“My answer is no and I’m not willing to discuss this anymore.”

How do you say no? Leave a comment and let us know.

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below. Cheers!

Photo Credits: hoyasmeg and Pinterest

The post How to Say No With Dignity and Class appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

These include:

• Breathe
• Stretch
• Move
• Meditation
• Comfort

Useful Links

Get your free ebook “The 5 Blocks to Authenticity… and How to Overcome Them”

The Woman’s Comfort Book – Jennifer Louden

Say Hello

Hannah:

@becomewhour

Facebook: www.facebook.com/becomingwhoyouare

www.becomingwhoyouare.net

Subscribe to the Podcast Through iTunes

If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below. Cheers!

Photo Credit: Amy McTigue via Compfight cc

The post Episode 30: 5 Simple Ways to Lower Your Stress Levels Right Now appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

Enjoy!

Authentic Beliefs and Emotions

This article on The Link Between Focusing on Yourself and Depression by Dr Amy Johnson jibed with something I’ve been thinking about myself recently; that sometimes it’s possible to become too internally-focused and forget that our experience is part of being human. Whatever we feel, whatever we’ve experienced, we’re never alone in that. Understanding is important, and so is living.

“…when we’re attached, we begin to label things as good or bad, winning or losing, succeeding or failing. An outcome other than what we envisioned (attached ourselves to) is deemed a failure. This is when I turn to a mantra that has probably saved my sanity and my business:

I am open to outcome, not attached.

This has allowed me to take risks, learn from an often unexpected outcome, and move on, while keeping my sanity and my ego (mostly) intact.”

We’ve all gone through those times when we’ve felt stuck in a big, muddy rut, with no out in sight. I loved Beth Buelow’s insights into attachment and getting stuck in her article on What to Do if You Have Static Cling.

Authentic Working

Speaking of stuckness, if you’re struggling with a creative project right now, here are 5 Tips to Jumpstart Your Creativity from Mashable.

Authentic Relationships

I loved this simple yet awesome guide on How to Say No to Anything Ever by Alexandra Franzen.

Can you identify with being a “fixer”? I certainly can, which is why I found 3 Little Words That Will Change Your Life Forever (another great article from Beth Buelow) so thought-provoking.

Authentic Lifestyle

Sell Your Crap. Pay Your Debt. Do What You Love by Adam Baker is a barn-stormer of a TED talk that asks you the question “What does freedom mean to you?” and shows what he did with his answer.

Finally, chill out with A Mini Guide to Modern Meditation and Letting Go from MindBodyGreen. A little woo, but like all these things, it’s good to cherry-pick the parts that work for you and leave those that don’t :)

Make Use Of

A Life Less Bullshit - Nicole Antoinette has done some seriously gutsy stuff, like go from couch potato to marathon runner, quit sugar, caffeine, alcohol and dairy and she dishes out BS-free advice on how to achieve your life goals.

The post Something for the Weekend #2 appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

Full disclosure: The links to Amazon, Yoga Download and Dropbox are referral links, which means that I get a small referral fee (or free Dropbox storage space) if you sign up. This doesn’t affect your purchase price and isn’t the reason I’m recommending these specific products (they are awesome). It’s just another way to support BWYA :)

Entertainment

Priorities first.

Kindle (plus reading light) – Even if you miss the smell of books, the texture of the printed page and that satisfied feeling that comes with seeing the first spine crease (just me then), you will not regret buying a Kindle. I have the basic model so I also bought a reading light, which has come in very handy as I tend to stay up into the wee hours reading, while Jake (who is a lot more sensible) gets a good night’s sleep.

A light-weight Laptop/iPod Touch - The device you choose depends on whether you plan to work on the road. If you don’t need to work but still want to be able to check your mail and surf at home, I recommend an iPod Touch. It does most things a smart phone will do, plus you don’t have the added hassle of having to cancel it if it gets lost or stolen (the only downside is that the camera quality on the cheaper model is a throwback to the early 2000s). Really, you don’t need either if you’re not working, as internet cafes are ubiquitous in most places. It’s more of a convenience issue.

Health

Bug spray/bug bite relief – If you’re going anywhere hot, this will be necessary for your comfort and your health, especially in Dengue Fever or Malaria-prone areas. You can get all kinds of crazy things like electric zappers and what-not that are supposed to relieve itchy bites. I tried one of these but didn’t really find this effective – tea-tree seems to do the trick (and doesn’t require you to purposefully give yourself an electric shock).

Vaccinations – Unpleasant but super important. Sometimes different vaccinations are required for different areas of the same country. If you’re like us and didn’t really plan that much in advance, it’s definitely worth getting vaccinated against everything you might potentially need. There is some bad shit out there, and it’s not worth jeopardising your trip to avoid a little short-term discomfort.

Probiotics – Depending where you go, food  hygiene could leave a lot to be desired. Our current favourite taco place looked promising until I saw the owner cut up cooked beef on the same board he’d just used to slice up raw beef (he makes awesome tacos and I don’t like beef, so I’m willing to overlook this). Probiotics won’t stop you getting sick, but they will help make the change in water, food and bacteria less rocky.

Practical Considerations

Rent/sublet flat - If you can do it, renting out or subletting your current home will add a huge chunk to your travel budget, especially when you consider that accommodation prices in your destination country might be far cheaper than rentals at home.

Storage - We went for the above option, rented out our apartment and stacked most of our belongings into a small storage unit. Generally, the longer you rent a storage unit for, the cheaper it will be; you might be able to get a discount for renting for six months or longer.

Small tip: get good quality boxes, especially if you’re stacking. We got this tip from our removal man (a little too late), who pointed out that our bottom boxes are likely to be pancakes by now. We’ll see…

Pets - We fostered a cat for the summer before our trip. It was always a short-term arrangement with a local shelter, but our kind friends agreed to take him when we left so he didn’t have to go back to the shelter. Pets can be a huge obstacle to long-term travel, but plenty of people overcome this by fostering them out to willing friends and family for the duration of the trip, or even taking them with them.

Mail and other practical things - As we rented out our flat, we redirected our mail to a mailbox. A friend our ours goes once every couple of weeks to collect it, takes a look at it and scans whatever he thinks we might need into a shared Dropbox folder.

This set-up has worked really well as it means we can deal with any time-sensitive issues. It was especially useful when we got robbed and I had to get new bank cards, as our friend in the UK was able to mail them to another friend, who then gave them to me when we met up at Christmas (officially, that’s not something you’re supposed to do, but if you’re in a tight spot and the sender hides the cards well, it works).

Receipts/important info – We take a photos of all bank receipts and important information like business cards and addresses, and store the images in Evernote so they’re easy to find. This means we don’t have to carry around bits of paper with us, and it also means that we have a digital copy of important info.

Money and ATMs – Check whether your bank has a withdrawal arrangement with banks in your destination country. We’ve been able to waive bank charges by using a specific Mexican bank to withdraw cash.

Currencies -  Take a small amount of money for each country you know you’ll be visiting so you’re not caught short on arrival. You’ll need to get out of the airport, train or coach station somehow and it’s hard to do that if you don’t have any cash.

Work

Travelling long-term is a lot easier if you work from home or have a job that’s based online. The great thing is that this applies to most jobs these days, especially freelancers, consultants and solopreneurs. Unless you’re involved in a ‘bricks and mortar’ business, you can potentially work from anywhere in the world.

The idea of saving up six month to a year’s worth of travel costs is very daunting, and the prospect of doing that keeps a lot of people in the “I wish” rather than “I will” zone. As a lot of travel bloggers point out, if you really want to travel you can travel.

We’ve met people who agree to work part-time on hostel receptions in exchange for accommodation. You can also house sit, find plenty of informal jobs or apply for live/work arrangements that help you cut down the cost of your trip (and therefore help you extend it too ;)). A lot of the blogs I’ve listed at the bottom of this post provide more information on finding cheap accommodation and working while travelling.

Security

Photocopy your passport - It saves a lot of hassle if you lose your actual passport. I also sent a scan of my passport to myself via email so I have a digital copy too.

Take multiple bank cards with you – If you have multiple bank accounts, or a debit and credit card for the same account, leave a back-up card at home. Then, if one card gets lost or stolen, you still have a back-up to lean on.

Money belts - We both have money belts but have only used them on long-distance trips (especially overnight coach journeys).

Talk to locals - Part of the reason I lost so much in Uruguay was because everything we had read about the country said that Montevideo was a lot more peaceful than Buenos Aires, and a lot safer. While this was true a couple of years ago (when most guide books in publication now were written), the situation has changed very quickly due to the currency controls in Argentina.

When we got back to Buenos Aires, almost everyone we talked to knew someone who had been robbed in Montevideo within the past year or two. Guide books are great but they are, at best, about six months out of date. Ask locally about any precautions you should take, whether it’s safe to hail taxis off the street, and so on.

Technology

Backup - As I have my laptop with me, I use an online backup service called Crashplan for my data (I’ve also heard good things about Backblaze). Even if I broke my laptop or it was stolen, all my data is waiting to be re-installed.

Dropbox - After the mugging, I realised that, if I’d had my laptop on my at the time, I would have lost so much work as everything was just sitting on my hard drive. That would have been devastating, so now I keep all my ‘in progress’ projects in Dropbox so they automatically sync whenever I edit the file. It might seem like overkill with a full disk backup running too, but it’s great for my peace of mind.

