I wasn’t actually going to write a post right this minute but this particular thing SO annoys be that I’ve decided to vent.

Here’s what I HATE:

You walk into the frozen yogurt store (well, at least I do) and there are a number of people in front of you.  Now this is one of those “do it yourself” places that are all the rage right now.

So you take your cup and put your froyo in it and then you go to the “toppings” station.  In this case, I was going to get berries as I was having my froyo for lunch, but in any case, there were people in front of me but nobody behind me.

First I waited while the mother of a small child got her yogurt, all the while the kid was pointing at this and that as apparently she wanted all the toppings.  I have no problem with this for the most part although I could have easily gotten my berries if the woman had just moved the kid out of my way.

So I get my stuff and here it comes, this is where I get pissed off.  You see, this woman was part of a larger group, a much larger group.  I, as an individual, obviously only had one yogurt but of course the first member of this groups puts her yogurt on the scale as soon as she’s ready.

Meanwhile, I too am ready but guess what?  That’s right, the other members of the group weren’t ready yet.

I’ve been in this situation before, both as the person with a group and as the individual and let me tell you, I always let the single person go through.  I do this at the yogurt store, I do this at the grocery store, I do this everywhere.  If you have a large checkout and there’s a single behind you without much stuff to check out you LET HIM OR HER GO FIRST.

So, I’m looking at this woman who’s literally just waiting for the rest of her party to finish making their yogurts.  They’re not even done making them yet!

Finally, the group gets all the yogurts on the scale and now it’s time for them to pay.  Does the woman have her wallet out? No, she doesn’t.  She’s had all this time to prepare and I’m pretty damn sure she knew she’d have to pay but she has to hunt through her pocketbook to find her wallet.

As she gets the wallet out the total is 10:13.  She has a twenty, of course she does.  Not only that but she doesn’t want change so now she has to hunt for the proper change.  Am I getting antsy? YES, I most certainly am.  Finally the lady locates a quarter and they pay.

Does this mean that she immediately takes the yogurts of the scale? You would think it does but apparently, the next decision, the decision on WHAT COLOR SPOON to get is even more important so the entire party shifts their focus that way.

When they turn back around the lady glances at me and says “oh, I’m sorry” and then I kill her.

Actually, I didn’t but I was pissed.  I was pissed because I could have ordered another 2000 yogurts by this time.  I had my money out and was all ready to go and eat my splendid half melted meal.

So people, have a little common courtesy.  If you’re with a big party and you can let the cranky lady with the frizzy hair through in front of you, you should probably do so.

Just saying …

I don’t know about you guys but I had to take a drivers license test before they actually gave me a driver’s license.  First I had to take a written test so that I could assure them that I knew the rules and THEN I had to take a driving test before they actually let me drive.

I’m only saying that because the sheer number of people who don’t understand the school bus rules is astonishing and I can’t figure out how they managed to pass the test.

You see, I live near a school and I live near roads and I live near kids therefore there are school buses around.

Nothing drives me crazier than when people stop for school buses when they are in situations that they don’t have to.

I shall endeavor to explain:

Rule 1:  On ANY two-lane road (that’s one lane in each direction folks) you must, MUST, stop for a stopped school bus.  This is in both directions.  You have to stop.

Rule 2:  On ANY three-lane road with a middle turning lane (technically two-lanes with a turning lane) you MUST stop for a stopped bus.  This rule is for both directions as well.  That’s because they pick up kids from both sides of the road.

Rule 3:  On ANY four-lane road (two lanes in each direction) you MUST stop for a stopped school bus.  This is also in either direction you are going.

Ok, so 2, 3 or 4 lane roads you MUST stop in either direction.  Get it?

Rule 4:  On ANY five-lane road (two lanes each direction with a turning lane in the center) you ONLY need to stop if you are behind the bus.  That is you are actually moving in the same direction of the bus.

All you stupid people who are going in the other direction and create a huge logjam on the road, you are screwing up.   They do not allow kids to cross a road with a turning lane that’s over 3 lanes.  Therefore, you are stopping for no reason.

These people aggravate the hell out of me since this happens regularly 9 months a year.

Rule 5:  Any divided highway you must stop for a stopped school bus that is moving in the same direction as you are going.

So, to all the morons who stop when they don’t have to please learn the fucking rules.

