What's It Like to Be Married to Me?

And Other Dangerous Questions

David C. Cook

Contents

By Design, Not Default

I played the roving reporter and asked women why they got married. Here are some of their answers:

The truth? Well, all my friends were getting married and the whole dream dress, dream day thing—I just wanted to be the Princess Bride too.

Obviously, it was because I was in love—I had found "the man of my dreams."

It was time—the clock was ticking, and it was time to move on to marriage and kids.

Kevin was my knight in shining armor who rescued me from a bipolar mom and alcoholic father.

I couldn't seem to make enough money to live the way I wanted to live. Trevor offered me security and the lifestyle I'd always wanted.

Women are a bit complicated. We want security, companionship, a lover, a soul mate, a fixer-of-things. Men are more simple. Consider the following newspaper ad:

Single black female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good-looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Call (404) 875–6420 and ask for Daisy. I'll be waiting.

Fifteen thousand men responded to this ad, wanting to talk with Daisy. Guess who answered the phone? The Atlanta Humane society. Daisy was an eight-week-old black Labrador retriever.

People marry for different reasons, but one man definitely takes the prize for the most unique reason. How I laughed when I read the following advertisement, which was said to appear in the want ads of a New York newspaper:

Farmer with 160 irrigated acres wants marriage-minded woman with tractor. When replying, please show picture of tractor.

I certainly didn't marry to gain a piece of farm equipment—or equipment of any kind! I married Jody because I wanted to be his lover and best friend, forever. One of the most beautiful verses of Scripture shows us the heart of a young bride as she describes her feelings for her husband. She has set forth the physical attributes of her beloved and ends with this statement:

"His mouth is full of sweetness
And he is wholly desirable.
This is my beloved and this is my friend." (Song 5:16)

A perfect combination: a lover and best friend, all wrapped up in one package called a husband. My neighbor Val showed me this note her husband had hidden under her pillow before he left on a business trip.

Dearest Val,

By now you are missing me. I want you to know that I love you and I am thinking of you even now. I miss every minute that I have to be away from you. I would much rather be holding you in my arms, pressing my lips against yours.

What I miss most of all is having a good walk and talking with you. I cherish having you to talk to and share with—someone who really wants to understand me and love me. I will be back soon. I love you a LOT.

Your lover, Marc

This note graphically illustrates this perfect combo: a lover whose arms and lips you long for; a best friend whose deep communication and companionship you miss. This is what we dreamed of when we walked down the aisle and said, "I do."

I hope this is your everyday reality with your husband.

For many, though, the dream fades, and real life takes over. Children, jobs, house payments, and an economic downswing cause your lover/best-friend intimacy with your husband to slide down in your priorities. One day you wake up and say, "Where did the intimacy go? And how do I get it back?"

As I've spoken around the world, thousands of women have shared with me their questions, their hopes, and their dreams for their marriages. What I see happening in marriages today prompted me to write this book.

I'm angry.

I remember as a new bride in 1964 hearing Dr. Bill Bright, founder of Campus Crusade for Christ, quote a Harvard sociologist who said that one out of every two marriages ended in divorce. But in Christian marriages, it was very different. Only 1 out of every 1,015 marriages ended in divorce. I felt proud. Being a Christian made a difference. That is no longer the case. Today, one out of every two marriages ends in divorce—and it is the same for those who know Christ and those who don't. What happened?

I'm sad.

Of the 50 percent of couples who stay married, many are angry and resentful. Others are simply resigned. They're living by default, not design. They're hanging on in marriage because it is the right thing to do. They stay because of the kids. They've given up and settled for ho hum, status quo. It shouldn't be this way.

I'm filled with hope.

I refuse to settle for mediocrity. I refuse to live out scripts handed to me by the media, by mothers, by anyone other than God. He is the Creator of marriage, and He has a design for you and for me. I'm filled with hope that you can be different, that your marriage can be different.

I wrote this book for all wives: those in good marriages and those in not-so-good. I wrote this book to encourage you as a wife, to help you change the things you can because I strongly believe that Christian marriages should—and can—be different. As part of my research, I surveyed five hundred Christian wives about the best and worst things they did in their marriages. I've seen the hurt in their eyes, and I've cried with them. I've prayed for them. I've asked God, "What will help Your precious women be all You desire them to be as wives?" I believe His answer to my question is this: Ask them Dangerous Questions about themselves. So, my friend, I will ask you the same Dangerous Questions I ask myself.