Exercise

Regular exercise is pretty hard to maintain, especially when you’re travelling around a lot and spending long hours on planes and coaches. The two criteria for exercising on the road are that it requires zero (or minimal) equipment and can be done with limited space. I’ve found two kinds of exercise fit this category perfectly: yoga and high intensity interval training. 

In January, I bought a yoga mat from Wal-Mart and, miraculously, it’s survived several flights in one piece. I source yoga videos and HIIT workouts on YouTube, and now both Jake and I share an account on Yoga Download, which has been more than worth the subscription fee.

Misc

Travel washing line and laundry tabs - These don’t take up much space and are invaluable when you don’t have laundry facilities at home or a laundrette in your local area.

Adaptors - We started off with a few UK adaptors and are now down to sharing one between us! We accidentally left one in an old casita, and a couple of others have mysteriously disappeared. It’s worth either packing spare adaptors or purchasing local plugs and cables when you arrive.

Eyemask and neck pillow – These make all the difference when you take long-distance or overnight plane and coach journeys.

Items You Don’t Need

Hairdryer – Having blow-dried my hair pretty much every day since forever, I’ve used a hairdryer once in the last six months (and that was for a wedding). The rest of the time, I haven’t needed one at all.

Lots of clothes and shoes – I mentioned this in a previous post but it’s worth repeating again: you really don’t need a lot of clothes. We mostly visited warm countries (and layered up in the countries that weren’t) and doing this allowed us to travel much lighter than if we had visited chillier climates. Even then, we still packed too much.

Even if you want to do adventurous stuff, like climb a volcano, you’ll probably be able to rent the relevant equipment on-site, so don’t bother schelpping around lots of gear if you don’t have to.

Books – Seriously, get a Kindle.

Mobile (Cell) phone - I used my phone once during this trip; even then, it was more out of convenience than real necessity (and totally not worth the subsequent phone bill). I wanted to keep my cell phone number, so I changed my tariff to the most basic package I could find before we left. Any calls I’ve made, I’ve done through Skype or Google Hangout, which is much cheaper than when you’re calling from abroad anyway.

Recommended Reading

Here are a list of blogs by experienced travellers, most of whom travel on a permanent basis. These blogs contain a wealth of practical advice, travel inspiration and proof that if you want to travel, you can travel.

Location Independent

Married with Luggage

Hecktic Travels

Never-Ending Voyage

Almost Fearless

Suitcase Entrepreneur (particularly if you’re interested in working on the road)

Fearful Adventurer

Wandering Earl

Legal Nomads

Nomadic Matt

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who might be interested in this post, please share it using the buttons below. Cheers!

Photo Credit: Drew Coffman via Compfight cc

The post Long-Term Travel Preparation and Packing List appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

It’s a difficult question, as it alerts us to the things that we don’t feel as good about as we’d like.

Jobs, relationships, weight, complexion, stature, fitness, teeth, nose, boobs, hair, the world… and so the list goes on.

When we want to change things, sometimes it’s the things themselves that need to change, and sometimes it’s us.

Many times, it’s both.

Whichever category your changes fall into, I know it’s not easy.

I’ve made significant changes in my life over the past several years. I wish I could come out the other side with some kind of ‘one size fits all’ formula for change (that would certainly make my life a lot easier), but I don’t have one.

The thing about change is that sometimes it’s a sudden, certain decision, and at other times it’s imperceptible, creeping its way into your life as a shadow of a difference.

While each change is personal, different and strides to the beat of its own drum, I do know there are three things that are prerequisites for satisfying, meaningful change:

• Self-honesty: An “Oh damn, this might hurt”-style reality check
• Self-knowledge: Knowing what our values are, knowing the way we want to live, and recognising the gap between that place and where we are now.
• Self-acceptance: It’s counter-intuitive, but in most cases change will only occur once we can acknowledge and accept the way things truly are (accepting something is not the same as liking it).

(OK, four things: you also need a buttload of courage, but that’s another post.)

Self-honesty and self-knowledge are pretty abstract concepts. The one way I’ve found to turn them into tangible real-life qualities is through one particular personal development tool:

Journaling.

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’re probably aware that I’m a total fan girl when it comes to journaling. I love it. I love having a space where I can be as honest with myself as I consciously know how, and where I can work through my stuff and come out the other end having pieced a few more jigsaw puzzle pieces together.

Why is journaling so helpful for change?

Think of it this way:

Scenario 1

Some random guy walks up to you on the street and says “Look, I can see you’re trying but your job sucks, your relationship needs some TLC, you need to stop beating yourself up all the time, and you really need to start getting to the gym more often…”

I don’t know about you, but I would be too busy focusing on questions like “Who the eff do you think you are?!” to really listen.

Scenario 2

Your best friend comes to you and says “Look, I can see you’re trying and I’m telling you because I care about you that you have so much more to offer than what you’re doing at your current job. How would you feel about talking to Bob about what you can both do to be closer to each other? I feel concerned that you’re speaking to yourself pretty harshly, would you be willing to spend time developing your inner nurturer as well as your inner critic? Your physical well-being is equally as important, and I worry that your health will suffer if you don’t attend to that.”

The truth might still hurt, but we’re far more likely to be receptive to it: it’s delivered gently, and it’s coming from a trusted source who we know has our best interests at heart.

Journaling helps turn ‘some random guy’ (i.e. the antagonistic internal voice that’s telling us what we need to change) into ‘our best friend’ (i.e. a voice we’re familiar with, a voice we make an effort to listen to even when it’s a bit painful, and a voice that we know has our best interests at heart).

The best thing about journaling is that whatever way you’re doing it, you’re doing it the right way. It’s your practise to make your own.

Here are some reasons why journaling is the ideal tool for change:

1. It gives you a safe, private space to get it all out in the open, it’s a great form of self-therapy.

2. It provides you with a record of thoughts and feelings from the past and present. The process of retrospecting is an ideal way to track patterns in our thinking and deepen our self-knowledge

3. It’s for our eyes only. Ideally, our journaling is private. That doesn’t mean we can never show or talk to anyone about what we write, it just means that we’re not writing with the express intent of showing someone and are therefore less likely to censor ourselves.

4. It gives us a chance to explore where we could be more self-accepting. As we write (or type), we’re more likely to be aware of where we could use a little more self-compassion and which parts of our internal dialogue are vying for our attention. Self-acceptance is like a muscle, and journaling is the metaphorical gym session that will help strengthen it.

5. It gives us space to work out who we really are. We spend our lives wearing so many different hats (friend, partner, sister/brother, son/daughter, mother/father, employer, employee, neighbour, etc.) that if we’re not super conscious of what’s happening in those roles, our true selves can get lost. When we journal, it’s a chance to reconnect with our authentic selves and explore what is really important to us.

 What do you want to change?

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The post Want to Change Something? Here’s What Worked for Me appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

Enjoy!

Authentic Beliefs and Emotions

This piece on 7 Habits to Turn a Boring Life into an Extraordinary One from MindBodyGreen caught my eye. Love the small, doable suggestions, especially the gratitude practice.

We know that our minds change our bodies, but can our bodies change our minds? Amy Cuddy sheds some light on the science of how body language influences your life in this fascinating and moving TED Talk.

Authentic Working

Short but sweet from Greatist: prioritising creative activities helps cut work-related stress.

Authentic Lifestyle

I’ve been combining physical self-care with mental self-care this week and trying out Kimberley A. Daley’s tips on how to meditate while running. If running isn’t your kind of thing, this article from Greatist offers a huge range of inspiration around how you can fit meditation into your day without putting bum to cushion.

Staying with the exercise-related content, I enjoyed this advice about starting a home yoga practice. Doing yoga at home has been so useful while travelling – YouTube and Yoga Download are my favourite resources for home practice inspiration.

“When you have your own money, your own wheels, and the full ownership of your legs, your need for such imagination, or maybe your opportunity to exercise it, is reduced“: Feel inspired by this beautiful article on how learning a second language can reignite the creative flame.

Make Use Of

• These imagination prompts from Creativity Portal for writing and journaling
• Susan Piver’s wonderful Open Heart Project for free meditations and zen-filled wisdom

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Forgiveness is often talked about as a personal growth tool. In other words, the more we can forgive people, the more enlightened we will be. I think forgiveness is important and I also think it’s totally OK not to forgive in certain situations. Find out why in this episode.

Say Hello

Hannah:

@becomewhour

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One of the biggest concerns people express about long-term travel, particularly solo travel, is whether it is ‘safe’. This is a tricky concern to respond to, as ‘safe’ can mean different things to different people.

If ‘safe’ to you means “I want a guarantee that nothing bad will happen to me”, then you’ll struggle to find anywhere in the world that fits that definition.

Safety is an important consideration, but it’s not necessarily a limiting factor. Different countries, areas, parts of town, and even streets have different safety levels and, while there are some factors you can’t control, you have a lot of influence over how safe you are when travelling.

In the interests of full disclosure, here are some of the biggest dangers we’ve faced on our travels:

Oaxaca Coast, Mexico

The current here was pretty treacherous: look and surf, but don’t swim.

A Hacienda in the Yucatan

The sun is pretty scorching. Watch out you don’t get burned.

Casa Babylon, Puerto Escondido

This cucumber lime and ginger ice drink was a real danger to my wallet - so yummy.

Friendly Yucatan dogs

The sheer number of cute animals is a real hazard; we had several friendly dogs follow us various places, including up a mountain in Argentina, and we ended up taking in a stray kitten in Sayulita.

