Nonsense Things

Look who's joining the family...

2013-05-20T17:19:00.000-04:00

Well, it looks as if in a week or so these two little ladies will be joining our quirky family. James was sent (because the breeder's home was over an hour away and I have that car issue) to pick a new baby for the home since we lost Zazu. Apparently he couldn't pick just one. Okay, I'll admit that I had semi ~~begged~~ hinted that two new feathered lovies instead of one would be awesome sauce because I knew the breeder had two available. But I never thought in a million years that Jimmy would cave on his "No way. Only one. That's final" statement. Now he claims that was just a ruse and he planned on surprising me with two the whole time but I am not dumb, my friends. I know what happened. He saw these two snuggled together like that, all cuddled and what not and that man melted like butter on a hot sidewalk. He can lie all he wants..... surprise my rear end!

I wasn't going to hop right into getting a new Sun Conure. I felt horribly guilty. Like I was just replacing Zazu as if he didn't matter. I still feel that way a little but this house is so quiet. And Raine started asking a lot of questions and well, they normally live 30 years so it's not like I have forever to (hopefully) outlive these guys. Besides, looking forward to their homecoming has helped me perk up a bit.

Course, now I am super stressed about names. They need names! I was hoping for a boy and a girl and had already picked out (even IF Jimmy was saying "no" to two) Penelope and Picasso. But the breeder really thinks they are little girls. The only real way to tell is DNA testing but I don't want to stress them out with all of that so I will just go with it.

I may need to meet them and get an idea of their little personalities but so far I am loving Zoe, Phoebe, Olive, Cleo, and Lucy.

Any suggestions? And yes, I am acting as if I am bringing home human children. No judging ;)

Oh yeah, Mother's Day.

2013-05-16T14:47:00.000-04:00

We don't do much to celebrate these sorts of holidays really. When we woke up Sunday morning James leaned over, kissed me, and wished me a happy Mother's Day but that was pretty much the gist of it. It's not that I am technically against the acknowledgment it's just that I feel appreciated every day so I don't need a special day to be told that I am. Same goes for James. I'll make him a cute video of Raine or make him a card but no grand gestures or anything. It's just not our way.

I like to make my mom something though. Making her something just seems so cool in an old school I'm still in grade school making my mom something awesome sort of way. Besides, we usually gift her something earlier in the week because it's also her birthday. Again, we spoil her and show her we appreciate her quite a bit so I think (I hope) that the little things are enough.

This year I made her a prayer journal. She's been having a rough time of it and I thought it would be nice to have a place to write it out or write down her prayers. What are journals but paper blogs anyway? ;)

The rest of the day was just a typical lazy Sunday for us followed by dinner with my mom. We took Raine out to play with his new bubble machine. The kid is all about the bubbles. I snapped a few pictures of all the random things growing around the house. Gardening was looking foreboding earlier in the month but now that I see some of the things that are sprouting up that the previous owners planted I'm getting a little excited. It's like the secret garden up in this place. Tons of flowers, pear trees, and even strawberries. I'm jazzed about it!

We rounded out the day watching Raine watercolor. So nothing exciting or even interesting to report. In my life, that's likely a good thing ;)

James about to sneeze. Funniest picture ever.

What would I do without James?

2013-05-15T16:02:00.000-04:00

It took Jimmy all of five minutes to coax me out of a hypochondria induced crying jag after reading the story of Angelina Jolie's double mastectomy last night. Normally this is something I would wallow in tears and terror over for days. Sometimes weeks but he, in his all knowing wisdom (I'm serious. The guy knows everything. He's literally a genius....although there's some argument that maybe it's just a photographic memory...for another blog post) had already put in the research and was prepared for this potential little fit of mine. He usually drags me out of my fright with facts and gentile coaxing.

I've been fragile lately. It's no secret that something is off but I have no doubt that if he wasn't in my life that I would be in a far worse state. Probably drunk somewhere in an attempt to self medicate and obviously not doing it right. That's how it was before he came along. I was sort of a mess. Only "sort of" is freaking stating it mildly. But now I am okay in comparison.

It's with my own resolve that I'm able to pull myself up by my bootstraps but it sure makes life easier to have someone to steady myself against.

I cry at him sometimes. With claims that I'm tired of being "alone" in all of this or that I wish he was there for me more but that's just the pain talking. He's there for me plenty and he gets it way more than anyone ever has. Mostly because he's been there too. Some parts of "there" anyway.

I realize that I do a lot of poking fun at Jimmy on this blog and a lot of that comes from the fact that that's how life is for us. Jimmy is the butt of the joke because he sort of strives to be. He gets his kicks making people laugh and in many cases it's at his own expense. He's a bit of an attention whore if I'm being honest and even if that attention is mildly negative in that people are laughing at him it's still perfectly acceptable in his eyes.

But he's much more than the butt of the joke. I mean, obviously. Even with a high school picture like this:

Kind of hard to believe that guy right there, actually believed to be a potential serial killer by some of his peers, grew up to graduate law school and get his law degree and then his chemistry degree. That "serial killer" now also sings rather talented renditions of ABBA and Madonna songs when he Dj's karaoke. Actually, that's probably some serious stereotypical killer behavior if you think about it. Forget I mentioned it.

He also has some crazy musical talent but if the hair and the No Fear T shirt weren't a dead give away....well....

It's no mystery that I'm proud of my husband. I also want to punch him in the head a lot of times but the freaking jerk even makes that a laughable situation eventually.

What I am trying to say is that life hasn't been easy for me these last few weeks but without him, I'd be miserable. I worry sometimes that I don't tell him enough just how important he is to me. Just how proud I am of who he is. How proud I am that our son calls him "daddy". Actually sometimes in my pain I say the total opposite but even when I am taking it out on him he stands firm by my side......even if it's on the bathroom floor in a pool of tears.

Even those times.

For the record, I am feeling better. I am getting back into the groove of things and working out the issues that are potentially making me this psychological mess that I have been lately.

Today I feel good.

And to be fair (also to lighten the mood) I'll include some of my yearbook pictures too..... Jimmy wasn't the only one who was awkward and hilarious ;)

FYI, While I was able to get Jimmy's senior pic I had to settle for middle school yearbook photos of myself. I was home schooled through most of high school and it would have been a little awkward if my mom had posed me for "yearbook" pictures, don't you think?

Or not... what they heck, mom.

Conversations With The Toddler

2013-05-13T17:04:00.000-04:00

{We have Conversations With The Cuddler but lets be honest here, sometimes the kid is even funnier than the father..... In a whole less raunchy, yet terribly cute sort of way.}

For instance: We are listening to that new Bruno Mars song in the car on the way home from Raine's Memah's house and Bruno serenades....

"Hmmm too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers and held your hand"

Raine: Hand? What hands he saying?

James: you have two hands, Raine.

