The Twin Coach

Sibling Conflicts: Guest Post Solutions From Lisa Sunbury

2012-06-01T14:57:00.000-07:00

After my teleseminar on improving sibling relationships the other week, I got quite a lot of emails from parents who wanted to dig deeper into their children's behaviors. I thought it would be interesting and helpful to ask some of my favorite bloggers and parenting experts to offer their thoughts on a few of the questions that seemed to have some universal themes. My hope is that by answering publicly, that we can not only offer some helpful advice, but also show that those of us working through sibling conflict aren't alone in our struggle.

Lisa Sunbury, a generous and insightful parenting expert.

The first question is being answered by Lisa Sunbury who has more than 20 years of experience teaching and caring for young children. She holds a masters degree in Early Childhood Education, was trained as a RIE associate by the founder of RIE, Magda Gerber, has worked for many years both as a nanny and an infant/toddler teacher and now also teaches RIE parent/infant education classes in Northern California where she lives. Additionally, Lisa writes the thoughtful and inspiring blog, Regarding Baby, through which she and I first got to know each other. I was thrilled when she agreed to answer the first reader question.

"I am a Nanny, and currently work with a family that has two young children, one is 5 (Michael), and the other one is 2.5 (Eric). I have noticed many subtle and intense behaviors between them, and hopefully, you can give me some directions. Here is a typical situation:

Eric picks up and plays with a toy that "used to" belong to Michael, and Michael will say "Hey, that's mine. I want it back", or "Eric, can I have that/have it back?" Eric would respond "No, it's mine" Then there is "No. It's mine" back and forth, till Michael takes it out of Eric's hand, and 1) Eric cries, or 2) Michael takes it from Eric's hand, and Eric bites Michael arm/head-butts Michael, or 3)Eric runs away from Michael, and starts a chase, then Eric throws the toy at Michael (sometimes, Michael dodges successfully, sometimes he fails).

The actual hitting and chasing usually happens when I am not in the same room with them--I would be in the kitchen cooking, or doing other house work. When I am in the same room with them as the conflict starts, I usually narrate "Eric is playing with xxx, and Michael wants it back". They would both look at me, and one of them would say, "It's mine" or "I want it" then I would say, "You both want the same toy, how can you work it out so you both have fun?"

That doesn't seem to sink in since they would continue the tug-of-war until the physical force starts. I then either place my hand on the toy (if hitting has not occurred), and say, "How are you going to work this out?" This usually ends up with me putting the toy away after a few minutes of "But I want it/it's mine/NO it's mine". If Eric is about to hit, or throw, I would block Eric's head or hand, and say "I don't want you hit your brother". He usually cries after I say that, or he would attempt to hit me in the face. I block his hand and say, "I know you are xxx, but I won't let you hit."

I say the toy "used to" belong to Michael since he is the first born, and there are many many toys that were given to Michael before Eric was born, and now those toys are in the playroom. The parents' rule is if a toy is in the playroom, it belongs to everyone. Who gets it first, gets to play. When Michael brings a toy given to him as a personal gift from his room to the playroom, I usually remind him that the rule is when a toy is brought to the playroom, everyone gets to play with it, and ask him if he is ready to share it with Eric. Sometimes he says yes, and sometimes, No. When he says no, I work through the scenario with him about handling his brother's desire of wanting to play with his personal toy.

This might sound like I am talking to him out of it... I could only handle many conflicts a day. Sometimes, I just tell him straight and honest that I am not ready for another fight, and if he insists to bring the toy to the playroom, he will need to find a way to share (now, as I am writing this, I realized what you said on the call.... to replace the word "share" with "take turns". Haha).

Another typical situation is they would do things to each other knowing that by doing so, the other person would react (or shall I say knowing that the grown-ups would react). Or when I am playing with Eric, Michael would interrupt by telling Eric what he should be doing, or correcting Eric's play. When Eric ignores Michael, he takes away what Eric is playing with... and there goes the pattern...."

~ Hannah-Lee Davis

Lisa's answer:

I'm also a nanny for a family who has two children with a similar difference in age between the children.The good news is this: the interactions you describe sound fairly typical and normal for siblings! The reason I say this is good news is because the boys are actually learning a lot about taking the viewpoint of another and being in relationship with each other through their struggles, even though it might not appear so to us as adults!

As hard as it can be for parents, sibling battles
can be a teaching opportunity.

As their nanny, you are in an ideal position to support both children in their learning and growth by remaining neutral, and being on the side of the boys' developing relationship, as opposed to taking one side or the other when they argue, or solving the dilemma of who gets the toy.

Try to envision yourself as a coach, as opposed to a referee. You want to trust the boys and support them to find a way to work out and solve their own differences as much as possible, while you hold the space for them to do so by stepping in when needed to ensure their emotional and physical safety. I have to say, it sounds like you are doing a great job of this!

I hold and express the expectation that the children I care for can and will work out solutions that they are happy with, and that don't involve anyone getting hurt. I'd like to offer a few specific suggestions or thoughts for you to consider based on the scenarios you provided. Since you have noticed that the hitting and chasing usually happens when you're not in the same room with the boys, this is an indication to me that they need the support of your presence and attention to help navigate their relationship in a more peaceful way, so I'd suggest some preventive measures :

This chalkboard table top idea from maya*made
is one way to entertain kids while you cook.

1. When You Have To Be Otherwise Occupied. If you know you have to be occupied in the kitchen or with housework, you can either involve the boys in the tasks at hand, keeping them in sight, or suggest they play separately for a bit. Perhaps you can keep Eric with you, or set up a simple art project in the kitchen if you're working there, or maybe the boys can play in separate rooms independently for a bit? If not, I would say something to them along the lines of, "I am going to be working in the kitchen if you need me. I trust you to play together here in the playroom, and to be gentle with each other." Of course, I'd keep an ear out, and stop whatever I was doing to intervene if I heard a conflict escalating, but sometimes children can solve things better without an adult present!

2. What To Do When They Begin To Struggle With Each Other? The way you are mediating the disputes sounds perfect, but when one of the boys turns to you, and says "It's mine. I had it first", or similar, I suggest calmly turning them back to each other: "I hear you saying you want the toy, but this is for the two of you to work out together. You can talk to your brother." Stay with them for as long as it takes, and keep gently turning them back to each other, resisting the impulse to solve the problem for them. You might quietly remind them that the toys in the playroom are for everyone to play with, and empathize with the child who wants the toy but doesn't have it, "It's hard to wait for a turn when your brother has a toy you want to play with." You might offer that it doesn't appear that either boy is having very much fun, and that maybe it would be more enjoyable for them to find a way to solve their disagreement. The struggle is not a bad thing though, as long as no one is getting physically hurt or physically overpowering another. The more at peace you can feel with the struggle, the more helpful it will be to them. So breathe!

Sometimes it feels as though your
kids fight about every little thing.

3) When The Kids Have Been Fighting All Day. I think it is perfectly acceptable to be honest with both boys about your limits too. If there is a day when the conflict is constant, maybe everyone needs a break and some space, and as the adult, if you are feeling too tired, or just need a brief respite, by all means be honest about this. You may choose to ask the boys to play separately, or to put away toys that are causing conflict. (I might say something along the lines of, "Since it seems like you boys can't decide how to play with this toy/game in a safe/gentle way, I'm going to ask you to put it away for today.")

This language is neutral, and isn't "blaming" one boy or the other, and it moves the conversation away from who had the toy first, who it belongs to, whose fault it is that someone is upset. The arguments the boys are having aren't really over the toys or ownership anyway.The real questions and the bigger issues underlying the struggle are these: How are the boys learning to be in relationship with each other? How do they learn to negotiate alone and together time? How do they learn to communicate, co-operate, and get along with each other in a mutually beneficial and enjoyable way without violence, and how do they work through conflict in a way that leaves everyone feeling heard and respected?

4) Respecting Boundaries. I think the rule about "special or personal toys" is actually a good one, because it gives the boys some choices and power, and allows them to feel a sense of safety in knowing that certain things are their very own, and the boundaries will be respected. In the family I work with, each child has their own room, and this is their private space. They may play together and with each other's special or personal toys in either room as long as the "owner' of the room has invited the other in and they are both enjoying sharing the space and toys. They are both allowed to play in their rooms independently if they choose, and a closed door is respected, meaning no one enters without knocking.

With the two children I care for, it is harder for the three year old to understand when his big sister wants this quiet time, because he always wants to be near her and play with her, but I support her in setting the boundary: "I'd like to play by myself right now," and help him to give her her space when she asks for it. "Your sister wants some time/space to herself, right now. She will join us later. How about finding something you'd like to do for awhile?"

Interestingly enough, the three year old has learned to enjoy this time to play with toys in the playroom that his sister sometimes monopolizes, and/or to enjoy some one on one time with me. If Michael wants to bring a special toy to the family playroom and the family rule is that all toys in the playroom are fair game, I'd simply remind him of the rule, and if he says he doesn't anyone else to play with his toy, I'd respond, "That's fine, but then I am going to ask you to keep the toy/play with the toy in your room."

5) Our Behavior Shapes What They Learn. Your insight about the reactions the boys have learned to expect from adults is quite astute, because children often do act in the way we teach them to through our modeling and responses to them. If they have learned that their disagreements get a lot of attention or big reactions from adults, or if they have learned to count on adults to step in and solve the problem for them, they will often oblige by continuing to act in ways they know get results!

When working with siblings I assume (as I do with all children) that each child is doing the best they can given their current level of development and understanding, and I try to model the behavior I want them to emulate. So, if you're playing a game with Eric, and Michael comes along and interrupts, or tries to boss or correct his brother, I'd assume he wants to join the play, and invite him to do by saying something along the lines of "it sounds like you have a lot of good ideas for how to play. Would you like to join us?" If he joins, great. If he declines, I'd calmly ask him to refrain from "correcting" or interrupting his brother's play. I often say, "Everyone has their own way of playing, and that's Okay."

Playing games together can be a great way to
increase your children's bond with each other.

6) Building Their Bond. I also like to help build the relationship between siblings by finding and setting up activities and games that they can both enjoy together - each at their own level. For instance both the younger and the older boy can enjoy and contribute to games of block building, dance party, chase, hide and seek, scavenger hunts, sand box play, water play, play dough, chalk art, painting murals, building forts, and obstacle course. There are some card and board games that even the two and a half year old can play (if you're on his team at first) like Zingo Bingo, I Spy, picture dominoes, concentration, and Jenga.

I also read story books to both children together that touch on themes of family, friendship, and feelings. One of my favorites is When Sophie Gets Angry -- Really, Really Angry . . . by Molly Bang. I tell stories to the older child (within hearing distance of the younger child) about "When you were two years old..." or we look at their baby books and pictures together, and tell stories about what's happening in the pictures. I feel like this validates both children and helps the older one to understand the younger one's point of view, through a biographical narrative. I empasize how much the older child has learned about being a good friend, and how much her brother is learning from watching her and listening to her. "If you grab toys from your brother, he learns that that is a good way to get a toy." "When your brother hit you, it hurt and you cried."

Sometimes, I will gently coach one or both of them..."What's another way you could ask for a turn?", "It sounds like you might both need to take a break to cool down." If they are both upset and yelling, I sometimes ask them to each take a turn to say what they want to, but again, I encourage them to talk to each other, and not to me, and I act like the broadcaster. I also acknowledge times when they are enjoying each other, playing peacefully, or when either one shows kindness to the other. "I really like how you are helping each other/talking with each other/ playing and co-operating together."

Ultimately, what we all want as parents are
siblings who love and respect each other.

I hope some of these thoughts and ideas are helpful to you. Try to remember when you're in the thick of it that the struggle is what ultimately brings the two together, and just keep supporting them to build their relationship by letting them work it out between themselves as much as possible.

The only way they can learn to negotiate conflict and to live together peacefully is by having ample opportunity to practice! There aren't short cuts. We can't will it, or do it for them as much as we'd like to at times. This is a gift you're giving to them, and one that will serve them well in all of their relationships!

If you are interested in Lisa's parenting classes, please see her website for detailed information. Her blog, Regarding Baby is well worth your time to subscribe to and you can also find wonderful articles and insight that Lisa shares daily on Facebook and Twitter.

____________________

If you have any questions about Lisa's advice, or about your own sibling conflicts, please leave them in the comment section below! Thank you to Hannah-Lee for your question and to Lisa for your generosity in taking part in this guest post series.

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Bear With Me

2012-05-29T20:58:00.000-07:00

Yes, bloggers do tend to over share.

I've fallen behind on so many things lately. Not the least of which is this blog. I have a number of posts I have promised to write, intended to write, want to write...and my life just keeps getting in my way. Not in a bad way, just that I've been rather overwhelmed.

Uncharacteristically, I'm not quite ready to share every detail of what's made it so hard for me to write lately, but one of the things that's been added to my plate in the last week is that I've learned that my children both have some major food sensitivities which means we need to do an overhaul of the way we eat around here.

This shouldn't necessarily throw me for a loop, but given that I am perhaps one of the worst cooks out there, I am having to start from scratch. My children, understandably, aren't completely happy with the idea so it's been stressful trying to help them understand why we have to try this. Add on to all of that my penchant for obsessively researching information which has meant that for the last 5 days I have been buried in articles about living free of gluten, cow's milk, eggs and soy. I've been a little preoccupied.

A few of the symptoms of
food sensitivities.

I had our children tested in part because our son has had some issues with his tonsils and adenoids. But because his symptoms keep coming and going, his ENT and I were hesitant to have surgery performed. Our daughter, as I've written about before, has some intense emotional outbursts that seemed to be getting more intense and more frequent. Since I've often read about the brain/gut connection and because I felt as though I've tried everything else to help her, I thought I'd check out this route.

So, here we are, about to embark on a new dietary life. I don't want to bore you with the details unless they specifically make some improvements in our children's lives. But I wanted you all to understand at least part of the reason why I've been less than prolific in my posts as of late.

