The Twin Coach

Of Love, Gratitude And Cancer

2012-02-05T21:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes being a parent brings challenges you would never wish to tackle, but which end up teaching you more than any book ever could. We all hope we are raising our children to be resilient and brave in the face of adversity, yet none of us hope those qualities will ever be put to the test.

The 13-year old son of my friend and mentor, Sara Perets, was diagnosed with Stage 4 Hodgkin's Lymphoma last Summer. With her permission, I am sharing her words here. Anyone who has been through a battle with cancer, in whatever form, can relate. But even for those of us lucky enough not to have been touched so closely, Sara's message about love and gratitude is one I think we all can benefit from.

Dearest Community,

Hold them close, life can change in an instant.

Many of you have asked, and I wanted to take this opportunity to share this letter regarding Freddie's treatment.

Last week Freddie finished his radiation therapy. It was the last day of his 7 months of treatment. We are now in the phase of remission. It’s a funny place to be. Freddie is still a “cancer patient” but treatment has ended. We now wait and have tests in 3 months. In a strange sort of way I feel like I need a “you are cancer free” letter to put closure on this. I feel like there is so much to be processed now that this has started to come to an end and we find ourselves on a different journey, as after this experience we have forever changed as individuals, parents, and human beings and will never look at life the same way again.

What this all has taught me is about love. Love and gratitude.

7 months ago when I was sitting in the hospital after having been delivered the news that my child had stage 4 cancer. Unable to move or think or breathe, I could not imagine what this road was going to teach me or how I would be tested as a mother. I couldn’t imagine how I was going to live through it….all I knew was I had to be there for my son and carry him through this so that he could continue living the life he was meant to live. Freddie has seen me cry once during this. It was when he finished his last round of chemo. There was this pause with both of us and we looked at each other and both started to cry. It was a moment that had arrived and neither of us could believe it was finally there and that we were both standing. Especially Freddie, who proved to have an incredible spirit, light, and positivity that was inspiring beyond all comprehension and it’s these qualities that carried me through. Children are your greatest teachers and in this case Freddie was the master teacher.

During this time, I found a love for Freddie that surpassed all. While we spent hours in the hospital and I held him like a baby while he cried with pain, I watched him vomit for hours after chemo, I saw his appearance change beyond recognition, and I sometimes held him while he slept. I had a closeness with him as if he were a little guy again. During all of that I had to move past the thoughts of “whys”….why him, why me, why is this happening? It was love that helped me, it was love that carried me, it was love that stopped me from breaking down when Freddie needed me the most, and it was love that helped me smile when I was crumbling inside.

I always thought I was a grateful person. Grateful for my children, my family, and my life but what I found gratitude for is not only the love and appreciation I have for my children, but for humanity. I so hinged on the fence of anger and despair many times but a community came together for our family and literally kept me standing at times. There were moments I felt like my legs could go no further and what carried me were the people who showed immense love, support, and heart to our family. We experienced this support in many many forms and felt the love and vibes that were sent across land and ocean to lift us up in our hearts and spirits. I am eternally grateful for all of the countless people involved in helping us over the last few months…even if it were down to phone calls, texts, or emails, they would always come when most needed and I never felt alone.

I am so grateful I was able to see Freddie experience this sense of community as well. It truly moved him and he commented many times about it. One aspect that moved me the most was watching the friendship between Freddie and his best friend Max. What a brave and remarkable boy to volunteer to sit with Freddie every night that he had chemo in the hospital. Freddie unfortunately saw many of his friends not able to cope with his illness, which is fine and expected, but from that he was able to experience true friendship. I know that it wasn’t easy for Max to see his best friend going through it and I know how scared he was to sit there and quietly be with Freddie while he underwent his grueling treatment but the depth of their friendship grew and both of them have had the chance to experience the love of friendship that I believe will last a lifetime. I was moved by witnessing this and so grateful for that boy Max whose bravery outshone many in the name of love and friendship.

Nothing like escaping the pain of chemo through
a little time spent with the Kardashians

As Freddie and I sat for hours in the hospital we bonded over watching (and becoming slightly obsessed over) Battlestar Galactica, the Kardashian wedding, what Code Blue, red, pink, silver, green, and orange were, and discussing movie plots in depth. We talked about countries Freddie wanted to travel to and places he wanted to see. We giggled over hospital food and medical students. All of these things are what got us through when times were challenging and they are memories we think fondly of. It is so interesting as this comes to an end how hard it is for me to leave the hospital and know we won’t be back as frequently. The nurses were my life line, our angels, and became our friends. All of them were amazing and not once did I ever see one of them not liking their job or not having a smile for Freddie. I was truly inspired by their dedication and honor at what they do. They are the angels on this earth.

As we move away from this all, I still think of all the families we met that are still in it. The one thing I learned about cancer is that is does not discriminate age, gender, or race. We are forever changed by watching the countless people getting treated with this horrible disease. Babies, toddlers, children, mothers, fathers…all going through and strangely tied to one another through cancer. There are smiles or maybe glances as you begin to tell what treatment they have or what stage they are in. As a mom with a child with cancer you get unimaginable looks as others can’t image what it must be like to watch your child suffer. There was a point in the treatment when we knew everything would be OK and we were just getting through the process but there were others that we knew were not so “lucky” as we watched them fight for their lives and I watched the faces of those moms as they watched their children fight for their lives. My fight, my struggles were insignificant to theirs and that was the greatest lesson of gratitude I learned.

There are many things I never talked about with anyone as they were too difficult to even mutter and too painful to recount. The war you fight with cancer is a long and brutal one and I don’t feel like I should even begin to tell anyone I know what it is like because I don’t really know. I didn’t have to feel what Freddie did. I wanted to tell him it was OK and comfort him but at the end of the day those words were empty because I didn’t have any have a clue what it was like. Many others that did know came to the rescue and connected to Fred. Many who inspired him and gave him hope for when it would all be over and connected with him because they had been there. I love you all that did that for him and I will be eternally grateful.

Even those of you I have never met in person but showed Freddie such love to help get him through this. This email is not for naming all the countless people, and extraordinary people, because if you received this you know you had a huge part in healing the spirit of a sick boy. When you see remnants of the child before he became ill turn into a smile or joy through a gift, letter or phone call, all of that care, love and support meant the world to us. We made incredible friendships through this process and I am eternally grateful. As I said, I once again believe in the human heart and how people come together for goodness. You all know who you are, thank you.

The first week of this process I was given a Lance Armstrong LIVESTRONG arm band to wear by a friend, the same one she wore everyday as her husband went through his cancer process. Live Strong. I often pondered about the meaning. Did it mean I needed to live strong throughout this or that it would inspire strength while having chemo? It came to me yesterday. It means to live strong every day after you kick cancer’s ass. What we have seen, experienced, and gone through with all the love, gratitude, and lessons we have learned will make us live strong for the future.

As we were leaving the hospital today we stopped to say an emotional good bye to one of the nurses.” Freddie and I were both filled with this bitter sweet feeling of relief and sadness. She said to us: “Sometimes the end is harder than the beginning." I feel the overpowering emotion starting to come out of Freddie, he has been through a lot. It is now time for us all to heal.

With Love and Gratitude,

Sara

A Reminder For Those Who Need It

2012-01-31T21:12:00.000-08:00

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.

If you want to be happy, practice compassion".

~ Dalai Lama

Dear mama (or papa) who feels so much,

It is wonderful that you connect so deeply to your children. It is beautiful how in tune you can be and how you always strive to make sure your children feel "felt". It is amazing how you allow them to express their needs and feelings so fully and that you really, really listen. I admire you for always wanting to do better.

And I hurt for you when you cry so bitterly and feel you have failed them. I wish I could take away the guilt and sadness you feel. You examine every word you said and worry that although you love your children completely, perhaps they don't experience it that way. You fear the future. You fear the culmination of all your wrong moves will result in your children bemoaning their childhood in the therapist's chair. You fear your children will never learn to love each other, to be kind, to be compassionate. I wish you could truly see how much you have done that is wonderful. But what you have done "wrong" clouds your vision. What you remember is your anger, your impatience, your resentment. But what you forget are all the beautiful moments that add up to happiness.

They will remember the patient hands that buttoned up their sweaters and the smell of the oatmeal you made for breakfast. They will remember how you dried their tears when they fell at the park and held them close when they were scared of witches in their bedroom. They will remember the necklaces that you never took off, one with each of their initials. They will remember the feel of curling up with you under soft, white blankets, telling stories by flashlight. They will remember how you painted their toenails and dressed up for Halloween with them. They will remember how they could make you laugh so hard you cried.

Maybe they will remember how you yelled sometimes. Maybe they will remember you were impatient. But more importantly, they will remember you acknowledged that it felt scary for them when that happened and that you apologized afterwards. They may remember your tears of frustration, but more importantly they will remember how you whispered in their ear each night the things that day that made you love them.

Dear mama (or papa) who feels so much, it can be a blessing and a curse to feel as much as you do. Be as kind and compassionate to yourself as you are to your children. Of all the things you are trying to teach them, of utmost importance is modeling to them how to forgive yourself when you make a mistake.

Your children love you.
You are always doing the best you can in every moment.
Take that in.
Believe it.

~ Love, Gina

Will Our Children Succeed In Spite Of Our Education System?

2012-01-15T22:20:00.000-08:00

Alfie Kohn. He doesn't look like he'd
be so subversive, does he?

"Few parents have the courage and independence to care more for their children's happiness than for their success." ~ Erich Fromm

“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

~ George Carlin

In the 5 or so years that I have been a parent there have been a few people I have come in contact with whose philosophy about children spoke to me so completely that I instantly felt a bond. I have been so fortunate in my time as a blogger to have found an amazing group of like-minded people whose writings and teachings continuously open my eyes to better ways of being with children. Last week I went to a lecture given by Alfie Kohn titled "Pushed Too Hard: Parenting in an Achievement Crazy Culture" which not only opened my eyes, it blew my mind.

I'd heard of Alfie Kohn for a number of years which is not surprising given that he is the author of a dozen books and over 100 articles on human behavior, education and parenting. When the opportunity came up to hear his lecture, I jumped at it because I knew it was going to be something interesting. What I didn't realize was how dynamic a speaker he was, how he would push me to re-think beliefs I had held as fact and how persuasive the arguments for his line of thinking would be. There is no way I can do his lecture justice here, but I do want to try and sum up a few of the brilliant points he made that evening.

The lecture began with the audience being asked what their long-term goals are for their children. The answers included self-reliant, creative, curious, compassionate, fulfilled, vital members of their community, happy in their own skin and so forth. You get the drift. Mr. Kohn made the observation that one thing all of these ideals had in common was that none of these descriptions had anything to do with what kind of learners our kids would be, but rather what kind of people they will become.

Our practices are at odds with what we want for our children.

How often do you catch yourself saying it?

Most parents and educators use some combination of rewards and praise in an effort to build self-esteem and encourage children to succeed. Mr. Kohn has written extensively on the subject of rewards and praise in numerous articles and books like Punished By Rewards and Unconditional Parenting. We want our children to be generous and kind, so we reward them when they behave that way. But studies show that these rewards actually have the reverse effect of what we want! From Alfie Kohn's article 5 Reasons To Stop Saying "Good Job":

"Very much like tangible rewards – or, for that matter, punishments – it’s a way of doing something to children to get them to comply with our wishes. It may be effective at producing this result (at least for a while), but it’s very different from working with kids – for example, by engaging them in conversation about what makes a classroom (or family) function smoothly, or how other people are affected by what we have done -- or failed to do. The latter approach is not only more respectful but more likely to help kids become thoughtful people."

Rewards and praise (and even punishments) teach children to behave in the desired way only when there is the possibility of being rewarded. It doesn't teach them to connect to their inner sense of kindness and generosity and to simply be that way because they are intrinsically motivated to do so.