Yours truly,

Lynn MacDonald

I know that I mentioned that I “pitched” Kyra Phillips and the Raising America staff to be on their show when I was in California.  Let me tell you about that:

Ann and I were in the main room when I got fed up with the stupid questions that people were asking (shocking I know) and we left.  As we were walking past one of the smaller rooms, we were asked if we wanted to “pitch” to be on HLN’s show “Raising America with Kyra Phillips.”

Despite the fact that I neither knew what HLN was (turns out it’s CNN Headline News and they’ve renamed it) or what “Raising America” was (it’s a news show for the entire family shown at 12:00 noon Monday through Friday) or who Kyra Phillips was (anchor of said show) I said “sure” figuring that this would be GREAT for Ann.

Ann Zuraw, my close friend from home, is a Certified Financial Planner and she specializes in many of the problems that women face nowadays.  We found out that the pitch was two minutes long before a panel of 5 people.  We had 40 minutes until “showtime.”

We spent the next 40 minutes working on Ann’s pitch (she really is a great person and helps sooooo many people) and it was time to go back.  Ann was pitch #2 and I had been convinced to sign up as pitch #3.  We listened to pitch #1 and thought, “shit, that guy was good and is all about raising money for charity.  We’re totally screwed.”

Then it was Ann’s turn and despite a rocky start, she convinced them that she would be an asset to the show and she was “accepted” into their “yes” pile.  Now it was my turn.

This was a bit problematic for me because a) I don’t have a product and b) I get nervous speaking in public and by now the room had close to 100 people in it and c) I hadn’t planned anything.  Fortunately, I can bullshit with the best of them and I started my pitch, which was essentially, “I can talk about anything, any time, any day.  I use humor to defuse every situation and I’ve had a lot of situations (mentioned all the deaths, the Asperger’s, the tumor).  I have taught my kids life isn’t fair and that it isn’t what happens to you that defines you but how you react to it that does.”

Then made a bunch of jokes about how much fun I would be as a panelist on their show.  Then they asked me about my business card and why it said “Professional Talk Show Guest” (ummmm…that’s my job title on my card) and I asked them why the hell I would want to be a host because it’s so much work but being a guest seemed like a lot of fun?

All in all, it was a chaotic wreck but lots of the people in their remarked on how it was “the funniest pitch I have ever heard” and one guy even admired how I “threw myself under the bus by admitting that I had no idea who they were and what their show was.”

Long story short, it was a hilarious disaster. OR WAS IT?

This week I received an email saying:

Hello and congratulations!

We are so excited for you to be part of the show.

Start thinking about your segment or story and how you would like to contribute. I will assign one of the Raising America segment producers to work with you. We want you and your story to shine so we will make sure you are good and ready.

If you see a story in the news that directly relates to your area of expertise, please send me a more urgent email about how you could contribute to that story.

 Congrats!!!!!!

Holy shit, they have accepted me to do a segment on Raising America.  The only problem is that I don’t have an “area of expertise.”  So here’s where it gets tricky people and I need your help.

Any ideas?  Here’s Andie’s:  she wants me to be like Andy Rooney was on 60 minutes and have a short segment called “what really gets my goat” and I can talk about all the little ridiculous things that we all encounter in life that annoy me.  I mean, that’s basically what this blog is anyways.

I can’t think of any other types of segments I’d be interested in.  Obviously I could talk about raising kids with Asperger’s or dealing with Medical issues but that sounds boring so what do you guys think?

I need some input here.

Case in point:

This morning I was at the gas station filling my car up with gas (and buying a lottery ticket but please, please don’t tell Kevin because he gets pissed when I buy a lottery ticket JUST BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER WON!)

So I was filling up the car with gas (didn’t I just say that) when a truck pulled behind me pulling a trailer full of lawnmowers.  (There could have been other things as well but that really isn’t pertinent to the story)

I was just finishing putting the gas nozzle back (I’m awesome like that) when a car pulled up directly in front of me to park in front of the little store. (He was probably going to buy lottery tickets too … or beer … or food … or soda.  Actually, I have no clue what he was buying and actually, also not pertinent to the story).

The thing was that he was perpendicular to my car and about 3 feet in front of me so I couldn’t move my car.  I said to myself (albeit out loud where other people could hear me) “is this guy kidding me?” and apparently he wasn’t kidding me because he started to get out of the car.

I walked up to him and said, “excuse me but I can’t get my car out if you park here” so he looked around and realized how ridiculous he was (this is me surmising his thought process here.  I assume he realized he was ridiculous but I really don’t know for sure) and then he got back in the car and backed up so I could get out.