Bear with me. I have a post about The Kindness Tree almost done and a couple of wonderful guest posts answering reader questions about sibling conflicts! I'll have those all up during the next week or two.

In the mean time, if any of you happen to be dealing with similar food issues, I would love and appreciate any information, books, blogs or words of advice! Please leave them below in the comment section (or email me privately, if you prefer, at gina@thetwincoach.com). I look forward to hearing your thoughts!

With love,
Gina

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Help For Sibling Rivalry: Teleseminar Replay 3 Days Only!

2012-05-18T20:42:00.000-07:00

Even though it's "normal" for siblings to fight,
it's so important to get to the root causes of it.

Last night I had the great honor of conducting a teleseminar with Patty Wipfler of Hand in Hand Parenting on ways to help improve sibling relationships. For some reason I was nervous about doing this seminar and kept procrastinating about posting about it here. So I apologize if you didn't know about it and missed listening in. But never fear, you can still hear everything we spoke about!

I wrote recently about Patty's new online course "No More Hitting" and really am a huge fan of the work she and her team do. In many ways, her approach is very unique and really powerful. I'm hoping that through these seminars she's been holding with educators like Janet Lansbury and Laurence Cohen (author of Playful Parenting), the techniques she teaches will reach more and more parents and become less unique and much more commonplace!

Patty and I spoke last night about our thoughts on sibling relationships and various ideas we have for improving them. If you happened to miss it (which you very well may have because I didn't tell you about it!), she very graciously has released the recording of the talk which is avaialble for FREE for 3 days only. The link will expire on May 21st after which they will be selling the recoding for a nominal fee.

Having siblings who are kind and loving
to each other is the payoff of all the hard work!

I hope those of you who were on the call found some helpful advice from both Patty and myself. A few of you left me some really lovely messages both here on the blog as well as my Facebook page...thank you! Knowing that you've made some breakthroughs in parenting your children makes me so happy.

So, whether you're listening to the seminar for the first time or listening again, please let me know in the comments if there are any questions you had about what we discussed or any questions you have that we didn't manage to answer.

I'd like to try and take a few of your most difficult sibling issues and answer them as blog posts. So, fire away!

Additionally, a few people asked me about the Kindness Tree that I mentioned in the seminar and I do want to detail that more fully for you and promise to do that in my next blog post!

Please click here to listen to last night's teleseminar "Stop Hitting Your Sister!". I look forward to hearing your thoughts!

Love, Gina

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Want To Know What It's Really Like Raising Twins? Book Review And Give Away!

2012-05-08T10:25:00.000-07:00

Jane Roper's memoir is a great read for any
parent or parent-to-be of twins!

When I first found out I was pregnant with twins, one of the first thing I did was to find books to help me prepare for the road ahead. Since I didn't yet have any friends with twins and didn't yet know about joining a multiples club, books were my first resource.

While there are a ton of books on being pregnant with twins or taking care of newborn twins, there are few and far between that I know of that tackle life as a mom of twins over the span of years. And even fewer that are real, honest and make you feel as if a friend was letting you in on her personal story. That is, until Jane Roper wrote her book Double Time: How I Survived---and Mostly Thrived---Through the First Three Years of Mothering Twins.

I "met" Jane on Twitter about a year ago and soon became a fan of the smart, funny, self-effacing style of her Babble blog, Baby Squared. I was very excited when Jane told me she had just written a memoir and asked if I would read it.

What I loved right away about Double Time was that I felt as though at last someone was speaking my language. Jane doesn't necessarily offer "how-to" advice on handling a twin pregnancy or those first months (or years) with twins, but she chronicles so many moments any parent of multiples will recognize that you instantly feel as though this is a friend who has been in the trenches with you. You feel bonded. You feel understood.

Author, Jane Roper. She's a twin mom
you'll wish you knew in real life.

Most importantly, you come away from reading this book with a picture of what it's really like to raise twins, even if you don't have the added complications Jane had of battling severe depression, being the family breadwinner or struggling with feeling pulled away from the career you had originally dreamed for yourself.

Double Time: How I Survived---and Mostly Thrived---Through the First Three Years of Mothering Twins is hilarious, honest, compelling and ultimately very uplifting. It's a great gift for new and expectant mothers of twins and a great read even for those of us who have passed the stages Jane writes about. It's just so refreshing to feel that there's someone out there who "gets it" when it comes to being a parent of twins and hasn't sugar coated the difficulties or minimized the joys in any way.

Jane Roper's memoir is released today, May 8th. I was honored to be given a chance to read it in advance and Jane has very kindly offered a copy to be given away to my readers. Please leave a comment below and let me know who you'd like to win a copy for (even if it's yourself)!

I'll pick a winner at random (via Random.org) on Mother's Day, May 13th. Please be sure to include a way to contact you if you win and share this review with your friends - I think every mother or mother-to-be of multiples should have this book on her bedside table!

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Help For Hitting And Aggressive Behavior.

2012-04-22T16:20:00.000-07:00

Patty Wipfler, creator of Hand In Hand Parenting

Among the handful of blogs and websites I turn to over and over to find advice and support, is Hand in Hand Parenting. Patty Wipfler, who founded this organization more than 20 years ago, has been teaching and supporting parents since the early 70's.

From sibling rivalry to agressive behavior to common childhood issues like whining, transitions or separation anxiety, the advice and insight offered by Patty and her team always leave me feeling as if I better understand what is motivating my children's behavior and what response from me will work best.

I was very excited when Hand in Hand Parenting contacted me a few weeks ago to review their new online course, "No More Hitting!".

The basic premise behind Hand In Hand's approach is centered on everyone's strong, innate desire to love and be loved. That is, when children act out, they are actually asking for closeness, connection and understanding. When parents' behavior goes "off track", they need support and a place to offload the feelings that interfere with their ability to parent well.

There's help if you feel at a loss as to how to handle
your child's huge emotions or aggressive tendencies

The new course they've developed focuses in on helping parents who have toddlers who bite, push or are otherwise aggressive to other kids. For anyone who just doesn't know what to do, or is concerned about their child's behaviors, this is a course definitely worth checking out. However, even if your child doesn't hit and even if you don't have toddlers, this course can still be life changing.

My Experience

I reviewed this series of 15 short videos over the past few weeks and came away with so much insight into my 5-year old daughter's difficult behavior patterns. She has never had a hitting issue, but she does have huge emotional outbursts, difficulty handling adversity and we get locked into power struggles often. After taking this course I feel armed with some excellent ideas on how I can change the way I respond when she spins out of control into a tantrum and a greater understanding of what is behind her seemingly irrational behaviors. Most importantly, Hand In Hand Parenting's approach has given me a stronger understanding of my daughter's deep need for connection, especially when she seems to be pushing me away.

The Details

Don't worry if you don't have time for a course. This one is self-paced. You have 6 weeks to watch the 3 hours of video which is broken up into 15-minute long segments.
Your partner can watch them as well so you can both be on the same page!
You also get 9 eBooklets including ones on How Children's Emotions Work, Special Time, Crying, Reaching for your Angry Child, Healing Children's Fear and more (a $24 value).

The Bonus!

"No More Hitting" is $79. I'm excited to say that Hand In Hand Parenting has offered 10 sessions at 50% off. These discounted sessions are first come first serve and you just need to enter the code TWINCOACH when you are purchasing. But even if you don't manage to get the course at a discount, it's well worth the $79!

Sign up for Hand In Hand Parenting's new course, "No More Hitting", by clicking here.

If you have any questions I can answer about "No More Hitting", please let me know in the comment section below and I look forward to hearing your thoughts about it once you do take the course!

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5 Ways To Regain Your Calm, Cool, Connection.

2012-04-20T18:15:00.000-07:00

There's nothing that eats away at me more than
guilt over not parenting the way I want to.

If there's anything I know about, it's losing it with my kids and feeling awfully guilty about it 2 seconds later. I've written about it a few times on this blog and probably have many more scenarios I could share, but I will spare you.

What makes it worse for me is that I really do know better! I have many great tools and yet I still fall back on this old, useless tool of yelling, throwing a grown-up tantrum and making pointless threats.

Why? Because I'm not taking care of myself. Because I'm not always practicing being mindful. Because I have set it up in my mind that a particular moment is going to be hard...and then that moment lives up to those expectations. Because I have expectations that the day will be wonderful and when it's not, I am disappointed. Because I have unresolved triggers from childhood, my first marriage, or just life in general. Oh, yes, in any given moment there are myriad reasons why I (or you) may not be parenting the way we want to be in any given moment.

But even if we behave awfully, or just lose it for a moment, we can't wallow in those feelings. We need to make repairs and reset the course of the day. We need to get back to the real us and the real connection with our children. But how?

I think that I'm not alone in feeling these frustrations and wanting to make changes. My posts on keeping calm when you want to explode and triggers, tantrums and mommy time outs are two of the most widely read and shared things I've written on this blog.

Even if we are all working on the introspection to untangle triggers, the deep breathing, the stepping away when we feel stressed, there may still be times when we screw up and yell or make a snarky remark or sigh and roll our eyes. We're human and we make mistakes. But my goal of deeply respecting these two, little people who need me, trust me and love me unconditionally is more important than any frustration I may feel momentarily.

But sometimes it can be hard to let go of the irritation. Sometimes I feel stubborn and want to hold on to my anger. I feel justified in my annoyance in that moment. But I know that not only is it not useful to anyone to stay angry, it's actually damaging to my relationship with my children.

Don't you wish you had a
rewind button sometimes?

1. Be Kind. Rewind

One of the best things I ever taught my children was the concept of rewinding. This was probably way easier to teach in the days of the VHS tape (where the slogan at the local video store was "Be Kind. Rewind"), but nevertheless, your children will get the point.

At whatever point you manage to catch yourself doing things poorly - whether it's just that you notice your connection is "off" with your child or if you have already reached the point where you have been yelling and throwing things - you can stop and ask for a rewind.

When my children were little I used this when they would get stuck in a mood or seemed unable to get out of a struggle with each other. As they were too young to really get into a discussion about it, I just modeled the idea: "Oh, you really wanted that toy and he won't let you play with it. And then you cried and hit him. Now he is crying, too! I think we need a rewind. Let's do the rewind dance!" and I would do it by myself. Now that they're older, they are often the ones who ask for the rewind whenever they feel the disconnect or when mommy is especially grumpy. Rewinding is also an awesome tool when you suddenly realize you're stuck in a power struggle.

Just the act of doing something silly and out of the ordinary will likely alter the mood, but I love connecting it in their minds with starting all over again. Our "rewind dance" is just us being goofy, wiggling our bodies, rolling our arms rather like John Travolta in "Saturday Night Fever" (minus the finger pointing in the air) while saying "rewind, rewind, rewind".

We then stop suddenly, smile brightly and say, "Good Morning!" We continue the goofiness by recounting some of the days happy events as if they are just happening now: "Time to wake up! Would you like eggs for breakfast? Let's go to the park and play on the swings. Then let's make sandcastles that are so tall they touch the sky!" and so on.

By the time we've "re-lived" the day all the way back to the current moment, the bad feelings have dissipated and we can reconnect and talk about what they were feeling or having trouble with.

There is so much healing in
even the simplest of touches.

2. Recharge Your Patience

Obviously, as parents we each need different things to allow us to feel recharged. However, it's not always possible to have 10 hours of sleep or a yoga class every day. So, when I am able to notice that I am feeling depleted and on edge, I have to ask for help. Most of the time there is no one to help me but my kids, so we came up with this very simple idea.

When nothing is going as intended (and things have gone "a bit pear shaped" as my British friend, Jackie, likes to say), you may feel frustrated, annoyed, and like you've got very little left before you blow. Try to catch yourself before you boil over, describe to your children how you are feeling and tell them that you need help to "recharge your patience".

Verbalizing your feelings reconnects both hemispheres of your brain and helps calm you down.
It also helps your children understand that parents have feelings as well.
Doing something unexpected often halts whatever unwanted behavior is happening with the kids.
Asking for their help gets them engaged and focused on something other than the behavior that was frustrating you.

Now that you've asked for the help, give your index finger (or multiple fingers if there are multiple kids) to your child and ask him to hold it as if his hand were the socket that your finger plugs into. I usually add a few sound effects of buzzing and shake my body as if receiving electric shocks...which never fails to get a laugh (another mood buster).

Moving your body this way is not unlike an animal "shaking it off" after a negative encounter; it releases some of the negative energy stored in your body. Plus, a little goofiness goes a long to way to relieving tension and changing the energy for everyone involved!

I would love a quiet, outdoor space
as my cool down spot!

3. Go To Alaska.

As I've mentioned before, we don't use time outs in our family. But we do our best to continue to teach the children that at times everyone needs to cool down...even mommy. When the children were little they created a "cool down corner" that they named Alaska (as it's very cool there. Get it?).

It's not a punishment to go there; it's a place to relax, collect yourself, regain composure and chill out until you're ready to join the group again. Sometimes it's nice to be there alone, sometimes you want company.

Make yourself your own cool down corner and be sure the space is comfortable and inviting. If you are headed there while home alone with the kids, you will probably not have a long time so have whatever you need there that will help you calm down and able to remember your priorities. It can be anything:

A framed photo of your children looking their happiest.
A gratitude journal which you can flip through to remember all you're grateful for.
A memory box filled with little trinkets you've collected during happy outings with your children.
A favorite quote that always brings you back to a more present state of mind.
Music that helps you relax.

The earlier you recognize that you need to go to "Alaska", the better. If you yell in the heat of the moment "I need to get away from you and go cool down!", you're just going to have a screaming child clinging to you for dear life. Because, of course, that kind of response from a parent feels life threatening to a child. However, if you start to notice you are tensing up, instead of ignoring the feeling, verbalize it.

You will need way less time to get past your initial tensing jaw than you will need to repair a full blown temper tantrum in which you made yourself and your children all cry. A little time in Alaska, coupled with some deep breathing, and you should be ready to re-connect with your family.

There is so much power in changing
the way we think of things.