We want our students to work hard and do their best, so we test them and praise good performance. But research shows that, again, this only serves to motivate students to want to get good grades, not become the lifelong learners we all hope for! As I wrote last year about the ideas of intrinsic motivation and praise in a post about the groundbreaking book, NurtureShock:

"In other words, giving your children money for doing chores, extra computer time for doing well on a test or saying 'good job' whenever they put away their toys simply keeps them needing those "rewards" to be motivated. They have not learned to do things simply for the joy of just doing them".

The more you reward people for doing something, the more they lose interest in doing it.

As parents (or educators, I would imagine), we may feel that we need to reinforce good behavior as if that good behavior is simply a fluke. But praise is ultimately a judgment. And since we know that no one likes to be judged, we can, instead of praising, use a phrase like "I noticed":

I noticed that you helped your friend when she fell down.
I noticed that you gave half your lunch to your friend who forgot his.
I noticed that you put a lot of effort into your science project.

But what about rewarding children for doing well in school?

The main way children are rewarded in school is by receiving grades for their work. Alfie Kohn makes the argument that grades in school actually do the opposite of what we would hope they do. The research shows that not only don't grades motivate people, they actually do something much worse:

Students actually find the task less interesting once grades are introduced. Thus, they are less likely to return to the subject on their own time (loss of intrinsic motivation) and many simply lose interest in the subject entirely.
Assigning grades leads students to avoid risk. What does this mean? That our children will choose the easiest classes, the simplest book for a book report, study a foreign language they already know in order to get a better grade. Kids aren't stupid, if adults tell them that grades are what is important, then they will find the best way to ensure they get the best grade.
Grades tend to reduce the quality of students’ thinking. As Alfie Kohn writes, "They may skim books for what they’ll "need to know." They’re less likely to wonder, say, "How can we be sure that’s true?" than to ask "Is this going to be on the test?"

Mr. Kohn pushed the point further last week and made the statement that the only thing worse than a reward is an award. That is, what contests do is to make our children view others as potential obstacles to success. How does this fit in with our desire to teach our children to be kind and compassionate? Can one be simultaneously competitive and altruistic?

I can guess what these parents would think
of Alfie Kohn and his ideas.

For parents who grew up in families that were either very competitive or where achievement was paramount, the ideas that Mr. Kohn puts forth might seem really "out there". Lest you dismiss him entirely, I urge you to actually read his articles like The Case Against Grades or Well, Duh! 10 Obvious Truths We Shouldn't Be Ignoring. And, perhaps, consider his statement that he sees only 3 reasons why grades should be given:

To satisfy parents
It allows teachers to compel kids to do what the teachers want them to do.
People are going to give your children grades later, so they might as well get used to it now.

None of those feel like very good reasons to me. And don't even get him started on tests and homework. Suffice it to say that he quoted research that basically says that tests measure what matters least: how many forgettable facts you've crammed into short term memory. And homework? Research shows that it has no benefit for children until High School. Before then, Mr. Kohn just sees it as requiring our children to do a "second shift" after 7 hours of school.

Still, it takes courage to do right by kids in an era when the quantitative matters more than the qualitative, when meeting (someone else’s) standards counts for more than exploring ideas, and when anything “rigorous” is automatically assumed to be valuable. We have to be willing to challenge the conventional wisdom, which in this case means asking not how to improve grades but how to jettison them once and for all. ~ Alfie Kohn

Would they love school as much if
everything they did was graded?

Some of you may be thinking, "Well, I was graded from Kindergarten through Law School, had loads of homework every night, played competitive sports and I turned out just fine". But, as my friend, Wendy said on my Facebook page yesterday, did you turn out fine BECAUSE of all of that? Or in spite of it?

Just something to think about.

I know this may be controversial to some. It also may be frustrating, especially if your local school is more traditional in nature and you don't have a choice as to where to send your child. But if any of this strikes you as making some sense then I urge you to investigate further and find a way to make some changes for the sake of your children. And, as always, I'd love to know your thoughts about all of this. Leave your comments below!

Thanks for reading!

-Gina

The Twin Coach

Feeling The Pressure To Be A Good Parent?

2012-01-08T21:51:00.000-08:00

Even though we know the perfect family is a myth,
why do we try so hard to have one?

There are so many times, as a parent, when you just feel as though you are doing everything wrong. On those days when your find yourself slamming doors in frustration or muttering under your breath while your children are yelling at each other and you feel as though you've botched yet another attempt at remaining cool, calm and connected, it's pretty easy to feel like a lousy parent.

And there are so many ways in which we compound this feeling by comparing ourselves to other parents and feeling as though someone else is doing all the things we're not doing. The more we know about parenting and how our children develop, the more we can become painfully aware of our own shortcomings.

This morning in the LA Times there was an article about how much movies that depict parenting have changed because, in fact, parenting itself has changed over the years.

"In the past, people parented based on instincts and how they were raised, but now with technology and the ease of transmittable information, we know so much more about parenting, We do so much more thinking about parenting, You can't turn on a morning show without an expert talking about college anxiety, how to keep our kids busier...Everyone wants to know how everyone else is doing it."

Have the massive amount of parenting books I've read
in the last 5 years helped or made me more stressed?

Granted, I tend to be anxious and neurotic at times, but is having so much information at our fingertips always a good thing? In my experience this increased knowledge has been a double-edged sword. On the one hand I feel empowered because the information I have helps me understand why my children behave the way they do, be more conscious of what they need and feel more closely connected to them as people. On the other hand, having so much knowledge about all of the things that can help children blossom (especially during their first 5 years) can, at times, make me feel as though I will never be as good a parent as I want to be.

Logically, of course I know there is no possible way we can all do everything "right". It could make you insane to try. As one mother in the the LA Times article comments:

"The focus on having the right things and what are they eating...lactation consultants, crib consultants, I swear to God there are curtain consultants. Parenting has become this whole other culture".

And yet, I do get down on myself for not doing more. Logically I know that I am a good mother and that I do a lot of things really well, but are there areas in which I wish I did things better? Of course. Are there areas in which I look at others and compare myself? Of course. Its that pointless and self-defeating? Of course. But perhaps it's also human nature to compare and contrast. Would I prefer not to know so much? I'm not sure. I would imagine that our parents and grandparents had a much different experience being parents than we are having. They were probably less self-critical of their parenting and less stressed out. But was ignorance actually bliss? I suppose for some, but I don't think I'd trade in knowing so much.

The other angle of all of this increased interest in parenting that intrigues me are the parents who see their children as extensions of themselves. As the Times article points out, "It's almost like keeping up with the Joneses. Instead of who's got the nicer car, it's who's doing better for their kid." Living in Los Angeles this is an all too common occurrence. A friend of mine told me recently about being snubbed at the park for bringing Doritos for her son to have as a snack by a mom who had brought organic, grilled salmon and quinoa for her own child.

At the end of the day, what I want most
is for my children to be happy.

Have "good" children become the new status symbol? If your child is seemingly the most well-adjusted, does that mean you have done the best job parenting? Does it mean that your parenting philosophy is the best one? Do we, as parents, get to pat ourselves on the back for a job well done when our child shares or empathizes or eats salmon and quinoa? Well, perhaps. But not if we are simultaneously looking down at someone else for having a different parenting style, or for having a child who is struggling in some area ours has mastered. What, then, are we modeling for our children?

My sense is that no matter your philosophy, we're all doing our best to raise happy, healthy children. The fact that there is so much information out there on how to do it is both wonderful and overwhelming. I think the best we can all do for the children involved is to choose what information resonates in our hearts, be gentle with ourselves when we mess up and just be as loving, kind and respectful as you can be...in my experience, when I do those things, I find that I am a pretty awesome parent.

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

Discovering The Joy Of Reading (Plus A Giveaway)!

2012-01-04T16:59:00.000-08:00

“The habit of reading is the only enjoyment in which there is no alloy; it lasts when all other pleasures fade.”

~ Anthony Trollope

“The more you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go.”

~ Dr. Seuss

My fondest childhood memories revolve around the love of reading, writing and story-telling my parents shared with me. This passion for words and expression meant there were books everywhere in our house, librettos were read before going to an opera, deeply personal diaries were kept and long, detailed stories were told before bed. Now that I am a mother myself, I am doing my best to create this love of reading and story telling with my own kids.

We've read to our children from day one, kept books everywhere from our cars to our bathrooms, and let our children see us reading books for enjoyment. In our home our children know that books are important. We inscribe them with the kids' names, who the book was from and what occasion the book was given for. This year I started using these personalized, vintage bookplates from Oiseaux in the children's favorite books. When we read aloud we try to make it exciting, using different voices, hushed whispers and lots of expression. As children's book author, Mem Fox, says,

"When I say to a parent, 'read to a child', I don't want it to sound like medicine. I want it to sound like chocolate.”

Short words, simple stories and repetition helps kids
build confidence in their reading.

We never have tried to teach our children to read. Rather, we have tried to impart a love for books and what they offer. Because we laid this foundation, when I brought home a box of Bob Books about 4 months ago and asked my 4 1/2-year old son if he wanted to try and read the books on his own, he dove right in.

To my amazement, this boy who deeply loves books, but who had never even tried to read on his own, was reading these books within minutes. The look on his face when he realized this was priceless!

For Christmas he got lots of cool gifts, but the one he's enjoyed most so far are his set of the next level of Bob Books. He's figuring out words he's never seen before, understanding simple stories and totally encouraged to try more. He's even ventured into reading some of his regular books and is making his way through some of the simpler Dr. Seuss stories.

I would never recommend pushing a child to read before they're ready. Like anything else with early childhood, pushing too soon can often backfire. I merely offered the books and was available whenever he wanted to try. But because of the way they're designed, he felt successful right off the bat. I think it's our son's passion for really wanting to read, coupled with his excitement to be doing something before his sister, that has spurred him on. And it is absolutely this amazing series of books that has given him the confidence to say "I can read"! That's him, below, reading one of the new books, "O.K., Kids". (if you can't see the video, please use this link to it on YouTube).

I hadn't heard of Bob Books until stumbling upon them via a connection on Twitter, but since having such success with them I have told everyone I know how well they work and how much both my children love them. As with just about everything else in my life, that means I also share it on my blog with you! But even better than just telling you about how well they work, this post is a chance for you to win a set of Bob Books Set 1. These books make a great gift or, if your child is too young to start, win them and keep them until the time is right!

Winning is simple. All you need to do is leave a comment below and tell me what the first book is that you remember reading. I will pick a winner at random (thank you, Random.org) on Monday, January 9th at noon, PST. Please be sure to leave your email address so I can notify you if you win!

If you want to check out more about Bob Books, you can review their website, check out their Facebook page or Twitter feed.

Thanks for reading (literally)!
-Gina
The Twin Coach
Bob Books has provided one set of their books for this giveaway, but I was not compensated in any other way for this review. I only review products and books I truly use and love. I hope you enjoy them as much as we did!

Who Is Teaching Whom?

2011-12-29T20:22:00.000-08:00

‎"Motherhood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It's about understanding that he is exactly the person he is supposed to be. And that, if you're lucky, he just might be the teacher who turns you into the person you are supposed to be." ~ Joan Ryan

I think it's when my children are sleeping
that I most often think about whether I am
teaching them all they need to know.

I think we would be lying if we didn't all say we had, at least for one moment, daydreams or hopes about who our children would be one day. Even those of us who agree that children already are someone the moment they are born, may still have trouble letting go of our wishes for who they might become. Who wouldn't hope for their child to have every opportunity in life? But what if our children have traits we feel may make life difficult?