OK, I’m being facetious :) But from the comfort of our homes and familiar surroundings, it can seem like a big, scary, world out there (thanks, nine o’clock news).

In reality, it’s not: it’s rich, varied and freaking amazing.

The “War on Drugs”

“If you go to Mexico, you’ll get your head sent back in a box!”-style urban myths are a lot more prevalent in the US than in the UK. Having met and talked to people who live here, work here, and come back year after year, the general consensus is that the media hype up North is a load of phooey.

For a start, Mexico is a huge country, most of which isn’t affected by the drug war, cartels or any of that business. We’re currently based just off Highway 200 (a well-known trafficking route) and have been for nearly three months. During that time, we’ve seen one armed police patrol stop at a taco stand for dinner – and that’s it. I don’t exactly go walking along the highway at 2am – but then I wouldn’t in the UK, either.

I’m not downplaying reality: violence does happen. Drugs are trafficked. Murders occur on a daily basis – a lot of murders. It’s a real problem in certain parts of the country and a lot of people are leaving towns and cities that have been affected by cartel violence.

But those parts are far away from where the vast majority of tourists visit, plus the violence is primarily between gang members and people directly associated with the cartels; tourists are rarely targeted outright. Saying “Don’t go to Mexico because of the war on drugs” is a bit like saying “Don’t go to New York because there’s trouble in Las Vegas”.

A lot of the media regarding crime here is sensationalised and doesn’t remotely portray the reality of what day-to-day life in most of Mexico is actually like. Far from being a war zone, it’s about as close to paradise as you can get.

Petty Crime

When it comes to petty theft, I’ve felt safer in most places than I do at home (and I feel pretty darn safe at home). Here in Sayulita, people leave laptops out on tables in cafes when they go to use the bathroom. We were mugged in Uruguay, which was unlucky, and something that could have happened in London too. I would have lost a lot less if I’d followed my own advice below.

The principle of “don’t listen to the hype” also applies to Argentina and Chile, as I’m sure it does to most of South America. Some parts of Buenos Aires felt sketchy, and some are definite no-go areas for gringos, but you wouldn’t want to go there as a tourist (or even as a local) anyway. The no-go areas are usually easy to identify; we even encountered helpful locals advising us not to walk through certain areas and giving us alternative directions.

Travel Safety Tips

Even if you find yourself in dodgy mcdodgytown, you can reduce the risks you might face as a tourist and traveller with some good old-fashioned common sense:

• Leave your bag at home if you don’t really need it. Use a money wallet or keep valuables in zipped pockets.
• Only carry as much cash as you need
• Watch how other tourists and locals are behaving. If people are sitting out with laptops, switching lenses on their flashy DSLR and chatting away on their iPhones, that’s a good sign. If not, don’t do it yourself
• Scrimp on the jewellery (you’re beautiful just as you are)
• Trust your gut. If that shady alleyway is giving you the heeby-jeebies, listen to that feeling
• Check in with family and friends on a regular basis. Especially if you’re travelling solo, tell people where you’re travelling to and when they can next expect to hear from you
• Be aware of local scams and pick-pocketing trends. Knowing about these things in advance are the best way of avoiding them

Ultimately, everywhere has risks – part of the human experience is dealing with risks of different shapes and sizes.

Despite being mugged at the beginning of our trip, I can put my hand on my heart and say I would rather have that experience alongside all the other great experiences I’ve had, than have had none of these experiences at all.

Other posts in this series:

The Benefits of Long-Term Travel

The Drawbacks of Long-Term Travel

The Realities of Long-Term Travel

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This post covers the realities of long-term travel: finances, weird economic situations, possessions, accommodation and culture. Safety is also important and, as this post is already quite long, I’ll dedicate a whole post to that topic coming up next.

Finances

We’ve been to three countries: Argentina, Chile and Mexico.

During the six months we’ve spent in Mexico, our cost of living here has been 40% lower than in the UK. This is despite the fact that we’ve done a lot more ‘expensive’ things like eating out and cinema trips than we usually do at home (we went a bit crazy when we discovered VIP cinemas for the first time), and that we could have done many things differently to cut our cost of living even further.

For example, the first few months, we spent most of our time shopping at places like Walmart and Chedraui (Mexican Walmart) before we discovered the joys of local mercados, where you can get amazing fresh fruit and veggies for much cheaper. We also used AirBnB for our accommodation (referral link), which provided us with some awesome experiences and affordable apartments, but was still more expensive than renting through a local agent.

The main way to save money while travelling is to remember that you’re not on holiday. Even if you are technically on a epic month-spanning holiday, your money will go further if you keep up some of the patterns you have at home.

We’ve stayed in each place a month or more and therefore been able to get monthly rates for apartments, which are generally cheaper than nightly or weekly rates. Having our own space has allowed us to work, and to eat in most of the time. We’ve limited the number of flights we took, and relied on coach transport where possible. Equally, we try to take buses, not taxis, and don’t buy souvenirs (that last point sounds really obvious but god, it’s tempting sometimes)

As a general rule, if you go local, you’ll save money. If you stick with chains and international brands, you’ll still probably pay less than at home (especially if you live somewhere like England), but it won’t be as cheap.

En route to Mexico in December, we spent about 10 days in Southern Argentina and Chile. Chile is a lovely country, and one of the most economically and politically stable countries in South America. It wasn’t quite the bargain we were hoping for, which was mostly our fault; having recently been mugged, we weren’t in the mood for being adventurous so stuck to the usual gringo haunts.

We spent a few days each in San Martin de los Andes, Pucon and Santiago, which are all prime tourist destinations, with tourist prices. If we’d taken the time to explore a little further afield and been more adventurous with our food and accommodations choices, we could have saved a lot of money.

View from the roof of our hotel in Santiago

The Argentina Fiasco

Now to Argentina, and our brush with the black market. This is normality for people who live there but, as tourists,  the whole situation seemed (and still seems) crazy.

When we first got to Buenos Aires, we weren’t expecting to spend our first morning making an illicit trip to China Town to get a decent exchange rate for our US dollars, but that’s how it turned out. The night before, we arrived to find our landlady had double-booked our accommodation for the night and two men were currently living in our studio.

After travelling for nearly 24 hours, this wasn’t a welcome discovery.

It was, however, fortuitous as they tipped us off to the difference between the official and actual exchange rate, and told us where to go to get the most peso for our buck.

The financial fiasco that is the Argentinian economy breaks my heart; it’s a wonderful country, but the money situation makes long-term stays either inconvenient or expensive. As I mentioned last week, the official exchange rate is now double the actual exchange rate, which means you pay 100% more for everything if you use banks and ATMs. I also forgot to mention last week that the government enforces this ‘official’ exchange rate by making it impossible to get Argentinian Pesos outside the country (although you can still get them in Chile, Bolivia, Paraguay and Uruguay).

It’s no biggie if you’re there for a few days, but became a royal hassle over a month. We only had about $300 between us but decided it would be better to spend that first before adding 30% to our cost of living. So we ended up in a dark, incense-filled shop speaking broken Spanish with Chinese immigrants who also spoke broken Spanish, surreptitiously exchanging our dollars surrounded by wind chimes and statues of buddha. For the next couple of weeks, they became our regular go-to money changers and we developed a funny kind of under-the-table camaraderie.

Then our dollars ran out. So, like a high percentage of Portenos who bank abroad, we decided to take a brief trip to Uruguay, where you can take out dollars from an ATM, then take them to an exchange to get he actual rate for Argentinian pesos.

We took out the maximum we could using our debit cards over two days, but I lost a half of first day’s draw when I got robbed. I also lost my bank cards, so the whole ‘taking cash out over two days’ plan was somewhat scuppered.

When we ran out of money the next time, a friend at our language school told us about an agency that pays out the actual exchange rate on wire transfers from the States. So we asked a big favour of an American friend (thanks Mike!), who wired us the money.

Problem solved? Not quite.

The next day, we spent several hours going from branch to branch of this exchange company all over Buenos Aires, only to be told in each that for one reason or another they couldn’t give us the money that day, but that a different branch could.

Finally, we got our pesos (after having to call Mike in the US to get his passport number…) and embarked on a very nervous subway ride home; the Buenos Aires subway is definitely not a place you want to be carrying a lot of cash.

That tied us over until we left, at which point I was relieved we didn’t have to go to Uruguay/Chile/do any technically illegal wire transfers again under the guise of receiving a ‘vacation gift’ from a friend.

Different people who live in BA have different ways of getting around the capital controls. Many people do the Uruguay trip, although the consequences of that are that more and more people are getting robbed in Montevideo or outside Buenos Aires port. Other people go to Chile, and others still simply don’t give away their particular method for getting around the system.

The view from our laundry room/roof in Buenos Aires

Possessions

I mentioned in the first post of this series that travel has seriously changed the way I approach the concept of ‘stuff’.

In short: you don’t need as much as you think you do. It is totally possible to live out of a bag for seven months and have a great time doing it (yoga mat optional, but it helps).

My wardrobe

Accommodation

We sourced all of our accommodation through AirBnB (and hotels through TripAdvisor). This meant we ended up paying more for accommodation than we would have going through a local agency, but the prices were still a steal compared to what we’re used to at home.

Spending longer periods of time in most places has made our traveling a lot more sustainable than it would have been otherwise. Having spent varying amounts of time in each place, from two nights to two months, I could imagine a sustainable travel lifestyle where we spend three months in each place.