Raine: yeah, two hands. I guess.

Or this gem last week:

Raine: Mommy, poopys go to poopy land.

Also, Jimmy has taken to teaching him old school dance moves like the MC Hammer dance and the cabbage patch. I'm not sure what's funnier. That Raine actually does them or that he actually does them better than his teacher ;)

Come at me, Bro.

2013-05-10T15:07:00.000-04:00

They say that a crazy person wouldn't know that they are crazy. I call bullshit and figure it's a pretty lame excuse us crazy humans tell ourselves when we want to somehow convince our crazy asses that we are in fact, not stinkin crazy. But if you are honest with yourself, most times you can recognize crazy when you see or hear it. Even if it's coming out of your own head.

This has been a foul week. A foul week that has kicked me pretty far down and I am not sure I am fully back up yet or even how long it's going to take for me to do so. I could say it started when Zazu (my sun conure) died Wednesday night but I think if I am honest with myself I have been on a downward spiral for some time now.

Welcome to my nervous breakdown.

I recognize that's what this is now. And there is comfort in knowing that. I've been here before and I know how to fight this thing once it's recognized. I spent two days in bed crying but today feels a little milder now. Sometimes all it takes is a good two day ugly cry to fight it off but I know I have a little more work to do to be able to breath again.

I've had this demon by the throat for quite some time now. He may wiggle free from time to time but I always inevitably wrangle him back into a headlock eventually.

I am a warrior.

It makes me a little nervous, now that Raine is older, that he will see me like this occasionally. Wrestling with the demons in my head. But I have come to realize that it's not necessarily a bad thing for him to see his mother battle mental illness and win. He inspires me and I won't give up so all he'll ever really see is me taking life by the balls. Putting a smile on my face regardless of the occasional bullied spirit.

Yesterday he wasn't feeling well so we were both snuggled up in bed watching cartoons. He sees my tears and asks lots of questions which I make sure to always answer. I want him to know that no matter how bad I may feel sometimes that he is always welcome to come to me and talk about it. He seems to understand it. Way more than I did at his age.

It probably helps that Raine and his dad never have too much trouble coaxing a good hardy laugh out of me even on my worse days.

I am so lucky to have them. Almost like I was struggling all these years just to get to this point with them because now it is so much easier to battle this thing.

Love will do that though.

Rest easy, my beautiful boy.

Why you keep changing things?!

2013-05-06T14:38:00.001-04:00

You may have noticed that things look a little different around here.... yet again! I can't help myself, okay? Don't get me wrong, I LOVED my old layout which Michelle did for me like 6 months back (maybe longer?). That one looked like this if you don't recall:

I loved that layout so much in fact that I saved it just in case I wanted to go back to it later. But recently I just had an itch to try out a few things on my own. To sort of test my ability to make this space entirely me and done by me. Writing, expression, layout and all.

And I learned a lot doing it too. All sorts of new CSS and HTML tricks I was confuzzled by just a year ago. This new space may not seem like much to someone who does design for a living but I am still mighty proud of myself for what I learned along the way and I finally feel like this space is starting to reflect me. The whole nonsensical side of me anyway ;)

Take a look around (there is a little surprise down at the bottom Fyi. Thanks to Amy from ThePENandBRUSH for that adorable craziness!). Check it out. There are little updates everywhere :)

Also, for those that subscribe via rss or email, I've moved on from Feedburner. With everything going on with Google Reader and possibly Google Friend Connect I decided I didn't like Feedburner's odds of sticking around too much longer. I could be wrong of course but better safe then sorry I like to say. Since I was changing everything else anyway I am now using Feedblitz and Mailchimp so please, if you like me (which I hope you do!) and subscribe via these avenues then please re subscribe by email or rss. Check out the sidebar to do so :)

While we are on the subject of change, I recently jumped back to using my google plus profile for blogger because I read that they had fixed the no-reply comment blogger issue. I've tested it a little and it seems to be working fine but if I have commented on any of your blogs and have come up as a no-reply PLEASE let me know!

So, what do you think? Like it? Think I'm crazy, it's too busy, and way too much color? Cause I'd take that as a compliment too ;)

Happy Monday, Homies.

Disney Princess Autograph Book

2013-05-01T16:43:00.003-04:00

My cousin and her husband have a teensy bit of a Disney obsession.... I am being nice when I say this because actually sometimes it's down right frightening. Every year they take a vacation to the same damn spot. You guessed it, Disney World. Forget about seeing the rest of the planet.....no way. Why? Because Disney IS the planet for them.

Well, It's the happiest place on earth, after all.

Although I've been there...... We will have to agree to disagree on this one. I was freaking miserable. But I'll admit that I am generally miserable to travel with anyway. And besides, to me, a vacation isn't a vacation unless laziness is involved and when you go to Disney with my cousin there is no such thing as laziness. She has a tight schedule and you'll be damned if you don't follow it.

She could totally make a killing being like some sort of crazy Disney tour guide though. Just sayin.

By the way, is anyone else freaked out a little by the "Characters"? You know, the people dressed up like Mickey Mouse and shiz? My cousin posted some videos on facebook of her husband dancing with one of those chipmunk things and the first thing Jimmy says is "I wonder if that's a big butch crazy dude in that suit...." and I was like "Even worse, what if it's a really hot chick trying to pick him up?" but then I realized that his scenario was way more likely than mine and probably way creepier too.

*shudder*

It's the not knowing that really gets ya ;)

Anyway, this year they took my niece..... okay, I realize that just got confusing. She's my cousin's daughter which makes her my cousin once removed but I call her my niece because A) "Cousin once removed" is a mouthful for an almost 2 year old to say (although I bet she could cause she's a smart one) and B) I have no nieces or nephews so I've adopted her as such. My brother hates kids and isn't going to hook me up anytime soon and Jimmy's nieces and nephews are just out of high school and would probably find it weird if I tried to snuggle on them and stuff. Are you confused at all?

Back on topic, they took my niece on her first trip to Disney World a few weeks back. My cousin had asked me if I could make her an autograph book (for those creepy characters to sign) and I was like "Totally. I got this."

Which was a boldfaced lie.

I thought it would be easy enough so I agreed to do it but it turned out to be a fiasco. I'm a perfectionist when it comes to these things and...... oy. There were moments...... we'll leave it at that. There were moments.

But I got it done and I'll admit, I'm totally proud of it. I always insist that I am not very crafty but then I craft up something like this and I'm like "oh". A lot of blood (literally.....papercuts are a bitch), sweat, and tears went into this little project but I was happy to do it cause if you saw my niece..... well, you wouldn't be able to deny that little, perfect, precious, face either.

{side note: I just spent a good hour editing out the cat hair that was all up in these photos. The background is my tablecloth...... ewww! Just goes to show, ain't nobody perfect. Am I right? Gotta do something about those cats.....}

Linking up with Kristine!!