I know I've never wished I had different children, but I certainly have had times where their personalities exasperated me. My son's dreaminess and ability to get lost in 5 different activities on his way to put his dirty dish in the sink makes me nuts sometimes. My daughter's penchant for trying to re-negotiate every rule, and the fact that she laughs maniacally when overtired, push every one of my buttons. Yet, if I stop for a minute I can see that there is so much for me to learn from my reaction to my children's behaviors.

As parents I think we spend much of our time thinking about what we are teaching our children. We teach them to sleep through the night, to eat solid food without choking, to get dressed on their own, to say "please' and "thank you", to share, to read, to be kind, to be a good friend. We hope we are teaching them our values and morals, we picture ourselves teaching them to ride a bike or drive a car, we dream of teaching them to love art, we wonder if we can teach them to cook.

But I think few of us stop to consider how much our children teach us each day. In our effort to teach our children all that we know so that they might grow up to become everything they have the potential to be, perhaps we are forgetting that if we could just step out of the way, we would see how much we can learn from them. If we look at their "difficult behaviors" as their way of showing us who they are instead of their way of disobeying us, we begin to see our children in a whole new light.

Dreamy and sensitive. I wouldn't want
it any other way.

My son getting easily distracted doesn't have to be so frustrating. I would actually love to be as dreamy as he is. I would love to not always be so focused on potential problems up ahead and to be so easily entertained by the simple things that delight him.

My daughter's strong opinions will actually serve her well down the line. I would love to be as sure of my own artistic abilities and point of view as she is. I would love to have the same sense of joy she has over finding something as inconsequential as a stray, sparkly sequin. It's garbage to me, but only she knows how this little, shiny object will enhance the collection of treasures she has at home.

Bedtime struggles can be a time for tears. But if I think about it, I would love to run, as they do, naked through the house completely unashamed and dancing with abandon to my favorite songs. I would love to feel so much pride in my body.

I would love to see the whole world as the magical place they do, each discovery a miracle in itself. I wonder if I would be happier if I believed that toys came to life when I wasn't there, that wishes made on dandelions did come true, or that fairies drank the dew drops in our garden.

And what we can learn from our children isn't just about being as free and openminded as they are. I know that every day I am learning from them about how to forgive, how to love wholeheartedly, how to ask for help when I am struggling with something, how to be brave, how to try new things and not give up when they are difficult, and how to find joy in ordinary moments. In studying my reactions to the things they do that trigger my anger I begin to shed light on my own insecurities and weaknesses as well as my strengths (because, I will admit, sometimes I do a great job of understanding and connecting).

Of course my children aren't perfect, but they are exactly the children I am supposed to have in order to learn the lessons I need to learn. These two, wise little souls are here to guide me, just as much as I am here to guide them (perhaps more so)! So for all my dreams about who my children will one day become, I am very, very grateful for the kind, generous people they are right now.

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

Weekend Reading And Happy Holidays!

2011-12-23T20:41:00.000-08:00

Feeling the love for
my readers.

Christmas weekend is already upon us. It's so hard to believe yet another year is coming to an end. I hope you have some down time during this busy weekend to relax and read a little. With all the holiday celebrating and shopping this week you may have missed some of the wonderful and interesting articles that I shared this week, so here's your weekly wrap-up! But before I begin, I want to take a minute to just say a heartfelt thank you for every single one of you. Whether you comment regularly, forward and share my posts to friends or just simply read them whenever you have time, I love you for it. I try to be helpful, honest and open with each post and when you tell me something has helped or resonated with you even in some small way, it makes it all worth it. Thank you.

And with all that said, here are this week's posts, articles, quotes and thoughts that inspired and interested me this week. I hope you enjoy them:

My Favorite Parenting Posts This Week

If There Is A Silver Bullet, Your Toddler Probably Hid It.

"There are hard days and there are amazing days. There are days when your toddler is fun, and loving, and cute. But there are also days when your toddler is frustrating, and stubborn and difficult. There are days when you are an amazing parent. But there are also days where you feel like the worst parent in the world (I know because you’ve told me and because people Google “I’m a bad mother” every day and end up on my blog)".
~ From PhD In Parenting.

Why Your Kids Make You A Better Person

"I want to be like all of them. They inspire me and push me to be a better person every day. Sometimes when we have children we think of it as the end of our dreams, the giving up being "The Great... whatever"- but I would challenge us to think of it differently. Challenge us to think of it as the beginning of making our dreams come true, because we now not only answer to ourselves, but also to these incredible spirits we bring into our world."

~ From Girl On Saturday

Babies And Crying: What's A Parent To Do?

"It seems this is a conversation that needs to continue to happen. There is so much emotion, judgment, misinformation, and misunderstanding around this issue, and that’s not good for parents or babies. Also, the question of how to respond to a baby’s cries goes right to the core of how we view babies, and how sensitively and respectfully we care for them".

~ From Lisa Sunbury's blog, Regarding Baby

Remembering Dad

"It was time to talk about the unknown. It was time to break their little hearts and open their world to worries that no kids should ever know. It was time to talk about loss.

“You haven’t met my daddy because my daddy isn’t here anymore. My daddy is up in Heaven.”

Their eyes, his perfectly round and blue and hers perfectly round and brown, burned a hole through my heart as they waited for more. A simple explanation would not suffice this time around".
~ Katie Hurley's beautiful post about discussing her deceased father with her children (Katie writes a wonderful blog called Practical Parenting. This was a guest post on Moonfrye Family).

It's Up To Parents To Resist The Tyranny Of The Pink Princesses.

"This isn't good for either sex. Girls are being taught to aspire to be a princess – whose main job is to wait for her prince to come, and to doll herself up in the meantime. It is a passive role in which the dominant desire is to be desired. They aren't encouraged to be an active or brave agent, like a fireman or soldier or doctor or train driver. Boys lose out too, though. If they fear they can't go near a craft set or a doll, then they won't have a chance to indulge the creative or loving side of their nature. Why should love be reserved only for females? Or cooking, for that matter?"

~ From The Independent (Via 7Wonderlicious)

News Of The Week

Lego's wonderful ad from 1981.
Forget the pink aisles and new girl figures with
breasts, bring back beautiful!

Reel Girl's Letter To Lego

"Dear Lego,

Legos were special. They were unique and creative and helped kids to build. Legos inspired kids’ imaginations. Boys and girls could play Legos together. But with your new product, Lego Friends, created for girls, I can no longer tell the difference between Lego toys and the ubiquitous Disney princess products or Barbies. Is that the point? Because if it is, your copy cat strategy abandons the very qualities that made your toy great".
~ From Margot Magowan's blog, Reel Girl.

The Petition On Change.org

"Marketers, ad execs, Hollywood and just about everyone else in the media are busy these days insisting that girls, the “other 50%,” as LEGO puts it, are not interested in their products unless they’re pink, cute, or romantic. They’ve come to this conclusion even though they’ve refused to market their products to the girls they are so certain will not like them. Who populates commercials for LEGOs? Boys! Where in the toy store can you find original LEGOs? The boy aisle! So it’s no wonder LEGO’s market research showed girls want pink. It’s the environment and the message marketers have bombarded girls with for over a decade because, of course, stereotypes make marketing products so much easier." ~ Sign the petition if you want to tell LEGO that girls love LEGOs just the way they are!

Color Lines

"Imagine a toy store where the aisles are separated by color. The toys in the different-colored aisles contrast sharply from each other, and send strong messages to the children viewing them about what is and is not accepted and expected from children of the other color. They also send strong messages about which colored child should be in which aisle, and where their interests lay. For the most part, the children accept the color lines and stick to their aisle. Grown ups seem to have no problem with it.

The Black Aisle for African American kids. The White Aisle for Caucasian kids.
Oh, is that offensive?"

~ I love this short post from Pigtail Pals

My Favorite Visual Of The Week

This protest collage is what you should show every person who says

that breastfeeding in public is obscene.

My Favorite Quotes Of The Week

“When a child hits a child, we call it aggression.
When a child hits an adult, we call it hostility.
When an adult hits an adult, we call it assault.
When an adult hits a child, we call it discipline.”
~Haim G. Ginott

‎"Behavior" is NOT the problem.
Your child's inability to MEET HIS NEEDS in acceptable ways is the root issue. Listen, acknowledge, validate, empathize and strategize about NEEDS & FEELINGS and negative behavior will be transformed.
Connect the mind to body.
Get Emotional.
Stop trying to have your way.
Be the bigger person.
BREATHE
LAUGH
PLAY
♥"
~ via TEACH Through Love

"Children's strong feelings do not disappear when they are told, 'it is not nice to feel that way' or when parents try to convince them that they 'have no reason to feel that way'. Strong feelings do not vanish by being banished; but they do diminish in intensity and lose their sharp edges when the listener accepts them with sympathy and understanding."~ Haim Ginott

(Via The Way of The Peaceful Parent).

‎"When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you" ~ unknown

And with that, dear readers, I wish you a truly wonderful holiday. As always, I love your comments and insights and please join me on Facebook and Twitter which is where I post all of these things I find interesting but can't find time to blog about!

Thanks for reading!

-Gina

The Twin Coach

Are You Modeling "Do As I Say, Not As I Do" Parenting?

2011-12-20T18:00:00.000-08:00

While I'm not flipping the bird at other drivers,
I definitely model some behaviors I'm not proud of.
(image via babycenter.com)

I have been turning over this blog post in my mind for some time now. I keep starting to write it and then get stuck. Maybe that's because what I am writing about isn't an example of my most stellar, shining parenting moments. In fact, I have been wondering lately if I spend a good deal of my day being a hypocrite.

Now, I don't intend to be hypocritical and I don't generally feel that I am behaving that way, but then I stopped to think about it and it struck me that there is an awful lot of "do as I say and not as I do" going on in my house.

I know very well that it is what we model for our children and not necessarily what we say that really teaches them. I know that it is the way I say something more than the words I use that makes the impact. But sometimes I feel as though more often than not I am not the paradigm of calm parenting that I wish I was.

"Speak kindly", I tell my children. I hear this come out of my mouth all the time. When my kids are getting angry at each other I remind them that yelling at someone isn't going to get them what they want (while sheepishly remembering how I lost my temper earlier and yelled). "Speak kindly to each other", I tell them and then wonder if I said that in an exasperated and snappish way. "Be kind to your sister" I remind my son, then flash back to me losing my temper with her.

What am I actually teaching them? That words don't matter much? That you can be kind except when you are really frustrated? Most of all I worry about what I am teaching my son when he sees how frustrated I get with his sister. I want more than anything for them to be kind to each other, yet he sees how she pushes my buttons and he sees how he can polarize himself by being "the good twin". I hear her say that she doesn't think he likes her and that breaks my heart. I fear he does it to be closer to me, to be on my "side". Does he think I don't like her? I worry that I am teaching them both that you aren't lovable when you make other people angry.

I tend to try and handle things on my own
until the point of no return.

"Be patient", I tell my children. Teaching my children about patience and delayed gratification is something I work on all the time. But I often lose my patience with them (even while telling them they need to be more patient about something)! I teach them about cooling down, taking deep breaths, being mindful...and sometimes I am really good at modeling all of that. But then there are times when my need to be somewhere on time trumps my desire to be present and in the moment. In those moments I have no patience for my daughter dragging out the bedtime routine for an extra hour or my son dreamily taking 45 minutes to put on his socks in the morning. And even in the moment of my losing my patience I am hazily aware that what I am doing is pointless and actually making things drag on longer than if I simply slowed down & connected for 5 minutes with each of them. And yet, I don't stop. I threaten, I bang things, I pretty much act way more immature than my 4 1/2 year olds.

What am I teaching them? That you should be patient, but only when it's convenient? I can be patient when I have no agenda to be anywhere else, but an appointment at the doctor is way more important than you or you needs? And how can I expect my children to listen to my advice when I don't walk the walk?

More than anything, I just want them to be happy.
And more than anything I want to model happiness.