Important accommodation tip: Frugality is great, it enables you to enjoy travelling for longer. When it comes to accommodation, however, there’s a cut-off point at which frugality stops being worth it. The longer you’re staying somewhere, the more you want to invest in decent accommodation.

This doesn’t mean going crazy – in many places it’s possible to find high quality accommodation for much less than you’d pay at home. At the same time, there’s no point in paying $8 a night for a hostel where you get no sleep, hate your roommates and spend your stay wishing that time would speed up so you can move onto the next place.

Everyone has their individual sweet spot where cost balances comfort, but you don’t want to save your cash at the expense of your happiness and sanity.

The jungle/garden in front of our casita in Puerto Escondido

Culture and Language

Knowing a little bit of the local language goes a long way.

I’ve seen a lot of Americans and Canadians here walk into a shop, up to a kiosk or into a restaurant and ask something in English, without even saying “Excuse me” or “Habla usted Ingles?”. If the person they talk to doesn’t speak English (because, unsurprisingly, not everyone does), they then start speaking slower and louder, as if shouting at the other person is going to somehow traverse a language barrier.

Some people here love to practise their English and will gladly help out the struggling gringa. My Spanish is far from perfect (I’m still at the stage where I speak in the present tense even when I’m describe something that ‘happen’ last week). Even so, 99% of the people I’ve encountered will appreciate you trying and wait patiently while you try to remember the right verb conjugation and help you out when you don’t know the correct palabra.

I understand language-learning is a scary prospect, but it’s also highly rewarding and allows you to communicate with people properly. My perspective is that if you’re going to visit a country where the vast majority of people speak another language, brushing up on basics before you go gives you a far more rewarding experience.

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Having written about the benefits of long-term travel, it only seems fair to mention some of the drawbacks I’ve experienced too. These all fall under the category of ‘first-world problems’ and overall, the positives have far, far outweighed the negatives.

Familiarity

Something I’ve missed on the road more recently is the familiarity that comes with doing some of the things I used to do at home. Meet-ups, book clubs, gigs, events, theatre… I haven’t done any of that stuff while. This is partly due to my improving (but still poor) Spanish, partly due to the fact that there just hasn’t been that much going on in a lot of places we’ve been to, and partly due to my reticence to get involved in local ex-pat communities – all useful obstacles to be aware of for next time.

Having said that, we have enjoyed a lot of entertainment that we wouldn’t get at home. There was the you-have-to-see-it-to-believe-it Merida Carneval earlier this year, plus Isla Mujeres’ unrivalled New Years Eve party marathon, and much more.

I’ve appreciated those things, and I’ve also missed the familiarity of the places I used to frequent. Exploring new places is fun, exciting and eye-opening, but moving around each month can be tiring too. It’s helped me appreciate the home comforts I enjoy back in Brighton a lot more.

If we were to do this kind of travel again, or make it a more permanent way of life, I would enjoy spending three to four months in each place, rather than moving around every four weeks or so. I’d also like to mix up the beach with the city so I can get my culture fix ;)

One of the Coca-Cola floats at Merida Carneval

Monteczuma’s Revenge

Apart from a few days of minor cold/hayfever-related symptoms when we first got to Buenos Aires, I’ve only been ill once on this trip. And once was more than enough.

I’ve never experienced travel sickness quite like that before and I hope I never do again (especially not on Jake’s birthday, which is when it happened this time around).

Getting sick is pretty much guaranteed at some point. Even if you avoid street food, carry a bottle of hand sanitiser, drink bottled water and do everything humanly possible to avoid getting sick, you’re going to be around lots of strange bacteria for the first time and it will take time to get used to it.

You can eat something rather dubious from a taco stand and be absolutely fine, but (as happened in my case) cook something at home you’ve made plenty of times before, and enjoy a two-day journey through gastrological hell. When it happens, you just have to ride the wave – you’ll come out the other end with a renewed respect for the fact your body can go through something like that and still be in one piece afterwards.

Friends

Even though we’ve met lovely people on our travels, being separate from friends is hard. A couple of close friends live in the USA, so we already have the whole Skype routine down. With other people, however, it’s been harder to stay consistently in touch. Life circumstances, time zones and my tardy email replies have meant I haven’t had as much contact with people back home as I intended.

Next time around, I’m going to make a more conscious effort to stay in touch. Spending longer in each place and getting more involved with local groups and people will also help me better meet my need for connection and community.

Inconsistency and Uncertainty

As I mentioned in the last post, this trip has definitely improved my ability to deal with uncertainty. There’s nothing like exposure therapy to get used to something quickly :)

Inconsistency and uncertainty have shown up in a couple of ways:

Accommodation

Jake and I both work online from home. The quality of the internet and the environment we’re in affects both of our productivity. This has only really been a problem twice. In December and January, we moved around for a month straight, spending a few days in each place. We wanted to squeeze in as much of South America as possible, and we had to be in Mexico by Christmas for our friends’ wedding, so we spent a few weeks doing the backpacker thing.

By that point, I had decided to work on Becoming Who You Are full time, so had ended my current contracts with writing clients. If I had still been freelancing, that period would have been super stressful, so the timing ended up being serendipitous. Moving from place to place is an interesting experience. It’s a lot of fun, however I noticed that I started to feel quite detached from where I was. I found it harder to stay in the present moment, rather than thinking about where we were going next and future travel plans/commitments.

The other pretty major (and unexpected) upheaval happened in April, when we ended up having to leave our accommodation early because there were so many problems with the house. It wasn’t a total disaster by any means, but the issues caused a lot of disruption to our day-to-day lives and didn’t exactly lead to mucho productivity for either of us.

Safety

In November, we got mugged during a weekend trip to Uruguay. This left me with a lot of uncertainty and fear, which lasted for about five or six weeks afterwards. We were unlucky to be in the wrong place at the wrong time; in most of the places we’ve been since, I’ve felt safer than I feel in London. We also spent a month in Buenos Aires (which has a ‘dangerous city’ reputation), walking all over town and using the subway most days without any incidents, which just goes to show that you never know!

I’ll talk more about safety and the realities of travel in the next post; suffice to say that at home and abroad with health and safety, sometimes s*** happens (no pun intended) when there’s nothing have done about it – short of staying at home all day. That’s one of the uncertainties involved in travelling to new and unfamiliar places, especially when you stand out as a foreigner.

Practical Headaches

It sounds obvious, but it’s easy to lose sight of a basic fact: things don’t work abroad the same way they work at home. They’re usually slower, done using different methods and manners, and sometimes seem way more complicated than they need to be (other things also seem simpler, so it all evens out in the end).

The biggest practical headache we experienced was Argentina’s crazy-assed economy. The Cliffnotes version of the Argentinian situation is that the government has imposed an artificial exchange rate that is tied to the value of the dollar. When we arrived in November 2012, the ‘official’ exchange rate of pesos for dollars (i.e. the one you get from ATMs and banks) was a third lower compared to the black market exchange rate.

In practice, this meant that we would have paid a third more for everything when using ATMs and banks than when you exchanging dollars on the black market (six months later, you can now get twice as many pesos for your dollar on the black market). Add 25% inflation to that, and the cost of living in Buenos Aires is not cheap – and I’m saying that as someone who comes from the the UK.

As we were staying for a month, and didn’t want to pay UK city prices for everything, we decided to go rogue. I’ll talk more about our adventures with the Argentinian black market in next week’s travel post.

Summary and Update:

I wanted to present a fair overview of the long-term travel experience and I also want to emphasise that, even with drawbacks, it’s an amazing experience. I’ve been happy to deal with some practical inconveniences that would annoy me if I encountered them at home, because the experience as a whole is magical and we feel so lucky to be living it :)

Since publishing last week’s post, we’ve enjoyed another great experience as a result of our travels. We found little Minnie on the street outside our house earlier this week and are now scrambling to find her a permanent home before we leave. She is a total cutie and has already provided us with hours of joy. Stray kittens are very common here, but we’re glad we’ve been able to give her some safety, proper food and, fingers crossed, place her in a ‘purr’ever home :)

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Thumbnail Photo Credit: © Salim Photography/ www.salimphoto.com

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It’s a little fable about a ham that shows why authenticity is so important to our lives. This is the first video I’ve ever made so it was quite a step outside my comfort zone. I hope you enjoy, and please feel free to send me constructive feedback :)

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Photo Credit: Miia Ranta via Compfight cc

The post Authenticity: The Story of the Ham [Video] appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

In this episode, I discuss:

• How 5x5x5 works
• Why it works
• How to track your goal progress
• My own BHAGs for 2013

Good-to-know Links

The Suitcase Entrepreneur podcast

Natalie Sisson

Natalie MacNeil

Seth Godin

The Ultimate Guide to Journaling (book and audiobook)

Say Hello

Hannah:

@becomewhour

Facebook: www.facebook.com/becomingwhoyouare

www.becomingwhoyouare.net

Photo Credit: zen! via Compfight cc

The post Episode 28: How to Achieve Your Big-Assed Goals appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

In short, I’ve loved it. Long-term travel is without a doubt one of the most life-enriching experiences I’ve had.

Over the past few months, I’ve heard from a lot of people who say some version of the following:

“Oh, travelling! I wish I could do that, but…”

The clauses following the “but” usually revolve around:

• Money
• Work
• Personal safety
• Fear of being feeling overwhelmed and out of their depth
• Strange cultures and people
• The “War on Drugs” (spoiler alert: it’s probably not going to affect you)
• Not knowing how to press the ‘pause’ button on current commitments (house/family/friends etc.) for a few months

What really lies at the root of these things is uncertainty, which is totally understandable. Not only do we not have a crystal ball, but there are a lot of preconceptions and misconceptions floating around about what long-term travel is like, what you need, how you can do it, and so on.