We fight over yard work....

2013-04-30T15:18:00.003-04:00

This past weekend was beautiful. We are finally getting some spring weather around here. Still a little chilly by my standards.....to me, 70 degrees is far from warm enough for bare arms but nice enough to go out with just a hoodie on at least. It was also nice enough that arguments over what lawn mower we needed to purchase had to happen.

Seems odd that this is our second home yet we don't have a dang lawn mower, huh? We got lucky in the multi family. My mother lived upstairs and already had everything. Plus she seems to enjoy yard work so we let her sort of have at it in that place and were able to enjoy a beautiful landscape and laziness simultaneously.

But not anymore. Now we need to do all this crap on our own. I say "crap" because it is crap. I hate yard work. Gardening isn't my thing either. Not to mention I have no idea what I am doing. Sunday my mom came over to try and show me how to do all this stuff, to show me what was already planted, to tell us what supplies we needed and all that jazz..... I didn't last ten minutes before I threw down my rake, stormed inside, and deemed the yard Jimmy's responsibility. I'd rather clean the toilets.

I'm not kidding. Not even cracking a smile here.

Ain't nobody got time for all that! Okay, maybe I have a shitload of time for all that but no.

No way.

So, James takes responsibility and decides he needs a bunch of new toys like we are made of money or something. But that's not even the kicker here, guys. Turns out he is cheap as hell instead because he's trying to convince me that we need to get a manual lawn mower.

Are you freaking kidding me? Like we live in the dark ages or something. He was serious too. Said something to the effect that it appealed to his simple nature and made him feel all amishly cool. who even knows what that means?!. God knows what he was saying at this point because I pretty much shut him out when the words Manual, Lawn, and Mower came out of his mouth.

I'm picturing it. All the rest of the upper class neighborhood is outside mowing their lawns on their man beast lawn mowers.....some with ride ons even.... and here comes James just putzing along with his manual mower.

Actually, I was tempted to let him go for it because it would have been funny as hell.

In his defense though, I was really picturing one of these little ancient doo hickies....

image via

But it turns out they have actually come quite a long way over the years. But still..... he'll be out there forever trying to mow our 1/3 of an acre. It's not a big yard but probably needs a little more than that. Or am I wrong?

*sigh* I am a gas powered mower chick all the way but we finally agreed on a battery powered mower. We'll see how this flies.

Like I said earlier, the yard is his responsibility now. If he wants to trim it with nail clippers I really can't complain, can I? Goodness..... I can't wait to see what he plants for flowers. Meh, who am I kidding? He'll probably do way better than I ever could!

It was also nice enough for a random park visit. Raine has always been a little too young (in my opinion) to really enjoy the park but this year all that has seemed to change. He still wants daddy to help him with the slides and swings but he's venturing off, playing with other kids, and being a crazy boy now. Jimmy had him running bases which is right down Raine's alley. Anything that involves running has this kid grinning.

I snapped a few pictures of their random silliness.... with my iphone oddly. They didn't come out half bad.....

Maybe now I won't feel like I have to lug the big camera around everywhere.

Hormonal Tears And Dinner Plates

2013-04-26T16:18:00.001-04:00

Well, this has been one heck of a week! Some good and some bad but either way it has kept me busy. Nothing of interest really to report though.

Unless you count that now every time I ovulate I get super depressed. I think that's my biological clock? Maybe. This week has been really crazy in the depression department. Lots and lots of big psycho tears. I think James has officially established a direct line to God in his prayers to please make his wife quit being a crazy, depressed, nut bag. God must be listening because I feel a little better today.

Thank you Jesus.

Outside of soaking my pillow, I'm keeping busy with a new blog design (but do I really want to change it? I love this design so much but I can't help it..... I'm always changing things.) and listing stuff on eBay. I don't think I ever mentioned this but I used to have an online woman's clothing eBay store a few years back. I gave it up when I started bartending because that took priority and because, well, bartending was way more fun. But now I still have all these clothes laying around and eBay offered me 200,000 free auction style listings this week. That will keep a lady real busy, you know?

Funny Tale: Every time we go to Target I am always begging Jimmy for those cute little $1 plastic plates they have. You know, with all the cute little animals and colorful designs on them?

Like this.

Not that I have to really ask Jimmy for anything because he doesn't give a poop what I buy and I make my own damn money anyway but hey.... sometimes I need the jerk to justify a purchase for me now and then. Why? because I am freaking thrifty (yes, I know they are a dollar) but every damn time I ask him about these plates he says to me "We have plates at home" so as you can see, so much for him helping me justify anything at all! He is the suckiest enabler on the planet.

Obviously.

Anyway, yesterday I gave Raine lunch on one of our plates. They are glass plates but they are Corelle which, you know, it supposed to be scratch, chip, and break resistant. You may have seen their commercials? The one where the kid bumps the plate on the floor and it just hits, spins for a second, and lands completely unscathed by this evil toddler's hands? Well, Raine decided he wanted no part of the pancakes I made him and did one of these:

.....and the damn plate shattered into a million tiny, sharp, homicidal pieces. Without missing a beat (or even flinching, mind you) James turned to me and said "We can get the plates" And that, my friends, means the universe is totally down to justify purchases for me and is, in fact, a perfectly acceptable shopping enabler.

Living In a World They Didn't Make

2013-04-16T15:02:00.000-04:00

In the midst of my thoughts and prayers for Boston the last two days, I will admit that much of my thinking has been selfish. Okay, maybe not selfish but obviously a bit closer to home. I never used to be but since having Raine I am so easily affected by these tragedies. I can't stand to watch others suffer.

Real suffering like this..... I think we ALL suffer as a people when these things happen.

But I have grown especially sensitive to it. Where once I would just thumb my nose at these things (I wasn't the most pleasant of people, I admit) now I am the complete opposite. I cried for 3 hours this morning upon reading about the Kermit Gosnell baby murder trial. And those were't likely the last tears I have shed over that situation nor were they the first.

Last week a friend posted on facebook about a man killing a baby (you honestly don't want to know how...... I've been sick about it for days) and I launched into a tirade that had me suspending all my online social media accounts in order to avoid seeing these things ever again.

I just can't take it.

The pain.

The suffering.

Our whole world.....

Shutting everything down won't make it stop. But when my small son is asking me why I am crying all the time, my mind begins to wonder.

We are happy people yet I'm not always happy because of the things I see going on around us and a broken world. I don't want my son to see any of this. To be subjected to what I believe are things that are way scarier than his father and I had to endure growing up..... and our childhoods aren't exactly speckled with puppies and rainbows either. But what I suffered through and what I am afraid Raine could potentially suffer through seem very different when compared side by side.

I'm afraid for my child's future.