I know that the reason I set different expectations for my kids than for myself is that I want them to develop better habits than I have. Yet, I know the strongest way to reinforce these good behaviors is to model them myself. So, while I am not cursing at other drivers on my way to preschool, I am not doing such a great job of being the parent I want to be on a regular basis.

Now, I know I am actually a really good mom. And I do a lot of things right. I also happen to be awesome at repairing things with my kids when I do make a mistake. I talk to them, I connect after I calm down, I explain. But I feel like I am repairing way too often. How does one learn to become the parent who models the behaviors we want our children to have when we don't really have those skills mastered ourselves? It feels a bit like teaching someone to ride a bike when you have no clue how to do it yourself.

I'm working on all of this...and I'd love any advice (or commiseration)!

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

Weekend Reading

2011-12-16T14:33:00.000-08:00

There's nothing I love more than time
to read quietly by myself.

When I started this blog I also started being more active on both Facebook and Twitter and subsequently got connected to literally hundreds and hundreds of wonderfully interesting people who write, think and talk about parenting and anything related to it. I know not all of you follow me on those social media sites (although...it would be awesome if you did!) which is where I share many of the things I find interesting, but don't have time to blog about myself. For some time I've been intending to send out a wrap up of some of the best blog posts and articles I've come across over the week. Hopefully you'll have time over the weekend to catch up on what you may have missed!

My Favorite Parenting Posts This Week

Communication or Miscommunication?
"Parents, you are the center of your child’s world for many years, and they WILL model themselves after the example you set. If you listen to them, they will learn to listen. If you are rude to them, they will learn to be rude. If you treat them with respect, they will learn to be respectful. If you are angry, demanding, and harsh with them, they will learn to be angry, demanding, and harsh. And so on. Live out how you want your children to turn out. That, parents, is what it means to “train up a child in the way he should go.” A powerful post from the always insightful Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources.

Calm Down Corner - My Way.

Who know glitter glue could be so helpful?

"I know you may thinking, "What? A fun place to go when they're in trouble?" :) This is not a punishment, but a place to calm the mind. When my kids are regulated, I sit down with them and we talk about what happened and ways to improve or handle things better the next time. After all, the goal is to teach them better so they know what the right thing to do is, and they are much more receptive to my teachings when their brains are calm and regulated." Positive Parenting: Toddlers And Beyond is one of my favorite blogs. The author never fails to bring me back to how I want to be parenting.

Don't Fix These Toddler Struggles "Stop. Breathe. Observe. Then intervene in a way that empowers, but only if necessary". Wonderful advice from Janet Lansbury on ways to stop getting so involved in our children's struggles. Lessons parents can learn no matter how old their kids are!

The Good Tantrum: Attachment And Emotional Expression
"Whether you are four or forty, being human means having to deal with a lot of feelings, feelings that don’t come with a time stamp. They can sneak up on you, just like Tom triggering memories of how small and insignificant I felt as a child under my mother’s judgmental gaze. And we all, big and small, deserve the opportunity to share how we feel in a caring, thoughtful and non-judgmental space. It saddens me when I hear parents proudly say they don’t put up with tantrums and send their kids off to the solitary confinement of their rooms until they can behave “properly.” I know they love their children, but what a lost opportunity to nurture and support them! That would be like my husband telling me, 'I have no intention of loving all of you. I only want to see the parts that are easy for me' ". Very interesting post from The Parent Scientist via the inspirational Lu Hanessian from Parent2ParentU

My Favorite Holiday Posts this week

Christmas Classics II This is cheating I guess because this post was written by Dana of Feast After Famine last December, but it is such an all-time favorites of mine that I have saved it. On top of that, it is such a brilliant idea for children's gifts that I had to share it. Dana, I'm stealing this idea from you this year!

Why Having Less Toys May Bring More Happiness To The Family
"Hey, I love to see my child happy as much as the next mum but I have found an alternative route to this joy which involves not having all the toys. Here are my top reasons why:" Wonderful insight from Loving Earth Mama

An Unwelcome Detour Turned Into An Unforgettable Moment

"When I picked my son up from school on Monday, I had a lot on my mind. Exactly one hour was all we had to run a quick errand, go to the grocery store, and then off to pick up Little Sister.

I see him and immediately remind him that we’re in a bit of a rush.

His face slightly drops. But, I thought you were taking me to the park so I could ride my bike.

My face drops.

Oh yeah, I think, I did promise didn’t I? Looming deadlines, unfinished Christmas cards, and lack of groceries swirl around in my head. I don’t want to, I think with immense guilt. But, I did promise". I love this post from Confessions of a Dr. Mom and I think we can all relate to the feeling of being pulled in two directions.

Have you ever thought about being a real secret Santa?

Anonymous Donors Pay Off Kmart Layaway Accounts. Not a blog post, but a news article. Still...such a simple way to make someone else's Christmas. Can you imagine if we all helped a family this way? What a difference we could make. Oh, and yes...I totally cried reading this.

A Video You Must See

Annie Murphy Paul is the author of "Origins: How the Nine Months Before Birth Shape the Rest of Our Lives." and this is her TED Talk titled What babies learn before they're born. "The fetus, we now know, is not an inert blob, but an active and dynamic creature, responding and adapting as it readies itself for life in the particular world it will soon enter. The pregnant woman is neither a passive incubator nor a source of always-imminent harm to her fetus, but a powerful and often positive influence on her child even before it's born. And pregnancy is not a nine-month wait for the big event of birth, but a crucial period unto itself -- "a staging period for well-being and disease in later life," as one scientist puts it". For some reason I wasn't able to embed the video here, but please watch it and read the interview with Annie Murphy Paul by clicking here.

Eye Opener Of The Week

Top 5 Regrets In Life By Those About To Die
"Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness" - from Addicted2Success.com

Favorite Quotes Of The Week

A parent's love is whole no matter how many times divided.

~Robert Brault

‎"Punishment is something that happens to someone.

Discipline is something found in someone."

~ Amanda Morgan, Not Just Cute

I'd love to know what your thoughts are about this week's wrap up. I hope to do this every Friday and am always interested in hearing what moves you, intrigues you and inspires you.

Happy reading!

-Gina

The Twin Coach

Are We All Judging Each Other?

2011-12-09T18:02:00.000-08:00

Obviously, there's no one really keeping score
on how we parent. But sometimes it feels that way.

“The more one judges, the less one loves.” ~ Honore de Balzac

A short time after I began writing this blog I was at the park with my kids when I was recognized by one of my readers. I was surprised, flattered and a little freaked out. Not because she recognized me, but because I suddenly realized that if I was actually recognizable, there might be any number of people who are aware of my parenting philosophies and who could be watching to see if I practice what I preach!

I can't imagine I'm the only one who considers how others perceive me when I am parenting in public. For example, when your sweet child throws an ear splitting tantrum in the supermarket, suddenly it feels as though a million eyes are on you, each one deciding if you are parenting appropriately. Obviously, the conclusion those strangers draw is totally subjective, but no one likes to feel judged. Then why do we all do it so often?

I was recently at an indoor play space with my kids and was watching my son play in a ball pit that included a large slide. He was feeling a little energetic and was jumping off the slide and into the balls below. The mother of a little girl who was also there began to get rather agitated that he was going to either hurt her daughter or hurt himself. I kept hearing her suck in her breath and encourage her daughter to tell my son "no, I don't like that" when he got too close. This, of course, had the opposite effect as he was now intrigued with this girl.

Why would I care so much about what a stranger thinks?
Why would I give someone else so much power?

I began to notice my stress level raising. I imagined the mother was judging my son as being too aggressive and me as being too permissive. I told my son to stop, he was overtired and feeling mischievous so he ignored me which ratcheted up my stress. I felt the other mother's eyes boring into my head. My son made a move to jump back into the pit, I heard the woman say "no!" and I snapped at her that my son wasn't going to jump on her daughter...she looked shocked and said she hadn't thought that. Did I imagine the whole thing? Was my fear of being judged to be an ineffectual parent creating scenarios? Whatever the reality was, I was mortified and spent the rest of the afternoon trying to avoid this woman.

As I look back on it, I wish I had been more centered and more confident that my son's behavior was not something that needed stopping. He was being a little rowdy, perhaps, but my tense demand that he stop doing what he was doing only made him want to do it more. And why did I care about what some stranger thought anyway? I will never see her again, why did I need her to decide I was a "good" parent? Why did it matter to me that she think my son was a "good boy"?

I know that I am too concerned with what other people think. It's an issue I have dealt with most of my life and wrote about earlier this year in my post Perfection Is Perfectly Impossible. I've actually let go of this need to be perfect in many areas of my life, but I'm aware that when it comes to my parenting, my fear of being seen as doing it badly or ineffectually is very powerful. I've noticed as well that it's very easy to get caught up in accepting (and wanting) praise when my children behave in socially acceptable ways as if this means I must be a wonderful person to have taught my children so well. The biggest problem with this is that I then must also believe the converse, that when they are misbehaving, or acting out, that I am somehow to blame and must be not only a lousy parent, but a lousy person.

I think about that Balzac quote often. If I am judging myself so harshly, how can I be loving myself? And if am spending so much time not loving myself, what am I modeling for my kids? And why am I putting so much power in the hands of others?

“Our dependency makes slaves out of us, especially if this dependency is a dependency of our self-esteem. If you need encouragement, praise, pats on the back from everybody, then you make everybody your judge.” ~ unknown

How could I be anything less than an awesome mom
when I have such awesome children?

I think everyone passes judgment at one time or another, sometimes without even realizing it. Probably, deep down, part of the reason we do it to make ourselves feel better. It's like why we watch trashy TV...we get to compare ourselves favorably and feel superior. But of course it doesn't actually work in any deep and meaningful way.

So the next time a parent gives me a disapproving look because my daughter isn't wearing a coat in the cold weather, or someone yells that my son should hold my hand when we cross the street, instead of feeling the sting of their criticism, I am trying to remember that anything these other parents are saying shows more about their character than mine.

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

Have you ever felt judged about your parenting? How do you handle it? I'd love to hear your stories and suggestions in the comments below.

Are We Modern Women Or Behaving Like Our Grandmothers?

2011-11-27T16:39:00.001-08:00

Julia Rothman for The Washington Post

I'm a stay at home mom. I have a lot of friends who are stay at home moms. I'm sure each of us decided to stay home to raise our kids for different reasons, but the fact is that all of us are what I think of as quite modern women who are highly educated and yet our careers were put on hold (or said goodbye to) in order to be full time mothers. I find it interesting how many families these days seem really happy with what is in many ways a very "traditional" arrangement with dad going to work and mom staying home. I remember when I was in my 20's and married to my first husband, I brought up the idea of staying home when we had children and he seemed completely put out. He not only didn't want the pressure of being the sole breadwinner, but he turned his nose up at the idea that his wife might no longer be the fancy fashion designer he married but would instead be "just" a mom. Obviously, he and I were not meant to be.

But the idea that just a decade or two later, so many women would be home raising their children fascinates me. Not only are so many of us staying home, but many are doing things our own bra-burning mothers might consider a step backwards and are actually homeschooling, knitting, canning, making our own cleaning supplies, and baking our own bread. Is today's mother ruining everything our grandmothers fought for, or is she actually starting some sort of new revolution?

I read this really interesting article in this weekend's Washington Post in which the author asks if today's new domesticity is fun, empowering or a step back for American women. She brings up some really interesting ideas:

"You could say these women are simply homemakers searching for a purpose beyond driving carpool. As work-life balance scholar Joan Williams tells me, extreme domesticity can be a refuge for educated women who’ve left the workforce: “You’ve been trained your entire life in a high-pressure, high-achievement atmosphere, and you need somewhere to put that,” she says. “So you turn your household into an arena for dazzling performance."