4. Reframe Negativity

Have you ever looked at a room full of scattered toys and thought, "What a mess!" Or listened to your children running through the house, yelping loudly and thought, "Stop making so much noise!" Or sat with your child as she has a tantrum and thought, "She is so difficult. She makes things so hard when she screams and cries."

Consider that if you could stop and reframe those negative thought patterns you would drastically change not only the way you see your life, but the way you experience it.

That "messy room" could actually be viewed as a sign of fun being had.
The loud children could be looked at as joyful children.
The difficult child could be seen instead as one who has big emotions she needs help understanding.

Try making a list of all the things that make you frustrated, angry, unhappy. Then see how you can re-frame each of them. Some may feel like a stretch, some you may need help with in order to see them as positives, but don't give up on it.

I catch myself getting irritated (especially with noise) and because I have been working on re-framing for a while, I am now able to more quickly switch my thinking to focusing on my positive version of what's happening. I can instantly feel my body relax and soften when I do.

This doesn't mean that I let my kids run wild or that my house is a mess (well, sometimes it is). It just means that by re-framing, I allow myself the opportunity to approach each of those things from a calm state of mind and am able to be the connected parent I know I can be. It felt awkward at first, but with repetition, it has become more natural.

Dr. Laura Markham explains this idea of training your mind in a recent post on her blog:

"Because we can’t switch our minds off, our inner critics are constantly looping through negative thought patterns. Brain research shows that our minds actually follow certain patterns that get etched into our neural pathways with frequent use. So when our child does something we don't like, it starts a cascade of negative thoughts: 'Oh, no....He's doing that again...He never listens when I....There's no way to get him to.....Why does he always.....I am so sick and tired of this....If I had behaved that way when I was his age....I need to nip this in the bud or he'll be completely out of control in the teen years.....I must be a terrible parent...'

Sound familiar? The bad news is, many of us walk around in a low level of negativity. It's so easy for our children to set it off. And the things we say or do from the grip of fear never give us the results we want.

The good news is, you can disarm your inner critic. You can develop the mindfulness to notice when you're in a bad mood, and take steps to feel better. You can even "re-train" your mind to to make appreciation a habit, which has been proven to make us happier. Not surprisingly, you'll find that you feel more peaceful inside, which allows you to be a more patient, compassionate parent."

One of the vision boards I created last year
for overall inspiration

5. Give Yourself Visual Inspiration

Sometimes we all need reminders. As much as we may know that remaining composed is a better way to parent, we can still get triggered and lose control. If you find you're doing it often, or doing it often at one particular time (say, during the bedtime routine), then giving yourself a visual reminder of what you are trying to achieve can be very helpful.

Make a vision board. Use photos and quotes that sum up your parenting goals and hang it in a place where you see it every day. Or hang it in the place where you need the most help staying grounded and in the right frame of mind.
If arts and crafts aren't your thing, you can simply hang Post-It notes around the house with words on them that will help you. "Nothing Is An Emergency" is one of my favorite reminders!
Make a public declaration to your children of your intention to change your behavior. I recently took Dr. Laura Markham's suggestion of taking a "Vow of Yellibacy". My kids have created a chart that they put stickers on at the end of the day if they feel I've done a good job of speaking respectfully to them that day. Having that visual reminder out in public is a good way for me to keep my tone in check!

The most important ingredient in all of these methods is forgiveness. You need to be able to forgive yourself in those moments when you are far from perfect. Having a few tricks that help bring you back to being the parent you want to be will allow you to have some sense of control in an otherwise very out of control moment! These are just a few of the ones I use to help me. I'd love to know what you think and what you might add! Leave me a comment below or on my Facebook page - I'm sure you've got some great ideas as well!

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Your Children Will Follow Your Example More Than Your Words

2012-04-01T20:57:00.000-07:00

If you feel its OK to berate your child in public, I wonder
how much worse it must be for that child in private.

We spent the day yesterday with our kids at an all day event at one of the local Science Centers. There were bubbles, there were giant bouncy slides, there were robotic experiments...and there was a dad in line behind us who berated, bullied and shamed his son for a solid 45 minutes.

Every time the boy, who was perhaps 8, moved more than a foot away from where the father felt he should be, orders were barked. Don't touch that! Don't go there! Stand here! Stop doing that! You never listen!

Father's face inches away from son's, father's teeth bared and clenched, angry words spit out. The boy finally couldn't hold it together anymore and weeping, went to hide behind a box nearby.

I was holding my own son in my arms with this all unfolding right behind me. Tears began streaming down my face. Even writing about it now makes me cry. My son kissed away my tears and asked me why that man was talking that way. "Some people have a very hard time being patient" I said. What could I say?

Some people have no idea how to respect children? Some people think that an obedient child is more important than a happy one? Some people can't let go of what they think is "right" long enough to be in the moment and see what is needed? Some people expect children to be able to do things they are not developmentally capable of?

No, I couldn't tell him that. Instead, I cried and searched for the words to reach this man. It wasn't that I felt he was dangerous or that stepping in would make things worse for the boy. It was just that I didn't even know where to begin. How could I make him understand?

I kind of wish I had this printed out
so I could have handed it to this father.

I started by offering to watch his daughter so that he could go speak to his son behind the box. "Thank you. That's very nice of you. But he needs to learn" was the response I got. He needs to learn? Your son is hiding behind a box in the corner! What, exactly, is he learning, dad?

Is he learning that you don't understand him for one minute? Is he learning that what he wants doesn't matter if you don't agree with it? Is he learning that you won't be there when he's deeply upset? Is he learning that he'd better do as you say or you will withdraw your love from him? Is he learning that you care more about how he behaves than how he feels?

I tried again. I forced a smile and said "Sometimes I find that the more I fight with them, the less they do what I want". He laughed, "I know. Sometimes I hear myself and say Ahhh! I sound just like my father!" He paused for just a moment, as if connecting to that. But almost instantly pushed it away with "But sometimes he was right".

Maybe, I thought. But I'll bet he was wrong a lot as well.

I haven't stopped thinking about that boy with the tears running down his freckled face. I haven't stopped thinking about his little sister who seemed to be trying to ignore the whole situation so as not to get involved. I haven't stopped thinking about that man and what it must have been like for him as a child.

"Children don't learn right from wrong by being punished, any more than they learn red from blue by being punished. Kids learn by us showing them red--and showing them kindness, responsibility, generosity, honesty, compassion, and all the other things we want them to learn, in action." ~ Dr. Laura Markham

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Love Me When I Least Deserve It.

2012-03-26T09:14:00.000-07:00

I saw this proverb recently and have been thinking about it a lot. I have been trying to keep it in mind when my children are at their worst. It makes sense, doesn't it? I mean, if you apply it to yourself and think about when you are miserable, grouchy, short tempered...aren't you really in need of someone to understand you?

Isn't what you want most that someone will just take you in their arms and hold you? And don't you think that the simple gesture of showing love toward someone when they, themselves, must feel unloveable is all it might take to make things right?

It's hard though, isn't it? My kids were bananas after bath time last night: screaming, running through the house, hitting each other, not listening to a word I was saying. I was beyond frustrated. When they finally fell asleep I sat down to work and saw this proverb again. I sat, staring at it, and remembered something I read earlier in the day. I had begun a new book a few days ago by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn called Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting and underlined a passage yesterday afternoon:

"The more we are able to keep in mind the intrinsic wholeness and beauty of our children, especially when it is difficult for us to see, the more our ability to be mindful deepens. In seeing more clearly, we can respond to them more effectively and with greater generosity of heart, and parent with greater wisdom."

Once again, I am reminded that mindfulness and attunement is what I need most in parenting. And as I sit here thinking about the evening that didn't go even close to the way I would have liked it to go, and feeling guilty about my short temper, I think that I need to give my unloveable self some understanding. We are all trying our best. And that goes for our kids as well. As the Kabat-Zinns say:

"[Children] see us up close as no one else does, and constantly hold mirrors up for us to look into. In doing so, they give us over and over again the chance to see ourselves in new ways, and to work at consciously asking what we can learn from any and every situation that comes up with them."

Today is another chance to do it better.

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

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Guest Posts And Some Good News

2012-03-20T21:35:00.000-07:00

I know I'm posting a little more often than usual this week. This is just a quick note to tell you a few bits of news!

Allow me a moment of feeling proud...

I'm honored to share the news that Red Tricycle has named The Twin Coach as one of the Best Los Angeles Blogs. Here's what they had to say:

"This a woman you want by your side. Having experienced divorce, infertility, career change, anxiety and more, Gina Osher is a woman who can relate. Her optimism, knowledge and hard-won joy bring inspiration with every article."

If you live on the Western coast of the US do check out Red Tricycle as they always have great postings for everything family related. And this particular post of the best Los Angeles blogs has some other great blogs that you might like...no matter where you live!

Also, I'm Guest Posting This Week!

I've written this week for two blogs that are definitely worth checking out. The first is on an extremely popular online magazine called elephant journal which, if you are not familiar with it yet describes itself as "your guide to what we like to call ‘the mindful life’: yoga, organics, sustainability, genuine spirituality, conscious consumerism, fair fashion, the contemplative arts…anything that helps us to live a good life that also happens to be good for others, and our planet."

I'm thrilled to be working with them and would love if you have time to check out my current post which is, more or less, about what I realized about the difference between being a mindful parent and simply losing my mind as a parent: "Crying In The Hallway: Mindfulness Vs. Losing My Mind"

"In my experience, having more patience is at the heart of enjoying life as a parent. In many ways, practicing mindfulness is also an exercise in developing patience. Slowing down to be mindful from moment to moment can seem difficult for an intense and goal-oriented person like myself, but I have found it very worthwhile to start moving in this direction."

My second guest post is on Amy McCready's blog, Positive Parenting Solutions. I reviewed Amy's excellent book, "If I Have To Tell You One More Time", last year and recently she asked me to write about our decision to give our twins' separate birthday parties: "A Birthday Party For Twins: Shared Or Separate?"

"Of all of the things we do to nurture their individuality and encourage their sense of self, what has most recently seemed to make the greatest impact on them was having separate birthday parties for their 5th birthday."

Thanks to all of you who have shared my blog posts on Facebook, Twitter, your parenting groups and elsewhere. It is because of you that I get wonderful opportunities like this to share my thoughts and experiences with a wider and wider audience.

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

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Creating A Tidal Wave Of Change. Are You With Me?

2012-03-19T22:01:00.000-07:00

"There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children."
~ Marianne Williamson

"One generation full of deeply loving parents would change the brain of the next generation, and with that, the world." ~ Dr. Chales Raison

To write, or not to write? That is
sometimes the question.

There are times when I ask myself why I put so much time and effort into this blog and all that goes along with writing it. This happens occasionally on days when I feel particularly overwhelmed with juggling everything in my life. It definitely happens on days when people who come across what I write send me comments that are so full of vitriol and judgment that I question, just for a moment, my purpose and beliefs.

I am generally a rather private person and am not inclined to enjoy being the center of attention. Nor do I tend to be confrontational about things. And I don't have the thick skin required for being judged harshly. And yet I continue, day after day, to expose myself and push myself to share what is generally a very intimate thing: my struggle to change bad habits, my missteps, my fears, insecurities and self doubts and ultimately, my attempts to overcome it all.

And for what purpose?

I was considering that question the other day. It came up again, but this time in context of being asked what my goal was in writing this blog. When I first started, my thought was to eventually write a book. I still have that goal, I've just had to put it on the back burner for a bit. But, in the almost 2 years that I've been writing, I've noticed that my goals have morphed a bit.

The Ripple Effect...who knows how far reaching
the effects may be of what we teach our children.

I've come to realize that those two quotes at the top of the page are why I do this. I persist in sharing and examining and digging deep because I know in every part of my being that we are all connected. What we teach our children (directly or indirectly) goes out into the world like a ripple in a pond. Expanding further and further to ultimately touch everyone they come in contact with. And everyone they come in contact with creates their own ripple.

Yes, it is often overwhelming to consider how certain beliefs about children that I don't agree with are so ingrained in many people. Yes, it can be disheartening to come up against people unwilling to see things a different way. And yes, it sometimes would be easier to just live inside my bubble and let others fight for this parenting paradigm shift.

I watch parents in the playground barking orders at their children or disrespecting them in myriad ways and I physically hurt. Can I really live in a bubble and ignore the possibility that maybe I can help in some way?

"And there is no easy way to change human behaviour. There is no quick way to change human behaviour. To achieve change we must be patient, be committed, and above all be brave." ~ Aunt Annie's Childcare

Bravery. That's one trait I didn't expect to have to work on when I became a parent. Bravery is for people who fight against racial injustice. Or against brutal dictatorships. How can I look at what I am doing as being brave? But I believe bravery is in the experience of the doer. Not in the eye of the beholder. It is brave for me to share my shortcomings and be willing to be judged. It is brave for me to push myself to find the deep connection, the underlying meaning, the empathetic response instead of just the easy way out. It is brave for me to put myself out there as a parent who speaks up for a different way of doing things...even when I'm challenged by my own insecurities about being visible.

Are you guilty of "childism"?

A recent article in Time Magazine provocatively titled "Childist Nation": Does America Hate Kids? discusses a disturbing trend:

"There’s a general sense now that children’s rights, children’s needs, children’s wants and desires have taken on too prominent a place in our family lives. That we’ve over indulged them and now have to tighten the reins. The backlash is, at base, against ourselves — against a form of boomer and postboomer parenting that many agree has gone off the rails. But the targets of that backlash — its victims — are children."

When I read things like this I know that I have to write. I cannot bury my head in the sand and pretend I don't know the effects of that sort of thinking. I am just one person, but the ripple effect of the compassion, empathy and respect for children I am working to create can grow and expand infinitely. Will you join me?

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

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Weekend Reading: March 16, 2012

2012-03-16T11:56:00.000-07:00

Thank you for being a part of my village.

It's been some time since I rounded up a collection of my favorite posts of the week from around the internet and blogosphere. I had intended to do it weekly, but...sometimes life just gets in the way of my plans!