The title of this book, What Is It Like to Be Married to Me?, asks the overarching question. Too often we focus on all the things about our husbands that we don't like and wish we could change. You know what it is like to be married to your mate, but how often do you think about what it is like for him to be married to you? If you woke up tomorrow and discovered you were married to you, would you be delighted? Or would you be devastated? I believe that if you are willing to ask yourself this question and let me guide you to the Designer's personal answers for you and your marriage, you will find what Janee discovered doing the pilot Bible study: "This marriage study is life- and heart-changing."

To guide you in discovering what it is like to be married to you, this book will discuss seven Dangerous Questions:

1. What is really important to me?

2. What does it feel like to be my husband?

3. Am I willing to change my attitude?

4. What will it take for me to get close to you?

5. What is it like to make love to me?

6. Why do I want to stay mad at you?

7. Is it possible to grow together when things fall apart?

You'll see that each Dangerous Question contains several short insights meant to help you answer the Dangerous Question. You can read each Dangerous Question in one sitting, or you can read each one over a period of days or weeks. Do what works best for you.

I want this book to be practical, and so I've included exercises and ideas to help you put the concepts and insights into action. Don't read on until you have done these exercises. You'll need a separate journal or notebook. These exercises are really important. And to get the most for you, find a friend (or a group) and do the Bible study at the back of the book. (See page 211.) God's Word brings transformation.

It isn't fun to ask ourselves Dangerous Questions like these. It can be difficult and even threatening. But I believe that by honestly reflecting on these questions and by seeking God's help and wisdom, a wife can move to a place where she can say, "Being married to me is really pretty good." And maybe she'll even be able to affirm, "Being married to me is better than pretty good."

But even if we can say that, none of us is where we want to be.

When I was thirty-four, I wrote, "I want to work as hard at my marriage as if I were striving to be the president of a company." Thirty-four more years have passed since I made that statement. Looking back over these years, how did I do?

Did I work hard at creating a home that pleased him? Yes.

Did I seek to honor him before our children? I tried very hard.

Did I always make my intimate oneness with Jody my priority? No, but I worked hard at it. Still, I have a lot to learn.

So, as you ponder these Dangerous Questions, know that I'm pondering along with you. Yes, it might get a little uncomfortable as we look deeply within, but I promise you, you will also laugh and even have fun. My desire is to help you see how to live out your marriage, not by default, but by design.

So let's get started!

What Is Really Important to Me?

The greatest thing in this world is not so much where we are, but in what direction we are moving.

Oliver Wendell Holmes

There are four steps to accomplishment: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed Positively. Pursue Persistently.

Author Unknown

Marriage is not simply the luck of the draw, or something that we get involved in which just unfolds before us like a long movie. Good marriage, like good individual lives or good art, are conscious creations. They are made.

Kevin and Marilyn Ryan, Blessing Your Husband

Insight 1: WHAT DO MY CHOICES SAY?

Some couples have low-maintenance marriages, some medium-, and others high-maintenance marriages. Mine has been of the high variety. My wonderful husband, Jody, and I are not just different—we are wildly different. Jody is an introvert, I'm an extrovert. Jody is a thinker, I am a feeler. Jody, Mr. Flow with It, dislikes plans. Plans give me a sense of security, and I love structure.

I remember a road trip from Vienna, Austria, to Katawice, Poland. When I plan a trip, I have maps, contact numbers, and backup contact numbers. When Jody plans a trip, he does "whatever." As we were driving toward Poland, I asked the "whatever" man where he put the map. He had no map. To clarify, this trip was taken when Poland was still under Communist rule, and road signs were either nonexistent or incomprehensible. A map was a necessity. But we had no map.

I started to fume inside.

We made it to Poland, and I asked Jody where he had put the directions to the hotel. No directions ... and he wasn't sure which hotel it was ... but he could find it. Now my insides were tangled inside out, and I wanted very much to say everything I was thinking, but I was sure that when he couldn't find the hotel, he would see that planning was the best way to travel. Jody found the hotel in half an hour. Sometimes, life just isn't fair.

Over the years, my "whatever" husband has graciously learned to bring maps and other information to help me feel more comfortable.

Jody is an entrepreneur and lives in the future. I live for today and think practically how to make today work. I followed this man I'm married to from the United States to Europe, where we lived for fourteen years. From Europe we moved to Asia for three years and then back to the States. Jody has a new plan every day, and with each new idea, I feel sick to my stomach. Which country is next on his world tour?

Because Jody and I are from different planets, growing in intimate oneness has not been easy. It has taken lots of adapting, lots of accepting, and lots of forgiving. It has also meant paying attention to the choices I make.