But these extreme DIY-ers are also voicing a fear and frustration that resonates with anyone who worries about salmonella-tainted eggs or BPA in their kid’s sippy cup. Which is to say, most of us. Their domesticity can be seen as an effort to repair on an individual level what isn’t being fixed at a governmental or societal one."

As much as I don't trust supermarket labels,
I can't see myself as a
raise-chickens-in-my-backyard kind of girl.

Obviously, it's not only stay at home mothers who have embraced this do it yourself culture. I'm sure there are plenty of mothers who work outside of the home who strap on an apron when they get back from the office and churn their own butter. Well, maybe not...but you know what I mean. But I do wonder have we placed yet another layer of pressure on ourselves? Do women now also have the stress of feeling that if they don't collect the eggs from the chickens raised in their own backyard or cook every meal from scratch that they have fallen even farther from being the perfect homemaker? Or do women feel empowered, as the WP article suggests, by being able to do all of this themselves?

Do you do many of the DIY things mentioned in this article? Or are you the type of mother who is just grateful you can call in for a pizza at the end of a long day? Do you feel liberated by not having to grow your own food or does that kind of connection with nature and providing for your family sound appealing? Does all of this old-fashioned domesticity sound like a fun respite from today's high tech world to you? Or do you think that, as the author wonders, these quaint hobbies may one day become our daughter's burdensome chores? Leave a comment below, I'd love to know your thoughts!

Thanks for reading,
-Gina
The Twin Coach

5 Ways To Excite Your Kids About Fruits And Veggies

2011-11-17T13:52:00.001-08:00

Our daughter, at 6-months old, enjoying her beets!
She didn't eat them again for 4 more years

When my children were much younger, they ate a wide variety of foods. Friends marveled as they chowed down lentil soup or grilled salmon. I patted myself on the back for their choices of fruit or yogurt as a dessert. However, as they've grown older, they have winnowed away just about everything. My son eats almost no proteins now except eggs and chicken nuggets. My daughter eats almost no vegetables except peas. While they still do eat a lot of fruit and yogurt, the whines at dessert time when I don't have something chocolate are beyond annoying. I'm not worried, as they are both healthy and growing, but I do want them to develop good eating habits!

Recently I got into a conversation with Kia Robertson who runs a site called Today I Ate A Rainbow and happened to mention the trouble I was having getting my kids to eat a variety of foods. Kia very generously offered to send me her Rainbow Kit and we have been using it for a week now. Wow!

Kia's daughter, Hannah, shows off how
the rainbow chart works

My children were immediately intrigued by Kia's interactive magnetic chart. Once they realized that they could move the magnetic shapes each time they ate a fruit or vegetable in the corresponding color to earn a rainbow magnet, they couldn't move fast enough. The first night my daughter ate all her colors except orange and actually begged to eat a carrot so she could complete her rainbow! My son requested avocado at dinner to make sure he got in his green that day!

In addition to the Rainbow Kit, Kia has a great children's book, with lovely illustrations, called The Rainbow Bunch. This rhyming book was written for young children between the ages of 2 and 5 yrs old. It is a great tool to open up communication about the importance of eating a rainbow of fruits and vegetables everyday - my kids have asked to read it numerous time since it arrived.

The complete Rainbow Kit including the book
"The Rainbow Bunch".

Keeping Kids Interested:
So, it's been a week, but will the kids stay interested? Kia and I talked about ways to keep up the enthusiasm as time goes by.

Set a weekly goal. After eating their rainbows Monday through Friday, let them pick a fun family activity on the weekend. It could be something like a favorite board game or book, or a physical activity like swimming or riding bikes. Whatever it is, your children get to choose!
Switch things up. One week you only get magnets for eating veggies, the next week only for eating fruit. Increase the amount that needs to be eaten to earn a magnet. Better yet, set the goal to get two rainbows a day!
Set a monthly challenge. Kia mentioned a family she worked with whose children only wanted to eat at McDonald's because they loved the Happy Meal toys. This family decided to forgo McDonald's for the month and challenge their girls to eat a rainbow every week for a month. Once they did that, they got to go to a toy store and buy a decent toy for a dollar amount the parents had decided on ahead of time. The family saved money (and their health) by not going out for fast food, the girls got a nice toy at the end of the month and realized that they actually enjoyed the good, healthy food.
Healthy Competition. If your kids can handle a little competition, see who can eat their rainbows first. In our house we try to lessen the competition between our kids and increase their sibling bond, so we set up a competition that pits the two of them against mom and dad. It works wonders. Now they feel like a team and as though they are able to do something mom and dad can't do!
Include the kids in shopping, preparing and choosing. Any time my children help prepare a meal, whether it's setting the table or helping chop something up, they are more invested in eating it. When you're at the market get your kids to help pick out things that fill your rainbow requirements. See if they'll try new food items just because they're the right color. Kia's Rainbow Kits include a color coded shopping list to make it easy. Get clear containers that are easily opened and put items such as edamame, yellow and red bell pepper slices, orange segments and blueberries in each one - let you children choose for themselves.

My children are now seeing that their meals
can consist of more than just the same 3 things they
always ask for!

What I really like about this kit is that Kia said once you have been using it steadily for a little while it just becomes second nature to eat, and shop for, a rainbow of fruits and vegetables. I've never been a fan of hiding veggies in my children's food as I do want them to know that they actually like yams or string beans! I've been so pleased with how this simple tool has actually encouraged my kids to eat not only better food, but a greater variety of foods. And they are now active participants in their health as opposed to just finishing their peas because I won't give them dessert unless they do! The Rainbow Kits happen to be on sale right now and you can get yours by going to Kia's site: Today I Ate A Rainbow.

This has been a great discovery for us. I'd love to hear some of your ideas. What tips do you have for encouraging your children to eat their fruits and vegetables? What are your favorite ways to prepare and serve fruits and vegetables? Do you think a Rainbow Kit would help in your house?

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

Although I received our Rainbow Kit as a gift, I was under no obligation to review it. I only write about products our family truly uses and loves. I hope you like this one as much as we do!

Labels Are For Clothes, Not For Children.

2011-11-12T10:06:00.001-08:00

A few months ago I began contributing to Citrus Lane's Parent Advisory Board and blog. I love Citrus Lane's mission to help make new parents feel more at ease with the amazing task they've signed up for. It's right up my alley. Last week I wrote a post for them about labeling which I wanted to share here as well (slightly expanded).

Comparing them only drives them apart.
Instead, focus on their individuality.

One of the first things I learned as a mother of twins is that people naturally want to label and compare things. With twins it’s often people’s way of figuring out who is who. “Kaitlin is the one who likes puppies and Pearle is the one who likes horses.” In part it’s people’s way of connecting and making conversation, so I don’t take offense. But I have always felt it important to gently correct and enlighten.

When my kids were little, my son was the type of child who needed to observe a situation before he proceeded, whereas our daughter would rush right in. Because they are the same age it was unavoidable that we would hear, “So, she’s the outgoing one and he’s the shy one!” When this sort of thing happens repeatedly, the children can begin to take on the roles assigned to them. My daughter could easily have become the child who felt she had to always help her brother make friends or speak up for himself. And my son could easily have begun to think of himself as shy and introverted when in actuality nothing could be further from the truth!

What’s The Harm?

Even a label we may think of as “positive” can have negative consequences. Imagine having to live up to the idea of being “the helpful one”.
Comparing siblings, especially twins, is a perfect way to amp up the sibling rivalry.
Children believe EVERYTHING we say. Be careful with the words you use. Negative labels can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

How Can I Avoid Comparing And Labeling?

As much as possible, contrast a label made by someone else by pointing out the broader picture: “Yes, right now he’s being a little timid, but you should have seen him climb those monkey bars yesterday!”
Make these responses in front of your children so that they begin to absorb the idea that their personalities are fluid and complex.
Compliment your child for something she has control over. Instead of telling her she’s smart, notice the hard work she puts into everything she does. Instead of telling her she’s pretty, compliment how kind she is to people.
Keep your comments about your twins focused. Avoid comparing one to the other when you compliment. “Thank you for clearing the table so quickly” doesn’t need to be followed up with “I don’t know why it takes your brother so long to do it!”
Remind friends and family that just because you have twins doesn’t mean they will hit milestones at the same time. One may be “the good eater” this week but before you know it, her sister will have caught up.

Of course you’re not going to ruin your children by telling them they’re beautiful or brilliant. Just be aware that your children are absorbing the comparing and labeling. Help them out by focusing on their individuality and getting to know their personalities in a deep and meaningful way. It will make a world of difference.

One of my daughter's pattern block creations.
Not bad for a 4-year old!

Most of us don’t think we’re labeling, but we do it all the time. And it's not just our children who feel the effects, we lose out as well. Labeling also limits our experience of others.

If I decided that my daughter was a "girly girl" based on the fact that for a period of time she loved to play mommy with her dolls, I would perhaps have missed the chance to see that she also loves to build and dig and climb, that she has an incredible gift for spatial relationships and can create amazing mosaic patterns, or that she has a brain that can craft that most well thought-out negotiations that my husband and I often joke she will one day use in her law career. Imagine if I limited how I saw her by only labeling her as "girly".

What do you think? Do you ever label your kids? Have you been labeled? What are your suggestions for handling this issue? Or maybe you don't think it's an issue at all. Leave a comment below, I'd love to know your thoughts.

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

Connection, Not Combat, Gets You What You Want

2011-11-09T13:00:00.000-08:00

image via Adam Tow

For the second time in a week the concept of using martial arts in the context of relationships was mentioned to me. Not as a way to fight, but as a way not to. So many of us push against that which we disagree with, getting louder and louder, upping the battle in an attempt to make the other side yield. In the end, there is no winner. How can there be a winner when both sides aren't happy with the outcome?

My father studied T'ai Chi for a number of years when I was younger, often embarrassing me greatly by practicing the slow, meditative movements in public. One of the methods he practiced was a style of self defense called "Sticky Hand" or "Pushing Hands". My husband, just before we were married, jokingly asked my father in an email to teach him this method as a way to help our marriage. Little did he realize how accurate his request was.

My husband wrote: "I have recently learned of your training and skill in the art of sticky hand, which I believe will be a useful tool in my marriage to your daughter. Perhaps we can retreat to some remote mountain location where you can pass on your knowledge of this most venerated art."

To which my father replied:

"Well, here's a verbal description: It's essentially the art of yielding, granting one's partner the full latitude of their push -- which has a natural limit, so doesn't need to be blocked with a counter-push -- and all the while staying lightly, sensitively in touch. Basically it transforms combat into love."

I've been thinking about this idea for the last few days. It makes complete sense. The more you push against something (or someone), the more you are met with resistance and defense. But to allow the other person the full range of their emotion, to meet them where they are at and stay connected can only result in those emotions being alleviated. If you don't push back with aggression, there is nothing for the other party to rail against.

I love this description of students learning Pushing Hands when I frame it in the context of a power struggle with my children or my husband:

"These exchanges are characterized as 'question and answer' sessions between training partners; the person pushing is asking a question, the person receiving the push answers with their response. The answers should be "soft," without resistance or stiffness. The students hope to learn to not fight back when pushed nor retreat before anticipated force, but rather to allow the strength and direction of the push to determine their answer. The intent thereby is for the students to condition themselves and their reflexes to the point that they can meet an incoming force in softness, move with it until they determine its intent and then allow it to exhaust itself or redirect it into a harmless direction. The degree to which students maintain their balance while observing these requirements determines the appropriateness of their 'answers.' "

Connection, not combat, allows both parties
to feel heard and understood.

When I allow my children to be angry or frustrated without having a rigid response to those expressions, and am open to trying to understand where they are going with their emotions, I am able to stay connected to them. When I am connected that way, there is no struggle and they do not feel the need to battle me. In this way of thinking, I remember that there is no need to control my children (or my husband) to get what I want. We all are able to express ourselves fully, we all feel heard and understood, and ultimately, we all win.