Lately I've been considering the concept of "it takes a village to raise a child". Of course I understand the original intention of that phrase and even the more modern interpretation of extended family and community helping us bring up our children. I hadn't, until recently, considered the idea that my "village" had become, in large part, the positive parenting community I have become a part of. This virtual village of bloggers, educators, caregivers and parents give so much support and guidance, have so much parenting wisdom and share so much knowledge that I am incredibly grateful to have found them. I know my relationship with my children has benefitted so greatly because of the people around me.

I hope you have a few moments this weekend to slow down and savor some of this really good stuff from members of my village. Some of it is straightforward "how to" stuff, some of it is to just make you think. Either way, I hope you enjoy it (click on the titles to read the the full post).

A little positive parenting...

What Is Positive Guidance, Exactly? {Amanda Morgan, Not Just Cute}

"Perhaps the number one misconception is that positive guidance, or positive parenting, is the equivalent of passive parenting. There’s this notion that the overriding principle is to keep everything positive. Translation: keep the kids happy, no matter the cost. For some, it conjures up an idea of spoiled kids calling all the shots, while their parents turn themselves inside out to shield them from consequences and give them everything they want in the name of preserving peace and protecting self-esteem.
Sorry folks. This is not positive guidance."

Testing The Boundaries - What's A Parent To Do? {Linda Knost, Little Hearts Books/Gentle Parenting Resources}

"Challenging behavior in our children can be really…well, challenging! How do you ‘handle’ a child who suddenly refuses to wear shoes or sit in her carseat/seatbelt or eat, period? Here are some tips to help you regain that snuggly, loving relationship you used to enjoy before your baby became a…shudder…PERSON!"

Nothing makes me crazier than when my
kids fight in the car

The Peaceful Parenting Approach To Kids' Conflicts {Genevieve Simperingham, The Way of The Peaceful Parent}

"When children argue, they’re not trying to make life difficult, but rather they’re experiencing a problem, one that’s very big and very real to them. Children much prefer to be having fun. When two kids argue, they generally both feel frustrated, misunderstood, wrongly accused, rejected and overwhelmed, to name but a few emotions. Additionally fearing their parent’s rejection, blame or, worse still, punishment is not what they need. What they do need is help with managing those uncomfortable feelings that build up in their young bodies and support to solve their problems."

A little inspiration...

Ode To Adolescence {Janell Burley Hoffman for Huffington Post Parents}

"I cannot remember the last time I sang you a bedtime song, shared a blanket with you, trimmed your fingernails, pushed you on a swing, tied your shoes or cut your chicken at dinner. I do not know what the inside of your locker looks like, who you sit with on the bus, or what you choose for lunch in the cafeteria."

Moments Of Connection With Our Children {Darlene Denis-Friske for The Neufeld Institute}

"Instead of attempting to increase the amount of scheduled quality time with a child, I propose something far more basic and fundamental: increase the quality of simple moments everyday whereby you slow down to connect with your child.Parenting is not about what you do with your child, it is about who you are to your child."

A little something to think about...

Slow down and connect. It makes all the difference.

Why The Ritalin Debate Is Asking The Wrong Question: Healing Our Kids' Soul Fever With Simplicity {Kim John Payne for Huffington Post Parents}

"Ultimately, it comes down to a choice. Parents need to decide whether they believe childhood is a fast-paced enrichment opportunity or a slowly unfolding experience. Can we unplug from the viral world for long enough to allow their kids' disorders to flow back into their innate gifts, ready to be offered to the world in their own time, in their own way?"

Love Key To Brain Development {Dr. Charles Raison for CNN Health}

"One generation full of deeply loving parents would change the brain of the next generation, and with that, the world."

I hope there are some good things in here for you. I'd love to hear from you about who's in your village and what inspires you! Leave a message below in the comments.

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

We're Learning The 3 R's. But Not The Ones You Might Expect.

2012-03-12T11:42:00.000-07:00

There are an infinite number of things this child can
be learning by playing this simple game.

Our children have had the good fortune to have been enrolled at The Sunshine Shack, a Reggio inspired preschool, for the past 2 1/2 years. The philosophy of the school's director, and the talents of the teachers, have allowed the natural curiosity of all of the children to be constantly encouraged. Each child's interests and inquisitiveness has been expanded upon, used to form lesson plans and resulted in learning experiences for the entire classroom. One of the greatest gifts our children have received so far from school is a genuine love of learning.

I've been leading tours at our school over the last few months and there are always parents who visit who say something along the lines of "I love the idea of a play-based program, but exactly how do the children learn what they need for Kindergarten?". I think, for many, the idea that children would actually learn things like reading or writing in a way other than with the use of flash cards, memorization or structured study seems impossible. But it's not.

There is opportunity for learning in many unexpected places. Use your imagination!
Image borrowed from Discovering Nature's Alphabet.

Our school director recently wrote some of her thoughts on this subject and has kindly allowed me to share with all of you.

Literacy In Preschool

by Sara Schuelein Perets

"Teaching children to read is a complex amalgam of language competency, visual awareness, understanding how to decipher the codes and symbols of the formed letters, and sometimes memorization (depending on the style in which it is being taught). But seeing the words is just the basics of reading. Understanding what has been read to allow for deep comprehension is different from basic memorization, and I believe it is just as, if not more, important.

Why do we read? What is the purpose?

At The Sunshine Shack, a preschool I founded five years ago, reading is about the love of literature, passion for stories, the ability for children to express themselves, and most importantly about creating an enjoyment of reading. We accomplish this by embracing Relationships, Relevance, and Reflection as an integral part of our curriculum. These three elements are woven into our classroom culture, thus creating the platform for children to gain the ability to read well and to read with joy.

Learning to listen is just as important
as learning to read.

Perhaps if children just learn to read early for the sake of knowing how to recognize words it won’t sustain their interest in reading for a lifetime. The evidence is clear that if a child is pushed to read early for the sake of knowing just how to read by both parents and educators, it has no relevance on their “being ahead” later. Often times, children that take their time in the process will catch up to those who were early readers. Our wish is for children to read for enjoyment rather than necessity.

How do we tie the 3R's into our school's curriculum?

Relationships: Young children learn through relationships: their relationships to people, making connections to materials, and their relationships to their environment. An environment rich with literature and storytelling invites the child to create a positive relationship with reading. Learning through relationships helps a child form connections and builds an enormous foundation for reading. We believe that if we just focused on “teaching children to read” we would be in danger of focusing on mechanics instead of wonderment, expression, and creativity fostered by the relationships that surround them which, in turn, inspire stories.
Relevance: An important aspect of thinking critically is to be able to take relevant information out of experiences and situations. This ability lays the foundation for future study habits when relevance needs to be extracted from pages of textbooks or even lectures. We need to help support children doing this if they are to become good readers throughout their schooling. It all comes down to comprehension verses memorization: are we raising children who are able to understand and follow the story, or just able to read it?
Reflection: Empowering children to reflect on what they have experienced is central to our approach and enables children to become aware of their thinking processes. When we read books out loud to children, it allows them to actively listen. When they have opportunities to learn that skill, they can build relationships through the stories they are listening to and draw relevance out of the material being read ot them. This exposure to literacy will provide children with skills to then talk about what they have heard, to share their ideas, and express their imagination. Learning to listen is just as important as learning to read.

Literacy is developed in many ways.

Absorbing and then thinking about written language are skills that take practice and are developed in many ways other than just “reading the words”. When children are given the opportunities to reflect back what was read through dialogue or drawing, we are fine tuning their listening skills and their awareness of thinking. Those principles are important in developing the pathways that allow for complex strategies to take place and to be able to absorb information on a deep cognitive level.

A child has many ways of expressing
what she has learned.

A Child's sense of imagination as well as their ability to listen and to be more visually aware can be developed and further enhanced by the exposure to art and music. Having creative expression through art allows for the same stories that children might read and write to be expressed in a different medium and can expand upon the depth of the imagination the same way as showing children great works of art can visually stimulate their sense of wonder.

We don't learn in a vacuum.

Education is all interconnected and the more we create curriculums where the children’s ideas can take on many forms, the more they begin to think in complex ways in context instead of seeing the world through an isolated lens. Literature, art, and music, are the tools in which we build our identity, so connecting all of those elements for children will help them not only to read with comprehension but build an important base for who they are."

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Thank you for reading (and thank you to Sara for sharing)!

We'd love to hear your thoughts on these ideas. Please feel free to share them in the comments below.

-Gina

The Twin Coach

Parenting Experts Share Their Secrets (Don't Miss This)!

2012-03-10T16:01:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered:

How to discipline your children without ruining their self-esteem?
How to deal with your picky eaters?
How to protect your child from being bullied at school or online?
How to overcome your own parenting issues so as not to raise children with hang-ups?
How to raise your children financially aware?

I know how hard parenting can be at times, so I'm very excited to tell you about the return of a great series called the Great Parenting Show, the #1 Online Resource for Parents. It promises to answer all of these questions and some you haven't even thought of! When this series ran last year it was AMAZING. I heard from so many of my readers that the information they learned from the featured experts changed their lives. I think this will be another don't miss series.

This breakthrough 3- month series begins on Tuesday, March 13th at 10am PT, 11am MT, 12pm CT and 1pm ET so register right now to get more information:

Not only are the interviews available online, but they are free to you AND you can ask your top parenting question to the 24+ great parenting experts! Best of all for busy parents, the calls are recorded so you can listen at the times most convenient for you.

Here are just a few of the very well-known speakers included on the Great Parenting Show:

Dr. Jane Nelsen is the prolific author of Positive Discipline and other parenting books, past Oprah guest and major influence on other educators (her book Positive Discipline for Preschoolers changed my life).

Dr. Laura Markham, one of my personal favorites

Dr. Laura Markham therapist and author of the amazing Aha! Parenting blog will will speaking on the topic Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. (Uh...you know I will be tuning in for that one!).

Neale Donald Walsh, best-selling author of Conversations with God, will talk about how to make spirituality accessible to your children.

Sharon Lechter coauthor of Rich Dad, Poor Dad, and creator of the Thrive Teen Game, will talk about raising financially literate children.

Amy McCready's book made a huge
difference in our family.

Dr. Joe Rubino is an internationally acclaimed expert, success coach and best-selling author, talking about raising kids with high self-esteem.

Shelly Lefkoe author and parenting educator talking about making parenting easier and more fun, WITHOUT sabotaging your children’s future.

Amy McCready, is a popular parenting educator who will share her proven tips to get your kids to behave without nagging, reminding or yelling. (I reviewed her excellent book If I Have to Tell You One More Time last year in this post).

Dr. Deborah Rozman is a psychologist who has co-authored over a dozen books, as well as co-founded the HeartMath Institute which provides products and services that enable people to transform stress, better regulate emotional responses and harness the power of heart/brain communication.

And so many more!

Check out the full line up here and register to get extra bonus offers!

Again, this three month weekly training is completely FREE! The experts will be sharing the best of the best strategies, tactics and processes they know to help you with your parenting issues and make the journey happier, and much more successful.

I hope you take advantage of this unique chance to get answers to virtually all of your parenting concerns.

Reserve your spot by clicking on this link now:

Learn more about The Great Parenting Show

After you register, keep an eye out for an email from Jacqueline Green (the host of The Great Parenting Show) with your details for listening in on the calls.

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

p.s. Don't forget, if you can't make the LIVE CALLS Every Tuesday & Thursday, don’t worry ... they've got you covered! The interviews will be recorded and will be available after each show for a limited time so you won't miss a thing. Make sure you sign up now to get these replay recordings.

Don't miss out on these FREE calls!

No One Told Me Parenting Was Going To Be Like Therapy

2012-03-04T17:02:00.001-08:00

Who knew trying to be a better mom would
require me to work so much on myself?

Sometimes I'm a great mom. Other times I feel like a lousy one, Having twins has been the most amazing blessing and at the same time it is the hardest, most exhausting thing I have ever done. But not in the way you might think.

Sure, there's the lack of sleep. Any parent will mention that. And yes, with twins, sleep disturbances take on new proportions. But that's a post for another time. Yes, with more than one child there's the never ending battle over sharing and everyone trying to get mom's attention. But that too, is another post.

What I have found to be the absolute most exhausting thing about having children is all of the self-examination that is required. I have done a lot of therapy over the years. I have studied various methods, I have had my own therapy sessions, I have counseled others, but I have never learned as much about myself as I have just trying to be a good mother.

Anyone who tells you that your childhood traumas don't resurface, or whose buttons don't get pushed, or who doesn't find themselves repeating old patterns is either fooling themselves or is, on some level, not paying attention to themselves or their children. In addition, nothing will push the boundaries of what you and your partner can weather as much as having multiples.

One of my favorite photos
of me and my dad (circa 1970)

One of the first things I noticed, when I became a mom, was my intense need to connect to our kids. I would interrupt conversations to attend to them, I would respond to every sound or word they uttered. Not to spoil them, but because it ripped my heart out to think that they could ever, for one second, feel ignored. Then, one day my father was visiting and I watched as the two kids played in front of him, happily trying to get his attention while he, unaware, typed away on his computer. All of a sudden all of my childhood memories of trying to get my father's attention came flooding back. All those memories of feeling not good enough or not important enough for him to pay attention to me were fresh and raw. I realized that unconsciously I was trying to protect our kids from ever feeling what I had felt. Every time they need me I struggle with finding the balance between connecting with them in order to make them feel heard and understood, and disengaging from them in order to give them a sense of autonomy and confidence in themselves.

Over the years, my father and I have worked through a lot of the old wounds. He is a wonderful father and yet, I still have "issues" with not being heard, not being understood or connected to. Sometimes I think those wounds must have left scar tissue that, when irritated, flares up and feels like a brand new pain. I dread the idea that one day my kids will be in therapy discussing something I unwittingly did that hurt them. Perhaps it's inevitable. But I do believe that feeling "felt" is a primal need. I think I do a pretty damned good job at connecting to my kids and it's a constant effort to stay in that head space.