As I was driving away and thinking how stupid some people are he pulled right back to where he was thus trapping in the truck with the lawn mowers (and possibly other things) because they sure as hell couldn’t back up with a trailer attached.

The entire drive home I wondered how some people could function in such an oblivious fashion and truly, I have no idea.

Well, that’s my whole rant and my entire post so if you’re one such asshole you need to rethink your life.

DISCLAIMER:  I CANNOT IMAGINE A SINGLE ONE OF MY BLOG READERS ARE ONE OF THOSE ASSHOLES BUT IF YOU ARE, PLEASE CHANGE!!

It’s the little things in life that drive me insane.  Here is a case in point.  The other week I was at the Ritz Carlton in Laguna Nigel for the Mom 2 Summit and I must say, the hotel was gorgeous.  I had very few beefs with the entire weekend other than once you walk down to the beach you gotta walk back up and my room was certainly not centrally located HOWEVER those are things that happen and such as life.

In the mornings the Ritz had a breakfast for the attendees of the conference and first I was a bit annoyed that they had eggs both days and NEVER had oatmeal but that’s not even what this post was about.  This post is about coffee.  Well, it’s not specifically about coffee but it’s about the coffee SET UP.

After I ate my cereal I needed to start ingesting caffeine ASAP and the way I do that is I drink coffee.  So I walk up to the table with the coffee on it and there’s your regular coffee, your decaf coffee and of course there’s hot water for the few tea drinkers amongst us.

I grab two cups (told ya I needed copious amounts of coffee), fill them with coffee and look around for the fixins’ table.  It’s right next to my table so I walk over to that table and add my sweet and low and milk (isn’t this interesting) and look for the stirrer which SHOULD be in the middle of the table but is actually at the other end.  MISTAKE #1.

I stir up my coffee and now I’m good to go and I start looking all over the place for the lids.  Where are the lids? Can’t find them.  Where are the fucking lids? Finally, I’m informed the lids are over on the original table next to the coffee.  MISTAKE #2.

I walk over there and put on the lids and now I need my little brown sleeves because the cups are so hot.

Where are the sleeves? I look around and finally I glance back at the fixins table and there are the sleeves.  WTF?  Why are the sleeves over there? MISTAKE #3!

So I’m muttering and bitching and moaning with another woman ALSO looking for the lids and sleeves and I explain to her the ENTIRE process is inefficient.

“They should have the coffee cups with the sleeves next to them.  Then you walk to the fixins table and fix it up and then you put the lid on.  Who puts the lid on and then takes it back off to fix up the stuff?  That’s not at all efficient!”
She agrees with me and asks me if I’m going to let the Ritz know that the setup is ass backwards (my words, not hers) and I inform her that actually “no, I’m just going to write a blog post about it” because people, that’s what I do.  I just make fun of the world but don’t actually change it.

Why am I NOT in charge of the world right???

Dear people:

I have both good and bad news.  The good news is that Andie MacDonald is home for the summer.  Actually, that’s the bad news too.  You see, Andie is a moody creature so she’s either awesome or I want to kill her.

It’s been one day and so far so good.  Yesterday, we were trying to figure out her housing situation during med school (Duke University Med School has no housing. Why do you not have housing Duke? It would make a big difference in the stress level of your incoming first year med students?)

So we were figuring out the housing and a phone call needed to be made and she didn’t feel like making it so she asked if I would make the phone call in exchange for a BLOG POST so you guys, of course I took that deal because I’m lazy and she’s funny.

I also pointed out that the last blog post she wrote was immensely popular and her point system was a hit although she never added up the points and she pointed out that you guys (the readers) should be able to do math so yeah, that’s what she’s like.

At any rate, she hasn’t actually lived at home since high school so this should be interesting. I’m actually looking forward to having the “fun” Andie at home as this will be the first stress-free period she’s had in quite some time.

Daniel left yesterday to go back to school for both summer school and his job so I’m sure we will see him as well but mostly it will be mother-daughter bonding (I hope) or mother-daughter fighting (possibly) or daughter visiting mother in prison (a possibility but I hope not) for beating up said daughter.

Next week Andie is going to visit Keely since is the longest they have ever been apart since Andie was born (or as I like to tell her, accidentally added to our family hence her nickname: The Accident.)

This people, is how you raise healthy and happy kids.  By calling them nicknames like “The Accident.”  Speaking of nicknames, last Sunday was Mother’s Day but due to the fact that it was also Duke Graduation it was all about Andie.