This line of thinking makes me worry if it's fair of me to have this intense desire to bring MORE innocent lives into this world. You all know how much I want to have another baby.....and another.....and another..... but I gotta be honest, I am questioning that desire big time.

It's no secret that I am a little bit bonkers and my thoughts tend to act accordingly. Yesterday, after immediately sending forth a barrage of prayer and positive thoughts to Boston, I thought:

"What if I have 2-3 children and I need to run with them? Can I carry the load? What if we are attacked and I can't protect all these innocent lives I brought into this world?"

They are forced to live in a world they didn't make.

Waht if, what if, what if.....so many.

That is probably every mother's fear. That they can't always protect their sprouts. I just wish I didn't have to actually think up terrible scenarios in which I may not be able to.

But then I came across this quote on Twitter and it made me think:

"For every one person who wishes to destroy, 100 rush to help heal and rebuild. That's the human race: our angels outnumber our devils."
~ Leonord McCoy.

And while this quote doesn't make it right or change anything that has happened or will happen, it makes it's point heard.

Humanity isn't lost.

Not yet.

And each new child comes with the message that God hasn't given up on us yet either.

There is still hope.

Operation Summer Shape Up

2013-04-12T14:54:00.001-04:00

Soooo.....

I may have failed just a teensy bit with my goals last week which were as follows:

Stay away from the take out food

Do my new and Traci approved workout out (I work out 5 days a week so all 5 days)

Well, I did well in the fitness department but I didn't make it all five days. Oh, and I didn't do "my" workout the whole week either. This workout is kicking me in the tail feathers, peoples. I had to do some elliptical in between to heal up a day or so in there. And I missed one day of working out entirely due to complete laziness..... one day of laziness though? I'm going to go ahead and file this week in the "win" section regardless. Besides, usually when I miss a day I get all OCD and tell myself I need to start again the following week fresh but I didn't do that this time. I forced myself to start over the next day instead of the following week.

Those of you with very real Obsessive Compulsive Disorder know how difficult changing things up like that can be.

Does mental health count too?

I say "absolutely".

Eating, overall was good too. I definitely feel a big difference from all the raw veggies and fruits I've been consuming. But the weekend hits and it's super hard to stay away from that damn take out so I will just admit I was weak last weekend.

But since I have been perfectly on track.... only a few potty training M&M's here and there.

Hey! It's hard work potty training.....why does Raine get all the damn rewards?

Goals next week? Pretty much the same. Stick to my workouts and stay away from that yummy yummy (yet oh so tummy upsetting) take out food. Jimmy says he'll help out a bit by roasting me up a big batch of his yummy roasted vegetable (just add olive oil and salt.....who knew?) for me to snack on all week and also a big batch of his green beans with garlic butter sauce.....ummm yeah, I can eat those things like candy.

and then there are these babies....

So good, guys! Anytime I am having a bit of a sweet tooth thing going on I defrost some of these suckers and go to town. So yummy :)

Got some healthy tings to report? A recipe perhaps or a new health/weight loss goal? Come link up with these ladies!

Conversations With The Cuddler

2013-04-11T16:38:00.000-04:00

My husband has a thing for stereotypes. Or maybe a thing for just making fun of stereotypes. Doesn't seem to matter whether it's racial, religious, or political.... doesn't matter. If it's a stereotype of any sort James is all over poking fun at it. Because stereotypes are obviously ridiculous, right?

Raine was watching a cartoon with random crayon characters, erasers, pens....all sorts of nonsense....

Raine: I love the eraser, Daddy.

James: You do? That's cool. I think he's German. He has a mustache and all Germans have mustaches. Wait, does he have a monocle? Raine, go look and tell daddy if the eraser has a monocle.

Raine: Ducky momo?

(note: I think sometimes James makes up stereotypes just to poke fun at them)

I had to take a moment to explain to Raine that Daddy is in fact, German himself and although he does indeed have a mustache..... we won't be allowing him any monocle's because that would just be too damn distinguished for our household.

Then later that day, I asked Jimmy to keep an eye on Raine while I did the dishes (pfffttt I mean load the dishwasher....duh) cause Raine was still eating. Jimmy started to shuffle around a bit as if he were uncomfortable, grabbed Raine and his dinner plate up, and started heading for the stairs when he said....

James: C'mon Raine. You need to finish this upstairs because daddy needs to take a shit.

And this is precisely why we will never be distinguished enough for monocles.

I mean, clearly not.

Instagram Lovins and Potty Updates.

2013-04-10T16:17:00.002-04:00

I love that Raine is at an age where he can communicate with me now. We have always been good at reading his cues and instinctively knowing what he wants or needs anyway but I love that now he can tell me..... even if he's being a smartass (like his father) when he's doing it. Sure, I miss the baby days. I look back at videos and pictures and sob it up with the best of them but to me, it's completely fascinating to know exactly what wondrous things are going on in that tiny head of his. Well, actually, not so tiny, according to his doctor.

Whatevs.

Potty training has been going well. If you consider that he's basically stopped going on the potty entirely as "going well" anyway. The first few days were amazing. He was going (or leaving things.....eewww) like every time he sat on the thing with very few mistakes. Now he just sits in his underwear all day. But that's the thing! He sits in DRY underwear all day. He might not be using the potty but he's holding it until the diaper goes on at night and nap time. This means the little punk has learned to hold it.

Everything I have read says this is a big step that can take awhile to overcome. It's not like I have potty trained any other kids so I am freaking clueless but I'll take it! Funny how he gets super pissed about the diapers going on though. He tells me he's "too big" for them but 5 minutes later he's telling me he's going poopy or peepee. Yeah that's right, the little brat ~~freaking yells at me~~ tells me he's going to the bathroom once the diapers are on. But never mind that potty business. Once he's done he wants his big boy underwear on. The diapers have become the potty.

If only life were that easy, kid. I'd love to just sit on my lazy ass and shit where I am sitting and have someone change me back into underwear when I am done too (especially when Buffy is on the tube) but these things are simply not going to fly in the real world. If I have to get up and walk 2 feet to the john then so do you, Mister.

I'm still going to file this in the "win" basket because it's progress either way. I've started bribing the little punk with M&M's in hopes that will maybe get him to go on the dang toilet again. But progress is progress no matter how you slice it.

Besides, I'm pretty stoked to not have to get the carpet cleaned like I expected I would have to.

1} My very own Sylvester and Tweety. Don't let this picture fool you though. That cat is terrified of that bird.

2} Books and snuggles.

3} Raine's Easter Hoho's.

4} Trying on things at Target.

5} My big boy in his big boy things. *sob*

6} Trying out a pastel pink..... I don't like it so expect another change.

7} My little camera hog. Attention seeking much?

8} Serious faces over tater tots.

9} Raine letting me know he still enjoys his rocking chair even though he's not a baby anymore.