Chaos is another trigger for me. Not such a great trigger to have when you have twins as chaos more or less goes with the territory! My husband is one of 7 children and is, on many levels, at ease with the storm that swirls around him, both at home and at work. I love him for this because he is often the rock I cling to.

One of the best books for helping you
understand how your own childhood
affects your parenting.

My early childhood had a certain level of instability as my family traveled for a number of years throughout Europe letting hitchhikers determine our destination. In addition, I was an only child with parents who worked and was used to being on my own, in solitude and quiet. My need now for order, routine and a certain level of peace is enormous. It gives me a sense of calm, safety and permanence. These deep-seated needs coupled with having twin infants was a difficult combination. My husband's desire for spontaneity often butts up against my need to stick to the plan. This difference in our personalities is one of the major reasons we were attracted to each other in the beginning and never was an issue until our children arrived; once the kids came these different styles became hard to reconcile. We realized that it was imperative to understand where these issues came from and how to release them if we were going to parent effectively and if we were going to keep our marriage strong. Other than finding a great therapist, I recommend reading Dr. Dan Siegel and Mary Hartzell's book, Parenting From the Inside Outif you sense that your past is affecting your present.

It is said that your body stores old trauma and, when something happens that triggers that memory, your brain cannot distinguish between then and now. It reacts as if the danger is current. Your survival techniques kick in, your childlike reactions flare up and you go into fight or flight mode. I am re-learning how to react to things and trying to mother myself as well as my children. Occasionally I miss the mark and behave like a child myself. But other times I am so in touch with myself and my children that I feel like I am moving as if in a dream; nothing disturbs me, nothing fazes me. My children can be throwing overlapping tantrums and I am able to be the parent they need in that moment. When I am in that mode of mindful parenting, I am no longer a child needing to control a chaotic situation, I am a mother holding space for my daughter who needs to know that her big feelings are OK to have. I am no longer a child feeling that she is not worthy of being listened to, I am a mother tuning in to my son and understanding that he is unable to focus on what I am saying because he is overtired. I am a mother doing the best she can, and my children continue to be my greatest teachers.

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

Positive Parents And A Giveaway!

2012-02-28T15:34:00.000-08:00

We all want a happier, more connected
relationship with our kids.

When I first became a mother I began reading a number of blogs and parenting pages that have guided and inspired me so much both as a parent and as a blogger myself. One of these blogs is Rebecca Eanes' Positive Parents. I always learn something from her perspective on parenting and share many of her posts on my Twin Coach Facebook page.

Rebecca writes wonderfully about how to create connected, positive relationships with our children. She never comes across as being "better than" her readers and is always wise and thoughtful in her approach to some of our most challenging parenting moments. The manner in which she delivers this information is so relatable that even someone who isn't familiar with a positive, empathetic approach can easily see how the methods she talks about can work for their family.

The attention we show our children is like water
for a plant. Make that attention as crystal clear as you can.

Some of the posts that I have loved most recently include:

Solutions For Siblings
"Peaceful parenting is about having peaceful homes and peaceful relationships. Conflicts will always arise, and that is perfectly normal, but by setting boundaries around respect and teaching problem-solving skills, we can teach our kids how to find solutions, repair relationships, and come back to peace."

The Right Way To Parent?
"There is certainly no shortage of articles telling us all what not to do as parents, yet few offer concrete advice on what we should do. As a parent, I know how frustrating it can be to have all of your tools yanked away because they're all "wrong" and then being left feeling like you're adrift on this big sea without a paddle. (No pun intended.) I was there once, too. I had this exact realization.

Okay, spanking is bad. Definitely bad. Now time outs are bad too. Wait, all punishments are bad. Oh, and consequences? Not a great idea. So what's left?

Can you relate?

If you're floating adrift out there, let me throw you a lifesaver. Well, its more like arm floaties and a map, but just stick with me. I'm going to give you some tools you can start using now to replace your time outs, threats, and taking away privileges, but I'm not going to give you concrete advice on what to do either."

The Superior Parent Award Goes To...
Rebecca's wonderful answer to the recent debate over the new book "Bringing Up Bebe" and whether French parents are better than American parents.

Positive Parents also has a terrific Facebook page, Positive Parenting: Toddlers And Beyond, where Rebecca not only shares her own posts but frequently posts other articles and pieces of wisdom that she feels will relate to her more than 17,000 (!) followers. She really is an amazing wealth of information and it's a wonderful community of people she's gathered. I'm a big fan of hers and I hope you will take a minute to check out her blog and Facebook page.

Now, for more good stuff.

Rebecca has just written her first ebook entitled The Newbie's Guide To Positive Parenting. From Rebecca's site:

"This 30-page PDF eBook will give you clarity and offer you tools and skills that will strengthen your relationship with your child while teaching values and instilling the self-discipline that will benefit your child for a lifetime. The Newbie's Guide to Positive Parenting provides several scenarios so you can see positive parenting in action!"

If you click the link to see the ebook you can also read some testimonials there.

The chapters include:

What is Positive Parenting?
How Positive Parenting is Different from Permissive Parenting
Changing Your Mindset
Teaching Tools
Consequences, Punishments, and Problem-Solving
Limit Enforcement versus Punishment
10 Alternatives to Punishment
10 Things That Are More Important Than Discipline

Rebecca has very nicely offered to give away a copy of her ebook, but even if you don't win it, it is priced at a very affordable $4.99, so please pass on this information to your friends, share it on your Facebook page, pin away on Pinterest and let as many people as you can know that here is some excellent accesible information for helping parents, caregivers and educators better connect with the children they love.

Giveaway rules:
Just leave a comment below and let me know if you'd like to win a copy. If you feel comfortable sharing what your biggest challenge is when it comes to staying positive in parenting, please share...I believe we all learn from each other.

I will pick a random winner (thank you random.org) on Saturday, March 3rd at noon PST and announce the winner on my Facebook page. Please be sure to include a way to contact you when leaving your comment!

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

Triggers, Tantrums And Time Outs (Or, When Mom Is Losing It)

2012-02-24T17:29:00.002-08:00

I'm beginning to realize that it is Mom who has the behavior problem and not my children. My children are just children. They have brains that are still developing, they are seeing and experiencing things for the first time, they have little to no practice handling frustration and disappointment. My children are guileless, curious and love unconditionally. Mom on the other hand? Mom has some issues.

Mom (and by mom, I am talking about me...not the collective "Mom", although feel free to commiserate) has a tendency towards rigid behavior, a short fuse and a need for order. Mom gets overwhelmed easily by too many things requiring her attention at once. Mom has layers of insecurities about doing things "right" and being a "good mother". Mom has lots of habits she has developed over the years that are really hard to break. But in an effort to be the type of mother I want to be and to not pass on these behavior patterns, I am working really hard to break the cycle.

Is this how I want my kids to see me?

I am constantly battling the knee-jerk reactions I have to some of my children's behaviors. We all have developed patterns of behavior over our lifetimes based on our own experiences. Some of the behaviors are habits, some are defense mechanisms, some we have because we were taught by others to respond in a particular way.

But when we know better, when we see that there is another way, I really believe it is our duty to find a way to do things better.

So it is not my children who need discipline. It is me. And I don't say this to make myself feel bad, rather it is a reminder that I need to pay attention not just to my children, but to myself. I need practice in being consistent and in modeling what I want them to learn. I need to be able to forgive my behaviors and remember that even though I have more experience, I, too, am still learning.

Triggers: We all have them. Do you know yours?

When triggered we can literally lose control of the
executive functions of our brains.

One of my most popular posts, Keeping Calm When You Want To Explode was, like most of the things I write, an exploration of my own parenting frustrations in an attempt to do things better next time. Over time I have become more aware of some of my triggers, but I have noticed that just being aware of them doesn't mean they disappear. Digging deeper has made me see that at the base of my trigger thoughts is the notion that people are not behaving properly and that I have every right to be angry with them. I'm making the effort to understand what triggers me so I can work on my reactions. I am working on letting go of justifying my anger. It's a slow process, but I know it's worth it. Here are some ideas of things that can help identify your triggers:

Look for instances that trigger your anger and see if you can identify the triggering thoughts. Examples of trigger thoughts could be "I should be able to handle this, but I can't", "My children don't appreciate anything I do", "I have to do everything and no one helps me" or "No one listens to what I am saying".
Do not ignore your triggers. Paying attention to them helps you get out of auto pilot. I often ignore my triggers in the hopes that we will just get out of the store, get out of the house, leave the party and the triggering behavior will end. Sometimes that works, but usually not.
Keep a journal of the times you get triggered. Pay attention to details like how your body felt, if were you nervous, tense or otherwise feeling pressured by something else, what the effect was on others, how you felt afterwards, how angry you became etc.
Look for reoccurring themes as you review the journal after recording this information for a week or so. Triggers often fall into one or a combination of several categories, including: other people doing or not doing what you expect them to do, situational events that get in your way, people taking advantage of you or being angry/disappointed with yourself.
Make a conscious effort. Once you have identified some of your triggers and have begun to understand the pattern, you can begin the work of learning to control your response to those triggers. Anger-triggering thoughts occur automatically and almost instantaneously, so it really requires some effort to be mindful of yourself and your interactions so you can choose a more appropriate response.

Tantrums: Children aren't the only ones who have them.

Of course my children throw tantrums from time to time. My daughter does it more often than my son. But I am starting to feel as though I throw more tantrums than either of them! And lately, I have noticed that it has developed into a habit. Almost as if I am the 5-year old in the family and when things don't go my way I lash out. How mortifying! And how confusing for my children.

Anatomy of a tantrum:

This morning my daughter woke up grumpy and refusing to go to school. She whined and yelled me for about 30 minutes which I patiently and empathetically handled but which set me on edge (trigger thoughts: "She's not respecting me! I can't solve her problem! I am running late because I have to deal with this!").
Then, I kept getting phone calls from my visiting parents asking questions and interrupting me further (trigger thoughts which I ignored: "I have a schedule and everyone is interrupting it! I am being pulled in too many directions, why doesn't my husband ever DO anything!")
Then, just as we are finally about to leave, my son realizes I have packed him strawberry yogurt instead of banana and has a meltdown about how he is so tired of strawberry and I never give him what he wants. (Trigger thoughts coming loud and clear but I still ignore them: "We are going to be late for school! I don't feel appreciated! I can't solve his problem, I am doing a terrible job!")
I finally get him to calm down and something happens between my children where our daughter makes a face, our son reacts because he's still upset and she hits him with her lunch box and he starts wailing again.
I lose it completely, speak harshly and throw their lunch boxes across the kitchen. Now we are all crying. Fantastic.

So, I was triggered over and over, didn't take care of myself in order to notice my stress level was getting out of control, and then the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back came along and I had a tantrum. While the anger I feel is legitimate in that it is the reality of how I am feeling at a particular time, it doesn't mean that choosing to act on those angry feelings is appropriate. So what do I do?

Time Outs. Not so good for kids, but they can be great for grownups.

Deep breathing exercises help regulate your brain,
reduce stress and bring clarity of mind.

The only person in our house who get time outs is me (and occasionally my husband). I don't believe in them for children as research and personal experience has shown me that it is not an effective way to teach children right from wrong, nor does it fit in with the type of connected relationship I am trying to build with my children. For adults, however, I think giving ourselves time to calm down when we feel like we're about to flip out is crucial. Young children aren't capable of reflecting on their behavior during a time out, but I certainly am. My time outs, even if they are brief, allow me to do any combination of the following:

Take a few deep breaths to regulate myself and calm down.
Put a positive picture of my child (or children) in my mind.
Reflect on at least 3 wonderful things about my child, even if she is currently having an extreme meltdown.
Show my children that mom is aware of her feelings and her need to calm down before she gets angry.
If time allows, sit with the emotions I am experiencing and give myself a chance to process them.
Take time (even a moment or two) to be kind to myself and be aware of my own needs.
Be mindful of what I really want to model for my children.
Come up with better solutions to whatever problem has been causing me stress.
Remember that none of what is happening is an emergency. I don't need to have all the answers.
Remember what my long term goal is: happy, confident children who feel loved unconditionally.

The key to time outs for grownups though, is to notice that you need them before it's too late. Once you are already in a power struggle with your children and are angry they likely won't let you step away to collect your thoughts. Then you add a new layer of stress as you try to lock yourself in the bathroom while simultaneously peeling screaming children off your leg. To be aware enough to catch my escalating stress level in time requires me to limit the multi tasking which sets me into auto pilot parenting mode and instead really pay attention to what is going on around me. I have to be willing to let go of my agenda to get things done at a certain time or in a certain way...only then can I be mindful of what is needed in the moment.

My agenda to get my kids to school on time sometimes has to take a back seat to my wanting to be a calm, respectful, caring parent. My agenda to get the kids to bed so I can have some time to myself has to take a back seat when my daughter needs extra reassurance as she's tucked in or my son has "just one more" question about a book he's trying to read. The best way for me to be able to release my grip on my agenda is to take that time out, breathe, remember what my long term goal is and work on remaining in the moment.

What about you? How do you keep your calm when parenting gets messy? I'm all ears for more suggestions!

Thanks for reading,
- Gina
The Twin Coach

You Mean Everyone Isn't Parenting This Way?

2012-02-16T22:10:00.000-08:00

Me and my family in our happy little bubble.

Sometimes I wonder if I parent in a bubble. My children attend a very progressive, Reggio-inspired preschool where the director and teachers show an amazing amount of respect for the children. My friends all parent their children with some version of empathetic, connected, RIE, reflective, positive parenting. Because I write this blog, I am in contact daily with amazing educators, bloggers and parents who talk about things like why television is bad for young children, or that it's possible to discipline children without shame, how there are no such thing as bad kids, and how taking care of ourselves is the key to not getting triggered by our kids.

And all of you wonderful people who read and comment on this blog or on my Facebook and Twitter pages are so inspiring. It is you who make me feel that there are so many of us who are changing the parenting paradigm, that we are raising a generation of children who will grow up with compassion, a sense of gratitude, and fully knowing they are loved for who they are, no matter what.