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

2011-11-01T11:58:00.000-07:00

No matter how much they love one another, too much time
together makes them sick of each other!

As a mother of twins, one of the things I spend a good deal of time focusing on is how much alone time each of our children is getting. This isn't something only parents of twins deal with, although in a number of ways it's more intense when you have twins.

When I had a full time nanny, it was pretty easy to split the kids up and get one on one time with them. But these days my help is sporadic and I have started working a lot more than I used to, so the kids have been spending day after day together without a break. It's beginning to wear on them.

No matter how much you love someone, you need time apart to remember how wonderful it is when you are together! I've had a lot of guilt over how much I have been working lately and the fact that my kids are taking out some of their frustration on each other isn't helping matters. This weekend I had some time to think about all of this and begin to make some changes.

Our children shared a womb. Then they shared a crib for 5 months. They shared meals, their bedroom, their toys (for the most part). They share a classroom, play dates, and birthdays. They often have to share the attention of mommy or daddy. Of course, we do our best to make everything as individualized and special for each of them as we can. And, until lately, my husband and I have been great at giving them time alone with each of us. But when our preschool director pointed out that she had noticed how sick of each other our kids are getting, I realized I had been slacking.

My daughter's side of the room. I can
only imagine the clutter when she's a teenager.

My sitter situation doesn't look like it's changing any time soon and since my husband's heart attack last year I have been trying to give him more down time on weekends, so even doing one on one time then has been challenging. But, I realized this weekend that we have one idea at our disposal that might make a huge difference for our kids: it might be time to give them each their own room.

Now, this is not as easy as it sounds. I am a little sad at the idea of them no longer sharing a room. Intellectually I know that it will be good for them (and as they are brother and sister, it would inevitably happen at some point) But emotionally it is harder than I thought. I love the way they talk to each other at night, flashlights in hand. I love standing outside their door listening to them play "camp", with one sleeping under the bed in the "bottom bunk" and the other sleeping above. I love the room itself, only put together a year and a half ago...soft green, orange and white. Giving them each their own room means losing our playroom/guest room. Where do all those toys go now? Where do my parents stay when they visit? There's even a part of me that hangs on to that fantasy that sharing a room makes their bond tighter. But, does it?

Did you know that if you Google "rainbow unicorn"
there are more than 1.5 million images?

Every time I had asked my children previously if they wanted their own room they emphatically said "no"! This weekend I broached the subject again and was met with enthusiastic yeses. So, I guess I need to move forward. My daughter wants a gold room with rainbow unicorns and princesses. Yikes. My son is all over the place with themes: pirates, dinosaurs, volcanos exploding lava. Coupled with his favorite color, orange, I'm not picturing the most relaxing of rooms.

They're growing up and becoming more and more the unique individuals they are meant to be. I know it's what I want, and yet now that it's happening, it's harder than I expected for me to let go.

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

Photo Contest And Family Photo Shoot Giveaway!

2011-10-27T21:44:00.000-07:00

My kiddos having a great time with Jan.

I don't know about you, but I find it next to impossible to get a photo of our whole family together, let alone one with both my kids where no one is making a face or picking their nose. My kids are 4 1/2 so they tend to get fussy, lose focus and generally make getting more than one or two pictures really difficult. So, this year I decided to be a little smarter about it and hire a professional. After asking around, a few friends recommended Jan Birch Photography. I was so thrilled with the way my children responded to Jan, and so pleased with the resulting photos, that I felt I had to recommend her to friends. But then, Jan also offered to do a wonderful giveaway for my readers valued at $1000 so although I rarely write posts that are just for LA locals, I knew I had to post here for all of you who live in the greater Los Angeles area!

My daughter giving a real smile instead of
her fake "princess" smile. A miracle!

Jan spent 10 years in the film industry before becoming a family photographer. She'll shoot pretty much anywhere: your home, a park, the beach, and knows how to make the best of all of them. Because Jan is a mother herself, and used to do children's theater, she truly knows how to bring out the best in your kids. Mine were laughing themselves silly and still talk about how much fun they had with her.

I'm sure you're thinking "yeah, yeah...what about the contest and the $1000 giveaway?" OK. Jan is offering a 1 1/2 hour photo shoot (sorry, no weddings or events), plus the disk with all retouched digital images from the shoot. Additionally, she creates a customized slideshow of her favorite images from the shoot set to music with your own URL to share with friends and family. This package normally sells for $1000.

Our son, perfectly captured by Jan: shy, mischievous and sweet

So, here's how you can win!

We want to see a photo of your child that you feel completely captures his or her personality.
Go to Jan's website: JanBirch.com to check out her style.
Click on "call me" and then her email address to send her your photo entry (one per family please). Just put "The Twin Coach Giveaway" in the subject line. All photos must be submitted by November 5th at midnight PST.
I will post Jan's top 3 picks on my Facebook page on November 7th for you to help choose the winning photo!
The winner will be announced November 9th at noon on my Facebook page.

More Ways To Get In On The Action
If you happen to write a family oriented blog based in Los Angeles, Jan has offered to extend this giveaway to include you. If you post this giveaway on your blog and/or Facebook fan page and leave a comment here with the link, she'll offer you 50% off her sitting fee (normally $325) when you book a session with her.

So, what do you think? Would you like to get some great photos for your albums or holiday cards? Send in your photos to enter the contest and leave a comment below to let me know you did!

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

Brain Science That Will Blow Your Mind

2011-10-23T21:22:00.000-07:00

12 Revolutionary Strategies To Nurture
Your Child's Developing Mind

Last weekend I was thrilled to attend a lecture given by Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. discussing their new book The Whole-Brain Child. I attended two previous lectures given by Dan and Tina a few months ago and wrote about them in the posts Compassionate, Resilient Children Begin In The Mind and A Little Brain Science Can Help Us Raise Children Who Thrive. The work that is presented in this book is one of the most exciting things I've come across since becoming a parent.

In part, my excitement stems from seeing that science is finally proving what those of us interested in the metaphysical have intuited for so many years: that the integration of mind, body and spirit is imperative for optimal health. But beyond that, I am excited by the prospect of a book that helps families not by simply giving parents band-aid solutions, but by offering revolutionary insight into why our children behave the way they do, why what we're doing may not be working and giving us simple, effective strategies for what to do next!

Dr. Dan Siegel is the author of many books
including the wonderful "Parenting From The Inside Out"

Integration Is Health
The lecture I attended was a chance to listen to Drs Siegel and Bryson explain the concepts behind their book. Dr. Siegel began by describing integration as "separate things working together as a functional whole". Without integration, he said, there is chaos, rigidity and disturbances in well-being. But when there is integration, we see things are flexible, adaptive, coherent, energized and stable. This way of being, Dr. Siegel said, is a good definition of mental health and a great goal for our children. As he continued to speak on the subject we learned that certain relational experiences (such as abuse and neglect) can damage integrative fibers in the brain, but integrative communication actually stimulates the growth of these same brain fibers. This book, they propose, offers 12 strategies that will help us move from chaos, anxiety and rigidity to a state of integration.

I'm going to pass on some of what I learned about the first 4 strategies:

Connect and Redirect: Surfing Emotional Waves
Name It to Tame It: Telling Stories to Calm Big Emotions
Engage, Don't Enrage: Appealing to the Upstairs Brain
Use It or Lose It: Exercising the Upstairs Brain

Left Brain Emotional Desert Vs. Right Brain Emotional Tsunami
Dr. Bryson continued with an explanation of what goes on in each hemisphere of our brain. She refers to the left brain as being an emotional desert because it specializes in non-emotional things:

Logical
Literal
Linear
Linguistics

The right side can be an emotional tsunami because it specializes in:

Non-verbal communication
Whole picture context
Autobiographical memory
Senses emotions
Random
Senses body information

Remembering that during your child's first 3 - 5 years of life, his behavior is dominated by right brain functions can help you understand why he often seems to act in completely illogical ways! We cannot expect our child to be able to communicate logically with us when their right brain is flooded. But they can communicate in a non-verbal way. We just need to pay attention to their:

Eye contact
Facial expression
Tone of voice
Posture
Gestures
Timing
Intensity of response

Is this child in a state where you could
rationalize with her?

Connect Before Your Redirect

When we can be aware that our child is acting from their right brain (having a massive meltdown) she likely is unable to connect to her left brain. Thus, you cannot help her by being logical (left brain) about what she perceives to be the end of the world. Instead, you must first meet her where she is at. By doing this you help integrate her left and right hemispheres.

This applies even when it's a "little t" tantrum as opposed to a "big T" tantrum (as Dr. Bryson refers to them). If you have a child who has left his bedroom after lights out to complain to you about something that seems to you totally nonsensical, you may simply want to tell him "it's late, you're tired, go back to sleep and we'll talk about this tomorrow". By doing this, you can miss the opportunity to move your child back to integration. Instead, connect first with your right brain and use non-verbal comfort:

Touch
Tone of voice
Facial expression
Empathy
Pausing until you become aware of your child's state shifting

Then redirect with your left brain:

Offer solutions and problem solving
Use words
Planning
Logical explanations
Set boundaries

The problem we parents have is that we often get defensive, we interpret things literally and we miss the context of what our children are saying (that is, the meaning between the lines). This can be a missed opportunity to develop secure attachments with your children, a missed opportunity to help them feel "felt".

Telling the story of what happened helps the child
process and work through big emotions.

Studies Show...
When you don't manage to respond well to your child, make sure you talk about what happened later when you're both calm. Use reflective dialogue to relate back to them what happened. "You were so angry before and mommy just couldn't understand what you needed. When you threw your toy at me I got very frustrated and lost my patience. I am so sorry." Studies show this type of work allows children to understand more fully how their own feelings affect them, it gives them more developed memory and a rich inner life so they have a deeper understanding of others. And perhaps most important to understand is that it helps integrate their left and right hemispheres.

Talking to your children about the mind and what happens in moments of crisis turn those moments into learning experiences. Many of us do this because we look at it as practice for our children in how to handle setbacks, but what we may not be realizing is that doing this actually builds neuronal fibers in the brain. We are literally helping our child make "connections". The more these skills are learned before adolescence, the easier the teen years will be. In fact, Dr. Siegel believes this work is so important that he suggested (only half jokingly) that we forget the old idea of the 3 R's and instead focus on Reflection, honoring Relationships and Resilience.

How to Handle Things When Your Child Is Acting Out
Did you know that one's prefrontal cortex does not fully develop until age 25? This is the part of the brain that aids in decision making, empathy, impulse control, personal insight, rational problem solving and more. It's no wonder we have so many difficulties with our children involving these issues!

What we need to begin to recognize is that there are so many reasons our children act out. Some are more obvious than others:

Low blood sugar (triggers stress hormones)
The need for stimulation (children actually experience this as discomfort)
Communicating a need
Picking up on our own stress/frustration
Growth spurt
Tired/sick
Experimenting/testing
Expressing/releasing big feelings
Brain development
Downstairs hijack (their lower, reptilian brain takes over their more rational brain)

Big tantrums and meltdowns are actually a call for us to hear that what our child is actually saying in that moment is "I need skill building in this area!"

Tina Payne Bryson is, among many other things,
Director of Parenting Education and Development
for the Mindsight Institute.

In these moments of difficulty, ask yourself which part of your child's brain you want to appeal to. The most important question to aks yourself is "what is the lesson I want taught here? What is the most compassionate, empathetic way I can do it?" If you simply command and demand things, you are likely going to engage your child's downstairs (or reptilian) brain and end up in a power struggle. Instead, you could give your child an opportunity to develop their upstairs brain:

offer choices or negotiate
Empathize, give insight, ask questions
Give your child practice doing things the right way
Don't remove life's obstacle (allowing them to fail helps them develop resiliency)
Provide secure relationships

There is obviously so much more in The Whole-Brain Child and after the lecture I said to the friends who had gone with me that I could have sat there all day and listened to Dan and Tina speak. Each chapter takes you a little deeper into understanding how the mind works. One of the things I loved most that we learned was that the more you use the methods outlined in this book, the more your brain (and your child’s brain) changes and adapts until this integrated way of being simply becomes who you are!