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Operation Summer Shape Up, Peeps!

2013-04-05T14:32:00.000-04:00

I know I said I was going to try and avoid link ups for a little bit because I felt I was straying from the whole point of blogging etc. etc. but I really really did love the Inspire Me: Healthy link up I used to get in on and since that's no longer a thing I am super psyched to see that my girl Kristine over at The Foley Fam and her sister Desiree are hosting this new health inspired link up and I am all over that shiz, okay?

If you have been reading here for awhile you already know I am pretty fitness obsessed and I am also trying to be a little more health conscious with my food and lifestyle choices too. I want to be on this planet forever, guys. You hear me? F-O-R-E-V-E-R. I got this kid I need to be a good example for and no one knows better than me what it's like to lose a parent from poor health. So it is my intention to stick around for a long time.

Obviously, with my luck, this means I will die of some freak accident like getting struck by lightening or a small meteor crashing through my bedroom window directly one my face. It's pretty much a given.

But anyway, the last time I weighed in around here I was 129 lbs. I've put on a little weight since then but I am going to jump out on a limb here and say that is actually a good thing. I was pretty sick at the end of last year into the beginning of this year and I have still been healing from it slowly. I then also had a reaction to some of the antibiotics I had been taking to handle said illness which made me lose a lot of weight. The fact that I have gained weight actually indicates that things in my body are starting to get back on course so I am not going to whine one bit about it.

So this is what things look like right now:

Stats

Last weigh in: 129 lbs
This weigh in: 137 lbs

Weight loss this month: +8 lbs

And this will be my new starting point. I will track my weight monthly (as was my intention) but I am not going to put too much pressure on it because The Cuddler and I are trying to conceive baby number two. In the event that I actually do get pregnant that number obviously isn't going to mean much.

The goal here, as it's always been, is to achieve better health. Over the year I have done better and better in this department and it's certainly helped to use this blog to keep me accountable!

Working out has changed a bit for me after the 30 Day Shred turned out to be a no-go because of my jerk knees. I went back to my tried and true workout, Tae Bo. But I decided to mix it up a little. There are many things from all these various workouts I have tried that I love and if I could just get rid of the crap that hurts my dang knees I'd be golden....

So I buckled down and choreographed my own 60 minute daily workout mixing various moves from Tae Bo, 30 Day Shred, Turbo Jam, Insanity, P90X, and a few other strength training moves. I just combined all my favorite exercises while still being mindful of keeping my heart rate up for the ultimate cardio + strength training exercise.

You guys, I've done this workout for two days now and for the first time in a year I am sore! I mean, can barely move sore. Like, couldn't lift my legs out of bed this morning and had to workout on the elliptical instead sort of sore. This is big for me because I was barely breaking a sweat with any of these workouts on their own. I haven't felt like I was really doing my body any good with any of the methods of working out I have been trying. Now.... now I feel like a rockstar!

My goal in the coming weeks? Keep up with this new workout plan and stay the heck away from the take out food. It's my biggest down fall. Some nights neither of us want anything to do with cooking so Burger King or the local pizza place just sounds so much more appealing. Honestly though, it's not worth the tummy aches and indigestion we get the next day though. We eat pretty healthy otherwise so when we eat the junk we really feel it for a few days.

So no more yuckies next week. That's the plan!

Wanna get healthy? Lose some pounds? Or just share a yummy healthy recipe? Link up with Kristine & Desiree and share with the rest of us, why don't ya? ;)

Easter

2013-04-04T18:31:00.001-04:00

....a little late because I am potty training The Destroyer and all that.

Life.... you know. ;)

If you have been reading here for awhile then you have probably read my rambles over whether or not we will be doing the Easter Bunny/Santa/Tooth Fairy etc. with our kids. I had a bad experience when I found out growing up and I just wasn't sure I wanted to participate in all of that and Jimmy has always leaned more towards not doing it.

Well, this Easter holiday sort of answered that big mind boggling question for us. Last week I was checking my facebook newsfeed and a friend had posted a picture of her young son with "The Easter Bunny" and Raine, who was being nosy over my shoulder, asked me "why is that person wearing a bunny suit?"

What the What?!

It was a convincing suit in and there wasn't much about it that would make a child his age be suspicious in my opinion. Yet, he wasn't having it.

Over the weekend my cousin hosted a Easter egg hunt at her house and again "The Easter Bunny" made an appearance.

This was my kid's face......

This is a nicer photo... there were tears and confusion. He was not having one bit of it. We tried to get him to hang out with the bunny but he kept insisting that this crazy thing in front of him was not a bunny but a man dressed as a bunny and the more we insisted otherwise the more distraught he became.

I broke, okay? I was not fighting with my kid over a lie. Absolutely not. So we told him the truth and upon hearing the truth he calmed down enough to at least be pictured with the farce....

he looks pleased, right?

Between that experience and talking with family we have decided that we will just be sharing the truth about the holidays. Some people have argued that we will be stealing the magic from our kids by doing this and that somehow we will be destroying their tiny imaginations too but Raine's imagination is quite extensive without all that. I suppose the ability to imagine and also be realistic can go hand in hand in a child's mind.

Besides, you try arguing with a tiny 2.5 year old especially when he's right and you're wrong!

Now the key will be teaching him to not tell all the other kids what he knows...... oy!

The rest of the holiday went down a little better:

easter basket: target

coloring eggs for the first time ever!

and the best part....eating them :)

those yolks are kind of gross though, I guess

hohos: little bit funky

bad picture but I really do exist, FYI

He was psyched to get those crayons seeing as he was grounded from them for two weeks for coloring on the new flat screen tv!

Needless to say... he knows better now ;)

Potty, the apocalypse, and other thoughts...

2013-04-02T15:37:00.000-04:00

Rockin his bad ass super hero underwear

Sometimes being a momma totally boggles my mind. If you knew me, you'd know I am one selfish individual. I know it, Jimmy knows it (especially when it comes to the last piece of whatever food we are eating) and my mom is always pretty quick to point it out too. It's one of many flaws that I have. That I usually put myself before others no matter how hard I try not to and no matter how much I love someone.

Hey, at least I know this about myself. That's gotta count for something, no?

I'm good mostly with putting Jimmy before myself but my kid? I don't even have to put any effort into putting him before my selfish needs. If we were in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, I'd totally have this kid's back...... Jimmy may want to just keep up.

(sidenote: Honey, I love you....but I can't carry your big ass. You might want to consider getting into better shape because you can't even get through the 1st level of Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. I'm pretty certain that means a zombie can out run you. I'm just saying is all.....)

Don't get me wrong, I was hiding in the bathroom much of this last Easter weekend so that I wouldn't have to share my yummy Cadbury Eggs but in a way, how is that selfish? I'm just looking out for the kid's health, that's all.