And then I get a kick in the gut when something makes me realize that there is a huge percentage of the population that don't agree with these ideas that seem so irrefutable to me.

I read a great article on Tuesday by Melissa of Confessions of a Dr. Mom about spanking:

"So, I realize that whether you spank or not is just one piece of the whole parenting puzzle. Not spanking does not make you a better or more effective parent. However, by taking it off the table when it comes to parenting strategies, I believe it helps us grow as parents and understand our children better, thus leaving room for building a stronger foundation of trust and respect with our children.

So, I urge parents to take it off the table once and for all. Start early by practicing positive reinforcement. Praise your child when she is engaging in sharing, using her words and getting to bed on time. Listen to your child when he is upset and crying. Validate his feelings even if you don't understand. Then proceed with your parenting rules."

Well sure, hit your kid with a shoe because he
ate some jam. You've got to show him who's boss!

Nothing there to argue with, right? Wrong. I was so saddened to see the comment section filled with not just disagreements, but hostility toward both Melissa and toward anyone who would suggest using spankings as a way to get children to be better behaved might not be the best idea. Of course, this article was written for a public newspaper blog. And the commenters are allowed to post anonymously, which more often than not leads to personal attacks and comments posted merely for shock value. But here are a few of the less crazy comments and, personally, these sadden me more than the overtly shocking ones:

"The overwhelming majority of kids who were spanked turned into fine upstanding adults as a result of it."

"There comes a point in time when the kids tune the parent(s) out because their words mean nothing to them any longer, it becomes a broken record. Thats when another option comes into the picture and trust me, they have a hard time tuning you out when their rear is sore from the belt."

"Gee, spanking didn't kill me when I was a kid. I think that if parents spanked their children as a response to them throwing the contents of a supermarket shelf on the floor enmasse the bad behavior would immediately stop. Instead I see the parent begging, arguing or attempting to reason with the child throughout the entire shopping trip to stop their abberrant behavior which they continue to engage in despite the parents pleas..."

"My daughter [...] is due next month and if needed we will spank her...Will depend on her maturity to understand why she is being spanked. I have observed that kids around two can comprehend why a spanking is being given. The need is based on the circumstances, but I see it as an escalation of misbehavior from where no other forms of discipline is working."

That last one really gets me. What child of TWO can understand why the person they love and trust to protect them suddenly hurts them? What can a child of two (or really any age) be doing that warrants being hit? It makes me want to cry for that unborn baby.

In reading the 8 pages (so far) of comments I began to feel so discouraged. How is it possible for so many to ignore the research that shows the multi-layered detrimental effects of spanking? How is it possible for so many to forget the trauma they must surely have felt as a child when they were treated this way themselves? How is it possible for so many to not understand that obedience shouldn't be the goal and that one must be respectful in order to be respected? Why is it that so many parents think that if a child doesn't do as we say the minute we say it that this is a mark of insolence?

It eventually hit me that many of the pro-spanking comments left were ones made by parents who felt one of two things:

A. When children continually act out, parents are letting kids walk all over them and should, instead, take a hard line by showing them who's boss.

B. The world is filled with over-indulged, obnoxious, entitled young people whose parents obviously were too wimpy to reign them in. Telling us to have respect for children and talking to children about the way they feel is just more of the same which will lead to more of the same. Kids need to respect their elders as they did when I was a kid!

Would you speak this way to a friend?
Then why would you do it to your children?

One of my favorite bloggers, Teacher Tom, wrote a fantastic post last year called "Spoiled Brats" that addresses the concerns of parents who think this way:

"It's hard, I think, for some people to understand the world without a hierarchical framework: someone has to be the boss -- if it's not the parent, it's the child. When I suggest paying attention to the words we use with children, avoiding the language of command, and instead choosing statements of fact which allow children to practice taking responsibility for their own actions, I understand how some people fear that it will become a slippery slope down which the whole carefully constructed family org chart will slide. I understand how it might seem that if you're not bossing your child, she will take advantage, gain the upper hand, and assume the scepter. To believe this takes a view of human nature that I've not found to be true, but I understand it.

[...]The common wisdom, it seems, is that these behaviors come from not enough "tough love;" from parents who are afraid of their children, and are too namby-pamby to put their foot down, an approach popularized by such pop-psychology sensations as Dr. Phil. Sadly, this is not what psychologists who actually do research have found. So-called "spoiled" behaviors," in fact, result from things like not enough proactive attention from parents, not expecting children to do things for themselves, and a lack of clear limits, not a dearth of bossy parents."

is it crazy to hope for a world where people
truly understand what children need?

So, this goes beyond spanking for me and really boils down to whether or not we have respect for our children. We cannot have respect for them if we also feel we have the right to hurt, shame or scare them into doing what we want them to do. It is my belief that it is connection, not combat that will get me what I want when it comes to my children. It seems to me that yelling, spanking, even time outs are simply a quick fix for a parent, caregiver or educator who is at the end of their rope. Yes, Children can sometimes behave in ways that push us to our limits. But that doesn't mean we take the easy way out when that happens. If we want children who are respectful, gracious and kind, if we are truly committed to raising happy children who turn out to be happy adults, then we have to be willing to do the hard work that parenting requires.

So I am throwing this out to all of you who who want to parent in a connected, loving way. Is there really a paradigm shift happening? Am I just fooling myself because I live in hippie dippy Los Angeles and move in the circles I do? Is there something more that those of us who believe in raising children this way should be doing to make this shift expand? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Leave me a comment below and let's talk about this!

Thanks for reading,
-Gina
The Twin Coach

Of Love, Gratitude And Cancer

2012-02-05T21:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes being a parent brings challenges you would never wish to tackle, but which end up teaching you more than any book ever could. We all hope we are raising our children to be resilient and brave in the face of adversity, yet none of us hope those qualities will ever be put to the test.

The 13-year old son of my friend and mentor, Sara Perets, was diagnosed with Stage 4 Hodgkin's Lymphoma last Summer. With her permission, I am sharing her words here. Anyone who has been through a battle with cancer, in whatever form, can relate. But even for those of us lucky enough not to have been touched so closely, Sara's message about love and gratitude is one I think we all can benefit from.

Dearest Community,

Hold them close, life can change in an instant.

Many of you have asked, and I wanted to take this opportunity to share this letter regarding Freddie's treatment.

Last week Freddie finished his radiation therapy. It was the last day of his 7 months of treatment. We are now in the phase of remission. It’s a funny place to be. Freddie is still a “cancer patient” but treatment has ended. We now wait and have tests in 3 months. In a strange sort of way I feel like I need a “you are cancer free” letter to put closure on this. I feel like there is so much to be processed now that this has started to come to an end and we find ourselves on a different journey, as after this experience we have forever changed as individuals, parents, and human beings and will never look at life the same way again.

What this all has taught me is about love. Love and gratitude.

7 months ago when I was sitting in the hospital after having been delivered the news that my child had stage 4 cancer. Unable to move or think or breathe, I could not imagine what this road was going to teach me or how I would be tested as a mother. I couldn’t imagine how I was going to live through it….all I knew was I had to be there for my son and carry him through this so that he could continue living the life he was meant to live. Freddie has seen me cry once during this. It was when he finished his last round of chemo. There was this pause with both of us and we looked at each other and both started to cry. It was a moment that had arrived and neither of us could believe it was finally there and that we were both standing. Especially Freddie, who proved to have an incredible spirit, light, and positivity that was inspiring beyond all comprehension and it’s these qualities that carried me through. Children are your greatest teachers and in this case Freddie was the master teacher.

During this time, I found a love for Freddie that surpassed all. While we spent hours in the hospital and I held him like a baby while he cried with pain, I watched him vomit for hours after chemo, I saw his appearance change beyond recognition, and I sometimes held him while he slept. I had a closeness with him as if he were a little guy again. During all of that I had to move past the thoughts of “whys”….why him, why me, why is this happening? It was love that helped me, it was love that carried me, it was love that stopped me from breaking down when Freddie needed me the most, and it was love that helped me smile when I was crumbling inside.

I always thought I was a grateful person. Grateful for my children, my family, and my life but what I found gratitude for is not only the love and appreciation I have for my children, but for humanity. I so hinged on the fence of anger and despair many times but a community came together for our family and literally kept me standing at times. There were moments I felt like my legs could go no further and what carried me were the people who showed immense love, support, and heart to our family. We experienced this support in many many forms and felt the love and vibes that were sent across land and ocean to lift us up in our hearts and spirits. I am eternally grateful for all of the countless people involved in helping us over the last few months…even if it were down to phone calls, texts, or emails, they would always come when most needed and I never felt alone.

I am so grateful I was able to see Freddie experience this sense of community as well. It truly moved him and he commented many times about it. One aspect that moved me the most was watching the friendship between Freddie and his best friend Max. What a brave and remarkable boy to volunteer to sit with Freddie every night that he had chemo in the hospital. Freddie unfortunately saw many of his friends not able to cope with his illness, which is fine and expected, but from that he was able to experience true friendship. I know that it wasn’t easy for Max to see his best friend going through it and I know how scared he was to sit there and quietly be with Freddie while he underwent his grueling treatment but the depth of their friendship grew and both of them have had the chance to experience the love of friendship that I believe will last a lifetime. I was moved by witnessing this and so grateful for that boy Max whose bravery outshone many in the name of love and friendship.

Nothing like escaping the pain of chemo through
a little time spent with the Kardashians

As Freddie and I sat for hours in the hospital we bonded over watching (and becoming slightly obsessed over) Battlestar Galactica, the Kardashian wedding, what Code Blue, red, pink, silver, green, and orange were, and discussing movie plots in depth. We talked about countries Freddie wanted to travel to and places he wanted to see. We giggled over hospital food and medical students. All of these things are what got us through when times were challenging and they are memories we think fondly of. It is so interesting as this comes to an end how hard it is for me to leave the hospital and know we won’t be back as frequently. The nurses were my life line, our angels, and became our friends. All of them were amazing and not once did I ever see one of them not liking their job or not having a smile for Freddie. I was truly inspired by their dedication and honor at what they do. They are the angels on this earth.

As we move away from this all, I still think of all the families we met that are still in it. The one thing I learned about cancer is that is does not discriminate age, gender, or race. We are forever changed by watching the countless people getting treated with this horrible disease. Babies, toddlers, children, mothers, fathers…all going through and strangely tied to one another through cancer. There are smiles or maybe glances as you begin to tell what treatment they have or what stage they are in. As a mom with a child with cancer you get unimaginable looks as others can’t image what it must be like to watch your child suffer. There was a point in the treatment when we knew everything would be OK and we were just getting through the process but there were others that we knew were not so “lucky” as we watched them fight for their lives and I watched the faces of those moms as they watched their children fight for their lives. My fight, my struggles were insignificant to theirs and that was the greatest lesson of gratitude I learned.

There are many things I never talked about with anyone as they were too difficult to even mutter and too painful to recount. The war you fight with cancer is a long and brutal one and I don’t feel like I should even begin to tell anyone I know what it is like because I don’t really know. I didn’t have to feel what Freddie did. I wanted to tell him it was OK and comfort him but at the end of the day those words were empty because I didn’t have any have a clue what it was like. Many others that did know came to the rescue and connected to Fred. Many who inspired him and gave him hope for when it would all be over and connected with him because they had been there. I love you all that did that for him and I will be eternally grateful.

Even those of you I have never met in person but showed Freddie such love to help get him through this. This email is not for naming all the countless people, and extraordinary people, because if you received this you know you had a huge part in healing the spirit of a sick boy. When you see remnants of the child before he became ill turn into a smile or joy through a gift, letter or phone call, all of that care, love and support meant the world to us. We made incredible friendships through this process and I am eternally grateful. As I said, I once again believe in the human heart and how people come together for goodness. You all know who you are, thank you.

The first week of this process I was given a Lance Armstrong LIVESTRONG arm band to wear by a friend, the same one she wore everyday as her husband went through his cancer process. Live Strong. I often pondered about the meaning. Did it mean I needed to live strong throughout this or that it would inspire strength while having chemo? It came to me yesterday. It means to live strong every day after you kick cancer’s ass. What we have seen, experienced, and gone through with all the love, gratitude, and lessons we have learned will make us live strong for the future.

As we were leaving the hospital today we stopped to say an emotional good bye to one of the nurses.” Freddie and I were both filled with this bitter sweet feeling of relief and sadness. She said to us: “Sometimes the end is harder than the beginning." I feel the overpowering emotion starting to come out of Freddie, he has been through a lot. It is now time for us all to heal.

With Love and Gratitude,

Sara

A Reminder For Those Who Need It

2012-01-31T21:12:00.000-08:00

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.

If you want to be happy, practice compassion".

~ Dalai Lama

Dear mama (or papa) who feels so much,

It is wonderful that you connect so deeply to your children. It is beautiful how in tune you can be and how you always strive to make sure your children feel "felt". It is amazing how you allow them to express their needs and feelings so fully and that you really, really listen. I admire you for always wanting to do better.

And I hurt for you when you cry so bitterly and feel you have failed them. I wish I could take away the guilt and sadness you feel. You examine every word you said and worry that although you love your children completely, perhaps they don't experience it that way. You fear the future. You fear the culmination of all your wrong moves will result in your children bemoaning their childhood in the therapist's chair. You fear your children will never learn to love each other, to be kind, to be compassionate. I wish you could truly see how much you have done that is wonderful. But what you have done "wrong" clouds your vision. What you remember is your anger, your impatience, your resentment. But what you forget are all the beautiful moments that add up to happiness.

They will remember the patient hands that buttoned up their sweaters and the smell of the oatmeal you made for breakfast. They will remember how you dried their tears when they fell at the park and held them close when they were scared of witches in their bedroom. They will remember the necklaces that you never took off, one with each of their initials. They will remember the feel of curling up with you under soft, white blankets, telling stories by flashlight. They will remember how you painted their toenails and dressed up for Halloween with them. They will remember how they could make you laugh so hard you cried.