When we had three children and the oldest was just three, we lived in Dallas, Texas. There were days I was so tired, I couldn't think. Our youngest had asthma, and many nights I slept on a thin mattress next to his bed. When he woke unable to breathe at 3:00 a.m. it was a rush into the bathroom turned into a steam cave or a rush to the emergency room.

One day I realized that my choices said something about what was important to me. I started asking myself what message my choices said to Jody about how important he was to me. What message did Jody get from me? Did I walk away from him and say, "Don't even think about sex or a good meal. Can't you see I'm wiped out?" Or did I walk toward him, put my arms around him, and whisper, "I can't wait until life is easier and I can spend a day loving you"? What attitude did I project? What atmosphere did I create? What did my choices say was really most important to me? Sometimes what is most important to us is not obvious and can be seen only by how we respond to our husbands in everyday life.

When four teens roamed our home, we lived in Vienna, Austria. Life was filled with soccer, track, volleyball, ski team, musicals, boyfriends, girlfriends, and so much more. Jody traveled on long trips to Communist Eastern Europe. When he was gone, the boys and I were on coal-furnace duty. That thing hated me—no matter what I did, it went out. I can't count the times I cried over the coal furnace. What message did I give Jody when he arrived home after a long and dangerous trip? Did I run into his arms and indicate I couldn't wait until later, or did I gripe and complain about the coal furnace and every little thing that had gone wrong with the house, kids, and life during the month he was traveling? What did my behavior say was most important to me?

Now we live in Monument, Colorado, and the house is quiet. Only Bailey, our big golden retriever, is here to make noise and create a mess. So ... now it is easy to make Jody a priority, right? Wrong. Exciting ministry, precious women's problems, and just plain-old life get in the way. If it isn't little children, teens, a friend in need, or a demanding job, it is illness, a broken-down car, or a bear break-in. The list goes on.... One thing is clear:

My choices must say that Jody is my first priority of all the people on earth.

I remember a time I did this right. Jody and I were leaving for a five-day celebration of our thirteenth anniversary in the Arkansas mountains. Visions of deep communication and romantic walks by the river filled my head. It was going to be wonderful. The children were parceled out to friends' houses. While I had gone to the store to get a few last-minute things for the trip, Jody tried to fix the leak in the bathroom. And the drip, instead of diminishing, turned into a gush that became a flood.

Returning home from the store, I walked into a world of water-soaked carpets, neighbors madly mopping and scooping water. It was a waterlogged nightmare. I vacuumed carpets with a water vacuum, pulled carpets up and hung them over the fence. Jody emptied our water bed of water so we could get the water-soaked carpet out from under the bed and over the fence to drip-dry. The final blow came while moving furniture in the bedroom. My wedding ring, which had been on the dresser, was lost. This was my anniversary, and I didn't even have a wedding ring. Instead of taking a romantic walk by the river, I walked around the house with a flashlight, tears streaming down my face, looking in every nook and cranny for my ring, but no ring was to be found.

Early the next morning, I was ready for action. First the ring, then the soggy carpets. Before I could put my planning into gear, Jody made an incredible statement, the kind of statement that only a man can make. "Honey, let's just forget all this mess, bring the carpets in off the fence, pile them in the living room, and head for the mountains. We still have four days left of our vacation trip." I looked at the waterlogged house and then in amazement at my man. He really meant it! How could I just leave the mess and forget it?

At this point, the last thing I wanted was a romantic walk by the river. I wanted to find my wedding ring and salvage my carpets. My feelings screamed, "No, I can't go," so I took my feelings and my will to the bathroom, locked the door, sat on the closed potty, and prayed.

Lord, You know how I feel; I don't want to be alone with my husband. All I can think about is my stale, smelling house and my wrinkled carpets. But, Lord, my husband has said "let's go," and I know he's right. There will always be a reason why it's not a good time to escape. This time the reason just seems very big, but I choose in my will to go with my husband. I choose to forget the mess. I trust You to change my feelings.

The five-hour ride to the Arkansas mountains remains clear in my memory, because it was a five-hour battle between my feelings and my will. Every ten minutes, I started to think about my lost ring, the soggy carpets, and the mess. Each time I had to choose to reject the thoughts and concentrate on my husband. Gradually, and I do mean gradually, my feelings went along with the choices in my will.

By the time we arrived at our hideaway, we had three days left. How do I describe those thirty-six hours? There truly are no words to relate the beautiful, deep intimacy that we experienced. The depth of our communication amazed me. We sensed a more profound oneness between us, and we even had a romantic walk by the river.