If you’re thinking about taking the leap into long-term travel and you’re grappling with any or all of the obstacles above, I want to shed some light on the realities of travelling and what it’s looked like for me over the last six months. Everyone’s journeys are different, but I hope that explaining more about my experience will get you thinking about ways you can turn your thoughts into reality ;)

Los Tamarindos, Puerto Escondido, Mexico

How this is going to work

I’ve divided the travel series into the following weekly posts. By separating them out, I’ve tried to give a fair perspective on the good, the bad and the ‘would do differently next time’:

• The benefits of long-term travel (this one)
• The drawbacks of long-term travel
• The realities of long-term travel (stats, plus other observations that don’t fall into benefits or drawbacks)
• A recommended packing and preparation list for long-term travel (practical bidness)

As a bit of context, I’ve been travelling with my partner, Jake. As I’ll talk about more in a future post, we haven’t done the traditional backpacker thing of moving from place to place every couple of days, nor have we relied solely on hostels for accommodation. Privacy and comfort are important to both of us, so we’ve mostly stayed in private apartments and houses.

Now, the Benefits…

1. De-attachment to stuff

I didn’t have that much stuff to begin with, but I got rid of a lot of possessions before we left to maximise space in our tiny storage unit, and I’m resolved to get rid of more when we return.

Having to pack up everything and put it in storage was a useful exercise. Getting rid of physical clutter is mentally cleansing. Having lived out of a rucksack for six plus months (and been perfectly happy doing so), I’ve realised that there’s a huge difference between what I want and what I actually need. This is something I’m going to be a lot more aware of going back to England.

When you have to carry everything around with you, you’re suddenly a lot less inclined to hold onto things you’re not using. I heard a lot of people say “You won’t need as much as you think you will” before leaving. Even though I was careful to only take what I thought were essentials, I could have definitely left more at home. Instead, I ended up leaving them in various places along the way, hopefully other people got more use out of them.

2. Language skillz

When we arrived in Argentina, neither Jake nor I spoke much Spanish beyond counting to 10, hello, goodbye and “I want two beers please”. Taking an intensive course helped us transition into Spanglish with hand gestures, and we’ve now reached the point where we can get by. Even though our conversation skills are still somewhat lacking, we understand most things that people say to us (and can fill in the gaps where we don’t).

Learning a new language through immersion is mind-bending, intense, and rewarding. You feel like a frustrated child trying to get your message across for the first few months, and then want to throw a small party when you manage to have your first conversation with someone who actually understands what you’re saying.

Trust me: it’s a very different (and far more positive) experience than sitting in a classroom.

3. Good weather

We’re from England, where good weather is a rare and beautiful experience. Anywhere with sunshine automatically gets bonus points.

4. Awesome experiences

I’ve had so many great experiences over the last few months, ranging from slightly-crazy impulse decisions like climbing a volcano, to not-quite-so-crazy-but-still-memorable events like a horseback jungle treks, cenote swims and thermal spring visits, to mundane-but-magical everyday moments.

First prize for ‘awesome time’ goes to climbing the Villarrica Volcano in Pucon, Chile. At the summit, we experienced the most amazing view of the surrounding landscape, punctuated by other snow-capped volcanos in the same tectonic system. Standing on top of a live volcano is a truly incredible experience.

The view from Villarrica, with Lanin in the distance

As you can imagine, bum-boarding all the way down again was also totally awesome.

5. Different lifestyle

My routine has changed from place to place and here in Sayulita, it’s probably my favourite:

Wake up (no alarm)
Go running on the beach if it’s early enough
Work
Lunch/stroll through town
Work
Beach time before sunset/exercise if no morning run
Cheap and delicious taco dinner
Reading/pottering/yoga/mediation
Bed

18 months ago, I was getting up at 5.30am to commute 1.5 hours to London, working all day, commuting home, and collapsing. Any personal habits I wanted to cultivate went out the window, as did spending quality time with friends. So, things are somewhat different now…

Most weekends, we take a bus into the nearest city, Puerto Vallarta, to pick up anything we need (there are no major grocery stores here), wander round the cobbled streets and/or watch a movie. We’ve watched more movies in Mexico than we could ever afford to in the UK, and in much nicer cinemas. We’ve also eaten more frozen yoghurt than I thought would be humanly possible.

These are day-to-day details, but ultimately that’s what our lives consist of: a series of moments. We don’t have space to carry much with us, so we end up spending most of our money and time on experiences, which are far more rewarding in the long-term. That’s one of my biggest take-aways from this trip.

Sayulita, Nayarit, Mexico

6. Dephobiatisation

Having had a major spider phobia for as long as I can remember, Mexico has been good exposure therapy. After some of the critters we’ve seen in our house here, house spiders in the UK are practically cuddly.

Why is this important to my authenticity? Because I don’t want to be controlled by my fears.

7. Perspective

At the beginning of this year, I started transitioning this site into a sustainable business. I wouldn’t have taken that step in the UK – not yet, anyway. Getting distance, and getting perspective, helped me remove a whole load of psychological junk that was in my way and enabled me to engage with something that is my authentic work.

I’m still finding my feet, adjusting to being in the driving seat, and figuring out what this thing is actually going to be. I’m also excited about the future of Becoming Who You Are and serving authenticity-seekers everywhere. Over the last couple of months, I’ve been brewing up lots of projects and resources, including a potential community.

8. Attitude

For the most part, people we’ve met have been incredibly friendly, warm, helpful and curious. A couple of people made funny comments about the Falklands/Malvinas in Argentina (it was a big anniversary while we were there) but if my Spanish had been better at the time, I would have had no problem explaining that, in my opinion, the whole thing is BS anyway.

Speaking of BS, travelling is great for deconstructing some of the myths that exist around certain cultures – especially the propaganda that comes out of the US. I’m going to talk about this more in a future post, but saying ‘don’t go to Mexico because of the drug war’ is like saying ‘don’t go to New York because because there’s a war in Los Angeles’. It’s just not reality. And for anyone that does want to believe the hype, well, all the more room on the beach for us :)

Being away has also helped me R-E-L-A-X and stop worrying so much. In the beginning, I worried about a lot, especially after getting mugged. During this trip as a whole, however, I’ve become more mindful of my experiences and this has helped me let go of things I can’t control – not a bad habit to cultivate overall.

The pace of life is very different here, especially compared to London, and things don’t happen like clockwork on the same day every week or when you think they’re going to. And that’s OK. You learn to live with it, and then you learn that your new-found flexibility and acceptance of uncertainty can be applied to other areas of your life too.

And so we come a full circle: the funny thing is that it’s uncertainty that stops a lot of us (me included) from taking the leap and booking that plane ticket, but it’s through this experience that I’ve learned to live with uncertainty and appreciate the ride, rather than hanging on for the destination.

Santiago, Chile

More coming next week. If you enjoyed this please use the buttons below to share. Thanks!

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Sigh, not self-discipline again…

I’m not sure there’s any other word in the English language that leaves me with quite the same heady mix of youthful enthusiasm, an undercurrent of rebellion and a vague sense of impending guilt.

Most of us have our own (rarely positive) associations with the notion of self-discipline, and I wish there was another word to describe this phenomenon that wasn’t quite so… off-putting.

But here we are.

The truth is that self-discipline is helpful. It enables us to get s*** done, it helps to build our self-esteem (actions aligned with principled goals = higher self-esteem), and, depending on where we choose to exercise self-discipline within our lives, it leaves us healthier, more learned, more self-aware, higher performing, more satisfied, as well as many other warm and fuzzy outcomes.

I am by no means the self-discipline queen – I’m all too aware of how easy it is for me to fall off the wagon and want to stay in bed watching Dead Like Me instead of getting up and doing just about anything else. As a result of this, I’ve learned a lot about what it means to be self-disciplined and what the not-so-secret ingredients are.

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As a summary, Branden defines the Six Pillars as:

1. The Practice of Living Consciously
2. The Practice of Self-Acceptance
3. The Practice of Self-Responsibility
4. The Practice of Self-Assertiveness
5. The Practice of Living Purposefully
6. The Practice of Personal Integrity

Useful Links

Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden (Amazon link)

Subscribe to the Becoming Who You Are podcast through iTunes:

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Hannah:

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Alongside those daily practices, I’m finishing off Self Compassion by Kristen Neff. In the book, she talks about the power of affirmations and how people can use them (along with touch, like giving ourselves a hug or stroking our arm) to build self-compassion, particularly during stressful or emotionally-charged times.

So, I thought, what better way to add to a month of journaling and meditation than 30 days of affirmations?

How are affirmations helpful?

Affirmations are a great way of counteracting negative self-talk. Engaging with daily affirmations can have the following benefits:

• Greater self-soothing abilities
• Lower stress levels
• Higher resilience
• A stronger sense of self
• Greater self-trust
• A stronger sense of our individual worth
• A stronger belief in our capacity to deal with the world and its challenges

Here’s how it works:

Each day, I’ll write an affirmation on an index card and upload the image to Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest. If you want to join me, simply navigate to the sidebar on the right, scroll down to “Say Hello” and click the link to your favourite network to connect. Then, watch for the next update.

To give you a taste of what’s to come, here’s day 1:

Aren’t affirmations kind of woo?