It surprises me though how easily I can get excited for my son. I've been proud of myself for many things but that pride can't even touch the pride I feel for him. The day he finally decided to take his first steps (and he made me wait awhile) I was so ecstatic I almost felt sick! Watching him grow and learn is the highlight of my day. No longer do I wake up concerned about me, me, and only me. My days are spent reveling in this tiny person who never ceases to amaze me.

It doesn't matter that some days I don't get to have a little "me" time. Heck, I'm lucky if I have time to shower. I may stink and the house may get demolished during the course of our "travels" but it doesn't mean a thing when I get to see that smile or hear that laugh. He's actually even pretty cool when he's being a damn prick. Even when he's telling me off I'll still put out a few head shots to protect him from mindless zombies.

No doubt.

Today I am jazzed if you haven't noticed. We (finally.....cut me some slack) started potty training yesterday. Yeah yeah, I said I was going to do that months ago but I've just been holding back on watching my little boy become a little man, okay? But I cut the chord a little this week and today he's had zero mistakes and has gone on the potty three times already...... spectacular.

This may seem insignificant especially if you aren't a parent but I am so stoked I'm damn near tears! I thought I would be emotional because he was growing up so fast but oddly, I am more emotional because I am so dang proud of him..... over pee pee. What's it going to be like when he graduates high school or does anything else worth being proud over?

I don't want to think about it.

Right now, I need to clear these happy tears from my eyes. Sure as hell can't protect him from the zombie apocolyspe if I can't stinkin see.....

Sticking with the "bad week" theme and all...

2013-03-29T17:08:00.001-04:00

Via

While depression can be a jerk and P.M.S. is a bitch (no seriously) there is one other thing in my life that can blow both these assholes out of the water. This prick can make depression with P.M.S. look like a nice sunny day at the beach, guys.

No joke.

That prick I'm referring to would be obsessive compulsive disorder.

I wish I could be like normal people. Normal people usually can wake up a little late one day, brush it off, and get on with their lives. If I wake up late and miss a part of my routine I end up in a glass case of emotion sobbing like a boy who's just been struck in the genitalia for the better part of a week.

Yes, you read that right. It does sound extreme, doesn't it?

But it's my life and the way I've always lived it. I sometimes feel so ridiculous looking at the very real things that other people deal with on a day to day basis and here I am crying over spilled milk (literally) or a broken crayon in a box of new crayons. It doesn't feel very good to completely collapse emotionally when your husband accidentally puts a spoon in where the dang forks are supposed to go.

You can laugh. It IS funny. Even I can recognize the humor in all of this. There is that saving grace for me. That I can laugh at myself a little.

I was saying to Jimmy that I don't think it's so much that I actually hate this house but that by moving here my head has been all thrown out of whack. I have to go about things much differently, create new cleaning routines to accomodate a bigger house, and establish new routines for Raine too. (routines routines routines....bah! shut up!) I haven't had much success in doing that because, HELLO, life gets in the way and then my mind feels busted up from trying to comprehend it all.

Today I feel hopeless. I don't think this sick cycle will ever really end and some days I handle that knowledge better than others. Today and the last few days haven't been so good in that department. If anything, it's like this disease just gets worse as time moves forward. I don't recall things being so extreme growing up or as bad even a couple years ago.

It's crossed my mind that having kids and giving them the routines that they tend to thrive on hasn't helped matters much. Because I provide Raine with a solid routine I've become enveloped in said routine myself. I mean, I have to. I am his mother afterall. Routine, in itself, isn't the problem. It's a break in it that sends me spiraling. I want so badly to be able to miss something or to skip a step without a meltdown.

From me. Not the kid.

I have to constantly remind myself that I can overcome this. Maybe not entirely but I can overcome how it feels right now. I always manage to come out on top as long as I don't quit fighting. Nothing was ever accomplished by someone feeling sorry for themselves. And I refuse to feel sorry for myself. It's just a few bad days. Not the end of the world.

At least I know that when the end of the world does come.... I'll be the most organized, prepared, crazy person on my block.

Have a happy Easter, Homies! I intend on color sorting eggs all weekend. Maybe that will make me feel better.

Depression hurts... So does P.M.S

2013-03-26T15:00:00.001-04:00

Depression is a killer, guys. Those who have it already know this of course. But obviously it is wreaking hovac in these parts lately which completely explains my lack of blogging and muttering of funny things.... or serious things.... or anything at all for that matter.

I'm not even sure if I am suffering from actual "depression" as it's that lovely week that almost every lady with a sense of humor and a habit of keeping up with all things trendy has begun calling "shark week". Look it up. It's a thing. And if you still don't get it.... I have my period. Which would explain last weeks sour, foggy mood.

Obviously I had P.M.S.

Depression rarely makes me want to Tae Bo kick Jimmy in the face for no reason at all. Depression usually makes me stay in bed a lot which Raine actually prefers because that means it's a television day. But no, lately I have wanted to karate chop the husband and sell the kid on eBay which CLEARLY indicates P.M.S and NOT a random bout of depression.

Via

Obviously I would never sell my son online so don't freak out. Kicking Jimmy in the face?

Accidents happen.

Just sayin.

Conversations With The Cuddler

2013-03-25T15:27:00.000-04:00

{Conversations with The Cuddler posts are excerpts of conversations with my husband, James. It's a peek at the hilarious, sometimes bazaar, always nonsensical topics that come up around here. In short, my husband just says the darndest things.}
It's been awhile since I've posted one of these. Actually, it's been awhile since James has said anything absurd......which could be a miracle of the Lord.... or just the stress of our routine out of whack still holding strong. But alas, here's some gems from the weekend:

The "trying to conceive" version. Which may mean some TMI for those that can't handle the idea of how babies are made ;P

James (excitedly): Have you rinsed out the cup that you peed in yet?
Me: Ummm... no. Just throw it out.

And then he rinses it out anyway. I had to throw it away this morning. Mind you, it was a plastic disposable cup. Are you as grossed out as I am?

Then this jem thrown at me sarcastically as we were snuggled up and falling asleep last night in a half sleepy voice....

James: Sorry I didn't fertilize your egg this month......

Next time James..... next time.

Baby Raine breaking hearts. Specifically mine. How could I not want another one of these rascals?

Instagram Lovins

2013-03-22T14:08:00.000-04:00

I'm not dead. I'm in emotional limbo. When I am like this there just isn't much I can say that isn't going to be boring as hell.... and quite frankly, it would be just as boring to write it as it would be for you to read it.

I promise.... I will not torture you like that. Really, I'm being selfish here because I can't stand to torture myself like that.

So I figure it's entirely acceptable to bore you with Instagram pictures instead ;P

1} Oh no! Mommy put all the different colored leggos together..... the world is on the brink of destruction now!

2} Raine's Easter hoho :)

3} This kid is an iPad wizard.