The beauty of a book like this is that it helps parents not only enhance the lives of our own children, but because our children then have such a rich awareness of themselves and their emotions, they in turn impact the lives of those around them in an ever-expanding wave of integration. "There's nothing more important you can do as a parent than to be intentional about the way you're shaping your child's mind,” the authors write toward the end of the book. “What you do matters profoundly."

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

Pledge To Build Your Daughter's Self-Esteem

2011-10-17T21:34:00.000-07:00

Does your daughter believe that real beauty comes
in all shapes, colors and sizes?

You probably have heard of Dove's Campaign For Real Beauty. Based on the findings of a global study, Dove launched its wildly successful advertising campaign in 2004 that "started a global conversation about the need for a wider definition of beauty after the study proved the hypothesis that the definition of beauty had become limiting and unattainable."

In 2011, Dove released the findings of its largest global study to date on women’s relationship with beauty—The Real Truth About Beauty: Revisited. The study revealed that only 4% of women around the world consider themselves beautiful, and that anxiety about looks begins at an early age. In a study of over 1,200 10-to-17-year-olds, a majority of girls, 72%, said they felt tremendous pressure to be beautiful. The study also found that only 11% of girls around the world feel comfortable using the word beautiful to describe their looks, showing that there is a universal increase in beauty pressure and a decrease in girls' confidence as they grow older. Though Dove's efforts have moved the needle in a positive direction, there is more to be done.

Modeling the type of attitudes we want our
girls to possess is the best way to help them
achieve those character traits.

And that's why I'm writing today. Dove is planning a Self-Esteem Weekend this coming weekend October 21st - 23rd. I know you all spend plenty of time with the girls in your life teaching them that it's who they are and not what they look like that's important. I know you probably spend lots of time encouraging your girls to be strong, powerful, independent and brave. I'm sure you even remind your daughters, nieces and cousins that girls can be scientists, fight fires and even climb mountains. But what I'm asking you to do is to take a look at the Dove Pledge Map and commit an hour to focusing on a self-esteem building activity with a girl in your life during the weekend of October 21st-23rd. Parents lead by example, and pledging to spend an hour with a specific focus is an easy way to help foster positive self-image and confidence in the next generation of women.

Need some ideas? Here are some cool ones from their website:

How will you help give your daughter
a strong self-image?

Have your girls take a photo of themselves in a thinking pose, print out the photo. Also have them cut out a piece of white paper like a thought bubble! Using markers, cut-outs from magazines, or printed letters with colorful fun fonts, spell out the word, ‘’B-E-A-U-T-Y’’ vertically down the thought bubble. Have the girls create an acronym for the word, "Beauty.’’ They can use a sentence or a word such as, B is for Believing in Yourself and E is for Excellent Attitude. Glue the thought bubble and photo on a piece of larger, colorful paper and it becomes a poster/reminder of what is beautiful to each girl.
Mutually Complement one another. Share five things you like about one another and five things you each like about yourself. Focus on physicality, personality and character trait.
Send a girl in your life out with confident reminders by making a Boost Book: Decorate a notebook or sketchpad together and keep a log of inspiring quotations, compliments and positive comments other people have made about the girl in your life. Tuck in a few favorite photos or mementos that remind her of moments when she felt confident and beautiful or just had a great time.
Create an Inspiration Board together by collecting articles, magazine tear-outs and news clippings that represent issues surrounding self-esteem. Create a collage of positive messages and images, and keep it in a visible place as both an inspiration board and a reminder of how individuality makes everyone beautiful
There are tons of great activities and ideas for ways to spend this weekend (and any special time) with your daughters on this toolkit and resource page. I know the tags say they are for girls ages 8 and up, but really, I believe you can do many of the activities with your little ones. I think it's never too early to let our girls know how awesome they are...just as they are.

And speaking of awesome, here a few terrific websites whose content can help us all raise strong, confident girls who believe in themselves no matter what:

Pigtail Pals by the very kickass Melissa Wardy who is dedicated to "changing the way we think about girls".
Parenting Pink great articles on raising strong girls
7Wonderlicious (and their blog, Empowering Girls)
You'd Be So Pretty If great body image advice for mothers
Commercial Free Childhood Reclaiming Childhood From Corporate Marketers is their slogan
Parent Girls a blog by Nancy Gruver, creator of New Moon Girls

I'd love to hear about who inspires your self-confidence. Tell us what you do with the girls in your life to help them know how special they are. And tell us if you plan to take the pledge this weekend and how you'll spend that hour!

Thanks for reading,
-Gina
The Twin Coach

I was not compensated in any way by Dove for this post. I just believe strongly in the value of this message and in our collective power to make a positive change for our daughters.

It's Easy To Be Thankful For The Good Things

2011-10-08T16:33:00.000-07:00

“You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you.” — Sarah Ban Breathnach

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.” — Thornton Wilder

I'm starting to feel that this is what I
look like most of the time.

I had a particularly tough day with my children yesterday. It started out well, but ended up with me being really frustrated, angry and feeling completely and totally taken for granted. I sat down to write a post which quickly became a long list of everything I do in a single day that no one gives me thanks for. Thankfully I didn't publish it because upon re-reading it I realized it was simply a long litany of complaints.

And then I felt guilty. How can I complain about my life? Of course there are days that are really hard and I feel pushed to the limit. There are days when I feel massive disappointment. There are days when I don't know how I am going to get through the next 10 minutes let alone the next few hours. There are days when I am mean and grumpy and selfish and self-sabotaging. But in between those moments there are spaces (and sometimes long stretches) when I have clarity. That clarity usually takes the form of noticing wonderful parts of my life. So yes, I am able to get out of my way and be thankful for all that is good in my life. But what about the things that aren't so good? I wondered to myself: can I be thankful for those things as well?

Were I able to be thankful for everything I experience, even those things one might automatically label as "bad", how much happier would I be? I came across this poem today. It shook me out of my bah humbug mood.

Be Thankful

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire,

If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don’t know something

For it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.

During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations

Because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge

Because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes

They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and weary

Because it means you’ve made a difference.

It is easy to be thankful for the good things.

A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are

also thankful for the setbacks.

GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive.

Find a way to be thankful for your troubles

and they can become your blessings.

~ Author Unknown

When I'm in that grumpy state, I tend to get caught up in feeling that my children are not being thankful for all I do or all they have. I often wonder how I can best model gratitude for them. This poem was a real wake up call for me. Of course I don't want things to be difficult, but we all know that it is through overcoming difficulty that we have our biggest emotional and spiritual growth. I have never learned as much about myself and what I was made of than surviving the end of my first marriage. I look back at that dismal time as the greatest blessing I was ever given.

Byron Katie, founder of The Work.
It keeps coming back into my life.
Perhaps I need to pay attention.

So what is the difference, for example, in seeing my children whining and fighting as a nuisance or as something to be thankful for? The answer is simply: my thoughts. Well, simple, but not so simple. I think I truly believe that their fighting is something that needs to stop. And because I can't make it stop, I am unhappy. While I was stewing on this, I recalled something I was interested in a number of years ago called The Work.

"I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, but that when I didn't believe them, I didn't suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that. I found that suffering is optional. I found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a single moment. That joy is in everyone, always." — Byron Katie

Like a brick hitting my head, I realized what believing my own thoughts was creating and I saw how I was judging my children. As I began to fill out Katie's worksheets in my mind, I started to see how I behave exactly as I think my children do: I don't listen, I am disrespectful, I am only concerned with what I want and not what they want. There is so much more work for me to do on this matter, but now instead of being angry about my children's behavior I am sitting here thankful for the struggles we have. Without it, I wouldn't have such a rich opportunity to improve my parenting, my character, my connection with my children and my understanding of myself. This is going to get interesting.

Thank you for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

Does Disney Really Understand Children?

2011-10-03T11:57:00.000-07:00

It looks pretty happy-go-lucky, doesn't it?

Last year I was very excited to take my children to see Disney's movie "Tangled". My son and daughter were almost 4 and it was to be their first time seeing a movie in the movie theater. Five minutes into it, my son was running for the door. Yes, it's true, at the time they didn't watch much television, but now that they're a bit older, they do watch a small variety of shows. However, nothing they watch would prepare me for my stupid decision to take them to see the re-release of Disney's "The Lion King" this weekend.

The original movie came out in 1994, which I tell you to help you understand why I had no recollection of how dark and disturbing this movie is. Yeah, yeah, Circle of Life and Hakuna Matata not withstanding, this movie is about a conniving uncle who successfully plots to kill a child's father, makes the child think it's his fault and then takes over the father's kingdom. My 4 1/2-year olds are not ready for Shakespeare.

This isn't a review of "The Lion King" (which for some assine reason was re-released in 3-D), but rather a repeated reminder that there is so much so-called entertainment that is not appropriate for the children it is marketed to. Technically, a G rating means "all ages". There were kids younger than mine in the theater yesterday; there was also a lot of hysterical crying and parents carrying their kids out as Simba frantically ran from a charging herd of wildebeests.

The subtleties of characters' behaviors are lost
on Disney's youngest viewers. But it doesn't mean the
negative emotions don't get felt.

When "Tangled" was out, my friends and I discussed the problem of trying to explain to children the issue of characters who are not wholly "good" and not wholly "bad". Children tend to see the world in those black and white ways. The notion that someone could be your mother (as Mother Gothel was pretending to be to Rapunzel) and be saying nice words but also be mean and conniving toward her daughter is beyond a 4-year old's comprehension. And should I have to explain that this is the way some adults behave?

In "The Lion King", Simba's uncle, Scar, is all sneering sarcasm (totally lost on children and completely confusing) and ominous snarls. Children can pick up on the tone and the look of a scene, they know something bad is happening, but they are completely baffled by it. If a child can't understand the feelings they are having, how can we expect them to process them? It is not surprising to me that children act out behavior they witness in movies. I know this movie is 17 years old, but it saddens me to realize that parents (me included) still go in droves to films without having a real understanding of what their children are about to see.

I'm not quite sure why I ignored my own advice to check out some parent reviews before seeing this movie. I, once again, got caught up in my own excitement about sharing something special with my children without fully researching it. But why should I have to do that every time I want to watch a movie with them? The MPAA defines a G rating thusly:

"A G-rated motion picture contains nothing in theme, language, nudity, sex, violence or other matters that, in the view of the Rating Board, would offend parents whose younger children view the motion picture. The G rating is not a "certificate of approval," nor does it signify a "children’s" motion picture. Some snippets of language may go beyond polite conversation but they are common everyday expressions. No stronger words are present in G-rated motion pictures. Depictions of violence are minimal. No nudity, sex scenes or drug use are present in the motion picture."

Common Sense Media is a fantastic source for
detailed movie reviews that focus on subjects
parents want to know most.

I can't be the only one who is surprised by the notion that this movie would be considered not to have themes that "would offend parents whose younger children view the motion picture" and that the "depictions of violence are minimal". Am I crazy? I'm sure the term "offends" is intended to encompass cursing or sexuality, but personally I am offended that my children were scared out of their minds!

If you look at the parent reviews on Common Sense Media you may be struck by the fact that every adult who reviewed it said that it's way too scary and/or inappropriate for children. Why is that information not made more obvious to the movie-going public who shelled out almost 12 million dollars in the last few days to see this movie?

"Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase
Hakuna Matata! Ain't no passing craze
It means no worries for the rest of your days"

I don't know about you, but my children had a few worries after seeing "The Lion King". And I know it's not just this particular film but many of the ones marketed toward children. What are your thoughts about movies for children these days? Are they better today than they used to be? Are your children affected by the violence, bullying, and negative behavior? Leave a comment below, I'd love to know your thoughts!

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

Who Do You Love More?

2011-09-26T22:10:00.000-07:00

Photo-Illustration by Andrew Eccles for TIME

I've written previously about my difficulty bonding with my daughter when our twins were first born and at the time I struggled with feeling as though this meant I loved my son more than my daughter. Those of us who are raising siblings, or who are siblings ourselves, often fear that one day we will hear our children say the dreaded words: "mom always liked you best".

The cover story on this week's Time Magazine is titled "Why Mom Liked You Best: The Science of Favoritism". In it, the author, Jeffrey Kluger declares that ALL parents have favorites. He goes on to declare that it's biologically wired in us to feel this way.

Lisa Belkin from the NY Times took exception to Mr. Kluger's article writing the following in today's post:

"It’s easy to take sides and announce “I love my children equally” or confess “I think I love one more.” What’s hard is accepting that relationships are fluid, determined by the ever-changing variables that make a child (and a parent) who they are at any given moment. Those ups and downs, imbalances and inequities, are not something to overcome, but rather realities to be accepted. We treat them differently because they ARE different. Navigating that reality is the key to being a parent."

I couldn't agree more. All relationships are fluid, they change as we learn about ourselves and the people we are in relationship with. As my children have gotten older and I have gotten to know each of them better, I know that I have great love for both of them. I also know that at times I connect more easily to one over the other. To me this is the crux of the matter. It has nothing to do with loving one more than the other, or one being my favorite, it's just that children (like anyone you meet) have distinct personalities and sometimes that personality meshes easily with yours and other times it doesn't.

There seems to me to be nothing
as complicated as the sibling relationship

Even though I don't have the same disconnect from my daughter as I did when she was first born, I do have many more difficulties with her than with my son all of which I worry about and write about often. She pushes my buttons in a way that causes me to lose my temper with her often. Our son, on the other hand has a way of speaking or looking at me that makes me want to rush to take care of him. It drives me insane that I have these disparate reactions to both of them. But never did it hit home as hard how much my reactions affect them than one morning when my daughter was making me particularly crazy in the car and as I got them out of their car seats she wailed at me, "Why do you talk nicer to him than to me?"

I just about died of shame.

I do believe there are parents who absolutely have favorites and don't do much to hide it. I do believe that there are parents who unconsciously prefer one child over another or think their preference isn't apparent to anyone but them. I believe these scenarios do happen in families with a certain degree of dysfunction or in families where the parents are less conscious of their own psychological motivation for playing favorites. I do think that most parents have moments (sometimes long moments) where they get along better with one child than the other, but they are aware that it's happening and do their best to balance their affection. But even in the worst case scenarios, I think most of our behavior is psychologically motivated and can thus be changed.

5 Ways To Avoid Playing Favorites:

Be Aware. Being aware of your own feelings and family history is the first step to stopping any imbalance in affection. Consciously consider why you react to one child differently. Is it that one is so similar to you that you just understand him better? Does one remind you of your mother-in-law who you despise? Tune in to your own emotions and triggers - what memories does your child bring up when you're with her? Give some serious thought to your own childhood; were you the favorite? Were you not? How did that feel to you and are you repeating it or trying to fix it?
Don't Compare, Don't Label. It is human nature to do these two things. We naturally look at two similar things, compare and contrast them and then label them: "My son listens to me while my daughter is always throwing a tantrum; he is such a cooperative boy. She is so difficult". It is amazing how this brief thought pattern actually changes the way we respond to our children. Instead, try looking at "the difficult one" and say "my daughter is having a really hard time right now, she needs my help". That simple shift creates an entirely different reaction to a child you had previously labeled "difficult". Strangely enough, it is equally bad to be labeled with what we would consider a positive attribute. It's just as hard to live up to being "the helpful one" as it is to live down being "the moody one". Resist comparing your siblings. Avoid labeling them. No one is helpful all the time. Nor is anyone difficult all the time.
Build The Bond. Even with best intentions, children may occasionally feel that you prefer one over the other. Encouraging a strong bond between siblings can set them up with a deep, underlying love for each other that will allow them to work through any feelings of favoritism. I've written about bond building more extensively in a post called Best Friends, Or Just Brother And Sister?
One On One Time. Spending time alone with each of your children, even if it's only short intervals on a consistent basis, will go a long way to making each of them feel they have a special connection with you. It's also your best chance to get to know each of your children in a deep and intimate way.
Find Common Ground. If you are aware that you find it easier to be with one child than they other, this should be your signal that it is the one you feel the disconnect from who needs more time with you. Take the time to learn about the things that child is really into. It doesn't matter if you ever really develop a love for those interests, it's the effort spent trying to get to know your child and showing that he is worth the time, that will mean so much. With persistence, your relationship with that child will begin to show signs of ease.

I am not suggesting that we love our children all the same. But I do not believe it's inevitable that we love one more than another. What is key to this distinction is to love and accept that which makes each of our children so unique. "To be loved equally is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely - for one's own special self - is to be loved as much as we need to be loved." - Siblings Without Rivalry

Thanks for reading!

-Gina

The Twin Coach

The Twin Coach is nominated by Red Tricycle for Best Local Blog and I would love your vote. It only takes a second and all you have to do is click here!

The Great Parenting Show

2011-09-20T21:58:00.000-07:00

A new teleseminar series began today called the Great Parenting Show. I heard the first parenting expert interviewed and I'm really excited to let my readers know about this free program.

This program promises to offer answers to parenting issues many of us have including:

How to discipline your children without ruining their self-esteem
How to put nutritious meals on the table without it taking up so much time
How to protect your child from being bullied at school or online
How to raise your child’s emotional EQ raising happier more resilient children
How to overcome your own parenting issues so as not to raise children with hang-ups
How to raise your children to be financially aware

The organizer of this series, Jacqueline Green, has brought together top parenting experts and educators from all over the world to bring their information to parents, educators and care-takers in a series of lectures and interviews over the course of the next few months for FREE. Some of my absolute favorite parenting experts are taking part in this program including Dr. Laura Markham, Michele Borba, Sue Atkins and Susan Stiffleman.

Click here to register

Additional experts that are included in the line-up are notable speakers such as:

Mark Victor Hansen, coauthor of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series who will teach you how to raise financially successful kids
Lisa Nichols, star of The Secret, talking about how to motivate teens
Sonia Choquette, Hay House author who teaches you how to use the power of your intuition.
Marie Diamond, star of The Secret talking about Feng Shui, and how your environment can help you create a happy family
Shelly Lefkoe, who will be talking about how to get your children to cooperate WITHOUT destroying their self-esteem
Robert Holden, Hay House author and frequent Oprah guest on how to be happy
Dr. Bruce Lipton, best-selling author who will talks about the link between your parenting and your child’s biology and beliefs
Izzy Kalman, nationally recognized school psychologist on bully-proofing your child, made easy

The show began today, but each call is recorded and available for 48 hours for free. Because this program is free, there are limited spaces available. Replays will be available but you need to register to have access.

Click here to register

After you register, keep an eye out for Jacqueline's email with your details for listening in on the calls.

The series runs from Sept 20th thru Dec. 13th 2011 and the calls are held at 9am PT/ 11am CT/ 12pm ET. If you can't make the LIVE CALLS Every Tuesday & Thursday, don’t worry ... they've got you covered! The interviews will be recorded and will be available after each show for a limited time so you won't miss a thing. There are mp3s and transcripts available for sale, but it is not required.

I hope you can take advantage of this great series of speakers. This feels like such a great opportunity, especially for those who don't live in the cities where these experts work, or who can't afford the time or money to attend 24 parenting seminars!

Register here for The Great Parenting Show.

Thanks for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

What I Didn't Know

2011-09-19T14:59:00.000-07:00

My son at 2 weeks old was probably
more alert than I was.

I became a parent without much thought. By that I don't mean that I didn't go through an awful lot of effort to become pregnant, but rather that I didn't fully realize what I was getting myself into. I had some vague notions about passing on a love of reading and how I would talk to the kids about how babies were born and how I would forever continue to wear thong underwear. But what I hadn't considered is how becoming a parent would change my life.

"Becoming a parent may happen on purpose or by accident, but however it comes about, parenting itself is a calling. It calls us to recreate our world every day, to meet it freshly in every moment. Such a calling is in actuality nothing less than a rigorous spiritual discipline -- a quest to realize our truest, deepest nature as a human being. The very fact that we are a parent is continually asking us to find and express what is most nourishing, most loving, most wise and caring in ourselves, to be, as much as we can our best selves." ~ Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting

Yes, mom is still seeing way less than her kids.
I'm caught up in being polite, my daughter is being herself.

My drive to become a mother surprised most people who knew me because before my own children, I frankly didn't care much for kids. But now that I look back on that, I believe that was because children made me nervous. I didn't know what to do with them. They seemed to see right through me. And in many ways, I think children can really see through your facade. Somehow these tiny people knew that I didn't have it all together, that I didn't have the answers. But what I didn't realize what that not having all the answers was OK.

"Many of us come to parenting with a vision that we're supposed to be a couple of steps ahead of our kids. In truth, most of us are usually a few steps behind.[...] As parents, we're often asked to teach skills to children that we don't yet have ourselves. Our children draw on parts of us that are undeveloped, unpracticed, and, in some cases, damaged.

When your son and daughter are fighting with each other, you want them to learn to resolve their differences successfully, but you may have never learned to successfully work through conflicts yourself. Before you can teach your kids to listen, identify the problem, express their feelings, generate solutions, and find common ground, you have to learn those problem-solving skills yourself" ~ Becoming The Parent You Want To Be

I've had to look deep within myself to try and understand my reactions to my children. I've read countless books and blog posts, attended numerous workshops and sat through many, many therapy sessions just trying to learn as much as I can about what it means to be a parent. I didn't realize how seemingly inconsequential things in my childhood had become such a part of who I was as an adult. The pain of the past wasn't apparent until my son and daughter held a figurative mirror up and showed me.

"Your children give you the opportunity to grow and challenge you to examine issues left over from your own childhood. If you approach such challenges as a burden, parenting can become an unpleasant chore. If, on the other hand, you try to see these moments as learning opportunities, then you can continue to grow and develop. Having the attitude that you can learn throughout your life enables you to approach parenting with an open mind, as a journey of discovery" ~ Parenting From The Inside Out

Had you asked me a few years ago what my
definition of success was, it would have been
a completely different answer than it is today.

My life has been a journey that started out on a very straight path. From a very young age I knew what it was I wanted to do with my life. But life had a different plan. In retrospect I am so grateful for all the twists and turns that at one time seemed like devastating losses and monumental disappointments. My simple, if busy, life is exactly where I want to be. I just never knew that until I got here.

"Yet I know that if I really want to encourage my own two children to follow a course in life more purposeful than accumulating wealth, power and prestige, I must first acknowledge the value of such a life to myself. I need to show, by my own example, that the path to fulfillment has but little to do with mastery and conquest and much to do with coming to know oneself, finding pleasure in everyday events, doing work that matters, living in community with family and friends, being loved and loving in return." ~ The Gift Of An Ordinary Day

Thank you for reading!
-Gina
The Twin Coach

The Twin Coach is nominated by Red Tricycle for Best Local Blog and I would love your vote. It only takes a second and all you have to do is click here!

The Twin Coach

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A Reminder For Those Who Need It

Will Our Children Succeed In Spite Of Our Education System?

Feeling The Pressure To Be A Good Parent?

Discovering The Joy Of Reading (Plus A Giveaway)!

Who Is Teaching Whom?

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What I Didn't Know