Maybe they will remember how you yelled sometimes. Maybe they will remember you were impatient. But more importantly, they will remember you acknowledged that it felt scary for them when that happened and that you apologized afterwards. They may remember your tears of frustration, but more importantly they will remember how you whispered in their ear each night the things that day that made you love them.

Dear mama (or papa) who feels so much, it can be a blessing and a curse to feel as much as you do. Be as kind and compassionate to yourself as you are to your children. Of all the things you are trying to teach them, of utmost importance is modeling to them how to forgive yourself when you make a mistake.

Your children love you.
You are always doing the best you can in every moment.
Take that in.
Believe it.

~ Love, Gina

Will Our Children Succeed In Spite Of Our Education System?

2012-01-15T22:20:00.000-08:00

Alfie Kohn. He doesn't look like he'd
be so subversive, does he?

"Few parents have the courage and independence to care more for their children's happiness than for their success." ~ Erich Fromm

“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

~ George Carlin

In the 5 or so years that I have been a parent there have been a few people I have come in contact with whose philosophy about children spoke to me so completely that I instantly felt a bond. I have been so fortunate in my time as a blogger to have found an amazing group of like-minded people whose writings and teachings continuously open my eyes to better ways of being with children. Last week I went to a lecture given by Alfie Kohn titled "Pushed Too Hard: Parenting in an Achievement Crazy Culture" which not only opened my eyes, it blew my mind.

I'd heard of Alfie Kohn for a number of years which is not surprising given that he is the author of a dozen books and over 100 articles on human behavior, education and parenting. When the opportunity came up to hear his lecture, I jumped at it because I knew it was going to be something interesting. What I didn't realize was how dynamic a speaker he was, how he would push me to re-think beliefs I had held as fact and how persuasive the arguments for his line of thinking would be. There is no way I can do his lecture justice here, but I do want to try and sum up a few of the brilliant points he made that evening.

The lecture began with the audience being asked what their long-term goals are for their children. The answers included self-reliant, creative, curious, compassionate, fulfilled, vital members of their community, happy in their own skin and so forth. You get the drift. Mr. Kohn made the observation that one thing all of these ideals had in common was that none of these descriptions had anything to do with what kind of learners our kids would be, but rather what kind of people they will become.

Our practices are at odds with what we want for our children.

How often do you catch yourself saying it?

Most parents and educators use some combination of rewards and praise in an effort to build self-esteem and encourage children to succeed. Mr. Kohn has written extensively on the subject of rewards and praise in numerous articles and books like Punished By Rewards and Unconditional Parenting. We want our children to be generous and kind, so we reward them when they behave that way. But studies show that these rewards actually have the reverse effect of what we want! From Alfie Kohn's article 5 Reasons To Stop Saying "Good Job":

"Very much like tangible rewards – or, for that matter, punishments – it’s a way of doing something to children to get them to comply with our wishes. It may be effective at producing this result (at least for a while), but it’s very different from working with kids – for example, by engaging them in conversation about what makes a classroom (or family) function smoothly, or how other people are affected by what we have done -- or failed to do. The latter approach is not only more respectful but more likely to help kids become thoughtful people."

Rewards and praise (and even punishments) teach children to behave in the desired way only when there is the possibility of being rewarded. It doesn't teach them to connect to their inner sense of kindness and generosity and to simply be that way because they are intrinsically motivated to do so.

We want our students to work hard and do their best, so we test them and praise good performance. But research shows that, again, this only serves to motivate students to want to get good grades, not become the lifelong learners we all hope for! As I wrote last year about the ideas of intrinsic motivation and praise in a post about the groundbreaking book, NurtureShock:

"In other words, giving your children money for doing chores, extra computer time for doing well on a test or saying 'good job' whenever they put away their toys simply keeps them needing those "rewards" to be motivated. They have not learned to do things simply for the joy of just doing them".

The more you reward people for doing something, the more they lose interest in doing it.

As parents (or educators, I would imagine), we may feel that we need to reinforce good behavior as if that good behavior is simply a fluke. But praise is ultimately a judgment. And since we know that no one likes to be judged, we can, instead of praising, use a phrase like "I noticed":

I noticed that you helped your friend when she fell down.
I noticed that you gave half your lunch to your friend who forgot his.
I noticed that you put a lot of effort into your science project.

But what about rewarding children for doing well in school?

The main way children are rewarded in school is by receiving grades for their work. Alfie Kohn makes the argument that grades in school actually do the opposite of what we would hope they do. The research shows that not only don't grades motivate people, they actually do something much worse:

Students actually find the task less interesting once grades are introduced. Thus, they are less likely to return to the subject on their own time (loss of intrinsic motivation) and many simply lose interest in the subject entirely.
Assigning grades leads students to avoid risk. What does this mean? That our children will choose the easiest classes, the simplest book for a book report, study a foreign language they already know in order to get a better grade. Kids aren't stupid, if adults tell them that grades are what is important, then they will find the best way to ensure they get the best grade.
Grades tend to reduce the quality of students’ thinking. As Alfie Kohn writes, "They may skim books for what they’ll "need to know." They’re less likely to wonder, say, "How can we be sure that’s true?" than to ask "Is this going to be on the test?"

Mr. Kohn pushed the point further last week and made the statement that the only thing worse than a reward is an award. That is, what contests do is to make our children view others as potential obstacles to success. How does this fit in with our desire to teach our children to be kind and compassionate? Can one be simultaneously competitive and altruistic?

I can guess what these parents would think
of Alfie Kohn and his ideas.

For parents who grew up in families that were either very competitive or where achievement was paramount, the ideas that Mr. Kohn puts forth might seem really "out there". Lest you dismiss him entirely, I urge you to actually read his articles like The Case Against Grades or Well, Duh! 10 Obvious Truths We Shouldn't Be Ignoring. And, perhaps, consider his statement that he sees only 3 reasons why grades should be given:

To satisfy parents
It allows teachers to compel kids to do what the teachers want them to do.
People are going to give your children grades later, so they might as well get used to it now.

None of those feel like very good reasons to me. And don't even get him started on tests and homework. Suffice it to say that he quoted research that basically says that tests measure what matters least: how many forgettable facts you've crammed into short term memory. And homework? Research shows that it has no benefit for children until High School. Before then, Mr. Kohn just sees it as requiring our children to do a "second shift" after 7 hours of school.

Still, it takes courage to do right by kids in an era when the quantitative matters more than the qualitative, when meeting (someone else’s) standards counts for more than exploring ideas, and when anything “rigorous” is automatically assumed to be valuable. We have to be willing to challenge the conventional wisdom, which in this case means asking not how to improve grades but how to jettison them once and for all. ~ Alfie Kohn

Would they love school as much if
everything they did was graded?

Some of you may be thinking, "Well, I was graded from Kindergarten through Law School, had loads of homework every night, played competitive sports and I turned out just fine". But, as my friend, Wendy said on my Facebook page yesterday, did you turn out fine BECAUSE of all of that? Or in spite of it?

Just something to think about.

I know this may be controversial to some. It also may be frustrating, especially if your local school is more traditional in nature and you don't have a choice as to where to send your child. But if any of this strikes you as making some sense then I urge you to investigate further and find a way to make some changes for the sake of your children. And, as always, I'd love to know your thoughts about all of this. Leave your comments below!

Thanks for reading!

-Gina

The Twin Coach

Feeling The Pressure To Be A Good Parent?

2012-01-08T21:51:00.000-08:00

Even though we know the perfect family is a myth,
why do we try so hard to have one?

There are so many times, as a parent, when you just feel as though you are doing everything wrong. On those days when your find yourself slamming doors in frustration or muttering under your breath while your children are yelling at each other and you feel as though you've botched yet another attempt at remaining cool, calm and connected, it's pretty easy to feel like a lousy parent.

And there are so many ways in which we compound this feeling by comparing ourselves to other parents and feeling as though someone else is doing all the things we're not doing. The more we know about parenting and how our children develop, the more we can become painfully aware of our own shortcomings.

This morning in the LA Times there was an article about how much movies that depict parenting have changed because, in fact, parenting itself has changed over the years.

"In the past, people parented based on instincts and how they were raised, but now with technology and the ease of transmittable information, we know so much more about parenting, We do so much more thinking about parenting, You can't turn on a morning show without an expert talking about college anxiety, how to keep our kids busier...Everyone wants to know how everyone else is doing it."

Have the massive amount of parenting books I've read
in the last 5 years helped or made me more stressed?

Granted, I tend to be anxious and neurotic at times, but is having so much information at our fingertips always a good thing? In my experience this increased knowledge has been a double-edged sword. On the one hand I feel empowered because the information I have helps me understand why my children behave the way they do, be more conscious of what they need and feel more closely connected to them as people. On the other hand, having so much knowledge about all of the things that can help children blossom (especially during their first 5 years) can, at times, make me feel as though I will never be as good a parent as I want to be.

Logically, of course I know there is no possible way we can all do everything "right". It could make you insane to try. As one mother in the the LA Times article comments:

"The focus on having the right things and what are they eating...lactation consultants, crib consultants, I swear to God there are curtain consultants. Parenting has become this whole other culture".

And yet, I do get down on myself for not doing more. Logically I know that I am a good mother and that I do a lot of things really well, but are there areas in which I wish I did things better? Of course. Are there areas in which I look at others and compare myself? Of course. Its that pointless and self-defeating? Of course. But perhaps it's also human nature to compare and contrast. Would I prefer not to know so much? I'm not sure. I would imagine that our parents and grandparents had a much different experience being parents than we are having. They were probably less self-critical of their parenting and less stressed out. But was ignorance actually bliss? I suppose for some, but I don't think I'd trade in knowing so much.

The other angle of all of this increased interest in parenting that intrigues me are the parents who see their children as extensions of themselves. As the Times article points out, "It's almost like keeping up with the Joneses. Instead of who's got the nicer car, it's who's doing better for their kid." Living in Los Angeles this is an all too common occurrence. A friend of mine told me recently about being snubbed at the park for bringing Doritos for her son to have as a snack by a mom who had brought organic, grilled salmon and quinoa for her own child.

At the end of the day, what I want most
is for my children to be happy.

Have "good" children become the new status symbol? If your child is seemingly the most well-adjusted, does that mean you have done the best job parenting? Does it mean that your parenting philosophy is the best one? Do we, as parents, get to pat ourselves on the back for a job well done when our child shares or empathizes or eats salmon and quinoa? Well, perhaps. But not if we are simultaneously looking down at someone else for having a different parenting style, or for having a child who is struggling in some area ours has mastered. What, then, are we modeling for our children?

My sense is that no matter your philosophy, we're all doing our best to raise happy, healthy children. The fact that there is so much information out there on how to do it is both wonderful and overwhelming. I think the best we can all do for the children involved is to choose what information resonates in our hearts, be gentle with ourselves when we mess up and just be as loving, kind and respectful as you can be...in my experience, when I do those things, I find that I am a pretty awesome parent.

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

Discovering The Joy Of Reading (Plus A Giveaway)!

2012-01-04T16:59:00.000-08:00

“The habit of reading is the only enjoyment in which there is no alloy; it lasts when all other pleasures fade.”

~ Anthony Trollope

“The more you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go.”

~ Dr. Seuss

My fondest childhood memories revolve around the love of reading, writing and story-telling my parents shared with me. This passion for words and expression meant there were books everywhere in our house, librettos were read before going to an opera, deeply personal diaries were kept and long, detailed stories were told before bed. Now that I am a mother myself, I am doing my best to create this love of reading and story telling with my own kids.

We've read to our children from day one, kept books everywhere from our cars to our bathrooms, and let our children see us reading books for enjoyment. In our home our children know that books are important. We inscribe them with the kids' names, who the book was from and what occasion the book was given for. This year I started using these personalized, vintage bookplates from Oiseaux in the children's favorite books. When we read aloud we try to make it exciting, using different voices, hushed whispers and lots of expression. As children's book author, Mem Fox, says,

"When I say to a parent, 'read to a child', I don't want it to sound like medicine. I want it to sound like chocolate.”

Short words, simple stories and repetition helps kids
build confidence in their reading.

We never have tried to teach our children to read. Rather, we have tried to impart a love for books and what they offer. Because we laid this foundation, when I brought home a box of Bob Books about 4 months ago and asked my 4 1/2-year old son if he wanted to try and read the books on his own, he dove right in.

To my amazement, this boy who deeply loves books, but who had never even tried to read on his own, was reading these books within minutes. The look on his face when he realized this was priceless!

For Christmas he got lots of cool gifts, but the one he's enjoyed most so far are his set of the next level of Bob Books. He's figuring out words he's never seen before, understanding simple stories and totally encouraged to try more. He's even ventured into reading some of his regular books and is making his way through some of the simpler Dr. Seuss stories.

I would never recommend pushing a child to read before they're ready. Like anything else with early childhood, pushing too soon can often backfire. I merely offered the books and was available whenever he wanted to try. But because of the way they're designed, he felt successful right off the bat. I think it's our son's passion for really wanting to read, coupled with his excitement to be doing something before his sister, that has spurred him on. And it is absolutely this amazing series of books that has given him the confidence to say "I can read"! That's him, below, reading one of the new books, "O.K., Kids". (if you can't see the video, please use this link to it on YouTube).

I hadn't heard of Bob Books until stumbling upon them via a connection on Twitter, but since having such success with them I have told everyone I know how well they work and how much both my children love them. As with just about everything else in my life, that means I also share it on my blog with you! But even better than just telling you about how well they work, this post is a chance for you to win a set of Bob Books Set 1. These books make a great gift or, if your child is too young to start, win them and keep them until the time is right!

Winning is simple. All you need to do is leave a comment below and tell me what the first book is that you remember reading. I will pick a winner at random (thank you, Random.org) on Monday, January 9th at noon, PST. Please be sure to leave your email address so I can notify you if you win!

If you want to check out more about Bob Books, you can review their website, check out their Facebook page or Twitter feed.