4} Yeah... I totally ate the whole thing. No shame.

5} Our newest Craigslist score. Now we can actually have a seat in the playroom.

6} A snowy afternoon.....in March.

7} He's really growing up too fast. I'm terrified that I won't be able to keep up.

8} See what I mean?

9} Taking pictures with mommy's phone is the newest craze.

Oh, and I hacked more hair off and colored it blue....

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Bye Bye Google Reader...

2013-03-14T17:31:00.004-04:00

So, if you haven't heard yet, it looks as if Google is getting rid of Google Reader. To me, this is no big thing but many bloggers are stunned because it looks as if this also means we are saying goodbye to Google Friend Connect too.... if you don't know what that is, that's the little gadget on my sidebar that looks like so.....

It may or may not be the way you choose to follow this here blog and the others that you read which is what stinks like bad fish because once it takes a hike on July 1st then you may lose all your follows!

I'll be honest though, I don't think I am going to mind seeing it go. Blogging has become quite the numbers game and it's all controlled through that little gadget right there. It can be good but it can also be so evil bad. So I say good riddance! Am I right? ;)

Now, I follow most blogs through Google reader so this is going to be an adjustment for me in that regard but I switched over to Bloglovin this morning and was able to easily import all the blogs I follow over to them. Sign up and with a click of a button.....viola! So go check it out.

Other ways you can find me are:

Bloglovin

Twitter

Pinterest

Facebook

Instagram

So see? It's not so bad, right? There are plenty of ways to connect with me and my blog and plenty of ways for me to connect with you too! You can also reach me by email and/or subscribe blog posts via email too! You can check out these links over there on my sidebar.

I hope to see you guys on the flip side ;D

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Is 30 the new 50?

2013-03-11T18:50:00.000-04:00

This photo has nothing to do with this post. Well, unless you consider that in my old age I have no problem doing my hair and make up while staying in my pajamas all day.

I remember when I was younger listening to my mom whine about how old she was getting and all these supposed aches and pains she was feeling and I would think she was crazy. She was only 35 after all. But she acted as if she was 90 and dying any day! I couldn't grasp her thinking at all. Of course, I wasn't even a decade old so maybe that had something to do with it.

When I met James he had just turned 30 and I heard a lot of those same complaints coming out of his mouth. I thought he was crazy and he told me I would find out when I turned 30. I just laughed it off. I was healthy, fit, and full of life. I felt it was unlikely I would suddenly deteriorate the minute the hour struck on my 30th birthday.

So now I am 31...... And pretty much, I'm dying. Or at least, I now realize my own mortality. Not because I am inching ever closer to 40 because the actual number holds little significance to me. No sir, what has me feeling like the grim reaper is just hanging out on my couch eating up all my cheerios (pfft.....like I could even keep cheerios in the house) is the fact that my body feels like junk.

My knees pop and creak. My stomach is never happy. I have acid reflux and other evil issues that seem to have literally cropped up during the week of my 30th birthday. I gain weight way easier now so forget that tasty Big Mac....which I can't have anyway because I fear the indigestion. Losing said weight takes double the work than it used to. I can't sleep in anymore. If I sleep past 8:30 a.m. I feel like crap the entire day and I usually want to be in my bed at 9 p.m. Even though I force myself to wait until at least 10 p.m. Ugh, and don't get me started on my inability to hold my liquor.

Friday night we went out for the first time in nearly a year. Jimmy and I woke up Saturday morning and thanked our lucky stars that we had 3 bathrooms.... I won't go into details because it would lose me some readers, I'm sure. Suffice it to say that this family of three remained in bed for over 24 hours watching episode after episode of Phineas and Ferb. It's not like we partied the night away either. A few drinks and a later than usual bedtime and you would think we were up all night at a raging keg party. How did I even live this way in my 20's? Why did I even want to?

All those times I knocked my mom for even suggesting she was "getting old".... And it's not like my mom is one for complaining about physical pain or ailments. The woman is like the female equivalent of Rambo for heck's sake. So I should have probably taken her plight a little bit more seriously back then.

I'm sure not laughing now.

When I hear her complaints now that she is over 50 I keep my mouth shut.

I'll admit that I'm a teensy bit terrified.

30 Day Shred & Instagram Lovins

2013-03-07T15:02:00.000-05:00

I swear all I do is post Instagram Lovins posts now. Looking at my recent post list suggests otherwise but I still feel like that's all I write about some weeks. It's just the easiest way to update me, you, whoever on the going ons of us crazy cats.

SO, I started level two of the 30 day shred last night and I have some foul news.... I won't be able to continue the work out it seems. Within 5 minutes of work out two I realized that many of the rapid leg movements was going to be too hard on my knees. I took a peek at level three and found it was even more of the same. Jillian uses a lot of plyometric movements (the same as Insanity and P90X, I believe.) to get you into shape and while effective, it's super shocking to the knees and joints. There isn't anything medically wrong with my knees technically but I can feel that there is a high potential that there could be. My knees and ankles took a heck of a beating in my pregnancy with Raine so I just don't want to test it. I suffered my way through level two last night and I can honestly say I feel terrible today and not in a sore muscle from a good workout sort of way. I kind of feel like I actually broke something :/

That being said, my review so far? This workout can most definitely provide a good workout for those who are looking to tone up or are generally not fit to begin with. Jimmy thinks he may give it a go as a stepping stone into starting Insanity because he is not the least bit into exercise. For people like me who are fitness junkies? Probably not for you. I was barely even able to break a sweat in workout one or two and watching three, I doubt I would find much challenge in that either. It may have had the potential to tone me up though but unfortunately I can't finish the program to find out.

And that's that. I am happy though because I actually found the original Tae Bo exercise series that I used to love and that helped me lose 30 lbs a few years back so I am going to go back to that. It's fun, not as overwhelming on my joints, and burns a shit ton of calories while still toning you up. I actually had 6 pack abs when I was religious with Tae Bo! So I am going back to what I know works :)

On to the Instagram....

1} Ya can't have a pixie haircut without Bed Head products nor can you take a picture without a nosey toddler photo bombing you.

2} Touching up the pink and seriously considered just staying blond. Yay or nay?

3} He must have been having a growth spurt because he ate almost a whole box of cheerios that day. And spilled them all over the floor too. Thank goodness for big dogs. Better than vacuums.

4} This kid is a veggie junkie. He eats an entire plate every night. I am not complaining fyi.

5} Curly lazy pixie? I am not sure about this...

6} I loved this shower curtain I had from Urban Outfitters but we have glass shower doors now. I think it makes a nice bird cage cover though, no?

7} Momma's new toy. I sold a lot of crap on eBay to get this sucker.

8} I love my hair :)

9} Raine is now learning piano..... kind of. Jimmy's showing him notes and Raine is getting it but mostly likes banging away at the keys for hours ;)

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And so home with us, he stays.