They can totally be kind of woo. That was what put me off affirmations to begin with. When I first heard about affirmations, I had visions of people chanting in the mirror to the soundtrack “Eye of the Tiger” (yuck), but that’s not what affirmations are about at all.

How you use affirmations is up to you. You can chant in the mirror if you want to, or you can just say, whisper or even think the words to yourself. You can make a date with yourself to do them at the same time every day, or use them as a mental hug when you need them. What’s more important than the actual technique is using them in a way that works for you.

More coming tomorrow… and the next 29 days. Remember to hop over to Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest (or all three) to stay up-to-date and get the juicy benefits of a daily affirmation practise.

Any suggestions?

Have you heard or used any affirmations that you’ve found particularly useful? Let me know, share it with others, and get a hat tip during 30 Days of Affirmations!

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The good news is that when we start being authentic with ourselves, we allow ourselves to feel our positive emotions more keenly. Whereas we only experienced a flatline before, we now have many glorious spikes of happiness, joy and gratitude pinging all over the place.

The not-so-good news is that we open ourselves up to feeling those not-so-comfortable emotions more keenly as well. When we look at our emotional monitor, we’ll see some dips in there too.

Even when we’re living a life that is 100% true to ourselves, shit happens. Sometimes, we probably could have stopped it, and other times it’s not personal: situations or events rise that are out of our control, or we just wake up on the wrong side of bed.

When that happens, it ain’t pretty. Here are five truths that can help soften hard times:

1. Congratulations, you’re having an authentic emotional experience

This might be a cold comfort, but take heart from the fact that if you’re feeling down, then you’re feeling, and that’s important. Remember, all our emotions are here to tell us something. They’re rich with information from the past and the present. If you’re allowing yourself to feel the lows, you’re also opening yourself up to feel higher highs too. They will come.

2. All feelings are transitory

 Highs and lows baby. We ride the wave, and then we tumble off the surfboard. Feelings are not states, they’re a process. That means they’re in constant flux and are transitory at their core. True, some feelings hang around for longer than others, but that’s OK. They all move on at some point.

When we’re in the middle of a low period, it can sometimes start to feel like it’s not going to end. We fear being trapped in this discomfort zone forever – I know I certainly have. But eventually it lifts. Sometimes it happens slowly, and sometimes it’s so imperceptible that we don’t realise we’ve shifted until after the fact. But it happens.

3. We are not our feelings

This might sound like semantics, but it’s important. When we think or say things to ourselves like “I am sad” or “I am angry” or “I am lonely”, we are far more likely to self-identify with those feelings. That in turn can transform them into self-fulfilling prophecies. When we think “I am a sad person”, “I am an angry person” or “I am a lonely person”, then we are far more likely to be a sad, angry or lonely person.

A more accurate way of describing it is to say “I feel sad”, “I feel angry” or “I feel lonely”. Remember, all feelings are transitory, so they don’t define us. When we use “I feel…” instead of “I am…”, we’re still acknowledging the feeling, but we’re not labelling ourselves in the process.

4. It’s OK to ask for help

Just because feelings are transitory, don’t define us as people, and are sometimes caused by factors beyond our control doesn’t mean the experience doesn’t suck while it’s happening. Some people say they love feelings like anger, sadness and overwhelm because it’s a character-building experience, etc.

I am not one of these people.

I can accept these feelings, I can learn from them… but do I like feeling them? No way!

That’s why it is stupendously helpful to talk about it and ask other people for support. Our feelings and our experience are important, and it’s a crucial part of self-care to reach out and ask people for empathy and understanding when we need those things.

5. We are more than capable of seeing ourselves through every situation

One of the things that drew me to the Person-Centred counselling approach was its unbounded enthusiasm for, and belief in, every individual’s potential for self-knowledge and actualisation.

It’s that same philosophy that draws me to coaching too: given the right environment and the right mindset, we can achieve whatever we want, and how awesome is that? Even though we might not always feel like we have the internal strength, the balls or the willpower to get through a situation, we are perfectly capable of doing so.

That doesn’t mean that we don’t need a little help along the way – support is an important part of meeting our needs – but all of us have everything we need to live the life we want – and that includes you too.

What do you think of these truths? Would you add any of your own? Leave a comment and let me know.

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In the episode, I talk about the following free personal development tools:

1. Journaling

2. Podcasts

3. Websites and blogs

4. Books

5. Meditation

6. Social media

You’ll learn about how each of these tools can help you on your personal development journey, without breaking the bank.

Useful Links

750words.com

Penzu

The Ultimate Guide to Journaling (book and audiobook)

The Ultimate Guide to Journaling (podcast)

Say Hello

Hannah:

@becomewhour

Facebook: www.facebook.com/becomingwhoyouare

www.becomingwhoyouare.net

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Self-Care

1. “Love yourself first, and everything else falls in line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” – Lucille Ball

2. “Do something every day that is loving toward your body and gives you the opportunity to enjoy the sensations of your body.” – Golda Poretsky

3. “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” – Steve Jobs

4. “The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I’m not going to let myself pull me down anymore.” – C. Joybell C.

5. “There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling leaves and remember that it is enough to be taken care of by my self.” – Brian Andreas

6. “Being extremely honest with oneself is a good exercise.” – Sigmund Freud

7. “There is time for departure even when there’s no certain place to go.” – Tennessee Williams

8. “Enjoy life – there are no re-runs.” – Shirley Lowery

9. “There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace. You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden or even your bathtub.” – Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

10. “The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours – it is an amazing journey – and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.” – Bob Moawad

Self-Acceptance

1. “When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits – anything that kept me small.  My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.” – Kim McMilllen

2. “If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.” –  Nora Roberts

3. “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” – Anna Quindlen

4. “I was once afraid of people saying ‘Who does she think she is?’ Now I have the courage to stand and say ‘This is who I am.’” – Oprah Winfrey

5. “The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” – C. G. Jung

6. “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” – Joseph Campbell

7. “It’s not your job to like me – it’s mine.” – Byron Katie

8. “Self-Acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship with myself.” – Nathaniel Branden

9. “I found in my research that the biggest reason people aren’t more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they’ll become self-indulgent. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.” – Kristen Neff

10. “To be nobody but yourself in a world that’s doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting.” – E. E. Cummings

What are your favourite self-care and self-compassion quotes? Leave a comment and let me know!

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It’s a tricky question, and there is certainly no defining answer that will apply to absolutely everyone. Instead, I encourage you to develop your own internal compass and provide several key questions in the episode that you can use to do just that.

Some of the points I cover in the podcast are:

• Knowing and trusting our instincts
• Being aware of urgency or desperation
• Priorities and values
• Visualising
• The perils of planning

Say Hello

Hannah:

@becomewhour

Facebook: www.facebook.com/becomingwhoyouare

www.becomingwhoyouare.net

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The post Episode 25: How Do We Know What We Really Want? appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

• The difference between conventional compliments and wham bam straight-from-the-heart meaningful positive feedback
• The top conversation no-nos
• Why unsolicited feedback (feedback that the other party hasn’t asked for) is a touchy issue and how our motivations for giving this kind of feedback are a great indicator of how productive the conversation will be
• How to provide unsolicited feedback that is still genuine, authentic and based on our experience

At the beginning of the episode, I also talk about my new journaling course, Working from the Heart. This 14-day e-course consists of daily prompts delivered straight to your inbox. Over two weeks, you’ll have the opportunity to explore what authentic working means to you and develop a detailed picture of steps you can take to make your working life meaningful, fulfilling and more aligned with your values and gifts. Click the link above to view the course and sign up.

Useful Links

Wild Truth – Daniel Mackler’s website

Working from the Heart

Say Hello

 Hannah:

@becomewhour

Facebook: www.facebook.com/becomingwhoyouare

www.becomingwhoyouare.net

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At its root, self-care isn’t so much about what you do, as what needs you’re meeting in the process. An important part of developing a sustainable self-care routine is identifying ways in which we can meet one or more of our needs without compromising other needs in the process. The self-care kit is designed to help you do just that.

Self-care is not about taking yourself out for manicures, Columbian waxes or whatever the latest fashion trend is at the time of reading. It’s about meeting your needs. If you’re on a budget or short of time, purchasing expensive pampering sessions or taking several hours you don’t have out of your day isn’t not going to meet your needs – in fact, it will probably stress you out even more.

Having said that, there’s a reason why plenty of people opt for professional treatments and attention, over and above a purely aesthetic motive: showing your body some TLC feels good. It is certainly one form of self-care, it’s just that we need to find a way to treat our bodies well without compromising any other needs we have that are jostling for attention alongside.

Self-care isn’t so much about what we ‘do’, it’s about the experience we have, the feelings that experience provokes and the underlying needs that experience meets.

So we might not be able to go to a fancy-schmancy spa (without leaving one or more of our other needs wanting, anyway) but we can certainly try to recreate the feeling of going to a fancy-schmancy spa.

One way to do this is to create a ‘self-care kit’.

How it Works

The self-care kit is a collection of items that provoke your desired feelings.

This is a very personal experience, so I’m not going to provide a prescriptive list for what should go in your self-care kit.

Instead, the first step is to work out what your desired feelings are: what is it you would like to feel or experience after using your self-care kit?

This might include feeling:

Safe
Nurtured
Held
Warm
Relaxed
Rejuvenated
Replenished
Whole
Connected
Compassionate
Self-accepting
Understanding
Rested

Or any other words that are meaningful to you.