Yesterday, I received a box with a note saying I was the best “mom” ever and that it was from “The Gift” aka Keely Rae MacDonald.

The minute I opened the yummy chocolate and read the card, both Andie and Daniel looked at me and said “fucking Keely” because you just can’t top “The Gift” and now they looked bad.

Hahaha… well, I thought it was amusing.

In other news I saw Maya Angelou yesterday and I should write about her and I might write about her but we shall see because this entire blog is so out of order already ya know?

I’m hoping it will be a great summer and Andie will be happy and Daniel will like his job and Keely’s job is done at the end of June so if you guys know of anyone looking for a writing PA in Los Angeles drop me a line.

See ya,

Lynn

WRITTEN TWO WEEKS AGO COMING HOME FROM CALIFORNIA. I CAN’T HELP IT IF I’M DISORGANIZED. GET OVER IT!  Also, this is a silly post.  WHATEVER!

I’m on the plane and we’re sitting here on the runway awaiting takeoff.  I’m probably not supposed to have my electronic device on but the pilot just came on the loudspeaker and announced that we aren’t allowed to takeoff before 8:00 AM on a Sunday morning.  Apparently there’s a curfew which is fine but it does tend to make you wonder why in the world we have a 7:45 AM flight. **

Speaking of 7:45 flights I am traveling with my friend Ann, of Chicks, Chat and Change heading back home from the Mom 2.0 Summit held at the Ritz Carlton in Laguna Nigel.  We had planned for the taxi ride to the airport to take an hour and it actually only took 15 minutes thus getting us to the airport at 5:45 for the 7:45 flight which really should be an 8:00 flight since we are apparently not allowed to leave because of the curfew. Isn’t that stupid?

The point is that we got to the airport ridiculously early.  Ann was bound and determined to show me the “illustration” collection that they apparently have in the Santa Ana Airport so EVEN though we walked through security and our gate was right there, she made us start walking to the other end of the terminal where she thought the collection was.

So we walked and we walked and we walked and no collection.  Finally she said, maybe we should turn around which was perfect since my sock had slipped into my sneaker (yeah I really dress up to travel) and I needed to take my shoe off.  Since we still had an hour and a half we decided to have breakfast in the diner that was nearby.

After a delightful breakfast of coffee and oatmeal we realized that SHIT our flight was boarding and we were still miles away from our gate and how ridiculous would that be to miss a flight that we had been two hours early for?

So we raced to the gate where Ann informed me that “I feel guilty telling you this but I’ve been upgraded to First Class for this segment” which cracked me up since its a 50 minute flight and we have almost spent that much time on the runway waiting to be allowed to leave.

So what’s my point?? I don’t have a fucking point.  I was just telling you about how much I’ve already enjoyed my day.  I decided to have loads of coffee because being really sleepy all day is the only way I’ll actually sleep tonight so now I’m tired and wired and I have to pee.

Ok, this iPad is driving me up the frakking wall so I’m going to obey the pilot and turn it off down.  See ya

** thank god we were first for takeoff because there was 3 planes behind us and we could have been fourth for take off.  Good grief!!

“I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university.”

― Albert Einstein

I read this quote yesterday when it flitted by on Twitter and it is virtually what Melinda Gates said this past Sunday as the Speaker at the Duke University Graduation, Class of 2013.

If you aren’t aware, Melinda Gates is married to Bill Gates (of Microsoft) and they started the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation back in 1997.

The foundation’s mission is to work on global health.  Soon after starting the foundation, Melinda began to travel to many “third world countries” (she hates that word) and started meeting the people that she was trying to help.

What she discovered was that they had similar hopes and dreams for their children: they wanted them to be healthy, happy and successful.  The only difference was that it would be much more difficult for these poor people to achieve that goal.

What Melinda wants is for these kids, these new graduates, to use their connectivity (internet, Twitter, Facebook, email) to make the world a smaller place thus helping the uninformed, uneducated and unaware and not just the group of people they already know.

She pointed out that as people get more successful, they tend to stay within the confines of their own socioeconomic bracket and never reach out.

She urged us all to reach out. I personally, thought it was a great address and seeing that Albert Einstein also respected each individual just reinforced that attitude.

As I go to listen to Maya Angelou for the Women in Philanthropy of the United Way of Greensboro speak today, I realize that I need to donate more than that; I need to donate my time and brains, not just my pocketbook.