2013-03-04T14:39:00.000-05:00

A couple people have asked how things are going with Michigan after I had wrote this post and this one about a month and a half ago. So how about a little update, shall we?

After many tears between Jimmy and I and the inability to make a final decision on whether or not we would be able to keep Mich we finally decided to give it another month to see if things would settle in and settle down after moving and everything else that has been going on around here lately. For whatever reason, this move has been the most stressful I have ever experienced to date.... and I have moved a lot. Always within the same town and this time was no different so I really can't explain why this time around has been so chaotic.

Moving itself was easy and swift. We had all our belongings moved from the old place to the new within a few hours and I was pretty much unpacked by the end of the weekend. The adjustment to the new house though has just been a bit much for us. You would think that us small time, former poor kids would be ecstatic to move into a much bigger place in a well off neighborhood but sadly, it's been the opposite. There have been nights where all we want to do is pack up and move back home to the "ghetto" (I use that term loosely as I'm not being literal but in my town, that's pretty much what my old neighborhood is considered) and obviously we can't do that.

Things have gotten better and routines are finally being established but still, there is a strong sense that this isn't where we are supposed to be. That unsettled feeling has definitely had a big effect on our pets. Especially Michigan. Okay, maybe not all the pets.... the cats really couldn't give a rat's ass. Except my fat cat. She's pretty pissed that she has to navigate all these stairs.

I may have to get her an inhaler.

Do they make 30 Day Shred for obese felines?

Michigan's confusion over pack order seems to have settled down a bit though. Rather than try to boss over Raine he is actually listening to some small commands Raine gives him. I was blown away last week when Raine asked Michigan to "sit" and Michigan obliged.

Food is still a problem (it never was until we moved) so I find it best if everyone is separate while eating. Thankfully Michigan doesn't give a damn if Raine is feisty and playing in his dog bowl. It's just people meal time that gets a little shovey. No growls or biting just a lot of shoving that I am in no mood to tolerate. It's odd to me that this would suddenly develop into an issue though as Michigan is generally not allowed people food and was never known to be a beggar. Maybe it's because the house provides a bigger space for Michigan to romp around and so he does so. Which annoys us when we are in one room together. So I just find it easier to separate him till meals are finished.

He still seems a little antsy at times and will bark out the front windows at the slightest movement or noise. Honestly, as long as it's not a nervous thing that affects his health, I don't mind that he does this. I feel a little more protected knowing that he will alert us to any odd movement or anything suspicious. It may be annoying when it's the mailman and Raine is napping but otherwise I'd rather he act protective than not. It could possibly save our lives some day.

We think things have died down enough though that we can say the best place for him is still here with us. Even if we moved him to stay with a friend I think it would just make his new behaviors worse from moving again and being away from his "pack". I don't worry that he is a danger to Raine and I am not sure I ever actually did but things just got so overwhelming there for a bit that I am not even sure where my head was at. Let alone the dog's.

This morning was actually closer to the "normal" chaos that was life back at the old place. Raine was eating orange slices. Michigan stole one which sent Raine into a fury of tears screaming "Bad doggy! Bad Mich Mich!!" (and I swear if that dog could laugh he would have) which got the bird all fired up and squawking for a good 20 minutes..... it was officially insane.

Just as it used to be.

Maybe in another month it will all settle back into the way it was.

And I want to add another baby to all of this?

I'm an optimistic pessimist

2013-02-28T14:03:00.003-05:00

Because taking creepy selfies with a lot of weirdness in the background is totally cool, right?

Contrary to popular belief (and all the "let love win" posts I've been posting here lately) I am considered somewhat of a pessimist amongst my peers. I like to think I am more of realist but hey..... Tomato, tomahto.

I try real hard, especially lately, to not be so much of a negative nancy but it's kind of just part of my nature. I'm no stranger to cynicism and I'm always pointing out the negative reality of the situation. This doesn't always fly well with my peeps, as one would imagine.

Most times my friends will come to me for encouragement or the proverbial pat on the back which I can't always provide because I know that what they just spouted off at the mouth to me about was a terribly bad idea or that their idea may not work out. And as is the case with most word vomit, I can't seem to stop myself from pointing out just how bad something can turn out to be or just how crazy I think my best friend's idea of sticking her cat in the dryer after its bath really is.

Peeps just don't like that shiz. Not all the time anyway. But like I said, I'm a realist. Always on the hunt to be realistic probably in some crazy attempt at avoiding disappointment in my own life. And while my "realistic assessment" may not always be accurate, I'd feel like a terrible friend/family member if I weren't honest with my thoughts. I don't think I am doing you any favors if I tell you that those moon boots look amazing with your wedding dress. I'm nearly 97% positive you will regret that style choice. I mean, c'mon!

If I tell you what you wanted to hear all the time instead of what I thought or what has been my experience, what kind of friend does that make me? The lying kind. Der. If you want someone to tell you what's on your mind all the time then hire an assistant or a butler or something. *Alfred* Don't wake me up from the amazing nap I was having if all you want is for me to say "go you" when clearly you have lost a good portion of your common sense.

But the last few months I have been trying to look at the bright side of things. I'm still a realist but I try to gear those thoughts to the more positive "outside of the box" mindset. A little less grumpy old cynic, if you will. Like, instead of assuming that my usually moochy, always looking for a hand out-friend is only calling me to "borrow" some money I try to remember said friend just so happens to be going through a hard time right now and may just be calling me for a shoulder to lean on.

Turns out they wanted money.

But that's besides the point. Here's the funny thing, people get just as irritated with me for looking at the positive! Sometimes misery just loves it some major company I guess and me pointing out the good and being a little more cheery as a result doesn't fly well in the sight of all that.

I can't win.

But it's been beneficial (for me at least) to look at both sides of any given coin. I'm much happier for it and I suppose there is a time for both outlooks. A healthy balance and all that.

I'm not entirely sure where I am going with this and I am sort of talking about two totally separate things here. 1. My general pessimistic attitude and 2. Honesty with my homies. And I'm not entirely sure how the two relate to each other. Other than that they make my relationships really freaking complicated.

I guess I worry that my buds think I'm being purposefully argumentative out of some sick desire to what? I don't know. But it's totally not the case. I'm just telling you how I see it. And if you're coming to me for advice or to discuss shiz than well, I gotta say SOMETHING, no? I just prefer to be truthful. I would expect the truth from you! Lately it doesn't seem to matter what type of truth that is, whether its optimistic or pessimistic... Sometimes the answer to some is to simply be agreeable.

But I am not agreeable. I suppose that means I am argumentative. A pessimistic, negative, argumentative, cynic who is trying to be an optimistic, positive, cheery, always looking on the bright side of shiz-type person.

People don't make this identity crisis any easier.

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I'm an optimistic pessimist