Thanks for reading (literally)!
-Gina
The Twin Coach
Bob Books has provided one set of their books for this giveaway, but I was not compensated in any other way for this review. I only review products and books I truly use and love. I hope you enjoy them as much as we did!

Who Is Teaching Whom?

2011-12-29T20:22:00.000-08:00

‎"Motherhood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It's about understanding that he is exactly the person he is supposed to be. And that, if you're lucky, he just might be the teacher who turns you into the person you are supposed to be." ~ Joan Ryan

I think it's when my children are sleeping
that I most often think about whether I am
teaching them all they need to know.

I think we would be lying if we didn't all say we had, at least for one moment, daydreams or hopes about who our children would be one day. Even those of us who agree that children already are someone the moment they are born, may still have trouble letting go of our wishes for who they might become. Who wouldn't hope for their child to have every opportunity in life? But what if our children have traits we feel may make life difficult?

I know I've never wished I had different children, but I certainly have had times where their personalities exasperated me. My son's dreaminess and ability to get lost in 5 different activities on his way to put his dirty dish in the sink makes me nuts sometimes. My daughter's penchant for trying to re-negotiate every rule, and the fact that she laughs maniacally when overtired, push every one of my buttons. Yet, if I stop for a minute I can see that there is so much for me to learn from my reaction to my children's behaviors.

As parents I think we spend much of our time thinking about what we are teaching our children. We teach them to sleep through the night, to eat solid food without choking, to get dressed on their own, to say "please' and "thank you", to share, to read, to be kind, to be a good friend. We hope we are teaching them our values and morals, we picture ourselves teaching them to ride a bike or drive a car, we dream of teaching them to love art, we wonder if we can teach them to cook.

But I think few of us stop to consider how much our children teach us each day. In our effort to teach our children all that we know so that they might grow up to become everything they have the potential to be, perhaps we are forgetting that if we could just step out of the way, we would see how much we can learn from them. If we look at their "difficult behaviors" as their way of showing us who they are instead of their way of disobeying us, we begin to see our children in a whole new light.

Dreamy and sensitive. I wouldn't want
it any other way.

My son getting easily distracted doesn't have to be so frustrating. I would actually love to be as dreamy as he is. I would love to not always be so focused on potential problems up ahead and to be so easily entertained by the simple things that delight him.

My daughter's strong opinions will actually serve her well down the line. I would love to be as sure of my own artistic abilities and point of view as she is. I would love to have the same sense of joy she has over finding something as inconsequential as a stray, sparkly sequin. It's garbage to me, but only she knows how this little, shiny object will enhance the collection of treasures she has at home.

Bedtime struggles can be a time for tears. But if I think about it, I would love to run, as they do, naked through the house completely unashamed and dancing with abandon to my favorite songs. I would love to feel so much pride in my body.

I would love to see the whole world as the magical place they do, each discovery a miracle in itself. I wonder if I would be happier if I believed that toys came to life when I wasn't there, that wishes made on dandelions did come true, or that fairies drank the dew drops in our garden.

And what we can learn from our children isn't just about being as free and openminded as they are. I know that every day I am learning from them about how to forgive, how to love wholeheartedly, how to ask for help when I am struggling with something, how to be brave, how to try new things and not give up when they are difficult, and how to find joy in ordinary moments. In studying my reactions to the things they do that trigger my anger I begin to shed light on my own insecurities and weaknesses as well as my strengths (because, I will admit, sometimes I do a great job of understanding and connecting).

Of course my children aren't perfect, but they are exactly the children I am supposed to have in order to learn the lessons I need to learn. These two, wise little souls are here to guide me, just as much as I am here to guide them (perhaps more so)! So for all my dreams about who my children will one day become, I am very, very grateful for the kind, generous people they are right now.

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

Weekend Reading And Happy Holidays!

2011-12-23T20:41:00.000-08:00

Feeling the love for
my readers.

Christmas weekend is already upon us. It's so hard to believe yet another year is coming to an end. I hope you have some down time during this busy weekend to relax and read a little. With all the holiday celebrating and shopping this week you may have missed some of the wonderful and interesting articles that I shared this week, so here's your weekly wrap-up! But before I begin, I want to take a minute to just say a heartfelt thank you for every single one of you. Whether you comment regularly, forward and share my posts to friends or just simply read them whenever you have time, I love you for it. I try to be helpful, honest and open with each post and when you tell me something has helped or resonated with you even in some small way, it makes it all worth it. Thank you.

And with all that said, here are this week's posts, articles, quotes and thoughts that inspired and interested me this week. I hope you enjoy them:

My Favorite Parenting Posts This Week

If There Is A Silver Bullet, Your Toddler Probably Hid It.

"There are hard days and there are amazing days. There are days when your toddler is fun, and loving, and cute. But there are also days when your toddler is frustrating, and stubborn and difficult. There are days when you are an amazing parent. But there are also days where you feel like the worst parent in the world (I know because you’ve told me and because people Google “I’m a bad mother” every day and end up on my blog)".
~ From PhD In Parenting.

Why Your Kids Make You A Better Person

"I want to be like all of them. They inspire me and push me to be a better person every day. Sometimes when we have children we think of it as the end of our dreams, the giving up being "The Great... whatever"- but I would challenge us to think of it differently. Challenge us to think of it as the beginning of making our dreams come true, because we now not only answer to ourselves, but also to these incredible spirits we bring into our world."

~ From Girl On Saturday

Babies And Crying: What's A Parent To Do?

"It seems this is a conversation that needs to continue to happen. There is so much emotion, judgment, misinformation, and misunderstanding around this issue, and that’s not good for parents or babies. Also, the question of how to respond to a baby’s cries goes right to the core of how we view babies, and how sensitively and respectfully we care for them".

~ From Lisa Sunbury's blog, Regarding Baby

Remembering Dad

"It was time to talk about the unknown. It was time to break their little hearts and open their world to worries that no kids should ever know. It was time to talk about loss.

“You haven’t met my daddy because my daddy isn’t here anymore. My daddy is up in Heaven.”

Their eyes, his perfectly round and blue and hers perfectly round and brown, burned a hole through my heart as they waited for more. A simple explanation would not suffice this time around".
~ Katie Hurley's beautiful post about discussing her deceased father with her children (Katie writes a wonderful blog called Practical Parenting. This was a guest post on Moonfrye Family).

It's Up To Parents To Resist The Tyranny Of The Pink Princesses.

"This isn't good for either sex. Girls are being taught to aspire to be a princess – whose main job is to wait for her prince to come, and to doll herself up in the meantime. It is a passive role in which the dominant desire is to be desired. They aren't encouraged to be an active or brave agent, like a fireman or soldier or doctor or train driver. Boys lose out too, though. If they fear they can't go near a craft set or a doll, then they won't have a chance to indulge the creative or loving side of their nature. Why should love be reserved only for females? Or cooking, for that matter?"

~ From The Independent (Via 7Wonderlicious)

News Of The Week

Lego's wonderful ad from 1981.
Forget the pink aisles and new girl figures with
breasts, bring back beautiful!

Reel Girl's Letter To Lego

"Dear Lego,

Legos were special. They were unique and creative and helped kids to build. Legos inspired kids’ imaginations. Boys and girls could play Legos together. But with your new product, Lego Friends, created for girls, I can no longer tell the difference between Lego toys and the ubiquitous Disney princess products or Barbies. Is that the point? Because if it is, your copy cat strategy abandons the very qualities that made your toy great".
~ From Margot Magowan's blog, Reel Girl.

The Petition On Change.org

"Marketers, ad execs, Hollywood and just about everyone else in the media are busy these days insisting that girls, the “other 50%,” as LEGO puts it, are not interested in their products unless they’re pink, cute, or romantic. They’ve come to this conclusion even though they’ve refused to market their products to the girls they are so certain will not like them. Who populates commercials for LEGOs? Boys! Where in the toy store can you find original LEGOs? The boy aisle! So it’s no wonder LEGO’s market research showed girls want pink. It’s the environment and the message marketers have bombarded girls with for over a decade because, of course, stereotypes make marketing products so much easier." ~ Sign the petition if you want to tell LEGO that girls love LEGOs just the way they are!

Color Lines

"Imagine a toy store where the aisles are separated by color. The toys in the different-colored aisles contrast sharply from each other, and send strong messages to the children viewing them about what is and is not accepted and expected from children of the other color. They also send strong messages about which colored child should be in which aisle, and where their interests lay. For the most part, the children accept the color lines and stick to their aisle. Grown ups seem to have no problem with it.

The Black Aisle for African American kids. The White Aisle for Caucasian kids.
Oh, is that offensive?"

~ I love this short post from Pigtail Pals

My Favorite Visual Of The Week

This protest collage is what you should show every person who says

that breastfeeding in public is obscene.

My Favorite Quotes Of The Week

“When a child hits a child, we call it aggression.
When a child hits an adult, we call it hostility.
When an adult hits an adult, we call it assault.
When an adult hits a child, we call it discipline.”
~Haim G. Ginott

‎"Behavior" is NOT the problem.
Your child's inability to MEET HIS NEEDS in acceptable ways is the root issue. Listen, acknowledge, validate, empathize and strategize about NEEDS & FEELINGS and negative behavior will be transformed.
Connect the mind to body.
Get Emotional.
Stop trying to have your way.
Be the bigger person.
BREATHE
LAUGH
PLAY
♥"
~ via TEACH Through Love

"Children's strong feelings do not disappear when they are told, 'it is not nice to feel that way' or when parents try to convince them that they 'have no reason to feel that way'. Strong feelings do not vanish by being banished; but they do diminish in intensity and lose their sharp edges when the listener accepts them with sympathy and understanding."~ Haim Ginott

(Via The Way of The Peaceful Parent).

‎"When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you" ~ unknown

And with that, dear readers, I wish you a truly wonderful holiday. As always, I love your comments and insights and please join me on Facebook and Twitter which is where I post all of these things I find interesting but can't find time to blog about!

Thanks for reading!

-Gina

The Twin Coach

Are You Modeling "Do As I Say, Not As I Do" Parenting?

2011-12-20T18:00:00.000-08:00

While I'm not flipping the bird at other drivers,
I definitely model some behaviors I'm not proud of.
(image via babycenter.com)

I have been turning over this blog post in my mind for some time now. I keep starting to write it and then get stuck. Maybe that's because what I am writing about isn't an example of my most stellar, shining parenting moments. In fact, I have been wondering lately if I spend a good deal of my day being a hypocrite.

Now, I don't intend to be hypocritical and I don't generally feel that I am behaving that way, but then I stopped to think about it and it struck me that there is an awful lot of "do as I say and not as I do" going on in my house.

I know very well that it is what we model for our children and not necessarily what we say that really teaches them. I know that it is the way I say something more than the words I use that makes the impact. But sometimes I feel as though more often than not I am not the paradigm of calm parenting that I wish I was.

"Speak kindly", I tell my children. I hear this come out of my mouth all the time. When my kids are getting angry at each other I remind them that yelling at someone isn't going to get them what they want (while sheepishly remembering how I lost my temper earlier and yelled). "Speak kindly to each other", I tell them and then wonder if I said that in an exasperated and snappish way. "Be kind to your sister" I remind my son, then flash back to me losing my temper with her.

What am I actually teaching them? That words don't matter much? That you can be kind except when you are really frustrated? Most of all I worry about what I am teaching my son when he sees how frustrated I get with his sister. I want more than anything for them to be kind to each other, yet he sees how she pushes my buttons and he sees how he can polarize himself by being "the good twin". I hear her say that she doesn't think he likes her and that breaks my heart. I fear he does it to be closer to me, to be on my "side". Does he think I don't like her? I worry that I am teaching them both that you aren't lovable when you make other people angry.

I tend to try and handle things on my own
until the point of no return.

"Be patient", I tell my children. Teaching my children about patience and delayed gratification is something I work on all the time. But I often lose my patience with them (even while telling them they need to be more patient about something)! I teach them about cooling down, taking deep breaths, being mindful...and sometimes I am really good at modeling all of that. But then there are times when my need to be somewhere on time trumps my desire to be present and in the moment. In those moments I have no patience for my daughter dragging out the bedtime routine for an extra hour or my son dreamily taking 45 minutes to put on his socks in the morning. And even in the moment of my losing my patience I am hazily aware that what I am doing is pointless and actually making things drag on longer than if I simply slowed down & connected for 5 minutes with each of them. And yet, I don't stop. I threaten, I bang things, I pretty much act way more immature than my 4 1/2 year olds.

What am I teaching them? That you should be patient, but only when it's convenient? I can be patient when I have no agenda to be anywhere else, but an appointment at the doctor is way more important than you or you needs? And how can I expect my children to listen to my advice when I don't walk the walk?

More than anything, I just want them to be happy.
And more than anything I want to model happiness.

I know that the reason I set different expectations for my kids than for myself is that I want them to develop better habits than I have. Yet, I know the strongest way to reinforce these good behaviors is to model them myself. So, while I am not cursing at other drivers on my way to preschool, I am not doing such a great job of being the parent I want to be on a regular basis.

Now, I know I am actually a really good mom. And I do a lot of things right. I also happen to be awesome at repairing things with my kids when I do make a mistake. I talk to them, I connect after I calm down, I explain. But I feel like I am repairing way too often. How does one learn to become the parent who models the behaviors we want our children to have when we don't really have those skills mastered ourselves? It feels a bit like teaching someone to ride a bike when you have no clue how to do it yourself.

I'm working on all of this...and I'd love any advice (or commiseration)!

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

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No One Told Me Parenting Was Going To Be Like Therapy

Positive Parents And A Giveaway!

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You Mean Everyone Isn't Parenting This Way?

Of Love, Gratitude And Cancer

A Reminder For Those Who Need It

Will Our Children Succeed In Spite Of Our Education System?

Feeling The Pressure To Be A Good Parent?

Discovering The Joy Of Reading (Plus A Giveaway)!

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Weekend Reading And Happy Holidays!

Are You Modeling "Do As I Say, Not As I Do" Parenting?