I, along with others, have often been guilty of reaching out with money but not with actions.  I hope that enjoy Dr. Angelou’s address today but whatever the topic is, I am now thinking of myself on a broader scale.

I realize that many of you don’t have the time or resources to reach out and help those less fortunate than you, but if you do I urge you to attempt to make a difference.  After all, if Albert Einstein can see a human being as a human being, so can I.  He was a much smarter person than I will ever be!

I meant to be writing about Andie’s graduation and how Melinda Gates spoke and what she talked about but instead, I’m going to tell you how sideways this day has gotten.

I started out well with me going to my normal Monday morning Pilate’s workout; so far, so good.  Then I needed to go to the vets to pick up my cat and dog, Butterscotch and Tucker.  I get there and I take out my credit card, or in this case, I don’t take out my credit card because it’s missing.

Shit! Where the hell is my credit card? I just spent the weekend down at Duke but what did I pay for versus what did Kevin pay for? I think I paid for dinner Saturday night but I can’t remember when all of a sudden, I’m told that the doctor needs to speak to me.

Why does the Vet need to speak to me? What now animals, what now?  So I go in and sit down and try to figure out whether it’s my dog who’s dying at the slowest rate ever or my cat who is constantly trying to kill herself through unusually stupid methods.  Well, mostly by one method of eating string and destroying her digestive system therefore requiring extensive, and expensive I might add, surgery not once but TWICE.

So she walks in with Butterscotch (of course) who is in her carrier trying to cram her tiny head (probably because it’s lacking a brain) through the mesh and we have the following conversation:

Vet:                 your cat has broken off two of her front teeth

Me:                  what? When?

Vet:                 it looks recent so probably on the trip into the vets

Me:                  are you serious?

Vet:                 yes, you can look at her carrier and see she was trying to gnaw her way out.

Me:                  and her teeth broke off?

Vet:                 yes, two of them at the base

Me:                  what the hell is wrong with this cat?

Vet:                 at least she didn’t eat any string

Me:                  I only live a mile from here.  She was in the carrier for 5 minutes

Vet:                 you are going to want to get a hard carrier so this doesn’t happen again

(Then I begin to wonder how many teeth she has and how many more times she could break them off at a two per rate?)

Me:                  do they hurt her?

Vet:                 apparently not … but you need to make sure they don’t get infected

Me:                  are you kidding me?

Vet:                 … no and also sometimes her lip might get caught on the broken teeth

Me:                  what?

Vet:                 but probably not

And then I looked at the cat as she is cramming her head into the mesh with her eyes closed and thought, “this might be the stupidest cat in the world.”

I texted my family and brought the animals home to find out that Carol, who has been with me for 22 years, was just in a huge car wreck and I took off for the hospital.  Thankfully, while the car was totaled, she is okay other than being sore and whiplashed.

Now I’m home and I need to track down my card, check out my cat’s teeth and make sure Tucker hasn’t crapped all over my house so that’s my day.  How’s yours?

Written last week while at the gym at the Ritz Carlton

Ok people I’m actually typing this post with one hand while riding the recumbent bike at the gorgeous gym at the Ritz Carlton at Laguna Nigel.  The gym is on a cliff overlooking the Pacific and while I won’t say that it’s “inspiring” me to work harder it’s certainly magnificent.

Down below I see dozens of surfers sitting on their boards doing what surfers normally do which is sit on their boards. Seriously, it seems 99% of surfing is waiting for the perfect wave.

Nonetheless I’m attempting to work out because a) as I said the view is magnificent b) I had two pieces of carvel cake yesterday c) I had my turndown chocolates too and d) I really needed too since its been a few days.

So this man got on the bike next to me and he had this pattern of tape crisscrossing his knee and I was curious what was up with that.  I figured perhaps he’d had orthoscopic surgery but those a normally tiny band aids so I couldn’t actually finally, I broke my no bugging people at the gym rule and asked if had recent.y had knee surgery.

No, he told me, he s actually attempting to avoid that by using “spider tape.” ( it’s actually called spider tech tape I just googled it)

This tape apparently helps prevent joint movement so you don’t inflame your joints.

Holy shit, that’s exactly what I need for my elbow and Kevin needs it for every joint in his body.  Apparently it’s the tape that Keri Walsh, the Olympic volleyball player was using last year, and he says it works.

I’m so excited because sometimes being rude and begging someone actually teaches you something.

When I get home I’m gonna try it and I can’t wait to see if it helps.

See? Sometimes working out at the Ritz is a win win.  Have a great one.