The next step is to translate these feelings into actions. What can you do that will help you get to these feelings and experiences?

Here are a few suggestions to get you started:

Meditate
Gentle yoga
Face mask
Long, hot bath
Incense
Quotes or affirmations
Special music
A good book
A scented candle

Your own personal self-care kit might contain all of the above, or it might contain none. Like I said, this is a personal experience, so spend time thinking about how you can re-create your desired feelings with simple every-day items and activities.

Once you have a few ideas about the kinds of things you might want in your self-care kit, start compiling it. Begin simply, and test each individual item out for its effectiveness before adding the next. Sometimes, we think a certain item or activity is going to provoke certain feelings, but it doesn’t. We might expect it to be relaxing and enjoyable, whereas in reality we find it uncomfortable and distracting. Equally, we might experience one activity or item in our kits very differently to how we imagined.

There’s no rush: start small and build your kit over a period of several weeks or months. Schedule time to use your self-care kit, and commit to that scheduled time. Whether it’s 15 minutes when you first get up, or you set aside a whole evening, dedicate time. Listen to how your self-care kit leaves you feeling, and listen to what your gut tells you to add or remove in order to enhance it and make it more effective at meeting your needs.

Why it Works

The self-care kit is tailored specifically to you and executed on your terms. You’re in complete control over how much time and money you spend on your experience, as well as when you choose to use your kit.

This allows you to experience your desired feelings, set aside time to reconnect with yourself and give your body some TLC, without denying or ignoring other needs you might have, for example a need for financial stability.

Other Ideas

If you’re concerned that engaging with this suggestion might provoke your money gremlins and inner critic, keep them at bay by setting some boundaries.

This might take the form of a monthly ‘self-care’ budget, a limit on the number of items you have in your kit, a limit for how much to spend on each item in your self-care kit, or all of the above (on a practical note: remember that some items might cost more, but will last longer than other items that cost less). Be as generous as you can be with your budget – remember there’s nothing wrong with spending money on yourself – while still keeping your other needs in mind.

What would be in your self-care kit? Leave a comment and let me know.

********

Speaking of self-care, Working from the Heart, a new journaling course that helps you discover what meaningful and fulfilling work looks like to you, is available now. This 14-day course contains daily journaling prompts that will guide you towards creating a vision for your authentic work. Click here for more details. 

 
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Out of everything I’ve read/watched/listened to/experimented with/[insert other verbs here] over the past few years, Non-Violent Communication (NVC) has probably had the biggest impact on the way I see myself and the world around me.

In a nutshell, Non-Violent Communication talks about how our emotions result from our needs and preferences, and whether these are being met, or are unmet (this is a highly simplified version of NVC and I recommend reading Marshall’s book or listening to his free series on Spotify if you want to learn more).

Like all theories, methods and systems that relate to the way we live, I believe it’s OK for us to cherry-pick what we do like and leave the bits we don’t. Some parts of NVC, I don’t like and choose not to practise. The bits that I have chosen, however, have changed the way I view relationships and my communication.

Needs, Preferences and Requests

One of the biggest take-aways for me is NVC’s focus on communicating in terms of needs, preferences and requests. I’ve found that when you start communicating using this framework, you’re far more likely to get what you want, and to be able to help others get what they want too.

When I’m aware of why I want to do or am doing something (in other words, what the underlying needs are), I’m in a much better position to meet those needs. 

Preferences are the diet coke of needs. They’re not crucial, but we’d feel more fulfilled and happy if they were met too. Being able to differentiate between needs and preferences helps us clarify and communicate the things that are deal breakers for us, and the things that we would like, but could probably live without.

When we’re aware of our needs and preferences, we’re better placed to make fair requests of other people in an attempt to get our needs met.

Obligation-Free Interactions

That brings us to another NVC perspective that changed my approach to relationships: I am 100% responsible for meeting my needs. No one is obligated or required to meet my needs. Equally, I’m not obligated or required to meet anyone else’s needs. I can communicate my needs to other people, and make requests based on those needs, but it’s up to them whether they fulfil those requests or not.

I don’t place responsibility for my needs on other people, and I don’t accept responsibility for fulfilling other people’s needs.

For example, let’s say I was getting tired of the bathroom always being dirty, and I said to my flatmate: “I have a need for you to clean the bathroom”.

This is problematic, because if cleanliness is really an important need for me, then why don’t I just clean the bathroom myself? No one is obligated to fulfil my needs, so I’m not making a fair request.

In addition, to say that I have a need for someone else to do something masks the actual need underneath. If I keep expressing myself in this way, I’m never going to be able to meet that root need; as long as I’m asking other people to meet my needs for me, the true need underneath will stay hidden.

In the example above, the real needs might include a need for reciprocity, a need for order, a need for stability, and so on. A more productive way of phrasing the above might be: “I’ve noticed that I’ve cleaned the bathroom the last four weeks out of five, and I’m feeling frustrated (feeling). I have a need for reciprocity (need) and this situation isn’t meeting that need. I would like to work out some sort of schedule or arrangement that is more balanced (request). Would you be willing to do that?”

A fair, blame-free, ultimatum-free, dialogue.

Internal Clarity

Our needs are incredibly powerful. They come from deep inside us, and when we don’t feel our needs are being met, it’s natural to have a powerful, emotional response. I sometimes find so-called “negative” emotions hard to process. For me, they can feel quite foggy, so thinking of them in terms of unmet needs helps me get clarity around what’s going on for me. Looking for the met or unmet needs behind my emotional responses helps me identify what is really important to me, and meet that need in the future.

Thinking of myself as a being with needs and preferences also helps me communicate better with others. I’m able to give other people clear positive feedback when my needs are being met, and make requests when my needs aren’t being met. Equally, it’s helpful for me when other people express themselves in terms of feelings and needs. For example, when someone sends me an email saying that something I have done meets their need for intellectual stimulation and learning, I know what they are feeling far more clearly than if they just say “It was great”.

Communicating our feelings and needs feels vulnerable, because it is vulnerable. We’re approaching our interactions with a level of openness and transparency that might feel alien and risky. But it is only when we do this that we can meet our needs, fulfil our preferences, and truly get what we want.

What are you feeling and what are you needing? How can you share that today?

Next Week: How to Create a Self-Care Kit

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Say Hello

 Hannah:

@becomewhour

Facebook: www.facebook.com/becomingwhoyouare

www.becomingwhoyouare.net

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I’ve had a tricky history with goals: I love making them, but I find it hard to see them through. I start off brimming with enthusiasm, but somewhere along the way, I get distracted by other shiny goals, lose interest and ultimately stop actively working towards the goal. I still have the goal in mind, and it’s still something I’d like to do, but I’m not actually doing anything to get myself there.

That scenario has changed for me this year. In January, I listened to Natalie Sisson and Natalie MacNeil talk about a concept called 5x5x5 on the Suitcase Entrepreneur podcast (big hat-tip to them for this idea). It sounded pretty neat, so I implemented it. So far, I not only have clearly defined goals for this year but (to my surprise) I’ve enjoyed slowly but surely working towards them.

This system is simple, no-nonsense and, best of all, it works. It addresses the hardest goals of all – the big meaty challenges that require persistence, those goals that aren’t going to happen overnight, and those goals that will push ourselves beyond our comfort zone and expand our concept of what we can do.

How it works

You start with five Big Hairy Audacious Goals (I think original credit goes to Seth Godin for this term, but correct me if I’m wrong) for the year. BHAGs are challenging, but not impossible. They fall into the “could do, if I really went for it” category; reading 125 books is one of my personal BHAGs for this year, becoming an astronaut is not.

Like any goal, you’re more likely to achieve a BHAG if it’s specific and measurable.  ”Read 125 books” is specific and measurable, “Read more” is not. If in doubt, think “How will I know when I have achieved this goal?”

Next, you list out five milestones for each goal. These might be five steps you need to take in order to reach each goal, or intermediate goals to reach between now and the end of the year.

For example, if your goal was to visit Thailand, your intermediate goals might include costing the trip, booking flights, saving a certain amount of cash, and so on. If you wanted to save $2,000 by the end of the year, you might plot out how much you need to save by June, September and so on, to be on track for that goal.

Finally, you list out five strategies for achieving each goal. These are different to milestones; think of your strategies as the behind-the-scenes activities you’re going to be doing to give yourself the greatest chance of achieving your BHAGs.

Using the examples above, your five strategies for achieving your trip to Thailand might include asking your boss for a raise or taking on freelance work to boost your income, saving a certain amount each month, racking up as many frequent flier points as possible, etc. To save $2,000, your strategies might include quitting your Starbucks habit, taking home-cooked meals to work instead of buying lunch, adding $2 a day to a money jar, and so on.

So, in summary, the 5x5x5 plan consists of:

• 5 BHAGs
• 5 milestones involved in working towards each BHAG
• 5 strategies for achieving the BHAG

How to track your BHAGs

The beauty of this system is that it not only gets you thinking about what you really want to do with your time (and prevents the “ooh… shiny other goals” syndrome that I experience), but it helps you stay conscious of how close you are to achieving your goal by the end of the year.

I love lists and metrics, so I created a spreadsheet of my BHAGs and milestones. For number-based BHAGs, like the 125 books, I changed the game slightly and split my BHAGs into monthly goals. For each measurable BHAG, I record the monthly target, my actual tally and the positive or negative difference. This means I can review my BHAGs monthly and see at a glance how far ahead or behind I am.

A few tips and thoughts:

• You are unlikely to achieve all your BHAGs, but that’s OK. The point is to aim high and if you achieve three or four out of five, that’s awesome. I can already tell which of my BHAGs I’m likely to achieve, and which will be more challenging, and part of the fun is working out what I can do to get as close as possible.
• I set 5 work-related BHAGs and 5 personal BHAGs for myself this year. There are definitely pros and cons to doing this, and I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. Sometimes it feels like way too much, but on the other hand it also helps me stay more conscious of my balance between work and play.
• Like I mentioned above, I track monthly because I’m a metrics fiend and love recording most aspects of my life. The original idea is to set five milestones, so while I find it helpful to review my progress monthly, there’s no ‘right’ way to do this.

Finally, if you’re curious about my BHAGS…

My work-related BHAGs are around my monthly income, the number of people subscribed to Becoming Who You Are, the number of guests posts I write and interviews I conduct, public speaking, and contracting a VA to help with the necessary but time-consuming behind-the-scenes stuff.

My personal BHAGs are the reading goal I mentioned above, mastering specific yoga poses, speaking Spanish to a certain level, a savings goal, and a long-distance running goal.

Like I said… perhaps not the best idea to have 5 personal and 5 professional goals – but we’ll see!

This week, I challenge you to create your own 5x5x5. We’re only a quarter way through the year, so it’s not too late. For extra bravery points, leave a comment and let me know one or more of your 2013 BHAGs

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The post 5x5x5: The Simple Way to Achieve Your Big Hairy Audacious Goals appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

Useful Links

The Family and Individual Development – D.W. Winnicott

A Secure Base – John Bowlby

The Becoming Who You Are Resources page

Say Hello

 Hannah:

@becomewhour

Facebook: www.facebook.com/becomingwhoyouare

www.becomingwhoyouare.net

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The post Episode 22: True Self/False Self 101 appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

This post is a follow-up to Friday’s email, which itself was a follow-on to one of March’s posts called “Are You Feeling Rational?”

Last week, I saw a Facebook conversation about the Law of Attraction, which is a popular framework in the personal development world.

This particular discussion was about LOA’s approach to the the concepts of positive and negative thinking, namely that if you think negative thoughts then you will draw negativity to you in life, and vice versa with positive thoughts.

It makes total sense that if we go around thinking “My life sucks, no one likes me, I’m a total failure and I’m no good at anything” (and acting on these thoughts), then we’re absolutely setting ourselves up to have those beliefs confirmed.

At the same time, however, I do think negative thoughts, and I feel ‘negative’ feelings. And, overall, I am very happy with my life – not despite these negative thoughts and ‘negative’ feelings, but because of them.

Like I said in last week’s email , we are all made up of multiple, seemingly contradictory parts. Except they’re not contradictory, because on one level or another, they are completely rational. When I think a negative thought or feel a negative feeling, that is a big flashing neon sign that I have one or more unmet needs, that I’m not living in a way that is aligned with my values, or that I am encountering external situations or people that aren’t in line with my values.

In other words, negative thoughts and feelings are useful.

The mega issue with ‘positive thinking’ movements like the Law of Attraction is that there is a huge danger in wilfully pushing away negative thoughts and feelings. Negative things happen. We experience crappy life events, we meet negative people, we have negative days where, through no fault of our own, negative stuff just happens that feels very negative.

And at those times, we feel angry, hurt, sad, frustrated and a myriad of other so-called ‘negative’ emotions – not because we have trouble letting go of these thoughts and feelings, but because we’re human.

Newsflash: This is healthy.

Anger is a healthy response when someone has wronged you. Sadness is a healthy response to perceived loss and longing. Frustration is a healthy response to unmet needs. When we try to ‘let go’ of these emotions, we lose a vital part of our internal communication.

But aren’t we just going to become bitter, twisted, and filled with unprocessed rage?

Some people love negativity. They thrive as victims, and get a kick out of being able to best other people when it comes to the worst thing that happened (of course they don’t really ‘love’ it, it’s just where they feel most comfortable). Some people get trapped in spirals of negative thinking. They internalise childhood messages and repeat that script to themselves as adults. They end up believing that they’re not good enough, not smart enough, not capable and not loveable. Some people project their own negative feelings about themselves onto the world around them. They use social interactions to morally position themselves above others by bringing the people around them down a notch or two.

Noticing your negative thoughts and feelings doesn’t mean that we have to fall into any of the above categories.

The trick is in honing our ability to differentiate between negative thoughts and feelings that are serving our authentic living, and negative thoughts and feelings that aren’t serving our authentic living.

Remember the states that negative thinking can indicate:

• Unmet needs
• Living in a way that isn’t aligned with our values
• Encountering external situations or people who are treating us in a way that isn’t aligned with our values

When we start questioning what our negative thinking is about, we learn to identify what we can do about it.  After travelling for several months, I recently started feeling lonely. To me, that’s a sign that I need to better meet my need for connection – something I take for granted at home, but isn’t so readily available on the road.

For some of us, negative thinking can start to feel very comfortable and safe. It feels too risky to think positive things about ourselves or the world around us – especially if we’re used to people bringing us down again. In that kind of situation, negative thinking might indicate a need for security. It could also indicate that we’re in an environment that isn’t conducive to our needs, or that we’re not living in a way that’s aligned with our values.

When we’re comfortable in our negativity, or if we’re finding it hard to identify the unmet needs behind our negativity, regaining a balance between the positive and negative can be tricky, so it can be useful to get outside support from a trusted friend or counsellor in the process.

In the short-term, the fear-based “don’t dwell on negative thoughts or you’ll invite negativity into your life” approach might feel easier. In the long-term, though, those negative thoughts and feelings you’ve swept under the rug will still be there. And they will make themselves heard, because they have a purpose.

What is your negativity telling you?

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The post 3 Reasons Negative Thinking is Good For You appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

Conversations are the gateway to our relationships with others, yet often we take these interactions for granted. In this episode, I discuss five principles we can use to enhance our conversations and get the most out of them. These are:

1. Listen

2. Reflect

3. Be honest

4. Don’t take it personally

5. Take a break if you need to

I also share some useful tips and feedback a reader sent me after I published a blog post on this topic.

Say Hello

 Hannah:

@becomewhour

Facebook: www.facebook.com/becomingwhoyouare

www.becomingwhoyouare.net

Photo Credit: Benson Kua via Compfight cc

The post Epsiode 21: The Art of Conversation appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.

The app is designed especially for people who experience writer’s block when it comes to journaling. As Amy explains: “I developed Quiller in response to a need. Many people want to write about their lives but don’t know how to get started or keep the momentum. Quiller is about accessing complex emotions that can be difficult to describe.” With this focus, it’s still a wonderful tool for everyday journaling, whether you simply want to get your thoughts out of your head and onto “paper”, or if you prefer a more directive approach to journaling.

(Disclosure: the developer offered me a free copy of Quiller so I could try it out. This didn’t influence my review: if I didn’t think it was a worthwhile resource, I wouldn’t write about it)

Quiller Tour

Quiller is a beautiful app from start to finish. First-time users get a set of handy tips that point out the app’s different features and show you how to make the most out of using the app.

Even though it offers a lot of features, the app is surprisingly easy to use. Some well-meaning journaling software and app developers try to squeeze extra functionality into their product without paying attention to the interface, which is a real headache when you’re trying to get to grips with the software. Quiller, on the other hand, provides you with everything you need to keep a basic journal, as well as a few added extras.

The first thing to do when you open the app is to choose your starter journal. I went for this snazzy cloth-covered number.

You can choose as many journals as you like. Four different styles are available for free, and you can purchase further journals for a small fee within the app. This is handy if you want to keep separate journals for separate parts of your life, or for separate activities. For example, I like to keep my daily journal, with all my morning pages and so on, separate from some of the other journaling exercises I talk about in my book.

 One feature of Quiller that I really appreciate is the respect for privacy. Many iOS apps add additional privacy by requiring an additional 4-digit code (like your device’s passcode). Quiller allows you to create secure keyboard-based passwords. You also have the option to use the same password for each journal within Quiller, or choose different passwords – depending on how secure you want to keep your writing.

Inside each journal, Quiller lets you add text, emoticons and pictures or photos from your iPad album to each entry. You can customize the text font and colour, and add tags too.

Quiller’s crowning feature is its prompts. If you’re struggling to find something to write about, the app provides five writing categories and over 200 free prompts (with more available as an in-app purchase) that provide a thought-provoking starting point for that entry. Other prompts focus on more specific topics, such as “Loss Of A Love” and “Thank You: A Journey To Gratitude”.

Once you’ve racked up a few entries, you can start viewing statistics. As you can see, these include your most frequently used journal, category, emoti-me (i.e. the emoticon you assign to each entry) and your most common tags.

If you’ve read my review of 750words.com, you’ll know that this is one my favourite benefits from digital journaling. Being able to view key statistics about mood and what we write most about can be a fascinating overview into our journaling practices.

To finish up, here’s a quick overview of some of the app’s other useful features:

• Turnable pages, just like a paper journal
• Export entries as a .txt or PDF file (and set annual reminders to export)
• Use keyword tracking to find past entries
• Sync your entries via iCloud
• Share selected entries on Facebook

I’m looking forward to using Quiller more in the future! If you want to check it out, the app is available now through your local iTunes store.

What digital journaling tools do you recommend? Leave a comment and let us know!

The post Resource of the month: Quiller Journaling App appeared first on Becoming Who You Are.